Let’s Cut To The Chase: I Am Afraid Of Two Bellybuttons

July 7, 2011


No need to hide. Actually, no sense in hiding it.

I can be brave about a hundred other things, but these two bellybuttons frighten me.

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m not afraid of snakes (I’m afraid of the ones in the toilets, of course, but that’s reasonable). I’m not afraid of bears or bees or any of that nonsense. I’m not afraid of the government. I’m not afraid of aliens or zombies or the apocalypse. I’m not afraid of dogs or cats or giraffes. I’m not afraid of Hispanics or Asians. I’m afraid of some black and white people though. They can be equally terrifying. But anyway…

I’m not afraid of many things except for the idea of being raped in prison or something like that. A sensible fear.

But I am afraid of this…

That right there is what one can assume is a bellybutton.

One can also assume it could be the tip of a pommel to a demon sword that Kelly Ripa keeps within side herself and only calls forth when preparing to slay the first born sons of any she sees fit.

It could also be the beginning of a horn.

A horn that will grow the length of seven kingdoms and we will bow before its awesomeness and it will fill with the rains of the gods from the clouds of the heavens and she lay with a giant and he will give her his seed and when she has taken with child the child will drink from the horn and when the horn is empty the babe will be birthed betwixt Rippa’s sinewy thigh and will reign indefinitely over man and titan alike until the prophetical anti-Rippa is summoned from the great depths beyond and we will see RAGNAROK!

Besides the bellybutton…

Actually try and forget the bellybutton for a moment…

Close your eyes…


I can still see it bright as a new born sun! Ahhhh it is seared into my retinas! WHY?! RIPPA?! WHY?!

Ok… for a moment scroll down the page or adjust the page so that Rippa’s bellybutton of Athena is out of view…

Now then, Kelly Rippa is Rippa-ed to shit. Am I right? She is SHREDDED! What the hell, lady? You host a morning talk show? Kelly Rippa could take Sarah Connor in a bare knuckle street fight. What the hell is going on behind the scenes at that talk show? Is Regis and Kelly holding a fight club? Jiu-Jitsu death matches and Muay Thai with your hands taped and dipped in tar and then glass? Is that what they’re up to? I could break a kendo stick over her abs. I bet she could crack walnuts with her abs. Is Gelman this ripped? Remember Gelman? Fuck, I’ll always remember that dude. Until the day I die I will remember the name of Gelman. Why?

I have no idea what Rippa is so ripped. Why isn’t she in muscle magazines?

Good God!

Fuck Sarah Connor, Rippa could punch a hole through the Terminator. With her fist most likely, but with that adamantium lance she calls a bellybutton definitely.


She’s this pretty little thing, but she is taught like Bruce Lee and has the mark of the beast as her navel.

It’s just zaniness.

Many of us already knew this about Rippa.

But recently another has emerged with a similar frightening 6 appendage.



Is this what Scientology does to its women? Please don’t say this has happened to Kelly Preston too!!!

It’s like Katie Holmes has her own arms, neck, head and legs, but that middle section with all the stuff in it and on it has been traded out. What is going on in this picture?

Are Kelly Rippa and Katie Holmes apart of some Wiccan cult? Is this beginning of some witch movement and their mark is their distended bellybutton like the toe of an albino orc or the hard plastic penis of a strangely anatomically correct Cabbage Patch Doll?

And don’t blame the kids.

I know a lot of people might think its because these ladies had kids, but a lot of ladies have kids and they do not carry around a bellybutton that could confuse a cop during a pat down to see if you’re packing any concealed weapons.

Either way, I’m frightened.

I fear this is the first of many.

I fear this is a plague or an epidemic.

I fear that this is a chosen mark from black magic they have been performing.

I fear there will be others!

Others that will not be buttahfaces, but buttahbellybuttons.

Anyway… you’ve been warned.

Either it is an odd birth defect… or they hold the abilities to undo reality and bring forth our demise through raising blasphemous titans to crush all that we know and all that we will ever know.

One or the other…

Only one can stop them though…

And she might have the time to stop them because she’s too fucking busy riding horses.

Fucking horses.

They’ll be the ruin of us all.



2 Responses to “Let’s Cut To The Chase: I Am Afraid Of Two Bellybuttons”

  1. Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk that. What fresh hell is this bellybutton business? This is exactly what that whole “what has been seen cannot be unseen” thing is all about, isn’t it? Ugh. It’s making me so uncomfortable.

  2. Nix said

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You are so weird. But having said that, so are those belly… um… horns? rods? Bellyrods. Yes, thats it. Jeebus those Salem witch-hunters woulda had a field day with THOSE right there!

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