It Is Japan’s Fault I Am Depressed So It Is Japan’s Duty To Make Me Happy Again

July 18, 2011

Well, well, well, well…

I thought Japan and the US were on good terms ever since that little incident with the atomic bombs, but I guess I was wrong. Is it too much for me to ask Japan to not use their ninja black magic tricks during the penalty kick shootout? Is it? I didn’t know we were allowed to use sorcery during the Women’s World Cup penalty kick shootout. I’m sorry. Maybe next time our ladies will be well practiced in the dark arts of MAGICALLY MAKING THE US LADIES LOSE DURING A PENALTY KICK SHOOTOUT! For fuck’s sake! Could it have been anymore heartbreaking? The first shot is blocked, the second clears the net? What?! And then on the other side of things our viking lorddess Hope Solo dives and hits the ball, but “somehow” the ball still goes into the net. There is only one answer for this and it is the one I’ve already mentioned:

The Japanese have NINJA MAGIC!


I’m depressed.

I love sports. I love being nationalistic about sports. And I love the ladies.

In all honesty, it was heartbreaking watching our soccer ladies having to act dignified and happy for Japan’s win and just be content with runner-up. America is never happy with runner-up. So that was sad and they had done so well. So well. So many exciting games and we’ll always have the mythical Brazil game when the refs were fucking over our ladies left and right, but they still won the game in penalty kicks.

Those were the good times.

I think it definitely made the whole thing sadder because they were ladies. Reason being, I feel sad for when dudes lose and I would like to console them, but most dudes I really don’t want to touch. Plus if a dude is really sobbing, I want to say to him – hey dude, chill out. Which isn’t much consoling. Like when Adam Morrison played for Gonzaga and when his basketball team lost in the NCAA tournament and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. At first, I would’ve been like hey Adam, you had a great college career. Maybe I would’ve patted him on the shoulder, but I wouldn’t have gotten any closer to that. He’s all sweaty and he had that weird mustache and he doesn’t look like he showers too much on the reg. So I really only would have consoled him at arm’s length. Also, I probably would’ve only patted him on the back once and then when he started really crying I would’ve immediately written him off that someone else would have to deal with him.

So, there’s that.

But with our ladies of the USA women’s soccer – they’re some hot chicks. They’re great soccer players AND they’re some hot chicks so I’m not going to be doing the arm’s distance thing. Come over here, Alex Morgan. I’ll give you a hug. A big hug. A big bear hug of consolation. Get in here Megan Rapinoe. You and your fashionable pixie hair cut. Get in here. There’s enough of me for two hugs. Hope Solo you’re next. I’m going to hug all the tears out of those pretty eyes of yours. Get those big goalie hands over here and let’s hug this out. Ok, who’s next? Heather O’Reilly, I see you.

And so on.

As for me and my consolation, I hope to God in the next ESPN Magazine naked issue (which is a real thing) they get all these ladies to pose. Seriously, that would be amazing and American. It would be beautiful. Just as beautiful as imagining the post game locker room where hopefully our ladies took out their frustration of being in second place on each other in the most passionate lesbian shower scene EVER. It would smell of lavender, sex, and the stars and stripes in there. I love it.

And I guess – congratulations to Japan.

As mentioned, they are the ones who now need to make me happy.

Good thing for me, about everything Japan does makes me happy (minus beating us in the Women’s World Cup of course, haven’t you been reading!). Japan is full on insanity and so am I and we get along.

Here is part 1 of 8 from a Japanese television show that is – 24 Hour Tag.

It is hysterical and it is also subtitled and all on youtube for your viewing pleasure. I suggest bathing in the stupidity and ridiculousness and the Japaneseness of this show and then learning how to view whole again.

Thank you, Japan.


5 Responses to “It Is Japan’s Fault I Am Depressed So It Is Japan’s Duty To Make Me Happy Again”

  1. PWG said

    Okay, first of all, that’s not 24-hour tag, that’s a BDSM training facility. Tell us what little worms you are if you want this breakfast, boys! After you finish running from the black latex punishment master, gather ’round the manboobs! That guy barely had moobs, either. Are moobs comforting or scary in Japan?

    And those guys are GIANT pussies. After 3 minutes of running around and one kick in the ass they whine and moan and jump at farts. I need to go find out if they’re all going to be chased equally in parts 2 through 8. Because if you just have to be faster than one other guy I think you could get a real Lord of the Flies vibe going pretty quickly.

    I don’t know what the gimp was beating them with in the first round, but I’m pretty sure I could’ve handled the ladle and the kicker. It’s the Japanese Hunger Games!

  2. PWG said

    Who wants to play “Don’t Ram the Boobs?!” It’s like human shuffleboard, but if you face plant in the breasticles at the end of the board you get electric shock therapy.

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