Happy Birthday Johnny Depp, Michael J. Fox and Natalie Portman… you freaks!

June 9, 2011

Well, that’s actually a pretty harsh term, but I couldn’t just write Happy Birthday and not anything else. I’m here for the comedia, which is how I’m guessing you say “comedy” in some foreign language. Maybe Spanish or Latin or Esperanto. Who knows? Whose to say?!

But today, my task is to find out something sort of freaky or at least I’m hoping there is something freak to find out about on these celebrities’ IMDB pages.

To celebrate these movie stars who I enjoy, I will head to their IMDB “trivia” page and pull out what I think are the most interesting notes that I can also exploit for the comedia of it all.

First up…

JOHNNY DEPP

I choose Depp not out of some love I have for him over the rest because clearly if that was the case I would choose Natalie Portman first. Depp is a wonderful actor when he is not in movies with Pirates, but he is still a human with a wang-a-doo and no feminine features. If I had to do one of those “marry, fuck, kill” – I would marry Johnny Depp as long as that means we do not have to consumate the marriage at any point. That’s not to say I would sleep with Michael J. Fox if that was the scenario either. At that point, I would just refuse to play the game until there are at least 2 females present in the line-up. I’d rather have sex with Depp over Fox, but Depp is going to smell like Eurotrash, which is going to make me feel like a violated high school girl who went on a trip to Italy with her family and one similarly aged, but far sluttier friend who makes us sneak out at night to go to a bar and then I end up losing my virginity to the barback who reeks of cigarettes and drives a moped.

Ugh…

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I would like to have sex Natalie Portman by far the most out of these people and in general and so she would be the “boff”. I would “marry” Depp because we could get into some adventures with all his monies. And that means Fox gets the “kill” axe. Sorry Mike, but early 90’s children’s movies are not going to save you.

So JOHNNY DEPP! I chose him first because of alphabetical order… He’s turning 48 today.

What ya got for me freak!?!

Nickname: Mr. Stench and Colonel

See?! See what I mean about the Eurotrash smell! He’s got to stink pretty bad if it is a nickname and the nickname is “Mr. Stench”. All these ladies swooning over some sub 6 foot yokel from Kentucky who dances around on stage and he SMELLS HORRENDOUS. What an interesting world we live in. I would actually like the nickname “Colonel” or really any military nickname. “Captain” or “Major” or “General”. Most would work. Why just call him “Mr.”? How about we combine the two names… Colonel Stench. I bet Johnny has earned it.

When engaged to Winona Ryder, he had “Winona forever” tattooed on his arm. After the broke up, he had the n and a surgically removed to simply say “Wino forever!”

First, he’s one of those guys. The guys who get girls they’re going out with tattooed on their arms. If I had a tattoo for every time I’ve been engaged then I would have zero tattoos and currently I have 9, so that would suck because I like having tattoos. See the logic there? Anyway, most men (and women) you find out later the more you’re with them that they’re winos. Also, most become winos the longer you two are together. It’s probably a bad start when someone tattoos “wino forever” on their arm because they have something to live up to, to aspire to.

Adopted Goldeneye, the one-eyed Andalusian horse who played Gunpowder, Ichabod Crane’s steed in Sleepy Hollow (1999), thereby saving him from the glue factory.

This isn’t weird for Depp, but just weird in general. Are we still make glue out of horses? That just seems ridiculous. Shouldn’t PETA be going apeshit about that? I mean I’m at least eating the animals that are killed for me and using their meat to help me live. Where as a full horse killed simply for some Elmer’s Glue? Wildly impractical.

Is hugely interested in Jack the Ripper.

So that’s bad, right? “Hugely”? He did make From Hell which is about Jack the Ripper, although the movie sucked. Nevertheless, Depp could be a serial killer.

As a child, he was allergic to chocolate.

Only as a child? Is that even possible? I call shenanigans on this. I believe Johnny Depp dislikes chocolate and knows how irrational that is, so he covered up this with a lie. But it shows a deep flaw in his character. It’s chocolate! It biologically makes you happy.

Nicolas Cage got him his first acting job.

Makes deals with the Devil.

Donated his fee earned for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009) to the daughter of late Heath Ledger. Jude Law and Colin Farrell did the same thing after Depp gave that idea.

OK! So he’s an angel! He’s a heaven sent Eurotrash smelling angel.

Who is next?!

MICHAEL J. FOX

He’s short, he’s Canadian and he has Parkinsons and he’s 50 … yeah yeah yeah we know that. But what seedy side of Michael J. Fox is hidden amongst the “trivia”?

Quit high school before graduating from his senior year. Has said he regrets quitting high school as a “stupid youthful mistake.”

So, he’s an idiot. Didn’t graduate high school? Jeez. I bet he can’t name all 52 states in the USofA or all 38 Presidents and probably has no clue about World War II and how evil those Jamaican Nazis were.

According to an interview with Fox, he originally decided to use the middle initial J instead of his own A because he didn’t want teen magazines to use headlines such as “Michael, A Fox!”.

That’s a bigger bonehead move. I want to change my name to Jordan A. Fox now in hopes that magazines from Teen Beat to Country Living to Guns & Ammo call me “A Fox”. Also, that’s a pretty big ego Mike’s got on him immediately assuming these chicks would think he’s a fox… eh who am I kidding? He was a pretty good looking dude in those movies.

Is a vegetarian.

Ugh.

Fox says in his autobiography “Always Looking Up” that although he was raised nominally Anglican, he is now a member of a Reform Jewish congregation in New York. His wife, Tracy, was raised Jewish; their wedding ceremony had Jewish ritual elements (including a chuppah, the traditional Jewish wedding canopy); and their four children are being raised Jewish.

Ok, ok, so he’s not a bad guy at all. He’s a mensch, am I right? Maybe I would marry him instead of Depp. At least I would know I would be getting a Jewish wedding out of the deal. Who knows what Depp would do? I’d probably have to sit through a Tim Burton themed wedding with Keith Richards as the Priest who is actually dressed up in a bridal gown. That would suck. Oh and Depp would no doubt be dressed as Edward Scissorhands, which would be a wonderful moment for me considering that gave me nightmares for at least a year when that movie came out. Thanks a truck load, Johnny.

Dated Jennifer Grey in the 80’s.

Yeah? Who didn’t? AM I RIGHT?!

So who is next? Oh the loveliest of them all!

NATALIE PORTMAN

I’ve written about this chick a bunch on this website. So, no need for all the pleasantries. She’s pretty much God’s creation of elegant beauty of the Planet Earth and with that she has been blinded by her own beauty and dated asshats like Andy Samberg. I’m just telling the facts here. Now she’s preggo with a French ballet dancer’s kid. All what we expected when we first laid eyes on her in The Professional.

Natalie is turning 30 today. Congratulations.

Was a member of the environmental song and dance troupe The World Patrol Kids under her real name, Natalie Hershlag.

Um… WHERE IS THE YOUTUBE VIDEO FOR THIS?!

She was discovered in a pizza parlor and was originally turned down for the role of Mathilda in Leon: The Professional (1994) because she was too young.

Honestly, there are a lot of actors/actresses who have been discovered in the world just hanging out. And in that case, I kind of feel like we should be looking into the backgrounds of the people discovering them. Hey there 12 year old girl – you should be in the movies! That seems creepcity. Also, it really worked well with Natalie, but Tara Reid was discovered singing on top of a table in a mall in New Jersey. That didn’t end as well. But Frank Sinatra was discovered in that same way, which means Tara Reid and Frank Sinatra had a lot in common… except for anything that happened after that.

What was Tara Reid’s greatest acting performance? Faking an orgasm while her boyfriend went down on her in American Pie? I’m drawing a blank on anything else she has really done.

Said would never be in a horror movie or any other “Jennifer Love Hewitt type” film.

MEOW!!!! CAT FIGHT!!!! Natalie’s got some bitch to her. Actually, Natalie has a lot of great comments. She’s definitely a smart chick and she’s an only child and she’s been an actor almost her whole life, so she’s got a mouth and hasn’t ever been stifled about using it.

Close friends with Jake Gyllenhaal, Mila Kunis and Bryce Dallas Howard.

JEWS!!! Actually, I don’t think Bryce is Jewish. I bet she feels all left out with Mila, Jake and Natalie are talking about Karpas and telling stories about the best Sukkahs they built for the Jewish holiday of Sukkot. I’m sure there are some wild stories there. Who am I kidding? Bryce’s dad is Ron Howard and lord knows he’s got a boatload of Jew friends and they’ve probably been to more Passover seders than I have. C’mon! I’m roughly the same age, Jewish, from the North East. Let me into this gaggle.

She hesitantly shot an explicit nude scene for Closer (2004/I), in the scene where Alice (Portman) strips for Larry (Clive Owen). Ultimately, Portman and director Mike Nichols agreed not to use it, as the scene was effective enough without it.

WHERE IS THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THIS?!!!! Or at least throw it in the DVD extras. I love Closer. That movie has some of the greatest lines in the history of movies. I sat in the theaters to see that surrounded by people double my age. Every time someone dropped a line like “What does your cunt taste like? Heaven.” I went OOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!! like I was at a Def Comedy Jam taping.

Well… I think picturing Natalie naked is a good place to end.

Happy Birthday one and all, big or small and it’s time for me to go to the mall… because my computer is being a fucking dick.

Questions…

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7 Responses to “Happy Birthday Johnny Depp, Michael J. Fox and Natalie Portman… you freaks!”

  1. PWG said

    Stop bitch-slapping the vegetarians, you. We herbimunchers enjoy a varied diet without meat. For instance, for lunch today I had a single Vanilla Tootsie flavor roll Twistie. What the fuck is up with that long name? It’s basically stale vanilla cake frosting in a wax paper tube. Plus I enjoyed a quarter of a bag of old jalapeno potato chips that were in my desk.

    And that’s all I had because I cruised into work 20 minutes late, so I felt compelled to give up my 60-minute lunch in penitence. But happily I’m brimming with good health since I don’t eat the artery-clogging critters of the Earth, right? Lunch was the equivalent of my dog scrounging in the couch cushions for an old french fry. I don’t feel so good.

  2. PWG said

    Random actors’ names and movie titles in today’s post all link to non-existent KSWI pages for some reason.

    I’ve tried and failed to work up enthusiasm for today’s episode of Fuck-Marry-Kill. I don’t want to do any of that to any of them. Okay, Johnny Depp if you bathed him and he stopped calling himself, “Johnny.”

    So I’m going to play it with the 2010 True Grit instead.

    F: Jeff Bridges
    M: Matt Damon
    K: Josh Brolin

    If we do it with the 2010 A-Team cast, it’s just going to be a long list of F’s.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      The trivia was just copy and pasted so blame IMDB.

      I’d rather do a marry, fuck, kill for “Black Swan”. The first two would be Natalie and Mila. The Kill… well anyone else in the movie and I would be cool with it.

    • You would fuck Jeff Bridges and kill Josh Brolin? THIS IS BLOWING MY MIND. Picturing Mr. Bridges’ marble-mouthed dirty talk isn’t really putting me in the mood. I’ll blame this weirdness the lack of red meat in your system.

      • PWG said

        This is why it sucks that we live so far apart. I can easily imagine being in a bar, having far too many beers, and saying incredulously to you in an overly loud voice, “You mean to tell me you wouldn’t fuck Rooster Cogburn?!”

        I get confused on if it’s supposed to be the actor or the character, but I stand by it either way.

        Cogburn: threatened to shoot Damon for spanking Hailee, kicked two little kids’ asses for tormenting an animal, broke cover to save Damon’s life outside some shack, and carried the girl all night to a doctor to save her life.

        Bridges (aka “Sexy Colonel Sanders”): 6’1″, has an extremely cool web site, married to the same woman for 34 years, big huge mellow pot smoking hippie, great actor in a lot of diverse roles and has a fantastic voice.

        Tom Chaney: a drunken shitty poker player who shot and robbed innocent people, killed a Texas senater and his dog, none too bright.

        Josh Brolin: bar fights and possible wife domestic battering? Although he was in The Goonies and is handsome and has great quotes on IMDB about being gay for Ryan Reynolds and licking Patricia Arquette’s armpit. Of course, on the same site they quote him saying he’s a huge fan of Donald Trump. Yeah, I’m going with Bridges.

  3. Edward Scissorhands gave you nightmares?! Poor baby…

    I’ve spent the last 5-10 minutes not listening to the Japanese people on this conference call, but rather imagining a gay sex scene in the stylings of Tim Burton. Thanks…?

  4. mary said

    happy birthday micheal j fox johnny depp and nat my brithday is on the 9 to

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