July 5, 2011

Before I get into how everything on this planet and on other planets wants you dead…

I hope you had a great weekend!

Yay! Weekends! Weekends R Fun!

It was July Fourth weekend for many of us. And by us, I mean the “Good” guys. As many of you know, July 4th is when America celebrates its INDEPENDENCE. Generally speaking, my country celebrates its independence all the time by invading other countries or making grand decisions that greatly affect other countries and continents. See, America is pretty independent. We’re probably the most independent country because we do things that other countries cannot do and we also do things that we shouldn’t be allowed to do, but who is going to say otherwise because we’re America. We kind of live above the curve.

I think everyone should celebrate July 4th because of this. July 4th has nothing to do with the actual Constitution of the United States – as I would imagine several of you found out from the Yahoo article that was on the front page most of the day yesterday. The 4th is a time to celebrate this idea of independence, which I think people can get behind. Sure it’s the US’ independence, but I’m down to celebrate whatever country you’re in’s independence day. As Americans and as the independents we are, we celebrate Cinco de Mayo for Mexico’s independence. Even though to Mexicans that day doesn’t mean their independence, but fuck it it does to the 300+ million to the north of them, so now Cinco de Mayo is their independence day. I’m more than willing to start celebrating other independence days like Bastille Day and other independence that I don’t know of. Do the German’s celebrate the Wall coming down? Do the Indians celebrate the end of the salt tax or something?

Anyway, we should celebrate independence at all costs because it is only a matter of time until some outside force tries to take over our planet and turn us all into slaves and/or food.

I’m talking of course about…




See?! Yesterday, you only thought about how the British at one time wanted to be overlords and now today you are piss scared of B/C celebrities trying to take your children. It’s a crazy world we live in. There’s no shame in paranoia because you may not be correct that the government is listening into your phone calls, it is actually Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey (pronounced Latch-ee) figuring out when you are at your weakest so they can snatch up your offspring loved ones.

That’s the whole point of an Independence day anyway… you defeated some oppressor! You defeated the great conspiracy to keep you down. For some it was the British… actually let’s rephrase that… for MOST it was the British. For others it could be a dictator or others it could have been the British again and into the future it will probably be the United States or as many movies suggest ALIENS.

Besides Independence Day aliens, I watched a different set of aliens try to take over the world for the THIRD time.


As many would expect, this movie is full of explosions and big robots and Shia LaBeouf screaming two things a lot:

1. OPTIMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. BUMBLE BEE!!!!!!!!!!

They’re always in trouble and Shia is always yelling for them.

I do “enjoy” these movies. I enjoy them because they do have big ass robots fighting to the death and they explode and it’s all big and beautiful and colorful and so forth. But they are also about the DUMBEST movies ever made. The funny thing about these movies is that they’re based on children’s action figures that got a TV show then a movie and following that comic books and novels. Yeah, Transformers novels! At no point during any of this did anyone think to themselves that maybe the basis of a movie, TV show, comic books and novels should never have an origin story that some guy in the toy division at Hasbro was like “what if the toy truck turned into a robot with a gun?” and then we just snowballed it from there.

As terrible as these movies are, they’re not far from how stupid the rest of the comic books, TV shows, other movies, and novels are. It’s just that no one cares that those things didn’t make sense either. Meanwhile, Michael Bay is about the last person who is going to make sense out of senseless things. If anything he will make it more senseless and HE DOES.

None of the Transformers movies make a lick of sense and as the movies have continued they become increasingly complicated. SO COMPLICATED. It is actually really difficult to explain all the nuances in the plot of this movie or the last one. You would think the plot would just be – Bad robots fight good robots because one is bad and the other is good, but NO! We need more than that and we get a billion other storylines mixed together and a whole host of worthless characters that are beyond goofy. But in the end, we’re only there to Optimus Prime blow something up and hero shots of Josh Duhamel.

But let me mention a few plot points in this most recent Transformers that make no sense:

– The title. “Dark of the Moon”. I imagine there is some copyrights issue here and they couldn’t used “Dark SIDE of the Moon” because of Pink Floyd. That’s my guess. Reason being – “Dark of the Moon” is an incomplete thought or maybe that’s a metaphor for the rest of the movie because it is a series of incomplete thoughts. The first hour of the movie they must use the phrase “Dark SIDE of the Moon” on average of once a second. They say it so often. Yeah, we get it! It’s on the Moon! On the dark parts! Great. Who the fuck cares?

– Since the first movie came out, the humans in these movies have not developed any technology to combat the Decepticons any better than they had in the first. Generally speaking, the humans in the movie are cannon fodder/distractions for the Decepticons to go after while they wait for Autobots to get finished fighting other Decepticons to kill these Decepticons. They have “improved” their tactics at fighting them, but they’re still just using assault rifles and do little to no damage on the big robots. There is one scene in the movie where the humans kill a Decepticon and it takes like 80 humans to kill the thing and in the process it requires humans to even jump out of windows and use themselves as bait and then luckily tangle up the robot in their parachute. Also, it requires us to believe that snipers can shoot out robots eyes from a very safe distance, which may have been the biggest leap of faith in the movie….

… – that is outside of the actual leaps of faith done by the United States’ military Sugar glider unit.

I get that Michael Bay had this in the movie because it looks COOL, but as far as from the characters’ stand point – I have little to no idea how any of them expected to survive this. The military said they couldn’t send troops in (although later they implanted a Navy SEAL team in the city without nearly the risk nor even mentioned that it was happening… they just appear in the Chicago river), so they send helicopters full of Sugar Gliders and while the helicopters are being easily blown up by Star Scream these guys just jump to their inevitable death. Following the jump they tool around the city being picked off by Decepticons and I imagine in the end of the original 30 or so that 2 survive. What a great risk to take? Plus once they guys do survive, who cares? Humans are wildly ineffective at defeating Decepticons in these movies, so even if they survive the jump and death spiral they’re probably going to die as soon as they hit the ground and accomplish nothing.

But it did look cool.

– Just as in X-Men: First Class, I don’t understand what the bad guy wants. In X-Men, Sebastian Shaw wants to set the world on fire and then live in the ruins? Why? Why does HE want that? He enjoys scotch and hot ladies in bikinis and a billion dollar submarine. Why would he want to blow up all of the world and not have any of that cool swanky stuff anymore? And once he does that, what’s the point? Just that he could do it? Who knows?

The Decepticons are home sick and they want their planet back. Instead of figuring out a way to go home because they are going to bring the planet to Earth. Why? Who knows?! They say they want to rebuild Earth as their home planet and they’re going to do so by using this teleporter device. Ok. So… why do you literally have to teleport the whole planet to Earth? Are you expecting the two planets will merge as one or do you think that if you get the one planet to sit right on top of the other that the old robot planet will just drop all of its stuff onto Earth from gravity. Leave the old planet where it was and then teleport the stuff you need with the teleporters! That seems to be the general idea, I don’t understand why you need to move the whole planet.

Secondly, they keep saying that on the old planet they were Gods and now on this new planet they’re slaves. Well, ok. What does that have to do with the stuff on the old planet? Can’t you just subject us to your will and chill out on this planet? I don’t really get the need of the old planet at all. It’s a war torn planet and you recognize that just as much as we do.

Thirdly, the Decepticons want to use the human race as slave labor. Slave labor for what? What are we building? More Decepticons? Why? It doesn’t make any sense. They’re robots. Metal. I get that we’re saying they have feelings of ambition and so forth, but what is their end game? As humans are end game is to be rich and powerful and have glorious food and naked ladies and stuff like that. Why would a tribal leader take over another tribe? To take their money, women, food, and land. We as humans take pleasure in those things. But what does a robot care about that? Are we building Decepticon hookers for the Decepticons to whore around with? I don’t get what their end game is.

– How does Shia LaBeouf score this?

In the movie, they show how they meet. But they don’t show how Shia minutes later convinces her to do the no pants dance with him. That is the big mystery. Ok, so he meets her. I’ve met a lot of people and so has Shia, but where does it go from meeting said person to them using your boner as a toothbrush? That’s the question that needs to be answered in this movie more so than the damn robots and their motives for the destruction or reconstruction or whatever for this planet.

In the other two movies Shia was hitting this…

Now, that didn’t make any sense either. But it made a little more “sense”. They went to high school together and they both got wrapped up in this robot apocalypse thing and he ended up saving her plus she was tired of having sex with high school jocks and so on and so forth. It didn’t make much sense that she continued to date him once she got to know Shia’s character as this dweeb, abusive, paranoid, emotional nutcase, but maybe she’s bad at dumping people or has some weird loyalty issues. As we know, Fox wasn’t in this movie and Rosie took over for her, but what there needed to be at some point in the movie is Josh Duhamel or Tyrese Gibson saying “What the fuck am I doing wrong that I can’t get a girl who looks like this, but weird ass Shia has bagged two of them?!”

If I was in the middle of a fire fight between 60 foot alien robots and it was just revealed to me we need to save one of those two hot chicks not just because they’re hot, but because they’re the girlfriend of Shia… I would be like “WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you kidding me?! Are you KIDDING ME?! EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN THAT NOW! I don’t even care about this robot bullshit… I want to know how right now? HOW?!”

– Why does Shockwave listen to ANYONE?!

First off, this is Shockwave. He’s a big ass robot with an ever bigger ass gun. Not an ass-gun. I mean the gun is big ass.

Besides being a strong robot with this big gun to begin with, but Shockwave also appears to control the robot equivalent of a tentacled sandworm. It’s the enormous robot that is hundreds upon hundreds of feet long that appears to have no limit to its destructive power and its name is Digger I believe. Why is Shockwave listening to Megatron or Sentinel? Shockwave should be his own boss as far as I can tell. They need Shockwave a lot more than he needs them. He is his own army. Maybe he isn’t much of a plans guy, but either way, Shockwave should think about creating his own independent party instead of being an Autobot or Decepticon. Or at the very least way his options, maybe the Autobots could pay him better or offer him more robot hookers than the Decepticons. Just saying… weight your options Shockwave.

– Lastly, there are a million other things I don’t understand in this movie… but I will just stick with why do some of these robots have accents. There is a robot with the thickest Scottish accent. It may make sense if that robot lived in Scotland, but it doesn’t. So was there the equivalent of the Scottish on that alien robot planet that oddly syncs up with the way our Scots sound?


There are explosions and it was decently entertaining.

I hope they stop making these movies though.

Stop helping Shia LaBeouf do anything in life.

Thank you.



3 Responses to “Don’t Be Scared… but EVERYTHING IS OUT TO GET US!”

  1. Lachey is pronounced Latch-ee?! I’ve been saying it Lay-shee. MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE.

    Also, I would totally watch a movie if it involved slave humans building whorebots for the Decepticons to fuck. Kind of sounds like weird Japanese anime porn that maybe probably definitely already exists, but I would totally support that. 3D only, of course. Now I’m thinking of robot boners coming at me from the screen. Someone please make this happen.

    You’re funny.

  2. cledbo said

    We don’t have an Independence Day, because we are still under the heavy yoke of British rule (Rule Britannia!). I don’t really care because we’ve got Australia Day, and you don’t have America Day so 😛 on you. If we became a Republic, they’d have to change like a million things in our public service and army, both of which I’m part of and not wanting to be stuffed around in, frankly.

    These movies are completely dumb, as you say, though I am suprised they even bothered to back-story blondie – I thought the big slap in the face for Meg was going to be having her replaced with someone who looked nothing like her, and going on like nothing happened. Take that, mediocre actress who is too big for her diva-britches!

  3. Sara said

    I had the exact same thoughts on the name “Dark of the Moon”. I was just at a Pink Floyd tribute concert this past weekend and when they played “Dark Side of the Moon” I pointed out how the new Transformers movie clearly did not get rights to use that phrase and rather than, oh, I don’t know, put their resources for a multi-million dollar movie to use, they just decided to omit a word. There. That fixed it. All better now.

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