KRISTEN STEWART Wasn’t On TV Last Night, So We Talkin’ Movies

June 7, 2011

We talkin’ dem movies, kiiiiiidddddd.

I’ve seen some movies recently. I saw Hangover II, X-Men: First Class, Hanna and Rango.

HANGOVER II

Now, that I’ve typed out that title I realize I’ve already talked about this movie and me seeing it. I’ve already fucked up this blog and I’m only like 20 words in. Nevertheless, I will man-up to my mistake and not delete any of this. You now get to see behind the curtain and really all you’re seeing is that I forget what I write about. You don’t actually get to see anything like my penis or anything because I’m not naked behind the curtain or getting changed from one outfit to another outfit. But you do see a penis in Hangover II.

I guess that’s what I’ll talk about in this section: penises you and or I have seen lately. One of them is Ken Jeong’s penis in Hangover II. If you’ve seen Hangover the first, the original, then you’ve already seen his penis because he shows it off in that movie. He shows it off even more in this sequel. It’s funny and all, but I think I’m all set for seeing Ken Jeong’s penis for the rest of my life. I find him really funny, but his dong needs to stay in his pants all the time from this moment onward.

Speaking of dongs that didn’t want to see or hear about – Tito Ortiz and Anthony Weiner. The first was only a “scandal” if you watch MMA and then subsequently read about it on Twitter. But it wasn’t much of a scandal either considering it isn’t like Tito Ortiz is a bastion of ethical decisions and he wasn’t really doing anything with his naked tweet than tweeting himself naked. Ortiz tweeted a full front nudity picture of himself on Twitter. He said his phone was hacked or something. Either way, from Ortiz it just seems like another attention whore maneuver on a long list of attention whore maneuvers. So it was kind of *shrugs*. Oh Tito, just put it away and stay healthy for your next fight when you’ll probably be obliterated by Ryan Bader. Also Ortiz has children and has a weird weird relationship with uber famous pornstar Jenna Jameson. So I feel like we were all expecting him to tweet a nudey pic at some point.

Anthony Weiner’s weiner. WHY?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I have tried to stay away from reading too much about this story because it is pretty depressing. How stupid can a smart guy be? Anthony Weiner has made himself famous by having some of the most passionate political speeches on CSPAN go viral on Youtube as well as his near constant arguing with the likes of Hannity and O’Reilly. Then he goes out there and takes a picture of his junk and sends it to everyone from his public twitter account? Is that what the story is? I just don’t understand. How did he think that was going to work out?

I get that Weiner is an internet sex addict and was talking a lot of sex with chicks who were not his wife on the internet. That’s not good, but that doesn’t explain how a picture of his junk ended up on twitter. Just a fucking idiot! If it was that he took a picture of his junk and sent it to some chick and then that chick sent it to Bill O’Reilly then this would make sense. But HOW does a guy tweet a picture of his junk through his public I’m a member of the US government twitter account?!

Obama better drone attack Weiner.

I thought Hangover II was ok. I laughed. Next!

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

I liked this movie a lot.

I am really not much of a fan of the other X-Men movies. They’re not the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but they’re more bad than good in my opinion. They have misrepresented more characters than they have accurately portrayed characters. Also, there seems to be no love for the comic books in those movies. The movies are just a big mish mash of random X-Men and villains and the storylines are all a big whatever. That is 100% Bryan Singer’s fault who made the first 2 and has continued to be a producer for the rest. He doesn’t like the comic books and instead is just dicking around with the X-Men as if they’re his action figure toys and he’s in his sandbox playing with them however he wants.

Most of the problems with X-Men: First Class are tied to that.

I really wish First Class was a reimagining of the X-Men movie franchise, but instead it is very much attached to the previous 3 movies. It is the prequel to them and with that there lies some problems. It’s also written by Bryan Singer as well so the movie is just directed by Matthew Vaughn and not his creation entirely. Anyway…

The movie is telling a 4 hour movie inside of 2 hours. That’s a problem as much of the movie is really just setting up the relationship between Professor X and Magneto and why you should give a fuck or why they should give a fuck when they break up. But that’s not the whole movie. There is a main bad guy in Sebastian Shaw played by Kevin Bacon. This immediately makes this movie better than Singer’s movies. Singer doesn’t have much love for the villain fighting the hero at the end of the movie. People who don’t like that generally make vague and anti-climactic films. But that’s not the whole movie either, there is also the formation of the X-Men and all the kiddies who actually make up the “First Class”. AND FINALLY… there is one more storyline and that is the Cuban Missile Crisis and how all these mutants play a role in it.

I imagine the Cuban Missile Crisis storyline is Singer’s idea. I’m just guessing that. It is an intangible evil that focuses on ideologies and really doesn’t make a lick of sense in the movie and really doesn’t fit in well with the rest of the storyline and doesn’t resolve itself in a bad guy fighting a good guy way and is about a shaping of a new society and so forth, which are all ideas that Singer has pushed in his other movies that make them suck. In the first X-Men, Magneto was sending out that wave of whatever to turn everyone into mutants. In the second one, it is all just a meandering plot that just meanders until it ends and about the only thing people remember from that movie is the beginning scene with Nightcrawler and the White House, so I guess that movie was about demonizing mutants in the eyes of the people, but it really wasn’t and the movie just meandered. The third was about “curing” mutants and at the same time mutants trying to take over society and whatever. That movie sucked too.

I’m getting off on a tangent, but do you know why The Dark Knight is so much better than all of these movies (well, everything)- it is BATMAN versus THE JOKER. Imagine that. Try summing up an X-Men movie without writing 600 words.

I liked this movie though. It really relied on James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender being great and they were. McAvoy plays a charismatic Professor X who shows that he was young and full of emotion before he became the ethereal robot that Patrick Stewart was in the other X-Men movies. As for Fassbender, he played Magneto as an angry killer and that’s fucking great. I love the character of Magneto in the comic books so much. He’s scary! He’s powerful! He’s a monster! But in the X-Men movies so far he has been played by Ian McKellan who is a foppish old man who is not scary, powerful or a monster. McKellan is a great rival to Patrick Stewart and the two of them should be in a movie against each other where they’re not supposed to be superheroes. I would like that a lot, but McKellan as Magneto has always been silly to me. Magneto isn’t a brittle old man ever. Yes, Professor X has a fragile body and it is his mind that is all powerful and as the rival Magneto is a physical powerhouse who is out on the front lines killing fools. Fassbender does a much better job pushing this idea.

I liked Kevin Bacon as Sebastian Shaw. I wish there was more of him in the movie, but like I said they were trying to sandwich so much storyline into 2 hours. I even think January Jones did a good job as Emma Frost because her character was supposed to sexy, distant and cold… I think January Jones as a human being is sexy, distant and cold, so that worked well. Jennifer Lawrence didn’t have much to do, but good lord is she fun to look at. When she was human looking she looked amazing. They dressed her in short skirts and tight shirts and all that good stuff. As Mystique, she may have been blue, but she was NAKED. That’s what she looks like naked folks. Those curves and all. So that was fun as well. As for her character? Eh.

The rest of the cast was pretty who gives a fuck. Havoc? Banshee? Beast? Whatever. You did get to see a lot of people using their mutant powers in the movie and that was good. The action scenes were good and overall the look of the movie was good. So thumbs up.

HANNA

Aim small, miss small. That was said in Mel Gibson’s The Patriot and I think is perfectly applicable for Hanna. There really isn’t much to the movie at all, so really how much could Joe Wright have fucked this up. As for Atonement, there was a lot of stuff going on in that movie, so I think he fucked up a lot of things. In this, he couldn’t really mess up unless he tried, but he didn’t. I’m being pretty cynical about this, but Joe Wright made a solid B to B+ movie where so many directors are failing.

Hanna is exactly what you see in the trailer. It’s about Saoirse Ronan being trained to be a Jason Bourne like killer by her father Eric Bana who is a Jason Bourne killer all so she can kill Cate Blanchett. That’s the story and that’s what happens. There is a little more to the movie than that, but they graze over that so it is barely worth mentioning. It’s an action movie. It’s a better action movie than movies like Machete which are essentially vying for the same movie – merciless unstoppable killer righting a wrong.

It’s another solid performance by Saoirse who has been good in everything I’ve seen her in. Eric Bana also does a good job although he is not in the movie a truck load. Cate Blanchett is ok although she has this ridiculous southern accent in the movie, which is annoying. But is it so annoying it ruins the movie? Nope. Aim small, miss small. The rest of the people in the movie barely get names and there is a ton that should be explained like why are the bad guys that Cate Blanchett hires seemingly a group of white supremacist, Neo-Nazis who also run a strip club that features hermaphrodites? In the end, it would take more time to explain why Joe Wright decided that was necessary than it is for those characters to just go about their duty in the film and get dispatched by Hanna.

It’s a solid rental.

The one thing I would love to question Joe Wright on is… why does Hanna kiss the other girl in the movie? Hanna is a 16 year old girl who was raised in isolation by her father since she was a baby to be a killer and has had no outside interaction with anyone. She ends up on this whirlwind chase and she ends up kind of befriending this girl who is also her age. When Hanna says goodbye to her, the two are nearly nose to nose cuddled up with this weird and obviously going for sexual tension between the two that they excite each other. And Hanna right before they leave, the two kiss on the lips for a moment then Hanna leaves.

It’s a peck on the lips and whatever, but Joe Wright made a point to say that SuckerPunch was a sexist movie without even seeing it. He said this because of the outfits that the girls wear in the movie. Now, in a movie (Hanna) where there is absolutely no sexual storyline to speak of and with a character like Hanna who is more or less a child mindset stuck in a Terminator killing machine exterior, why is the closest thing to a sexual moment in the movie a kiss between two young girls for absolutely no reason at all? Just saying, that the movie would not change at all if he removes this kiss, but he adds it in and makes sure it is there for some reason to himself and then goes out of his way for saying another movie is over sexualizing girls for no apparent reason.

I just think that’s a little pot calling the kettle black on that.

RANGO

Good movie. Fun for the whole family I would imagine. First thing first, the animation in the movie is downright stupid amazing. It looks fucking so good. Like too good at points. It really is one of the best looking animated movies by far.

It’s funny too. I wasn’t laughing out loud the whole time, but there were some parts that made me laugh. More than anything just the character designs to cross between animals and an old west feel was perfect. The storyline for the movie was pretty good although I’m not sure it made a ton of sense. Was the turtle Mayor apart of making Las Vegas? I didn’t really understand all of that that much, but I get what they’re going for.

The voice acting, the look, the direction were all top notch and a fun movie. Everything was done well minus the details of the storyline, which really is one of those if you get 4 out 5 things right then it ain’t bad.

I would question and critique this movie further, but what’s the point. It is a cartoon movie with a lizard voiced by Johnny Depp just running around and falling ass backwards into success, so the storyline and plot points weren’t the primary concern for anyone.

It was good. Rent it.

I’m spent.

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