This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #56

June 24, 2011

It is Friday.

You have survived.

Yet… AGAIN!

Well, done. Congratulate yourself on this one. Give yourself a pat on the back, a pat on the inner-thigh, maybe even a little tickle between the legs. No one is looking. Both man and woman alike enjoy a good tickle in between the legs. But nothing more for the moment, there could be someone watching. Any more than a tickle and they’ll know something weird is going down. I don’t know if you’re at home, work, on a bus, in a helicopter, laying naked and sweaty and covered in your lover’s orgasm and reading this on your smart phone or tablet and in any of these cases… someone could be watching!

But probably not. I’m just saying there is a small percentage chance someone is currently watching you no matter where you are. Hidden camera, hiding in a closet, maybe even in the ceiling or a crawl space in the walls. People do some weird things.

Weird things like… FURRIES!

In Pittsburgh, PA there are two events taking place:

1. The UFC, as mentioned in yesterday’s post, are having fights on Sunday night in Pittsburgh at the Consol Energy Center where the Penguins play. The Penguins being the hockey team and not just random penguins that may be about in the city of Pittsburgh. Those fights will also air on Versus for free for you and me and everyone else.

2. There is a furry convention happening this weekend at the hotel the fighters are staying at.

COINCIDENCE?!

Probably.

So far a few fighters have taken pictures of said “furries”, but I haven’t seen the “UFC fighter + furry” pictures I’m hoping to see. Mostly because these guys are there to fight and they have to weigh in on Saturday, so most of them are miserable from heavy dieting. But there needs to be these pictures. It’s just too funny.

Anyway…

It is FRIDAY and with that I had one question that I know of this week…

That question or more a request for me to review the Killer Elite trailer…

Wow…

That…

Looks…

TERRIBLE.

But that’s what I expect from Jason Statham and all his movies nowadays. If a trailer starts and there is a gun in it and Jason Statham is doing his inappropriate sex caller huff-n-puff voice then that movie will be terrible. Regardless of how many mustaches Clive Owen has in the movie as well.

If Clive Owen had 8 mustaches in this movie, I would still think it looks terrible.

This is the movie’s description:

Based on a true story, “Killer Elite” races across the globe from Australia to Paris, London and the Middle East in the action-packed account of an ex-special ops agent (Jason Statham) who is lured out of retirement to rescue his mentor (Robert De Niro). To make the rescue, he must complete a near-impossible mission of killing three tough-as-nails assassins with a cunning leader (Clive Owen).

BRILLIANTLY… terrible. Do you want to know another mark of a terrible movie, besides Statham and his constipated grumbles, if the description of the movie features no names. None at all. That is not a good sign. Reason being, no one in the movie has a name worth remembering or pointing out.

I am violently fascinated with the 5 words that begin that paragraph though… Based on a true story… And whose story is that? Because NONE of the things in that trailer happened in real life. If they meant “based on a true story” meaning that they based this movie on other actions movies that have been made previously and now they are making their bastard version of it then sure. But at no point in time was there a bald British man tied to a chair in the middle of the day with a mustached British man holding a gun to his head and having a tit-for-tat conversation until the man strapped to the chair used his whirling Kung Fu legs to defeat said mustached man with his gun and then turned and ran and jumped out a window all while tied to a chair. None of that happened. NONE.

Also, if this movie is “based on a true story” and that story is that a special ops guy is being chased around the globe by a league of assassins who then take his mentor and he has to kill said assassins and rescue his mentor… then every movie ever made with a GUN in it is “based on a true story”. All of them. Also, martial arts. From here on out… all MARTIAL ARTS movies are “based on a true story”.

Outside of that, the best part of the trailer was them trying to disguise The Scorpions’ “Rock You Like A Hurricane” for a minute of the trailer until they opened up in to it. Just incredible. Classy ass Scorpions.

Lastly, the only mark of a bad movie you really need to know is its due date – September whatever.

September is a dump month. Like February. You best be leery of any movie that comes out in September. Especially movies that look like they should have come out during other parts of the year. This is an action movie. If it was any good it would come out with the other action movies. But it is September and September movies by and large BLOW.

Speaking of September movies… I am keeping my eye on this one…

Oh he is so handsome. Yes, Ryan Gosling is in a movie called Drive.

The description is thus – A Hollywood stunt performer who moonlights as a wheelman discovers that a contract has been put on him after a heist gone wrong.

I want to be into this because I like the premise and I like Ryan and I do so want to like the director Nicolas Winding Refn.

But lets look at the facts again… the movie is coming out in September. No names in the description. The storyline also sounds pretty f’n similar to Jason Statham’s Transporter movies.

As far as the director, Nicolas Winding Refn. I have seen three of his movies – the famous ones. Pusher, Bronson, Valhalla Rising. Nicolas can make a good looking movie. That’s his area of expertise. The storylines? Not really the best. Pusher was good and at points random, but overall it was a B or maybe B-. It is a gangster film, but it’s good especially for a first movie. Bronson is an interesting movie. Tom Hardy is great in it. A lot of the set pieces of the movie are great and there are a lot of cool scenes, but overall what in the fuck is that movie about? It’s a crazy movie and everything and Tom Hardy is nude throughout it and there is a good deal of violence, but a plot? What’s the story arch? There really isn’t any. But I would still give it a B because overall it kept my attention and was interesting and such. Then there was Valhalla Rising, the first 5-10 minutes was good and then everything past that was disaster. It took me multiple viewings to even sit through the movie it is so dull and boring.

So, I’m hoping Drive will be good because the trailer looks interesting and it looks shot well like his Nic’s other movies. But who knows?

Anyway…

Have a great weekend.

Try to do something you’ve never done before like dress up in an animal costume and have sex with someone wearing another animal costume.

Just a thought…

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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4 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #56”

  1. PWG said

    I would’ve blown a hobo for an Egg McMuffin this morning. Luckily my hangover started last night so I could get a jump on it and not feel awful this morning. But still, nothing is better after a night of ill-advised alcohol choices than some type of grease + egg + cheese combination. Sadly I had to make due with pita bread and tzatzikizzikkii sauce.

    I saw that Killer Elite trailer yesterday and laughed my ass off. That is the most horrible mustache ever. It shouldn’t even be possible to make Clive Owen look that heinous. I liked the chair flipping thing, reminded me of the new Karate Kid ending with Jaden Smith’s laws-of-physics-defying backflip. June 12th was #pretendyouarejasonstathamday on Twitter, by the way:

    “Just acted in three shitty movies with the same premise. #pretendyouarejasonstathamday”

    “J-turned and slammed into the car behind me. Tailing me is a death sentence. #pretendyouarejasonstathamday”

    I hope that Drive clip isn’t the actual movie trailer. Because if so, someone needs to check the financial backers for a Producers-type plot to lose money. Also, I disapprove of this whole “shoot movies at night in the dark with no external lighting so you can’t see anything” trend. That’s not artful lighting, that’s no lighting.

  2. Oh, wow. Killer Elite is something else. Last night I was a little concerned for myself because I realized I really want to see Transformers 3 – like really, really – and I thought maybe my discerning taste was getting less…discerning. But I can still recognize that Killer Elite looks pretty ridiculously terrible so I’m feeling a little better about myself.

    The frame that the Drive trailer-clip freezes on is hilarious.

    I’m going to stay away from furry sex but I will ride the shit out of Segway tomorrow for the first time ever, so… mission accomplished.

  3. PWG said

    Wait does anyone need the Furry Convention program?

    I got that from a co-morker, just so you know what I’m dealing with here on a day-to-day basis.

  4. cledbo said

    Hey kids, you been behaving while I’ve been away? Just pissed myself laughing to that Gracie BJJ video, now I think Mr Cledbo will have me committed.
    I only just sat through that Killer Elite trailer to see if bits of Australia were in it. I am guessing the dusty 4WD is it. Lame. Drive just looks boring.

    Seeing as it’s the end of my weekend, I passed on the animal costume sex idea you put forward, but I did see Super 8 which was good and something I hadn’t done before.

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