This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #57

July 15, 2011

It has been another week here on KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT.

It has been another week everywhere. Seven days. Seven nights.

We’ve laughed a little. We’ve cried a little. We’ve spun around on a giant rock in space a little.

We’ve talked a little. We’ve listened a little. We’ve questioned our own sanity a little.

It’s another week! Just as long as the others and not a moment shorter. Exactly as long as it had to be with out a loss of a single second.

I don’t know how I do it. I can’t take ALL the credit, but clearly I should receive most of it.

So what even happened this week?

I talked about Kristen Stewart this week in her Phillies’ shirt. I remember that. I remember my glorious idea for Book of Eli 2 featuring Mila Kunis, Kristen Stewart and David Bowie. I remember that. I saw that Kristen Stewart got into a fender bender this week and the paparazzi were on hand to take pictures of it – could have even be the cause of it. But Kristen Stewart is fine. Kristen “The Cat” Stewart is always what I call her and cat’s survive all sorts of crashes. Couldn’t you just imagine Kristen Stewart falling from a balcony and then landing on her fingertips and toes on the ground unscathed? I can and that’s why I believe Kristen Stewart should play Spider Girl opposite the next reimagining of Spider Man when Andrew Garfield’s fails.

So there ya go. Two new roles for Kristen Stewart – Book of Eli 2 and Spider Girl.

Is there a Spider Girl? Yep. May Parker – the daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Although, we could just make it that she’s another chick who gets bitten by a spider, right? It’s not like these comic book movies read the comic books. Also, I’m pretty sure that Spider Girl may be a lot younger than K-Stew, but regardless who cares. Who wants to watch a movie about a 12 year old girl in spandex? Pedophiles – that’s who. And you’re not a pedophile r u?

That’s about as good of a segue as I could have hoped for to play this hysterical video poking fun at Kristen Stewart…

Well done! Well fucking done to whoever made that!

What else happened this week?

Oh right! The ESPYS!

There was a picture of Amber Heard in there looking hot as always.

Later in the day, I saw WWTDD.com do a post about the ESPYs and he was talking about Amber Heard and he had mentioned something I forgot, which I can’t believe I forgot, which is Amber Heard is a lesbian.

PRETTIEST LESBIAN EVER!

Lip stick lesbian? How about the whole make-up department or something lesbian?!

Amber has actually said she gets mistaken for Kristen Stewart a lot and is approached by women and girls screaming and crying and shaking and she jokingly responds “they must’ve seen me in Zombieland“, but it’s that these are crazy ass Twilight people who thinks she’s K-Stew. So Amber does look similar to Kristen, but she’s blonde, bigger boobs it seems, can do comedy well and she loves kissing chicks.

Why isn’t Amber Heard the most famous actress in HOLLYWOOD?!

I honestly don’t get it. Here is a beautiful young lady who prefers kissing the fairer sex over the dominant one and they keep casting her in movies as the love interest of some half-wit dude. WHY?! Every movie she’s in she should be kissing chicks! All of them! Maybe in a single file line to keep the order, but something!

It probably takes some convincing to get these other female actors to make out with another girl in a movie. And it doesn’t even happen that much. Most of this pseudo lesbian stuff happens on TV. And generally it’s just a peck or whatever and we’re supposed to be happy about it. Well, I don’t know how to spell it out anymore than I already have, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have to “convince” Amber Heard to do that.

Amber’s in a movie coming out that I’m very excited for – The Rum Diary. She will be the love interest for both Josh Hartnett and Johnny Depp. That’s great and all and I love the book and hopefully they’ll do the book justice… but I don’t care about seeing Amber Heard kissing Josh Hartnett or Johnny Depp if there is the complete possibility that I could see Amber Heard kissing… well… any female of comparable age.

Amber Heard locking lips with any girl or all the girls who were in SuckerPunch – that would be excellent to me and others … others with functioning eyes!

So there’s that. Plus I think Amber has been good in all the movies I’ve seen her in. So there’s that.

Anything else happened?

Oh right…

HARRY POTTER!

I’m sure you’re all too busy to read about lesbians because you’re watching some British nitwit do his magic tricks.

I’m going to see the movie as well. Not sure when exactly. Probably when it dies down a little and I’m not in a theater full of kids and instead am in a theater full of creepy adults.

Besides seeing this because it is the FINAL and EIGHTH Harry Potter film, I need to see that The Dark Knight Rises trailer in all its glory.

I tried watching the bootleg trailer and the audio and video were so crappy that I couldn’t tell what was going on. Anything could have been happening. So there’s that. Get your shit together bootleggers!

I think that’s about it.

I hope you all have great weekends as always. I hope you smell some flowers, I hope you feel the Sun light warm your skin, I hope you get so drunk you have to stop yourself from licking water out of dish because you have become part animal, I hope you find an animal in the woods like a mythical animal like a unicorn and you tame that unicorn and you ride that unicorn and ride it through the woods and then out of the woods and you ride it back to your home and you find a corner of your living space for that unicorn to lay down in and call it it’s own (unicorns are hermaphrodites, right?) and then come Monday you ride that unicorn to work and everyone at work is horribly depressed that their weekend could never have compared to yours because you now own a unicorn and you’re riding it to work and you’re just laughing the whole time!

HAHAHAHAH!!!! OH, UNICORN YOU ARE THE BEST!!! I LOVE YOU, UNICORN!!!

And I hope that happens for you.

Have a great weekend and I’ll leave you with this…

 

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7 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #57”

  1. PWG said

    It’s the Turkish Star Wars! That video clip just kept getting better and better and betterer and bestest all the way until the end.

    Not as good as the movie though: “The film follows the adventures of Murat (Arkın) and Ali (Akkaya), whose spaceships crash on a desert planet following a battle using footage from Star Wars as well as Soviet and American space program newsreel clips. while hiking across the desert they speculate that the planet is inhabited only by women. Murat does his “wolf whistle”, which he uses on attractive women. However, he blows the wrong whistle and they are attacked by skeletons on horseback, which they defeat in hand-to-hand combat.”

  2. PWG said

    Google says Amber is a Texas-born atheist bisexual, who owns a .357 Magnum and a ’68 Mustang. I’d buy her a beer or three, she sounds fun.

    She does look like Kristen a bit in that picture. Less so in this one.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “Google says Amber is a Texas-born atheist bisexual, who owns a .357 Magnum and a ’68 Mustang.”

      That right there is good enough for a movie script to be based on.

  3. I’m not entirely sure what I just watched but I do know that I wished it had ended with a creepy sex scene and not some mentoring nonsense.

  4. Nix said

    When I was a lot younger than I am now, I owned a spider girl costume. So there’s that.

  5. Nix said

    Oh wow. That first video was really educational & helpf…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    As for the second video. WTF? What did you do to find THAT? Was it some sort of punishment? How? What? Why? I must agree with HeyyyBrother about the creepy sex scene though…

  6. cledbo said

    I love satire, it makes me warm and fuzzy inside. “You can, like, suddenly notice your hair.” Brilliant, I died.

    Speaking of, I actually think I am dying from this virus/infection/deadly deadly sickness thing I have. Make with the funnies Jordan, it’s all that’s keeping me going! At least lying around at home with cups of tea means I’ll have time to read…

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