Kristen Stewart starring in The Sisterhood of the Tightest Pants EVER!

July 13, 2011

The title of this post does not lie…

You’ve been warned.

YOWZAHS!

It could just be the angle, right? Like maybe somehow from a dead straight shot of Kristen Stewart her pants look so tight that you can see her blood pump through her femoral artery. It could be just the angle. Or maybe it’s just the wind, right? Maybe wind makes pants so tight that the only way Kristen Stewart got into those pants was that she was born with them already on her legs. Maybe, right?

Oh man!

Kristen Stewart’s pants are so tight that I’ve lost all depth perception. I’m staring at Kristen Stewart’s crotch and legs area (for research) and the longer I stare the less it looks like the front of her or the back of her or if one leg is forward or if it is the other leg. It’s like those pants are so tight they’ve turned into one of those online brain teasers where you watch the ballerina spin one way, but then you see her spinning the other way and that tells whether you’re a right or a left brain person and then you find yourself staring at that picture for hours mastering the intricacy of making the ballerina twirl clockwise and then counter-clockwise and once you’ve done it … you quietly announce to yourself “I am Professor X”.

Holy moly these pants are THAT tight!

Are these pictures of Kristen Stewart in her daily life or is this from a movie?

If they’re from her daily life then I love her. A Phillies t-shirt? I don’t even like the Phillies, but I like the sentiment. Also, in these pictures she looks like she has boobs, which we all know is thanks to some miraculous bra under that wonderful Phillies t-shirt. Add at to it that black is a slimming color, so I’m surprised we can even see Kristen Stewart in these pictures at all. If she gets any slimmer she shall be an ethereal wind spirit who can pass through walls and hover in the clouds.

Is this a movie?

If it is let me guess that it is from Book of Eli 2 and Mila Kunis has stumbled into a hipster city in which Kristen Stewart is the Mayor’s daughter. I imagine the Mayor is going to be played by David Bowie. So David Bowie and his people are hipsters, so no doubt they are atheists and only watch DVDs of The Daily Show and listen to some NPR podcasts to shape their post-apocalyptic culture. Mila Kunis on the other hand is still walking the wastelands preaching the King James Bible like Denzel Washington taught her in the first movie. Of course, this leads Mila and Bowie to have a difference of opinions, but the hipsters are such wussy pacifists that they can barely protect their own city and it just so happens a new outlaw raider gang has formed and has plans on sacking the hipster city. Mila is convinced she can stay in safety if she can teach their men how to fight and help lead them to war with this gang. In the mean time, Kristen Stewart plays Mila’s liaison in the city. As Kristen Stewart is very interested in this brown eyed beauty of an outsider who follows this all knowing and invisible God, Mila begins to teach Kristen Stewart the Bible as well as show Kristen Stewart the face of God when the two of them make sweet sweaty sultry sticky FULL ON LESBO sex.

Honestly, wouldn’t you go see Book of Eli 2 in a FUCKING HEART BEAT?!

How is that not a great movie?

I’ll also guarantee in this fictional movie many action scenes reminiscent of The Road Warrior and there will be a lot of 80′s dance music in it.

Just saying! It’s really a waste that I don’t have a job in Hollywood. Right?

Yeah, Kristen Stewart wants IT.

If you were walking down that street, the same street, the same street Kristen Stewart was on and she walking around looking like that and walking in those jeans and that shirt … you’d say to yourself “that chick wants IT.” And you’d be right. And you’d be talking about Kristen Stewart. The funny thing is if you weren’t walking down that street and you were walking down any street and you could be walking down a street right now and Kristen Stewart is not on that street and you said to yourself … “that chick wants IT” and in that four word phrase you meant “that chick” as “Kristen Stewart” then you would be abso-fucking-lutely correct.

Kristen Stewart does want IT.

Kristen Stewart wants IT and she’s running for IT.

Kristen Stewart wants to get to IT faster than just walking to IT.

Kristen Stewart needs to pick up her speed to get to IT because of the wanting of IT.

This picture is simply great. It’s only a hint of skin, but it’s more than that. It’s like watching tennis when they swing their rackets and their shirt comes up or their thighs get shown more and you start thinking to yourself “yeah, tennis is some sexy ass shit”. Am I the only one who does that? It’s like you’re watching an incredibly physical and incredibly elaborate strip tease, but they never really strip. But it’s a lot of my thigh here, oh is that my nipple there, here’s my butt and so forth and then you realize you’re not at a strip club – you’re at a bikini bar and you haven’t seen any real nudity, but your mind has been filling in those blanks.

So basically, Kristen Stewart is naked in this picture to me.

Yeah… even her slightly bunny teeth know IT. She wants IT.

Get IT, Kristen Stewart! GET IT!

GET IT!

RUN TO IT! FASTER! FASTER! GET IT!

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

WHAT IS SHE GETTING?!

I DON’T KNOW, BUT I WANT HER TO GET IT!

GO PHILLIES!

GO RY-HO!

GO FLYING HAWAIIAN!

RUN! GET IT!

I WANT HER TO GET IT!

..

.

Oh…

Kristen Stewart was getting her passport? Is that what that is?

Hunh…

That was the sexiest passport getting I’ve ever been apart of.

I’m ready for a nap.

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5 Responses to “Kristen Stewart starring in The Sisterhood of the Tightest Pants EVER!”

  1. PWG said

    I note a sad lack of Olivia Newton-John pictures for comparative purposes. Everyone knows THOSE were some tight pants. Also some 80′s-tastic pink legwarmers and tights and headband, but keep scrolling to the bottom.

  2. PWG said

    Good thing she’s not a fan of the Long Beach Armada of Los Angeles of California of the United States of North America Including Barrow, Alaska. (The writer of that article’s headline needs to get laid: “Pro ballclub goes deep with very long name”) I don’t think Christina Hendricks could even pull that off, no matter how small the font.

  3. There’s no way Kristen Stewart gives a shit about baseball, much less the Phillies. You may love her and the sentiment, but to me it’s akin to wearing stupid Yankees gear just for the Yankees symbol. Get back to wearing the things you care about, Kristen – that weed bikini top you have in the back of your closet somewhere would look good with your body paint pants.

  4. cledbo said

    I love it. Why did she jog? Was she trying to escape the paps? It didn’t work, it just makes them salivate move.

    Word to the wise, Kstew:
    Those pants will give you thrush, and no one wants that. No one.

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