This Week Has Been Just As Long As The Others…

June 23, 2011


I really can’t get a hold of anything I feel like talking about this week.

Truthfully, there are different topics circling above my greasy bed head hair, but nothing that I feel snatching, snapping the neck of, plucking the feathers from, and then roasting over a fire on a spit and then sinking my teeth into.

Clarence Clemons died and that sucks, but I don’t feel like talking about it.

Ryan Dunn died and that sucks too, and if you are/were a facebook friend of mine (which you certainly can be for a small fee) or a twitter follower of mine then you would know my thoughts on his death. Well, one thought or two thoughts. I’m sad he’s gone and in some sick way you have to laugh at the idea that Roger Ebert made a pun about his death. A pun?!

Roger Ebert is an asshole. But we knew that already. Jaw or no jaw, he’s still a pompous asshole.

I just saw “Whitey” Bulger got caught. If you don’t know who he is then go Wikipedia him because it’s an interesting read. It will read just as well and I think better than any gangster film put out by Martin Scorcese.

What is there to talk about?

President Barack Obama gave us his plan for troop withdrawal from Afghanistan last night. That was nice of him, I thought.

The First Lady Michelle Obama is in Africa with her and Barack’s daughters and they’re going around and reading books to children at schools. Sounds all well and wonderful like everything else that mahogany angel does. I have seen a fair amount of criticism for Michelle over the past couple years about all these things that she does and I can’t understand it. She wants the children of this world to eat better and not have diabetes and not be fat curmudgeons like most of their parents. I don’t understand where or why or how you could criticize that. Michelle’s other initiative is to promote education. How dare she?! And if they don’t criticize her about that then if she travels to Spain and stays at a nice hotel they criticize her as a “modern day Marie Antoinette” – that is from the New York Daily News. I’m not exactly sure where people think the WIFE of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA should spend her nights in a foreign country, but I would highly doubt she should be a youth hostel just because the “economy is bad”. The economy isn’t so bad that Rupert Murdoch or Ted Turner or Donald Trump or whoever are now bunking together in motel 6s when they’re on the road doing whatever they do together on the road.

In my opinion, if you criticize Michelle Obama you should be beaten with whiffle ball bats filled with concrete by a band of fat children with an early on set of diabetes and when they run out of steam and are near heart attack that is when you are thrown into a pit where 2 on 2 animal versus animal fights happen all around – snakes vs. roosters, snapping turtles vs. rabies ridden raccoons.

Not to point fingers, but we did have a First Lady not too long ago who actually killed a guy and I don’t remember this type of criticism. I wonder how many other First Ladies have killed people? Nancy, Martha, Barbara, Hillary, Jacqueline? Hmmmm…

Where are the other stories?!

Tobey Maguire as well as some other celebrities (about 20) are being sued by the government for their illegal poker winnings in California. Maguire is being sued for more than $300,000. My response? GOOD! Fuck poker. Poker is boring as shit. No wonder cowboys in the wild west were killing each other all the time. They had guns at their hips and their free time was spent playing poker. I’d kill a man too if the only way I could let off steam from being a cowboy was to sit down and play the most boring ass card game that takes a million hours to finish. Poker is the dumbest too. It is utterly worthless.

Do you want to know a trick about telling if something is worthwhile or not? Look at the professionals of it. Look at the cream of the fucking crop and see who they are and if they look like people you want to be then it is worthwhile. No one looks worse than poker players. Sure there is a diamond in the rough, the exception that proves the rule and if you dug deep enough you could find me a poker player that is someone you might want to aspire to be… but the rest – nope. They all look date rapists. Even the women. That’s a strong statement when even the women of the profession look like they’re date rapists. If you have never seen “Poker After Dark” on NBC then you don’t have a sleeping disorder… but if you do see it – not one of those people looks like a trustworthy individual. They’re all shady scamps who would sell their own mothers out for a buffalo nickel.

What else… oh right?! DATE RAPE!

Did anyone else read the first few pages of Bristol Palin’s autobiography?

*SPOILER ALERT* Bristol is claiming that Levi filled her full of wine coolers (knowingly) and then filled her full of his seed (unknowingly). Yep, Levi apparently date raped Bristol. Following said date rape, Bristol’s immediate thought was that she was going to have to marry Levi now. Also, she says it was her virginity as well that he took in that tent after the wine coolers.

I’m sorry if any of that is true… but I have a hard time believing any of it is. There really is two schools of thought about this if it is true:

1. Bristol did not tell her parents about any of this. And for the shame she thought she would bring upon her family she decided to stay with the date rapists who impregnated her. Also, I guess she knew immediately she was with child like a Spider-Man sixth sense thing. Maybe not. Maybe she just needed to stay with guy who wrongfully took her virginity and then she just was guessing he could have knocked her up as well. Also also, she says she wakes up in this tent and there were signs that they had sex and her friend comes in the tent and is like you two totally had sex. Anyway, couldn’t he have used a condom? It doesn’t go into any detail maybe later in the book they get into that… but anyone I’m rambling about scenario #1.

2. Bristol told her parents. Sarah and Tod though it best that while Sarah was Governor and then later was running for VP that they should continue this mascaraed as the perfect American family and bring along ole’ date rapey Levi to make the pictures look better regardless of what Bristol thought about things. That’s strange isn’t it?

3. Fuck the Palins and fuck “Teen Mom” for not getting together and having Bristol on that show. Oh man, that would’ve been great and saved us a lot of trouble with Sarah. Sarah doesn’t want to be a politician. She actually isn’t a politician. But she does love being on TV and “Teen Mom” would have provided her that. Her and Bristol would’ve been huge on that show!

Anyway… the book sounds like it gets off to a page turning start.

What else?


I’ve been reading my ass off like I’m some sexually curious, but shy teenage girl who is spending the summer at her grand parents log cabin and her only outlet for her burgeoning hormones are stacks and stacks of young adult fiction like worn VC Andrews paperbacks.

I finished “Game of Thrones” and immediately started on the second book “Clash of the Kings” in this “A Song of Ice and Fire” book series. Obviously, it is more exciting reading this second book than the first because I started reading the first about 7 episodes into the “Game of Thrones” TV series. I think both the book and the shows have their own merit and I have a difficult time saying one is better than the other.

The show has definitely made changes to the book and some of those changes I think are for the better and some are for the worse. For instance, Arya’s “dancing teacher” Syrio who was actually teaching the young girl how to fight with a sword – his look is better in the show than the book. In the book, he is a spindly old bald man. In the show, he looks like Antonio Banderas’ uncle. I don’t know what Antonio Banderas’ real uncle looks like, but I would guess he looks like that guy. But at the same time, the fight scene that Syrio has in the book to save Arya is much better than the show’s version. The show doesn’t do a bad job, but he certainly appears much more fearsome in the book than in the show.

I’m like a 100 pages so far into the second book and they are going back and forth between the castles and it’s great, but what about the motherfucking DRAGONS?! They better have a chapter come soon from Dany’s perspective so I can hear about dem dragons or I’m going to lose it. The chick’s got 3 dragons and there hasn’t been a peep yet!

And for all of you who are fans of Peter Dinklage and Tyrion from the first season of “Game of Thrones”, well he gets even better in the second book. As seen in the last episode of the show, Tyrion will now be the “Hand of the King”. The King he is the Hand to is his nephew that he famously slapped around in an earlier episode, and you can venture to guess he doesn’t do exactly what the King wants him to do while he is the new Hand. Anyway, this shit is good and he has beard.

What else? What else? What else?

Transformers 3 doesn’t come out until next week, so I’ll save that for next week.

There are fights FIGHTS F-I-G-H-T-S! on Friday, Saturday and Sunday on TV.

Friday night – Showtime

Saturday night – MTV 2

Sunday night – Versus

If you can only watch ONE then I would choose Sunday night and Versus. If you can only watch TWO then watch Versus and watch MTV 2. If you have Showtime then just DVR that bad boy and watch that later. Why do I have to do all your thinking for you?!








Pledges of Fealty…


12 Responses to “This Week Has Been Just As Long As The Others…”

  1. tiffanized said

    I’m glad Ryan Dunn didn’t kill innocents. Unless the guy he killed was an innocent, I’ll have to wait for the police report.

    Michelle Obama’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign would be more believable if she or Barack were actively trying to dismantle the subsidization of foods that made people fat in the first place. Not that I don’t love a $8 steak or corn sugar in EVERYTHING I EAT but it would be nice if someone recognized that cheap nasty food was making us fat instead of video games. I mean, have you PLAYED Black Ops? The stress alone has caused me to shed 12 pounds.

    I take date rape pretty seriously. If Johnston had unprotected sex with Bristol Palin after drunkening her up that’s terrible. I will tell you that one of the best moments of the 2008 election for me was the admission that there was NO WAY Trig was Bristol’s baby because she was already knocked up. Yay for choice!

    I can’t read books anymore because my brain can only focus on Matlock and the Food Network, and occasionally KSWI. I’ve been trying to read “Practical Magic”–complicated masterpiece that it is–for at least two months with little progress. I used to tear up like 8 books a month, now I buy 8 books a month and read about .0097 of one. The rest of them I use as furniture and fuel for warmth.

    No idea about Game of Thrones. See above paragraph.

  2. PWG said

    That is a lot of ground covered. I stared at mascaraed for a good long while before I figured out what it was supposed to be. Because in my book, and I don’t know about Webster’s book, mascaraed is a word. It’s just not masquerade. I lost a spelling bee in 6th grade with masquerade. Or maybe it was harlequin. Some stupid Q word about people dressing up funny. Bitter.

    Kristen looks good in these pictures. I cannot imagine wearing those shoes, though. They make you walk funny like in the last picture where she looks like she’s impaled on a carousel pole. I understand they’re supposed to tone your calves or make your ass look good or something, and I know I’m in the minority here. They just look so fucking uncomfortable. And I could really benefit from a 6″ heel. They’d just need to come with their own gravity field so I didn’t have to try and walk with that posture. I do like the click click click sound other people make when they walk in those masochistic things though. Sorry, that’s completely random, but it fits in with today’s theme I guess.

  3. PWG said

    Game of Thrones. So much money I’ve spent on Game of Thrones. Someone loaned me the first one, and my husband lost it so I had to buy my friend new one. Then I needed my own new copy because that shit is dense and I knew I’d probably need to re-read it later to get all the players straight.

    I bought the next three books before I got my Kindle, and now I need to buy all of them all over again on my Kindle so I can use that feature where you look up characters’ names when you can’t remember who the fuck they are. By book four we’re juggling a lot of goddamned characters, is what I’m saying, and there were five years between the publication of books 3 and 4. And it’s been SIX years since book 4.

    And now I’m getting scared. George R. R. Martin is in his 60’s, and frankly he looks like he’s eating Slurpees and Fritos for two meals a day. Robert Jordan wrote 11 (ELEVEN) Wheel of Time books before he kicked the bucket. There was supposed to be one more book, and then he croaked. These were not thin little pamphlets, either. You could easily have killed a small dog by dropping one of those fucking books on it. So you slog through progressively more boring and convoluted books because god damn it, you’ve already wasted the equivalent of 10 months of your life reading them and if you don’t finish the last one it was all a waste of time, and then he dies. Dies. Bastard. So they gave his notes to Brandon Sanderson to finish the last book, but that’s like ghosting out the Gone with the Wind sequel, just not the same, and even then it somehow turns into three more books. 14 books. I like Brandon Sanderson just fine, but if he doesn’t finally put an end to that series someone needs to get hurt. I don’t care if it ends with a Dynasty Moldavia-style wedding scene, just end it. Same goes for you, George R. R. Martin.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I can’t remember if Martin said his series is supposed to be 6 or 7 books, but I remember he did make mention of that in a recent interview. Also he does look like he needs to follow some of Michelle Obama’s play 60 minutes outside a day rules to get him down to a trip pre-diabetic state. The second season of GOT will start up in the Spring, and if they end up keeping this up once a year then he’ll have a couple more years to get his hands writing about these dragons and what have you.

      As for your fear and him dying before the book ends… Well, that was my main fear, and unashamed to admit it, when the tsunami/earthquake et al struck Japan. I have invested a lot of time in reading Naruto and Bleach mangas and even more time watching the anime episodes based on those mangas. At about 20 pages each and over 500 episodes for Naruto and 400 for Bleach just for the mangas alone – I’ve read easily 20,000+ pages of comic books all about these dumb ass orange headed ninja/samurai kids. If either of the writers of those comics dies before they finish their respective series … I WILL BURN THE EMPIRE. Whose empire? I don’t even know because I’ll be so blind with fury that I will just burn everything with in burning distance.

  4. PWG said

    Friday task: review Killer Elite trailer, mock Clive Owen’s mustache unmercifully.

  5. This will likely make me sound insensitive and horrible, but I’m having trouble buying the date rape thing. If all of that is true, than Sarah Palin is even worse than I thought she was and I feel very sorry for Bristol. But getting drunk and making a poor decision does not equal date rape. Do you know how many wine coolers it takes to get drunk? They’re like 4% alcohol. So if my math is right, by my calculations, it would take the average person approximately one shit ton of wine coolers to get can’t-control-myself drunk. Also, if she was slipped a roofie and carried off to the tent, then fair enough. But you can’t just “slip” someone one shit ton of wine coolers. Unless he duct taped a funnel to her face and tied her to a chair while he poured 17 gallons of Bartles & Jaymes Pomegranate Raspberry down her throat, then maybe.

    Perhaps I don’t have all of the facts and I’m being the worlds biggest asshole right now, but to me it sounds like some teen girl got drunk to impress the cute boy she’s had a crush on since omg like forever!!1!! and then made the wrong decision to sleep with him when she wasn’t ready. And WHOOPS people get pregnant when they fuck and make poor decisions and now you have a baby.

    I watched a 16 and Pregnant marathon the other night because there’s NO TV ON AT ALL during the summer, so accidental teen pregnancies have been all up in my brain for a few days now.

    • PWG said

      Wait, am I understanding this right? At 16 she went camping with Levi and at least one other girl, got stupid drunk on wine coolers and had virginal unprotected sex with Levi while her friend(s) listened on the other side of the tent – and woke up pregnant?

      I don’t care enough to investigate that thoroughly by reading the book or anything, but let’s look at how many things are wrong there.

      1) Which one of these underage geniuses bought the alcohol?

      2) Maybe I’m all Joan Crawford and shit, but if my kids come to me at 16 and tell me they’re going on an unsupervised co-ed camping trip I’d better trust the living hell out of both my kid and their friends before I’d agree to it. Somehow I think the answer’s going to be “no” unless they’ve proven themselves to be the most abnormally non-hormonal and trustworthy teenagers ever. EV-ER. And even then, I’m personally watching all of them take birth control pills before they leave. 30 days’ worth. Boys and girls both. Fuck it, that’s just not going to happen. Teenagers have sex in dark movie theaters. At family picnics. In changing rooms, whatever. I’m just saying they can manage it while 99% supervised, you’d damn well better expect they’re going to be shagging like minks on an unsupervised camping trip. Stellar parenting, Sarah and First Dude and Levi’s parents.

      3) What kind of fucking loser friend lets you lose your drunk-ass virginity in a tent with everyone else listening? To a douche with a mullet, no less.

      4) I’ll buy the possibility that she was a 16-year old virgin, although I remember Britney Spears trying to sell that shit too. Plus I’ve BEEN 16, so, uh, okay, maybe so.

      5) Can you imagine the horror of being pregnant at the same time as your mom? Ugh.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        3. A douche who was a featured, maybe even Captain, of the hockey team. I would imagine in Alaska that roughly translate to him being a regional King… with a mullet.

      • PWG said

        I cannot believe I just Googled pictures of Levi Johnston, but now I’m forced to admit that at the age of 16 I probably would’ve had sex with the third picture. If it didn’t talk. High five, drunk Bristol!

  6. Nix said

    Well, I’m sure glad you found something to keep you talking! Have a good, feel better, weekend.

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