This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Sophie

June 10, 2011

Let me just say, Sophie is a good looking name.

Well, well, well, well, well … well?

It is Friday and that means the weekend, which, of course, means weekend festivities. Oh the weekend festivities! The festivities that do not exist during the week. Why? Why do they not exist? Because whatever your festivities be they will leave you in an incapacitated state for the following day and only ye shall be revived when the next festivity is about to start!

Oh the weekends. Laying around during the day. Killing yourself with booze at night. Sleeping until you get bed sores.


Another week in the books. Anyway… I have to talk about SOPHIE


I received an email from Ms. Sophie who works for . Their slogan is “everything you need for financial happiness”, which in all honesty sounds delightful beyond imagination. I hate worrying about money or even the sight of it. I find it to be an annoyance. Let’s just exist… without the dollar amount, am I right? Nevertheless…


Lovely and sweet, Sophie.

Sophie has delivered an article to me, an article that the lovely lovelies at have written about the ever enamoring battle between Harry Potter and Twilight.

The article is here.




Generally speaking, I don’t think there is much of a debate between, which is a bigger deal.

Harry Potter is a revolution of sorts. More books. More movies. Bigger actors. More worldwide recognition. More critical praise. Everyone knows who the hell Harry Potter is. Whether they like it or not they know of the boy wizard and his fancy footed pals and their adventures. If you have a child of any age then you know who Harry Potter is because your dumbass kid has cried until your ears bled with words of adulation about Potter and his cumbersome co-horts!

Ahhh… Potter. Ahhh… Sophie. Sophie, Harry Potter is a much bigger deal.

Twilight is a big deal in a lot of ways obviously, but they are a phenomenon that reside within their phenomenon. There is no impetus if you are not a young lady to go forth and find out who this Team Edward or Team Jacob is. It is clearly a fascination that has no point to you. There is no impetus for anyone who isn’t already watching Gossip Girl to all of a sudden start. But Potter?! It has been a decade long affair with the public the world over in both cinematic and book form that has drawn comparisons to great works of its genre like Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia et cetera. It is a wealth of material infecting the minds with fantastical worlds of magic and battling the all powerful evil of the world that haunts us in our nightmares and in the shadows of the rooms we dwell.

But Sophie… But Twilight is about some high school chick who fucks a vampire and gets all preggers and her best friend who is a wolf wants to have sex with that child. What in the fuck is that? It’s nonsensical insanity. It’s the sordid tales one expects from a mental patient.

Sophie, my dearest Sophie whose name I only know as Sophie and whose face is as mysterious to me as the country she calls home, which is also a mystery to me because I don’t know what country she’s from and only know she works for a UK website, so she could be from the UK or not. My sister worked for the Royal Bank of Scotland and yet she wasn’t any closer to Scotland when working there than I am at this moment and I’m not in Scotland. Sophie.

Sophie with your skin and your hair and your appendages that are attached to your torso and your head, which sits atop your shoulders – both of them – followed by your lips and eyes in pairs and those eyes… oh how they see, Sophie. I’m guessing they see because I bet it is a low probability that someone working on the internet and/or for the internet is visually impaired, but who knows? Not me, fair Sophie, fair and just Sophie. Oh those eyes that see me… email address, my email address and send me things like these financial graphs about tween movies. Oh Sophie! With your eyebrows that are just so, just so over your eyes and on your brow…

Sophie whose ears are in their perfectest of places being on the end of your face… s… Sophie. Those ears that sit so effectively at the side of your head and hear me whispering these words that are factually defining you as I picture you as a silhouette in my head as Sophie! Oh… Soph… ie.

I train my brain to imagine you grasping the golden mane of a gallant horse riding on the plain… s… of AFRICA! The plains of Africa with the Sun penetrating your skin grain tickling the blood in your vein… s… in AFRICA!

Sophie, I feel your fingers and toes whispering their massaging tips through the lobes of my imagination. I see all 10 fingers and 10 toes lightly grazing over the eccentricities of my inequities. All perfect 10 fingers and 10 toes unless poor Sophie was involved in a horrific accident where she lost one of these perfect fingers or toes or many of them, I mean I watched a story on a girl on Real Sports earlier this month and she was riding a horse and got hit by a car and her leg got cut off and she’s only like 12 years old, but she is fine now and back to riding horses and she has a metal leg from her knee down like she was Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump, but neither here nor there, I picture you Sophie in all your immaculate fingersness and toesness and you’re energy flows through them like electricity and my brain alights with a fire that excites all that see me and you and your magical movements with the hands and feet in my brain and such.



I imagine at this point you are either so enthralled by my delicate words picturing you doing indelicate things that you have rushed to the shores of New Jersey in search of me… or my words have… actually that’s about all I can imagine. Who would do anything otherwise? What on Earth could this post do to a woman named Sophie than elicit that type of response?

Oh Sophie.

I looked up Sophie on Google images. I was hoping to find some common theme amongst the famed Sophie’s of the world. Generally speaking, if you put most names into a search engine you are bound to find that that name has several females attached to it who are exceptionally attractive. Reason being, we search for attractive women by name. We remember them.

For Sophie… glorious, exquisite, tempered… Sophies that appear to be the most famous Sophies are:

Sophie Monk

Sophie Marceau

Sophie Howard

Just the loveliest of Sophies. All of them lovely.

Oh Sophie… outside of that I would imagine Sophie’s Choice is a popular Sophie-ism.

And I leave us with the choice of Sophie…

Where ever Sophie may be it is the weekend for Sophie, and what shall Sophie choose to do for these weekend festivities?

Oh, what is Sophie’s “choice”?!

Lastly, Sophie if she ever sees this post – how could she possibly ever believe there is no greater post about Sophie than the one before her written by me.

I’m just saying… Sophie.



12 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Sophie”

  1. PWG said

    It took me a while to get used to “instalment.” Those crazy United Kingdom folks, adding U’s, taking away L’s.

  2. PWG said

    I think the important thing to take away here is that we’re never getting a Twilight theme park. Which is probably good, because given the themes of violence, cannibalism, murder, suicide, bestiality and pedophilia in the books, it would be a pretty grim place.

  3. You forgot Sophia Bush and Sophia Loren… the loveliest “Sophies” of them all.

    • PWG said

      These were just Sophies, not Sophias. If we’re including Sophias we need Sofia Vergara, too.

      • Ahhhh… that’s just splitting hairs! But why not Sofia Vergara? Then, of course, there’s Sophie Tucker. She was a little too hefty to be called beautiful, but could she sing!

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I did think about “Sophia” Bush because I think of her often, but Sophie is Sophie.

  4. Sophie totally has a restraining order out on every “Jordan” in the state of New Jersey now.

  5. PWG said

    If I were a lesbian, Sophie Marceau would soooo be my type. I have a feeling I’d be a very lonely and bitter lesbian. I just looked at 500 pictures of her on The Googles, and I think she’s incapable of taking a bad photograph. She’s gorgeous in every single one. They should make statues of her or something.

  6. Nix said

    Fact: You made me snortle. I didn’t know I could, but there you have it… I now have to go clean the hot chocolate aforementioned snortle caused to fall out of my nose and onto my clothes, the floor, my doggie…

    @HeyyyBrother. Definately.

  7. Let’s agree that a lot of remarkable ladies have had the name Sophia, Sophie or a variation thereof. Maybe we could include young AnnaSophia Robb in this?!

  8. Sophie said

    Sophie here. How’s it going?

    Jordan, I have to say – thanks so much for the lovely sentiment. I was slightly creeped out at first, if I’m being totally honest, but then as the blog post went on I was completely smitten.

    However, this morning when I woke up to the roses on my pillow with a joker card next to them, on which was scrawled ‘Jordan’ with what looks like a burnt matchstick, I was returned rather swiftly to the ‘creeped out’ camp.

    But thanks. They look nice on my dining room table in fair England.

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