Part 2 – The Month Of Julius Caesar Has Arrived and It Bears Movies

July 1, 2011

Today is July 1st! Which means tomorrow is July 4th! Or it’s the 2nd and then 3rd and then 4th, but who is keeping track? The French probably. Anyway, the only day that matter is the one we’re in and July 4th and soon enough one will be the same and that will be we’ll be drunk and this will make a lot more sense.

I’ve already covered the first half of the July movies yesterday and in those movies were the movies that came out today/this week. If I had to make a July 4th suggestion, I would say watch DIE HARD and I make the suggestion for about every weekend. But if I were to make a suggestion about a movie that pertains to this weekend that is in the theaters then I would say your best bet is to get drunk and see Transformers 3 – I mean why the fuck not? What’s this holiday of ours about anyway? Explosions, explosions that simulate the explosions from 200 years past that murder death killed the British and won us our Freedom from taxed tea. Fuck I love tea. I can’t believe this country was built on tea and the remodeled with cheesesteaks. I love it.

I would say the next best option is Larry Crowne. I bet it’s funny. And I bet at the end of it you feel all warm and fuzzy like you too could go back to college and bed your teacher. That’s the American dream right there. Sleeping with your teachers. Putting the wood to your teachers. Am I right? Take that authority… it’s my dong. Or lady parts or whatever women yell in their head when they have sex.

With that being said, God Bless the USA and the rest of this post when I talk about a few movies you may see in July.

Winnie the Pooh

If you own a kid – you MUST see this movie. I don’t care if it’s your kid, some kid you adopted, some kid you stole, or some kid you’ve been given control over for the next few hours, but go see this movie. Why? What the fuck is wrong with you asking that question?! It’s Winnie the Pooh! He’s the symbol of this great country. A stoned bear breaking into people’s houses to eat all their honey. He’s single minded and is half naked – nevertheless everyone loves him because he talks like an old man and he may have a mild mental disability. He’s good ole’ country American.

I’m probably not going to see this movie because I haven’t been burdened with a little person (child, not dwarf) and I’m too old to be watching Winnie the Pooh. I’m a cynical man who needs plot twists and fight choreographers and award winning sound editor in the movies I see. But for those that can see this movie – go see. How bad could it possibly be? How far are they going to venture from the original plot? It’s a bunch of drugged up animals who get into mischief. It’s a can’t miss!

Captain America: The First Avenger

I will see this. I have a lot of thoughts on this movie, but I think I have expressed them several times on this site already.

Either way, generally speaking, my thoughts are this movie looks “good” and could be “horrendous”. It doesn’t look that bad. The trailers look good for it, especially the newer ones. I’m worried about this movie mostly because of the director Joe Johnston. He’s directed Honey I Shrunk the Kids, The Rocketeer, Jumanji, October Sky, Jurassic Park III, Hidalgo, and The Wolfman. It’s an odd list of movies to begin with and I’m not in love with any of them. Most are “family friendly” movies, which I’m generally not too much of a fan of. I don’t want to see a movie that is catering towards both a 6 year old girl and a 60 year old man. The biggest scare with Johnston, his most recent movie was The Wolfman and that movie was horrible. HORRIBLE. So it the “what have you done for me lately” category it’s only bad news from Johnston. Hidalgo’s a good movie, but that was 7 years ago. Anyway, that worries me.

Trailers are very deceiving. But I’m definitely giving this movie the benefit of the doubt. I also hated Johnston’s interviews leading into the making of this movie, but at the same time I’m disliked what several directors have said about their own movies and have still liked those movies. We’ll have to see. I think this movie will be better than Thor and Green Lantern. First, it can’t be worse. But for a long time before Thor came out, I heard it was bad. I heard it was bad near the end of last year when I guess people were reviewing the script or were seeing really early cuts of it, but they said it was bad. As for Green Lantern – that movie looks flat out terrible. This movie actually LOOKS good. It looks like it has the right feel and the right visual representation of the material. We’ll see though.

Lastly, I like Chris Evans. I like the choice of Chris Evans as Captain America. If I was picking a young Captain America – I would pick him as well. I’m hoping the movie is straight forward and doesn’t try to over complicate itself. In the trailer they pretty much give us the first/second act of the movie. Skinny short kid wants to be in the military, but no one wants him. He gets put into a special military program where they basically inject you with crazy steroids. Then he becomes beefcake makes the chicks wet in their pants Chris Evans. As Chris Evans he is the buff Captain America with the shield and the suit and the gun. And then there is a group of guys in black and their leader is a guy dressed in black with a red skull face.

Have Captain America fight that guy to the death and I’ll be fucking grade A happy.

Friends with Benefits

Didn’t we all not see this movie earlier this year when it was No Strings Attached? Somehow Natalie Portman morphed into Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher morphed into Justin Timberlake. Same movie and it actually looks worse the second time around. I’m not seeing this movie. Pretending like Mila Kunis has a hard time finding penis is absolutely the worst written script ever. EVER. As for Justin Timberlake, saying he has a hard time finding ladies to spread their legs for him – is also a badly written script. I don’t find it funny. I find it insulting to people … people who are not crazy attractive to have a difficult time trying to bed others, so I find it insulting.

Secondly, I don’t find Justin Timberlake all that attractive. I’ll say that right here… RIGHT NOW. I don’t find JT that attractive. I get why girls like him. He’s a little boy. Girls have a thing for these boyish guys and we pretend it’s not a diet soft drink form of pedophilia in the same way guys who are fawning over chicks who could pass for 15 isn’t also kind of creepy. Regardless, I get that JT – especially in this movie – got ripped. There’s a scene in the trailer when he takes his shirt off and he’s pretty musclely. So I get the attraction to a guy in great shape. But as far as JT with his clothes on and you’re just looking at his face – more often than not I don’t find him attractive. He looks a little mousey and his hair is like a Jew fro. As far as I know, neither are high up on chicks I want to bang lists. Nevertheless, I get that he’s famous and sings like a chick and can dance, so there’s the attraction to all those things. So I guess I’m more focusing this on his other movie that is out right now Bad Teacher. If a new teacher came to school and was about 5’5″ or whatever JT is and has JT’s face – I wouldn’t think a female teacher would get a lady boner for him.

I could be wrong…

Life in a Day

I don’t know what this movie is about, but I’m guessing it beautiful and somewhat moving.

It’s a documentary and it looks sentimental and pretty, so go see it I guess.

Moving on!

Cowboys & Aliens

Not sure what to think of this movie.

At first, I thought it looked terrible. I hated the first trailer for this movie. The subsequent trailers have looked better. I love the story/comic book. I love the idea of blending two genres “cowboys” and “aliens” and putting them together and making no bones about it. What’s the movie Cowboys & Aliens about? It’s about COWBOYS and ALIENS you dipshit. I do like the director Jon Favreau as a human man and as a director. I’m not a fan of his Iron Man movies, but they’re not BAD movies like how Thor was. I just don’t particularly care for Robert Downey Jr. in that capacity. I don’t like Gwen Paltrow. I thought those movies had no clear direction and the second one had too many characters and too little point. Nevertheless, the movies LOOK good and I can see why people enjoy them. I didn’t hate watching either the first or the second Iron Man movies, but I would be happy if I never have to sit through them again.

More than anything, I really just don’t like the look of that one scene in the trailers of Cowboys & Aliens. The scene at night when they first see the aliens and Daniel Craig first uses that blaster on his arm. It looks bad to me. It looks like it is on a sound stage and it looks as cheap as an old Ed Wood movie. The other scenes when they’re out in the plains and their riding horses with the aliens flying by, that looks good.

I’m definitely seeing the movie, but I am skeptical. We’ll have to see. Also, I have this feeling Daniel Craig is really short. I don’t know if that is true or not, but the more I see him the more I think he is a wee little man playing a big man. I’m used to Tom Cruise doing that and I’ve accepted that, but Craig is making me creeped out a bit. Also his face looks like it is being sucked inward up into his nose from behind. It’s a rare disorder that I believe he has. And Harrison Ford was at one time a great actor, but him not caring seems to ooze through his face in these movies he does. Whenever I see him, it’s like I’m seeing through the movie and straight into the reality – they’re just playing dress up. As for Olivia Wilde, I hope this is better than Tron. It can’t be worse, but I hope it’s a lot a lot a lot better. Oh man did Tron suck.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

I don’t know what to think of this movie. I like everyone in it, but it doesn’t feel right.

I think I’ve said this before, but Steve Carell’s movie career is based around us buying into the idea he has not had sex in awhile and over the next 2 hours we would like to see him have sex. 40 year old virgin, Dan in Real Life, Get Smart, Date Night and now this. He’s a likable guy who we are cool with another character saying is more attractive than he gets himself credit for and with the help of these side characters we’re going to go on an adventure to Steve Carell’s dick wet. Who is with me?! I get that storyline because I’ve seen it enough and I believe that is the storyline featuring Julianne Moore being Steve’s ex-wife, Marisa Tomei being the chick we’re rooting for him to sleep with and Ryan Gosling is the guy who is going to teach Steve how to have confidence.

The rest of the story? I’m not sure what it is. Is Ryan Gosling trying and failing to have sex with Emma Stone or is Emma Stone resisting having sex Ryan Gosling because she’s on some 12 step program to become a nun? I’m not sure. But whatever that storyline is…it’s stupid. I imagine that is the “stupid” storyline of Crazy, Stupid, Love. I’m not sure who Kevin Bacon is in the movie, but I always accept Bacon – whether the meat or the Kevin – with open arms.

The movie looks ok. It doesn’t look great. It looks like we’re on pretty well worn ground. But I’ll probably see it in my life time.

I will say that the title of the movie is absolutely terrible. Crazy, Stupid, Love. What’s Crazy, Stupid, Love. about? Who knows? It’s just three words thrown together with no context. As mentioned before, Cowboys & Aliens is a great title for a movie because you know what you’re getting. Crazy, Stupid, Love. could be about anything. It’s got nothing to solidify that that movie is the movie with ______ and ______. It’s just words. Random words.

The Smurfs

Don’t see this movie.

I don’t care if you have kids or not. Just don’t see it.

Don’t give this your money.

So those are the movies of the second half of July… they’re may be no black people in the second half of July in theaters. There’s barely any ethnicity at all. They’re white people. If the most ethnically diverse person you have in a group of people is Mila Kunis then you are not in a diverse group of people. You’re in a group of white people. The whitest ass people ever. There are Smurfs and talking animals in the second half of July, but no black people. Incredibly. No Asians or Hispanics either.

And with that…

God bless this land of ours.

God bless the people in it who make it worth protecting.

God bless the people who are out there protecting it.


God bless the drinks we will drink and let’s hope we get drunk enough to get sentimental about it and the even drunker to forget about it.

Have a great weekend and holiday.


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