Just Because I Don’t Understand You; Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Love You – ESPYS!

July 14, 2011

Last night on cable TV was the ESPYS!

YEAH! The ESPYS! I’ve waited all year for you! You know since the last one! The last one last year when you had that other ESPYS! YEAH! In all honesty, I wasn’t exactly waiting on you everyday. I mean I was waiting to see you again whenever you came on, so in that sense I was waiting for you. I didn’t even know you were on until earlier in the day yesterday like 2 hours before you actually came on air, so I was really waiting for you then. From like 7pm to 9pm, I was crazy waiting to see you. Yeah!

Well, to be totally honest, I kind of forgot about you again at like 8pm when I was flipping through the movie channels and saw Get Shorty was on. I turned that on. After twenty minutes or so of well written comedic gangster hijinx, I forgot you were on TV again. I watched all of Get Shorty and when it was over I turned the TV off… BUT only for a minute! Then I remember the ESPYS were on, you were on and I watched them! I watched every last second of you! Except for the parts that happened after 11:18 when I turned you off because I got bored. So… YEAH! ESPYS!

Personally, I get why there are ESPYS. We have awards shows all the time, so why not one for athletes. The amount of revenue they bring in and how much attention people pay them. Why not have an awards show for them? Generally speaking though, athletes don’t need awards shows because if they’re any good at what they’re playing then they’ve won the award that matters already. That’s what sports is about – competing to see who the best is. They’ve done that already and now some TV channel is going to give them an almost trivial award for doing that as well. Like there is a category called “Best Team of the Year” – well the nominees of “best team” most likely won the highest prize their sport has to offer. One year the New York Giants won it…. after they won the SUPER BOWL. I doubt anyone of them mistakes the time they won the Super Bowl and the time they won an ESPY.

But on the other hand… there is this…

Lindsey Vonn! America’s Queen of the Snow. She looks great. In a world of country music awards happening about every Tuesday, why not allow athletes to have their own celebrity moment in the Sun where they get to dress up and take to the red carpet and look good and laugh at sports jokes.

So who gives a fuck?! Why be cynical about it?

Awards shows are more about the Red Carpet nowadays than the actual awards and athletes can clean up just as well if not better than those dorky actors and singers.

So what I’m saying is:

ESPYS RED CARPET…

BREAKDOWN!!!!!!

HELLZ YEAH!

Brian Wilson. Crazy ass Brian Wilson. There are almost too many things to point out about this outfit. I guess let’s go toes to top. He’s wearing high top sneakers that look to be from the 80’s. He is also wearing, if you hadn’t noticed, a spandex tuxedo. If it weren’t for the ESPYS and for BRIAN WILSON at the ESPYS then I wouldn’t have known spandex tuxedos existed! That would be a life not worth living. Brian is also wearing shimmering silver gloves like out of Michael Jackson’s Thriller and he has a cane with him. As far as his head, that is actually how Brian Wilson normally looks.

I may not love baseball, but I love Brian Wilson. It’s kind of hard not to. I highly suggest checking out his interviews especially ones that feature his sadomasochist roommate named “Machine” who walks around in a leather thong and gimp mask. Oh Brian. You have two things that many on this Earth do not have… 1. a sense of humor and 2. a personality.

If you’re wondering – Brian Wilson is the relief pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. Who would’ve guessed that?! He also referred to himself as a time-traveling cyborg during the ESPYS.

Brooklyn Decker. Isn’t this award show for athletes? Is Brooklyn Decker an athlete? Well, she ought to be an athlete with how good she is at playing games with my heart… AM I RIGHT?! I thought that was a pretty good one. Brooklyn Decker is at the ESPYS for two reasons:

1. Who in their right mind would stop Brooklyn Decker from doing anything?! Are you kidding me? What on Earth could you possibly be doing and then Brooklyn Decker shows up (in a skimpy red dress with her hair did and everything) and wants to be apart of it and you refuse her? WHAT?! I feel like it is safe to say whatever activity to your doing if you add Brooklyn Decker to it it only makes it a million times more amazing! Awards show? Meh. Awards show with Brooklyn Decker? Yeah! Taking a nap? Meh. Taking a nap with Brooklyn Decker? Hell yeah! Going to Panera? Meh. Going to Panera with Brooklyn Decker? Yep Yep Yep! Robbing a bank? Meh. Robbing a bank with Brooklyn Decker? Fuck yes!

2. She is married to Andy Roddick no matter how much I try to forget that.

But again, if you are out there refusing to hang out with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model then you might want to reconsider life.

BIEBER! (Like Shatner yelling KHAN!) This is actually more surprising because Justin Bieber is not married to an athlete nor is he a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model that I know of. He is CRAZY famous though. There was a time that I had hope that this Justin Bieber thing would go away and I have given up on that hope. It’s like hormones in your food and pharmaceuticals in your drinking water and acid in your rain. It’s always there – you just try to limit your exposure to it as much as you can.

PLUH-DOW!

Does anyone want to switch sides on the Venus and Serena Williams debate? That debate which won do you want to have sex with the most. I can’t tell which one is the better tennis player because they seem to even out. I know Venus has more wins over Serena as a whole, but there are other categories that Serena is beating Venus in and whatever. Who has the better personality? Well, that is obviously Serena. Have you heard the other one talk? It’s like Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson had a 7 foot child. Meanwhile, Serena is very likeable and she is also a fashion designer with her Aneres line of clothing. But whatever… which one of these sisters to you want to bed? And that for me has always been an emphatic Serena.

I would be utterly helpless in bed with her. It would be like trying to wrestle Bo Jackson while I’m naked… which honestly who hasn’t had that dream a hundred times? Anyway, Serena looks good.

Not athletes. Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds… although Reynolds does have a 6 pack like an athlete.

Did you hear that Ryan Reynolds may be dating Charlize Theron right now. Good for him. I was wondering if he would ever fall back on his feet … naked with another GORGEOUS woman. But I will say this, if Ryan Reynolds doesn’t end up marrying some 10 and filling her with kids then I really have to question what the “real” Ryan Reynolds is like. As far as I know he’s been dumped by Alanis and Scarlett. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt right now, but if his next relationship doesn’t work then he must be a crazy “there are dragons at the center of the Earth” type people.

Love it. Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson. I watched that Playboy bunny Girls Next Door show a few times hungover on a Sunday morning marathon. Holly and the other one seemed really nice and everything. Kendra was always painted as the whack job, but in the end she got what she wanted. She loves sports especially football and BAM she bedded and is having offspring and got her own show with a football player. Who would’ve guessed it be Hank Baskett? Before this marriage I just thought of Baskett as a borderline B level widereceiver,but now I think he’s a borderline B level receiver with a whole host of brain cells in his head off the field. I bet just as many people know him now if not more from that TV show with her than what he did in football. People in Philly remember him the most, but outside of that I doubt many people remember Baskett and he still plays today. As for the other two playboy girls, one I have not heard from at all and Holly got dumped by Hugh and the most high profile thing I’ve seen her do is sub in as a ring girl for the UFC on 2 occasions. So Kendra won.

I’m going to have to move this to the lightning round because it’s getting a little long in the tooth…

Blake Griffin can dunk.

Look up a highlight… any highlight of Blake Griffin’s and you will see the evidence of human evolution before your very eyes!

No one was doing what Blake is doing back in 1950 and before and by before I mean in all human and dinosaural history.

MARIA! Maria Sharapova.

Maria is 6’2″! 6’2″!!!!! How great is that? If she’s wearing heels that night then what? 6’5″? 6’6″? Where does it end?!

You’ll get them next time, Maria.

Tim Tebow. If I was him I wouldn’t have chosen this outfit. I would have gone for a lot more of a “sleeveless” look. Maybe even a “shirtless” look. Just pants. Maybe just the Chippendale outfit. Cuffs, collar, bow tie, black speedo. But whatever. I’m about showing the goods … if I had any to show.

I like Tim Tebow. I hated him for 4 years (HATED HIM FOR FOUR YEARS) at the University of Florida. I rooted against him in every game. I didn’t like the guy. I reveled in watching Tebow cry after the loss to Alabama. But when it came time for Tebow to put himself in the NFL draft and “analysts” were saying Tebow wouldn’t cut it… I WAS SHOCKED! SHOCKED! I understand that college players fail in the pros all the time, but Tim Tebow isn’t some college player. Tim Tebow scored every touchdown in college. EVERYONE OF THEM! How many touchdowns did Tim Tebow score during his four years at the University of Florida? ALL OF THEM! ALL OF THEM WERE SCORED! And to say that a man who scored all the touchdowns is not going to be able to make it? I find that hard to believe. I joined the Tim Tebow bandwagon when it was at its lowest and I hope to one day see it reach its highest again… and at that point I’ll probably forsake him like I’m a hipster talking about Radiohead.

Erin Andrews is beautiful as always. Good for her.

Ummm… not much else to say. Still great looking though.

Amare!

I was going to say something about the NBA and Amare and the New York Knicks and Carmelo Anthony, but why?

These lockouts are the dumbest and I fear the NBA’s will be worse than the NFL’s and the NFL’s is tearing me up inside like cancer.

Who’s next?

The deflated Jonah Hill.

Congratulations to Jonah Hill for losing a lot of weight. He looks 10 years older and hopefully looks a lot less creepy in street clothes than he does in this suit.

Is Kevin Smith the only fat guy in Hollywood who just stayed fat? Like he actually got more fat. Damn the man, Kevin.

Do you know who that is?

Tara Lipinski! America’s sweetheart. I have no idea what Tara has been up to since triple axeling through my dreams every night when I was much younger and she was winning gold medals. She looks like a pop country singer. That’s a compliment, right? Either way, it’s great that she’s still around. Maybe her and I can connect on Google+.

FUCK YEAH! DIRK!

FUCK YEAH! INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS!

FUCK YEAH! UGLY GUY AND HOT GIRL!

FUCK YEAH!

I didn’t know Dirk was with a hot black chick nowadays. Previously he was with a crazy white broad who had lied about having children with him or had children with him when she was in prison or all sorts of weird stuff. So, I looked up to see if this lady of his was someone famous and I ran across a slew of articles titled “Dirk’s got a chocolate girlfriend”. Well played, internet.

Either way, Dirk is an odd looking dude and she’s hot and well good job Dirk.

Emmanuelle Chriqui is fucking crazy hot and that’s about it. That’s a lot in its own right, but there’s not much after that. She’s on Entourage which is about the worst television show I’ve ever watched more than 3 episodes of on purpose. So, there’s that.

If you like the visuals that Emmanuelle provides then I would highly suggest looking up the GQ pictures and video she did from a couple years ago. They’re amazing. Watching them was like discovering the atom it was so beautiful and arousing. SEXY SCIENCE!

Superbowl and MVP winning QB Aaron Rodgers. He’s also supposed to be an all around cool guy too.

Aaron also showed me the light that Justin Timberlake is 6’1″. Who would’ve guessed that? Well, not me I suppose. I thought he was short fella. Aaron and Justin presented an award together and although Aaron was taller than Justin – it wasn’t by much, which made me question my sanity for a few seconds. Is Aaron Rodgers 5’8″ because I picture Timberlake to be 5’7″ at most. But whatever. Timbo is 6’1″. Cool. I will work that into conversations for the rest of the month.

Mother of God, she’s the prettiest. Amber Heard folks.

Amber will be starring on what I’m guessing will be the incredibly short lived TV show Playboy Club. Do you remember that show Las Vegas? Well it looks like that, but set in the 60’s I guess and obviously there are a lot of chicks walking around in bunny suits… not like furries, but in the Playboy Bunny suits. Anyway, they picked a phenomenal “talent” to wear that outfit in Amber Heard. I did put “talent” in quotations to be obsequious, but she is actually good in some of the movies she’s in. Great cameo in Zombieland and she’s not bad at all in Drive Angry 3D.

Former NFL great Eddie George and actress Kerry Washington.

I hope this means they’re dating or married or something. Kerry Washington is a really hot black woman and she was dating an ugly white dude for awhile who wasn’t famous. What’s up with that Kerry? I hope this means she’s with Eddie George because he’s a good looking guy, right? I bet he’s still in crazy good shape and he’s famous and he was a warrior in the NFL.

Also, if you would like to see Eddie George do yoga… I actually know a place he frequents in NYC. I have my Hollywood connects.

That guy!

That guy was there! He was there and he had sunglasses!

That guy!

Well done, that guy!

Seth Meyers and his lady. Seth hosted the show. I like Seth Meyes. His lady looks friendly, am I right?

They’re really wanting IT in this shot. Both of them. Yeah, I’m a comedian, but I want IT. Yeah, I’m a comedian’s lady, but I want IT too.

Get a room the two of you, am I right?

Ahhhh… wanting IT.

Questions?

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2 Responses to “Just Because I Don’t Understand You; Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Love You – ESPYS!”

  1. PWG said

    Thank you once more for watching award shows so I don’t have to.

    I love Brian Wilson. Every other reality show in the world should go away, and a phalanx of cameramen should follow Brian around like in The Truman Show. I would sit fascinated watching his whole life. I cannot think up any shit so crazy that I can’t imagine Brian doing it in his spare time. Training squirrels to make stained glass windows? Sure. Soaking in a hot tub full of flan and badgers? No doubt.

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