This Week In Kristen… Who Am I Kidding? I’ll Start Posting Again Next Week

June 3, 2011

Well, I was fully expected to post yesterday, but shit happened.

Actually, the muscles that are in between and around the ribs on my left side happened. They decided to have their own personal 9/11 at the start of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu practice yesterday, which left me in agonizing pain for the rest of the day and last night. If you were at all wondering how I sleep, I sleep generally on my side. Sometimes on my stomach. Actually, it is kind of  a mixture of both, I’m on my side primarily, but I’m kind of on a 45 degree angle where I’m sort of on my stomach too. Now, take a wild guess what hurts a FUCK TON to do when those rib muscles all decide to go ape shit?

If you guessed “everything except for lie perfectly still on your back” then you are correct!

Thankfully, I take a prescription drug entitled “God’s Blessed Ambien” every night and that knocked me out for a few hours. So, I slept on my back for the first time in ages. The mix of the Ambien plus my extreme weak state from being in horrible pain all day put me out for about 5 hours or so.

In all honesty, I fell asleep reading “The Art of War” on my iPhone iBooks app. Let me give you a brief summary of the first 15 pages – “this book hasn’t been translated for shit!” Apparently, the best translation of “The Art of War” is by some turn of the 20th century man named Dr. Giles. It seems like his translation is part translation and part not translated and sounds like you may need to know Chinese still to read it. Who knows? Either way, the guy who translated the book for the iPhone iBooks or etext or whatever kind of just did the best he could with translating Dr. Giles’ book to my cell phone and fully admits there are an ass ton of mistakes in it. Grrrreeeeaaaattttt… But it’s free, so how much complaining can I do.

About all I’ve gotten out of the book so far is that Sun Tzu took a bunch of the Emperor or King’s hookers and lined them up as two opposing brigades and barked out military orders for them to follow. At first they didn’t listen, in this case he blamed himself for not being clear and demanding enough. He said some more orders and the chicks being chicks didn’t follow again. This time he said it was their fault and ordered the two leaders of these two brigades to have their heads cut off — which they did — and then substituted in two more chicks as leaders and guess what happened next? THEY FOLLOWED EVERY FUCKING THING HE SAID!

That’s the anecdote of how he because the General of the army.

Sooooooo… History is some crazy shit. Oh, the Chinese are so advanced and know all this math and science. Oh yeah? Well, they are the descendants of ass backwards hooker killers just like everyone else so stop blowing that dumb ass country.

What else?

I’ve been thinking a lot about pirates recently.

Not the Johnny Depp Pirates movies in particular, although I have thought about them, but more so the grand genre of “pirate movies”.

It started to become cool to like pirates several years ago. Just as it is cool to mention ninjas, unicorns, narwhals, vampires, zombies, and so forth nowadays. The pirates starting get their due with people telling pirate jokes and there were pirate parties or whatever people do when they’re rolling on E. Anyway, I started thinking about how some of these genres like pirates are being loved up, but there really isn’t a whole lot to love.

What pirate movies are really that great?

Like name the 10 best pirate movies.

First of all, if more than one pirate movie with Johnny Depp is in this top 10 list then that is a clear indication that this genre sucks. I’ll let you pick the first Pirates movie or the second. But not both. The third was an atrocity. And I can only imagine the fourth is horrible as well. I don’t really like either the first or second Pirates movies, but I can acknowledge that one of them could be in that top 10 list. Probably the first. Anyway…

What are the other 9?

I feel like a lot of people are going to mention The Princess Bride. But that’s not a pirate movie. Cary Elwes is the Dread Pirate Roberts, but that doesn’t mean this is a pirate movie. There is nothing piratey about the rest of the movie. It is more of a medieval movie. There isn’t much on the high seas on my pirate boat searching for treasure stuff.

Goonies is a pirate movie. I’ll give you that.

I’ll give you Hook and I’ll give you Peter Pan (one of them – the one we’re all thinking about and not one of the million others including that newest one). Technically, I would put them under fantasy or children’s fantasy, but the bad guys are all pirates and they fight on pirate ships and all that stuff.

So, let’s say I give you Hook, Peter Pan, Goonies and one Pirates movie. What are the other 6?

This is all assuming you even like any of these movies.

There were a million pirate movies made before 1950, but who the fuck watches any of them? People who have weird social anxiety issues and are possibly crippled by agoraphobia and their resume is marked by an entire life spent working at the local video store no one goes to.

So, what I’m saying is…

BLAKE LIVELY NAKED IS AMAZING!!

Yeah, that happened.

I’m guessing she knows how good looking she is naked and that’s why she took all those pictures. Now, if she could only take that talent into these movies she is in. Like The Town was a good movie, but it would have been GREAT if Blake Lively’s character didn’t talk that much and got naked in a few/all scenes.

It probably sucks for like a minute knowing your privacy was violated. But I feel like this was the greatest moment for her acting career’s resume. I absolutely would not hire her based on any previous acting I’ve seen her do. But let’s say I was making a movie about angels or muses or chicks that you would potentially kill your family for… well, now I might hire her. As far as getting naked on camera, A. you’ve done it. B. WHO HASN’T?! It’s fucking acting! It’s not cancer radiation therapy. It’s just silliness and playing dress up and all that bullshit. It’s just goofiness, so take your clothes off.

If you’re saying now in your heads – well why don’t you say that about male actors? Dudes are taking their clothes off. Are you kidding me? Some dude actors show off more junk than chicks just show off their butts or boobs. Tom Hardy. I saw Tom Hardy’s penis more times in that movie Bronson than I can count and I can count pretty fucking high.

So… just get naked is what I’m saying. It makes the movie like 10x more interesting because most of these storylines and talking are not.

For instance, Thor. Movie would’ve been a bazillion trillion times better if at some point they all entered a realm that had no clothes in it. Right?

Boom – Thor naked. Boom – Loki naked. Boom – Odin naked. Boom – Natalie Portman naked. Boom – Kat Dennings naked. Boom – that big ass metal robot naked.

That scene would have at least been pseudo watchable.

Have a great weekend.

I want to see X-Men: First Class and I hope it rules and doesn’t suck.

smooches.

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One Response to “This Week In Kristen… Who Am I Kidding? I’ll Start Posting Again Next Week”

  1. Lou said

    Blake has amazing hooters. But they are fake.
    But they are bigger than Kstew’s little mosquito bites.

    fyi– Vicodine is better than ambien. And goes better with a vodka tonic.
    😉

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