The Winner Of The 2011 REPUBLICAN BEAUTY PAGEANT IS….

June 14, 2011

Probably Mitt Romney.

I’m just throwing that out there at the beginning. I’m not sure if I’ll stay by it at the end, but we’ll just have to WAIT and SEE.

Last night, marked the first semi-real Republican debate to win the Republican nomination for the 2012 Presidential Election.

I say “semi-real” because it was more real than the utterly fake Republican debate that happened on Cinco de Mayo on Fox News. That was supposed to the be the first semi-real debate, but no one showed up. It was Santorum, Paul, and a bunch of other guys who weren’t out there last night. The Republicans blew off their own first debate. The second reason I call this “semi-real” is that until the real attacking of each other starts, the weeding out, the cannibalism starts then this isn’t a debate. At this point, they’re all talking in vague and fairly cliche terms. They’re all broad as broad can be. They haven’t actually written out their policies that they are going to be running on, so they’re kind of just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks and more or less going through the motions.

Third, these are still not all the Republicans. Don’t get used to the names you saw up on that #cnndebate stage last night because there will certainly be more names added and some of those name will be subtracted through the next couple months. People should fully expect faces of old like Rudolph Giuliani could make a run. Jon Huntsman also announced he is running, so he’ll be at the next one most likely. Also, the ever allusive Sarah “Barracuda” Palin could decide at some point to join in.

So last night was the SEMI-REAL, a dream like reality. But who were the major players and how did they fare in this semi-weightless, almost Moon like 1/6th gravity debate world.

RICK SANTORUM

Ahhh, Dick … I mean Rick Santorum. I know him fairly well because he was a Senator in Pennsylvania while I went to college at good old Saint Joe’s in Philadelphia. During this time, Santorum made national news by likening gay sex to bestiality. It wasn’t a shining moment for him, but it did bring him a lot of media attention. It was also arguably the main reason why he was kicked out of being the commencement speaker for my graduating class. For whatever reason, Santorum was supposed to be the commencement speaker for my graduation that was until the faculty and students found out and there was going to be a walk out of the graduation. After much deliberation, the school decided to drop Santorum for them BILLION times better Tim Russert. So yes, the late great Tim Russert, Mr. Meet the Press Tim Russert spoke at my graduation and he was BRILLIANT as expected. So maybe I owe a bit of thanks to Rick.

Anyway, last night Rick did pretty well for himself. He didn’t steal any headlines nor did he make any headlines as well. Rick showed at this point and with this mediocre of a Republican field that he can be right there in it as a supporting cast member. More than anything, I think Rick showed that even though he hasn’t participated in politics since his failed 2006 campaign that he still knows how to stand on stage and answer questions in vague ramble rousing ways like the rest of them.

Lastly, as Tim Pawlenty tries to make a name for himself and push for the front of the pack, I think it would behoove Rick to always be there. Rick and Tim look a like and Rick looks like the 10 years younger and slightly taller version.

TIM PAWLENTY

As mentioned, a second ago, Tim kind of looks like Rick’s older brother or young father. Pawlenty is a new name and face for the general public and I don’t think he made much more of an impression than that in last night’s debate. All the headlines this morning are still about Bachmann and Romney. It is very early in this race as mentioned this is all the semi-real, but Pawlenty didn’t do anything last night that made any lasting impression. He was up there and he was talking, but that’s about it. His younger clone Santorum has spoken at RNC’s before and was previously the golden child of the Republican party before his animal sex = gay sex comments and then losing his Senate seat. Pawlenty is out there in Minnesota governing. And does anyone take what happens in Minnesota seriously? Oh you won an election in Minnesota? Oh you won the Governor’s desk in Minnesota? Yeah, so did JESSE “THE BODY” VENTURA! So, you might want to stop bragging.

Also, Pawlenty lost any and all young undecideds by saying not only does he not watch Leno/Conan, but he would choose Leno over Conan. Fucking nail in the coffin to that issue.

MICHELE BACHMANN

Awww yeah… sexy momma… sexy foster momma… AM I RIGHT?! Nope. I did put up that article last week where her campaign manager wouldn’t stop talking about how hot Bachmann was. Definitely in the grand scheme of things if I had to choose a Republican candidate to run for the Oval Office and I had to base my vote on which one I would like my dong to be inside of… well… of the people on stage last night… it would be… Sant… Rom… eh, I guess Bachmann. You would really think she would be some top flight babe with all this talk about her being attractive. She’s an ok looking woman. She’s not stopping traffic or anything. She’s not supposed to be, but I’m just saying with all this talk it’s not like I’m buying photoshopped swimsuit calendars with Bachmann’s head on other women’s bodies. Or should I?

Bachmann was ok last night. I don’t think she did anything all that interesting, but pundits are having a fun time blowing her or muff diving her or whatever the appropriate term is. The only thing she really dove on was the Obamacare issue which was one of the only things they dove on. She wants to overturn it completely. Well, that won’t happen. Nevertheless, my favorite moment of hers was the “France?!” comment during the Libya segment. Apparently, France is not to be trusted, but later they were one of our “friends”. Regardless, Bachmann talked a bunch and for the most part got through it with relatively little mistakes. The way the #cnndebate was set-up they tried not to give any of the candidates breathing room with their answers with John King nagging them with “uh huh… yeah… but… yeah… let’s… yeah… uh-huh” trying to cut them off to stay to the 30 second time limit of rebuttals. It didn’t really allow the candidates to go off on the rants that really get them in trouble.

I don’t think Bachmann said anything particularly intelligent last night, she just didn’t say anything crazy stupid, so I guess that’s a plus for her.

RON PAUL

I don’t like Ron Paul. Never have. I don’t like his son either. I don’t get the Ron Paul fascination that some people have. I think people enjoy the word “libertarian” and have little concept what it means nor have any clue what Ron Paul stands for. To me, Ron Paul is Mr. Magoo up there spouting his brand of Republicanism that doesn’t gel entirely with what everyone else is saying up there, but he’s up there with them and about 80% is the same and those people are not libertarian. I doubt CSPAN’s ratings have gone drastically up over the years, so I imagine that Ron Paul stole the public’s attention much like the old mouth of John McCain did by appearing on late night talk shows. I know Ron Paul has been on Bill Maher a bunch, so if that is the reason why people think he is better than the rest then they need to have that bad blood drawn out of their brain with leeches like they did during Ron Paul’s youth.

I don’t think Ron Paul showed well last night. They had him next to Mitt Romney who stood look like a glorious leering oak tree of a man next to the old feeble Paul. I also think Paul didn’t say anything that really distanced himself as the great libertarian he says he is last night. The one thing that Paul has going for him that may be good for people who are undecided, but not for people who are Republican is that he can/will be critical of W. Bush’s presidency. When pressed on the economy, he’ll talk about how the mistakes of the President Bush as well as President Obama.

One major grievance I have with Paul is that to me he is an isolationist. I’ll say the “to me” portion although I would find it hard for anyone to debate otherwise. Walling up our country, pulling our troops back and all that stuff in my opinion is a terrible decision for our country and any country.

The funny thing with President Obama is how pro-military and how aggressive militarily he is in comparison to the stereotype that Democrats are the anti-thesis of that. Now, Paul wants to remove all of our troops from these other countries and bring them home, but that fits into his isolationism as mentioned. But it is fun or weird or whatever to see a group of Republicans having to be on the other side of the debate now where they are basically talking about scaling back our military. Obama certainly isn’t scaling it back. And if the Republicans want to continue to be the anti-Obamas then they are now getting away from what used to be a key Republican issue which was pro-military. To me – that’s funny. But I find odd things funny.

NEWT GINGRICH

“Nasty” Newt! I was hoping that Newt would come out like a wild man last night to show that all this talk about not being a serious candidate from all this bad press he’s been getting isn’t true. But I felt like it was true last night. More than anything, I think Newt looked the most uncomfortable up there. Newt’s not much of a rabble rouser like the rest and Newt’s not polished enough to hang back. He’s Newt. NEWT! He speaks his mind, he thinks he’s smarter than you and all that stuff. In many of the questions, Newt looked like a man without a country up there and/or the one who didn’t get the memo of what the rest would say and agree on. I honestly kept forgetting Newt was up there and whenever John King would throw a question to Newt it always looked like he had forgotten too. What? Oh me? Right… well, I only heard half the question because I forgot I was even answering questions.

Unless something drastic happens with Newt over the next month, I imagine he’ll fade away into the sunset and get back to promoting his book and that documentary of his and try to be the unattractive male Sarah Palin. I did like that some of them were referring to him as the “Speaker” as if he was the current Speaker of the House or had been recently. I really need to get a job where if you hold it once then people call you it always. President, Doctor, Coach… Chef. That’s arguably the dumbest. I’ve watched a lot of Top Chef in my day and them all calling each  other “Chef” is downright retarded. Nothing against the profession because I love food and I love love love good food, but seriously “Chef”? On their best and worst day they are a guy or a woman cooking you a steak in a kitchen, let’s stop with treating them like dignitaries. Or let’s go the opposite and just make every job that way – Hello, Blogger. Well hello there, Blogger. Oh I see you are meeting with Editor this morning and then later Admin Assistant. Good day Blogger.

MITT ROMNEY

He is a handsome man, but he also seems like a creep. The more he does this the more creepy he seems. His hair is less pompadour like his youthful days and was more slicked back like a 1920’s movie gangster. Romney didn’t say much last night and if he did it was something like “What has the President failed at? What hasn’t the President failed at is the better question?!” I get that they’re running against President Obama and they believe the best strategy is to make it seem like his entire presidency has been an utter failure, but that doesn’t make any sense to me if you believe saving the auto-industry, killing Osama bin Laden, reducing nuclear weapons, saving the banking industry, pulling troops out of Iraq – just to name a few things – were good ideas. If you don’t think they were good ideas then that’s fine. Last night, Romney stood on stage, looked the most “presidential” meaning tall and good looking and he tried to be as negative as he could be about the current administration.

Romney is going to have a tough time in this election when the candidates actually start pressing each other on issues. These other candidates are going to be appealing to the Conservatives and Romney is not that Conservative. You could see in several of the issues like Obamacare and abortion the candidates weren’t going for the jugular, but they were poking at Romney that he isn’t like the rest when it comes to these issues. I think Romney tried to just hang back in this debate as he will for a little thinking that these debates are like pre-All-Star game baseball games that kind of don’t matter. But when it does matter, Romney is going to have to find away to prove he’s a better candidate than these people despite not being the best representation for most conservative issues.

In the end, I think Romney’s vanity is probably his biggest problem. I bet he looks at this field of candidates and thinks it is clear he is better than them (which in many ways he is), but the Republicans from far and wide in this country haven’t thought that about him before and they probably won’t now. He’s not a Tea Party President and he’s not one of the common folk like Palin pushes. So, Romney better have some tricks up his sleeve besides being a great catch on Ok Cupid.

HERMAN CAIN

Love ’em. I don’t agree with him on basically anything. But I’m a fan of him. He’s up there trying his best. Just a business man with a dream. I’m fine with anyone throwing their hat into the ring during these primaries. This is the time to make magic happen. Later down the line, you have to put your support with an actual viable candidate that makes it out of these things and represents you more than not. Right now, Cain can get up there and speak his mind and do whatever. He even got some props from Newt Gingrich about his ideas for immigration. Good for him.

I also love his name – HERMAN CAIN. Sounds like a detective of the supernatural on ABC. On Thursdays this fall, the city of Los Angeles has a new ghost hunter HERMAN CAIN! Nevertheless, no one is taking him seriously. He’s just another guy on stage. If you’re a tea party person then you’re probably already pulling for Michele Bachmann already and couldn’t careless about Herman.

….

Lastly, I liked that for no apparent reason there were some questions last night about Sarah Palin, so the candidates could fellate Sarah Palin. That was self-serving and fun.

I hate CNN by the way. I found watching last night to be a crazy headache more so than listening to the candidates speak. All the shit flying around on the screen and John King interrupting and all the new technology of taking pictures of your TV with your camera phone to reveal hidden images. It was like watching one of the interactive DVDs and after 10 minutes you are like FUCK THIS MOVIE. Enough! I don’t care that Tom Selleck tried out to play Indy, I just want to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark uninterrupted.

Anyway…

Thanks.

Bye.

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10 Responses to “The Winner Of The 2011 REPUBLICAN BEAUTY PAGEANT IS….”

  1. PWG said

    I learned my lesson with Kennedy and Nixon, I mostly listened to the debate instead of watched it. That way the do-able candidates can’t trick me with their attractiveness. I’m on to you, Romney and Bachmann, just because you’re arguably the most fuckable GOP candidates doesn’t mean you’re getting my vote! Who am I kidding, I wouldn’t vote for any of those clowns if they were running against Sauron. Whom I kept mixing up with Saruman, both of whom I’m now mixing up with Santorum. Really Tolkein? You couldn’t come up with two totally different names for your bad guys? Santorum WISHES that was the only knee-jerk negative reaction to his name, thank you Dan Savage.

  2. PWG said

    I don’t know why they bother to have them all up there on stage at once, it’s not like they’re debating each other. They’re debating not-there Obama. I did like the part where Romney said he thought anyone up there on stage would be a better President than Obama. I’d like to see him voting for Ron Paul over Obama if it came down to that in alternate-reality USA. I remember when Ron Paul used to sound super crazy compared to the other candidates. He hasn’t changed his message at all, the rest of them have just wandered over to his Libertarian/Tea Party views. Speaking of fringe candidates, can you imagine a Ron/Rand Paul vs. Kucinich race? I’d quit my job and stare at my TV all the way ’til November.

    If I were running a Republican campaign, I’d run it like Romney’s so ineptly trying to do it now. The Democrats don’t pander to the super liberal side of the party, they know those people aren’t going to vote Republican. But most of the GOP is pandering to the far right. Look, those people are already in your bag, you need the middle, the Independents. Lately the Republicans are bending over backwards to pull in the far right in the primaries, but then they have to explain all that shit they said in those debates during the general election.

  3. PWG said

    How many kids has Bachmann fostered? Is it 23? I think it’s 23. Exactly the same number as the number of times she mentioned it.

    If the Republican party had one wish, I think they would use it to make Ron Reagan, Jr. not liberal, not an atheist and not a former ballet dancer. If they could make that happen they would crowd surf that motherfucker straight to Iowa tomorrow.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Speaking of Dutch, they didn’t mention him at all as far as I remember last night. Big difference than most Republican talking sessions. They talk about Ron’s presidency like it is a piece of silly puddy they can shape and mold to whatever talking point they feel like emphasizing with a completely out of context or completely untrue factoid about his two terms in office. I saw the documentary they did on Dutch on HBO with his son… great doc. I loved the son’s parts especially. I look at Ron Jr. like I look at John Lennon’s kids… they’ve got a lot of the same talent as their father, but they don’t want to be anywhere near as famous as he was and seemingly would not like to even put themselves forth for the comparisons. Ron Jr. is a great speaker and very likable even to people who first hearing him talk plus he’s got the name and so forth and he does have a career in politics, but might not have the ambition of his father probably because he saw the other side of it.

      Well, that wasn’t too funny… so

      A horse walks into a bar and he says “ouch, that hurt.”

      • PWG said

        I was very disappointed, I was playing the Ronald Reagan drinking game with a pint of Guinness last night and I think he only got namechecked ONCE, and it was Gingrich who did it. I drank the rest of the beer anyway, but clearly I should’ve picked “23” as my drinking phrase.

        Last election if you’d picked “9/11” you would’ve been high as a kite 5 minutes into it.

  4. I used to consider myself a true Independent, someone who really could go either way. I mean, I grew up in relatively wealthy, hardly diverse, suburban New Jersey with two Republican parents – it’s not totally out of left field that I could identify with some Republican issues. Plus, I work a typical white collar job and pay good money for my benefits (that never seem to cover shit), and have been contributing to Social Security and taxes, etc, since the ripe old age of 14. But these Republican “debates” and events are always a real eye-opener for me. I’m such a dirty liberal these days. I’ll blame those formative years spent in Boston, drinking the conservative out of me.

    Bachmann’s rocking a horse-mouth. I felt bad for focusing on that last night because it’s shallow and chicks should support chicks because yay feminism or whatever, but then I realized that I’m only focusing on it because EVERYONE ELSE IS. So I felt slightly less shallow. Also, I think she’s an idiot so hot or not, there’s no way I’m voting for her.

    I’ll stop rambling because I agree with everything else.

  5. But if the Republicans want to dig up the late, great Sergeant Stubby, bury him in a Pet Cemetary, and then put him on the ballot… I would actually consider voting red for a change.

    • PWG said

      I’m sure it’s a sign of our latent Wonder Twin powers that I knew who Sergeant Stubby was before I clicked on the link. That dog could’ve kicked Blondi’s ASS!!!!!!

      If they’re digging up famous dead dogs, Pet Cemeterying them and putting them on the ballot, I don’t think I’d vote for Blondi even though the whole Hitler thing was hardly her fault. Just best not to take the chance that our next dog President is a secret Nazi.

    • PWG said

      Well, except for the part about Stubby being a WWI hero, and not WWII. Dog hero fact recall fail.

  6. Hannah said

    Mitt Romney 2012!!!!! :):):)

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