I Wish I Was Rolling Around In My Pajamas With Maria Sharapova

June 28, 2011

Escape from side-control back to butterfly guard.

Escape from side-control back to butterfly guard into inverted armbar(s).

I got back to wrestling with men in pajamas today. It is exhausting. I hadn’t been to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class in two weeks. I went the Monday before my birthday and my back felt a little iffy the next morning plus I was tired, so I skipped class on Tuesday. My birthday was Wednesday, plus there are no classes on Wednesday. I skipped Thursday because I felt like it. And once Friday rolled around, I felt lazy and skipped it as well. Last week, I was sick and thought it best I didn’t spread my disease on them as well as I wasn’t feeling into it at all. Yesterday, I just didn’t go.

Today was the day.

It’s still exhausting shit. I also forgot my water bottle in my car and was too lazy to go get it. So when I needed a drink of water I ran to the bathroom and lapped some out of the faucet like a street urchin would.

Anyway, the side-mount escapes were what we learned today. I feel like chicks should do BJJ for 4 reasons:

1. It’s a great workout. There is absolutely no denying that. If you’re looking for an intense workout that is ever changing then this is it. The elliptical or a spin class or whatever can get redundant. Wrestling another human being and trying to submit them with martial arts is never the same moment to moment.

2. Rape. In all honesty, I can’t think of a better martial art to train to combat rape. You’re learning how to fight off your back, get back to your feet and all sorts of stuff like that. Generally speaking, the better you are at BJJ the more unlikely it will be for someone to be able to rape you and… the more ability you will have to rape someone else if you choose to. Think about that! Imagine some guy is getting too handsy and then BLAMO now you’re raping him! He wouldn’t see that coming. Oh what? I’m sorry you didn’t know I have a BJJ blackbelt and I took your back in one move and now you’re trapped and I’m raping you. SERVES YOU RIGHT! The old rape switcheroo – classic.

3. Who doesn’t want to be a ninja and roll around in a gi like a karate man?

4. Chicks wrestling other chicks is pretty hot.

Anyway… As the title suggests… at some point… I… will… talk… about… MARIA SHARAPOVA!


So, Maria plays tennis if you did not know.

How pretty?! Maria is a very pretty lady and she plays tennis as mentioned before in the just above sentence.

Right now, Wimbledon is going on and Maria smoked some chick this morning 6-1, 6-1. In other directly related news, both Venus and Serena were knocked out of the tournament just the other day as well as #1 ranked chica in the world Caroline Wozniacki – she is also a very pretty lady. By the by, I would rather have sex with Serena Williams over Venus. Personality wise (yes, I’m talking personalities) I like Serena a BILLION times more. I find Venus off putting. She has this weird Whitney Houston/Michael Jackson oddness to her when she talks. I think that personality would also carry over to the sexing – if not magnified. So definitely Serena…

Very pretty.

Also, Serena has boobs and a butt. And they’re ENORMOUS! In my head, I imagine Oprah yelling ENORMOUS! They’re enormous. I would imagine having sex with Serena Williams would be like having sex with a goddess of war. Pick whichever goddess of war from different mythologies you would like, but Serena Williams could punch a hole through brick and she could do that also with a whip of her ass. Venus? Well, she’s tall and everything and skinny and whatever, but you’re not going to come across another Serena Williams in your lifetime. I also think Serena has the prettier face and smile. So there’s that. And I generally root for her when the sisters play against each other. Did you know they grew up with Andy Roddick? Andy Roddick seems like a tool and I feel like Venus hung out a lot with Andy and Serena was younger, so she didn’t hang out as much, so she’s not a tool.

What does this have to do with fair Maria?!


Anyway, I think Maria will Wimbledon. There are some other talented ladies in the tournament still (Marion Bartoli), but with the way Maria is playing and the fact that the usuals who beat her are not in the tournament anymore… I think sweet Maria will take home that big dish they get. The chicks get the dish, right? The guys get a trophy and the girls get a dish? Yeah, that’s not sexist.

Anyway, I wanted to show these pretty pretty pretty pictures of Maria like this one…

Oh look at Maria laugh. It’s such a wonderful sight!

I wanted to show these pictures because as pretty as some of the ladies are in tennis (I think it is probably the best looking and highest profile sport for women… for men they’re pretty good looking as well, but there are some good looking dudes in other sports too, so I’m not sure – will need to investigate further I suppose), when those pretty ladies are playing tennis…

They don’t look so pretty…



It’s like Maria is pooping an invisible horse.

Not so pretty. Also, absolutely ridiculous.

You can’t poop a visible horse never less an invisible one. Silly Maria.




So that’s the creepiest picture ever. It’s as if the photographer caught Maria mid transformation between her regular prettiness into her morphing into Arnold Schwarzenegger. Which honestly who knew she could do that? It’s quite a talent as unattractive as it looks.

Whatever fart she is ripping right hear may be louder than the grunts she makes.

Have you ever heard this woman grunt?

She apparently has the highest recorded grunt at the US Open or something at over 100 decibels, which is louder than motorcycle.

For the sake of humanity and her neighbors, I hope she doesn’t do that in bed. If she does I would imagine it is like having sex with a hell hound like Cerberus. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WHHHHHARRRRRRWWUUUUUUUAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Most be hard to keep yourself hard thinking that the Devil is talking to you through your celebrity sex mate.

I know some people don’t like the grunts in tennis… although I do find them to be silly I do like them.

If you’re playing a sport or doing a physical activity, if you’re really pushing yourself – you look like a damn idiot.

That is for sure. You can’t look cool and also be pushing yourself to your physical limit. It’s impossible to do both at the same time. In tennis they are putting it all into those shots and then they grunt like they just passed a kidney stone the size of Mt. Rushmore or shit a sack of bricks. I’d rather them try their best and look like fools then look cool and play half assed.

Anyway… more than anything it is just funny knowing that these pretty ladies can sound like more terrifying than the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

Either way, I’m rooting for Maria to grunt her way to the finals and win.


7 Responses to “I Wish I Was Rolling Around In My Pajamas With Maria Sharapova”

  1. PWG said

    Maybe other people have a hard time offering up their competitive best and still looking sexy, but I’m quite certain I look awesome playing Wii Sports Resort. Pedaling that invisible bike, pretending to be an archer, kayaking in my little invisible boat. Deadly attractive while falling off the little balance board thing and cracking my skull on the coffee table.

    My latest :cough: sports injury is from sanding wood. I’m building a bunkbed for my kids and it’s like an everlasting gobstopper of a project. It’s the Winchester Mystery House of furniture. Somehow I’ve ended up sanding 600 feet of 2×6’s, which by the way will give you coal miner’s lung and blind you even if you’re wearing goggles and a mask. I can sneeze sawdust for hours.

    My nemesis is the electric sander I’m using. It’s absolutely a Decepticon. It only takes one finicky hard-to-find type of sandpaper, which my local Lowe’s is now out of. It randomly turns itself on, so I either have to unplug it when I set it down or at least face it away from me. More than once it’s turned itself on and made a break for the lawn at 750 rpm, only to die when it ran out of extension cord.

    It’s heavy, so when I lift it up left-handed to move the boards around with my right, it’s like holding up a bowling ball at shoulder height. Plus the whole point of it is that it madly tries to run off in one direction while you firmly plant its ass down on the wood instead. After a few hours of that I feel like I’ve been pulling a ferry in with a rope. I wore my fingerprints down so much that I couldn’t authenticate myself on my laptop. So I’m pretty much a big pansy-ass, is what I’m saying. But no rapist had best approach me while I’m armed with that fucking sander, or he’s a dead man.

      • PWG said

        First off, I’m eating something called a “Salted Nut Roll – good source of protein” and TWSS-ing myself like a mofo.

        Secondly, oh my God, you don’t even know. I did actually look at IKEA, but 50 years ago when I started this project there wasn’t one in Colorado and the cost of shipping was approximately twice the cost of the bed. The other thing is, I’m raising abnormally gigantic children. Those little twin sized beds are not going to contain them. It’s all “twin over twin” or “twin over full” beds. Even prison or military base connections are only going to get you those narrow little “this is how we discourage gay sex” beds.

        I have, like, every bunkbed store on the Internet bookmarked.

        Start looking for full over full and you’re talking a grand with shipping. And not incidentally, I already had a garage full of woodworking equipment. So it seemed like a good idea at the time to buy a $40 set of plans and hardware and $100 worth of lumber and hop right to it.

        Thirdly, if anyone at this point Googles and finds an inexpensive full over full bunkbed made of 2×6’s and 4×4’s so sturdy that even my children can’t destroy it, and it has free shipping or some shit, just . . . don’t tell me. For the love of God, don’t tell me.

      • PWG said

        Close italics fail.


        I’m going to try stopping them with a close here. Let’s see how that works.

        This is why I’m glad I’m not handy. Like in the crafty sense. I’m handy in the other sense. Get it? I TOUCH PRIVATES, HEYOOOOO!

        I’m sorry, I’m tired. Anyway, yeah. Good luck.

  2. Glad to hear you’re back to touching men inappropriately. You silly boys…

    That bit about Maria pooping an invisible horse made me laugh a whole lot because I’m like a 5 year old inside my brain.

    Anyway, yes, I think you’ve successfully proved that girls don’t look sexy when they play sports. Certainly nowhere near as sexy as boys look when they play minigolf, at least.

  3. PWG said

    I for one embrace our new italic overlord. , damn you.

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