“Sugar Free” Robitussin DM is Satan’s Semen

June 20, 2011

I’m sick.

It’s amazing how a stuffy nose with the post-nasal-drip can reek havoc on your entire body. Like my ENTIRE body. Just because some snot is overflowing and running down the back of my throat like a creek of chemical run-off, you wouldn’t necessarily think that the rest of me was infected with AIDS, but IT DOES. I can’t imagine how bad AIDS must feel if a post-nasal-drip makes me want to cease existence. Not die, but “cease existence” like put a pause on the Earth and the flow of life comes to a halt until this all goes away.

It’s just some liquid running down the back of my throat, but my cheeks hurt. BOTH OF THEM. Like the ones on my face hurt, but then my butt cheeks hurt too. And if I had cheeks on my feet, well then they would hurt. My feet hurt. Of course, my ears hurt and my head hurts, but it is all because of PND. I’ll tell you what, PND can go fuck itself. That’s right. I said it.

As for the title of this fair post, last night I went into the bathroom to have some Robitussin DM before I knocked myself out with Ambien and then to wake up a few hours later in a coughing fit when I guess the DM wore off. Anyway, in the bathroom was Robitussin DM and when I picked up the bottle, I noted that it said “Sugar Free”. I didn’t think much of it, but I SHOULD HAVE!

At first, I thought to myself – why would they make a specific “Sugar Free” Robitussin DM? How much Robitussin are you drinking that you are worried about the sugar count in it? Or is this a “Sugar Free” version because of those weirdos who can’t have sugar, but need Robitussin so badly and now there is this “Sugar Free” brand and if that is the case why is it with me because I definitely can handle the sweet sweet beautiful never hurt a soul SUGAR.

I actually enjoy the taste of Robitussin DM with SUGAR. The dark blood red concoction that I’m only allowed to drink 2 tablespoons of once in a blue moon when I’m sick. It’s sweet rich body almost reminds me of pancake syrup mixed with a highly potent numbing agent to put my throat to sleep. But when I poured out the contents this “Sugar Free” bottle I was not greeted with the crimson of my sweet lover… Oh NO! It was clear… this was ominous and did not forebode well for me.

“Sugar Free” is a vile nastiness that as I imagine could only have been formed in the genetic soup of the Dark Evil Overlord of Hell’s balls. It is the Morning Star’s money shot. Lucifer’s load. The Devil’s dick drip. Satan’s splooge. And so on. Does it work? It didn’t last night. The key ingredient was sugar that made Robitussin DM not only not the ejaculate of the Evil One, but I’m just guessing and saying it was what kept me from not coughing even if that doesn’t make any sense.

What else?

Clarence Clemons from The E Street Band and Ryan Dunn from Jackass are both dead. Their deaths are completely unrelated, but both deaths suck. I’ll miss seeing both of them perform as completely underrated members of their particular group.

What else?

“The Green Lantern” did better than I thought it would, but most of that was helped by 3D ticket prices being so damn high. Nevertheless, it still came in lower than Thor and X-Men: First Class and actually cost more money than those films to make. To me “The Green Lantern” looks like the guys who made Fantastic Four got a sneak peak at Thor last year and decided to rush and rip it off.

Right now, the movie studios have a formula for these comic book movies and they are running with them. The set-up to these films and the look of them are not different. Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, Iron Man, The Hulk, Green Lantern and so on all have a similar look and feel. I understand there aren’t a ton of filmmakers out there that can make a movie like Nolan’s Batman movies, so I’m not asking for that. But I want them to break the mold. I want them to handle these movies in a different way. I wasn’t a huge fan of “Sin City”, but it is a tour-de-force in comparison to the comic book movies I just mentioned (not the Batman ones). The movie The Green Hornet seemingly was trying to be different, but in the end that movie was exactly like the rest.

I want to see someone get ridiculous with one of these super heroes. They’ve fucked up making so many of them that why not just try to be absurd and insane with one. Take one that isn’t going to be in the Avengers movie (which will suck) and go bat shit nuts with it. Why not?

Actually, they’ve failed doing that as well. They’ve hired directors who you would never think would make a super hero movie like Ang Lee and his version of The Hulk sucked as much as the rest. I feel like it has to be the studio that is stepping in or maybe these people just don’t understand heroes and villains and how to make a story with them. I don’t know. It just seems pathetic that whoever directed and put together the Highlander TV series understood filmmaking better than anyone who is associated with these comic book movies.

Every episode of Highlander was the same and Adrian Paul always looked badass with his pony tail and his dragon handled katana.

The show would start with two people fighting. The one person was clearly the villain and would act very villainous during this fight. They would have the sword fight and the villain would win and cut off the other dude’s head and gain his powers.

Adrian Paul would be doing something badass like riding in an expensive old convertible roadster or having sex with a woman on silk sheets in a canopy bed. He would get the news that this guy got his head cut off. That’s when he would start having flash backs to some distant time period where he had met that person.

At first those flashes just told him about the person, but there was something missing.

As the episode continued and you would see Paul doing cool things like training karate or having sex with women on a chez lounge from the 16th century while sweet saxophone solos played, Paul would have more flashbacks with each one giving him more information.

At some point, Paul would run into the bad guy who cut the dude’s head off and that is when Paul would have a flashback rekindling the whole situation and how these two guys know each other like that guy stepped on Paul’s show once when they were crossing the Atlantic Ocean on the Mayflower and the two have never settled their differences.

Finally, after many training montages of Paul with his kendo stick and him deep in thought, he would face the bad man on top of a bridge or a building. There they would have a sword fight to settle their hundreds of years old difference and Paul would cut the dude’s head off.

Also, Queen’s “Princes of the Universe” would play giving me goose bumps.

In later seasons, Paul had a Robin character who had blonde curly hair who always fought the bad guy, but lost, but somehow didn’t get his head cut off and then Paul would get retribution not only for the ass kicking his squire took, but also for that guy sleeping with his girlfriend back in the 1100’s in Spain.

Anyway… great TV show.

What else?

“Game of Thrones” had its season finale. It was super awesome. Some would say it was triple cool.

I am like 380 or so into the 550 of that book and I’m eagerly awaiting to read the next book. I feel completely nerdy, but who cares? If chicks are reading about boy wizards, vampires, and sci-fi reality TV show death matches then what kind of judgment could they have on me and my knights and my wolves and my dragons? We’re all a bunch of nerds trying to hook up with each other and produce near sighted children, am I right?

Also, I have a theory that since everyone wears glasses nowadays that as glasses wearers keep producing with other glasses wearers and they have glasses wearing offspring… we’re going to one day have a generation of children both near sighted and far sighted and basically blind. At that point, when the blind are having kids with the blind then the aliens won’t need to worry about elaborate invasions to take over Earth. They could just walk on in and take over this blind ass planet.

Think on that.

I hope you had a good weekend.

I hope you are not sick.



3 Responses to ““Sugar Free” Robitussin DM is Satan’s Semen”

  1. PWG said

    This is where I’d like to say, “I’ve had sugar free Robitussin DM andSatan’s semen, and you’re wrong.” But I haven’t even had one of those things. That I know of.

    Speaking of Hellspawn, I saw Thor again this weekend. I saw it once by myself a while ago, but we were looking for a family Fathers Day movie and the Green Lantern trailer just looked so goddamn bad that I couldn’t even risk it. I would rather sit through a known quantity of bad instead of a potentially unlimited waterfall of bad, is what I’m saying. And since I’d already seen Thor, I didn’t have to waste any brainpower trying to detect a plot; I just ogled Chris Hemsworth’s torso and tried to decide if he could play Jack Reacher. Better choice than Tom Cruise, but still no.

    It’s PG-13 and neither of my kids are 13. One of them isn’t even half of that yet. But don’t worry, I parentally guided the HELL out of them. When Thor threw his hammer through the head of the monster they borrowed from Clash of the Titans, I covered the little guy’s eyes. The rest of it, meh, it was mostly poorly lit quick edit fighting scenes with a lot of sword clashing sound effects. Who am I kidding, that’s just a bullshit justification so I didn’t have to see Mr. Popper’s Penguins.

    Hope you feel better soon. Try Mucinex DM with a lot of water instead. Better than the Devil spunk: 3x the dextromethorphan and 6x the guaifenesin. Trust me, it’s the guaifenesin you want.

  2. It’s cool for chicks to like nerds these days, so go crazy on the dragon tales with your bad pale self. But quit hating on us glasses-wearing folk. First of all, we’re your nerdy brethren. Second of all, we can’t help it. And if your theory is true, then as one sense weakens another should grow stronger. So hopefully the nearsighted children of the future will just be able to smell the aliens coming or will develop bat-like sonar to sense them so that they know just the right second to throw water on them. But I’ll probably be long dead by then so WHATEVS. My grandbabies are on their own.

    Feel better.

  3. Nix said

    Dude! I would TOTALLY wait for the beginning of each Highlander episode just so I could headbang to Princes of the Universe! Albeit briefly. I think thats when the parentals started considering institutionalising me… WhatEVAH!

    Feel better.

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