Sarah Shahi Must Have Tape On Her Boobs and The Amazing Spider-Man Trailer

July 21, 2011

In these following photos, there are no nipples to be seen… and it is SHOCKING.

You’ll be like – how am I not seeing any nipples? or I’m betting in the next picture there will be nipples because this picture is dangerously close to having nipples.

But there will not be any nipples. Not one and, least of all, not two.

Nip slip?

Nope. Not even just a peek-a-boob. Not a one. No nipple slipple. And I’m guessing it is because of one of two things:

1. TAPE

2. MAGIC

or I guess there could be “magic tape”. I’m fine with any and all answers because I blame everyone for how furious I am over not seeing professional TV actress Sarah Shahi.

Like how?!

If even the slightest hint of breeze or just the subtle constant rotation of the Earth… there would be nipple. It’s like they froze time to take this picture. I would imagine that Sarah Shahi had to not breath to take this picture. She had to catch herself in the most perilous of positions where you breath out all your air and before you take another intake breath where you’re just somehow existing in between one of two always happening worlds. Even then! If Sarah Shahi breathes in? Nipple. If Sarah Shahi breathes out? Nipple. If Sarah Shahi holds her breath? I’m thinking that the body will tense for a moment and that silky fabric will just tumble to the side and NIPPLE!

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that there has to be tape on Sarah Shahi’s boobs. Her glorious boobs to make sure there isn’t even the slightest chance will get nipple and in that I find those people who conspired against us as TRAITORS to the human race! TREASON! Why would you rob us? Why would you rob all of us? All of us the living creatures of this world and the other creatures from other worlds that look upon us waiting to strike. You have robbed all of us of Sarah Shahi’s full breast.

Like how?!

It’s just baffling how perfectly this is all set in place.

The other day, I was searching for something online and google autofilled my search box with “Sarah Shahi” and I was like “yeah, I’ve got time to look at Sarah Shahi pictures”. I mean who doesn’t? If you don’t, then make time. Do it for yourself. I knew mostly what I was getting myself into – hot chick, Persian, former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, TV actress. Oh I know Sarah Shahi.

I remember the first time I saw Sarah Shahi – she was in Old School. I remember thinking that Leah Remini and Perrey Reeves’ characters had a gorgeous Middle Eastern decent friend that they didn’t mention was GORGEOUS all the time. Not too long after that I started seeing her appear on my television set. First in the short lived show Teachers, which was terrible. Then as God works in beautiful and mysterious ways, Sarah Shahi joined The L Word and was making out with chicks per regular for about 4 years on that show, which was amazing.

Since then, TV producers have looked upon this 5’3″ lovely princess of the East, the Middle East, but born and raised in Texas (don’t mess with it), they have looked upon Sarah Shahi as a CRIME SOLVER. Yes, a solver of crimes!

Sarah Shahi was a police detective on Life (decent enough show) and now is the main character for Fairly Legal where she’s a lawyer or something.

Nevertheless…

NO NIPPLE!

You would think just the passing of time would cause that idea of a cloth to just shift.

I know some of you are saying – “it’s a photoshoot”… well it is.

But my next set of trickery happened in real life, REAL LIFE and it’s some Cris Angel type shit.

But I did mention the Spider-Man trailer and I plan on giving you all my thoughts concerning this new trailer for this reboot of the Spider-Man series featuring The Social Network’s Andrew Garfield as the titular character Spider-Man and as his everyday high school self Peter Parker…

It looks good.

BACK TO SARAH SHAHI!!!!!

I’m kidding…

Well, I thought the trailer looked a lot better than I expected.

I know that with the success of these Twilight films and the “relative” “success” of these other movies that are Twilight-esque that when they planned this reboot for Spider-Man they were going to go all public school angst. This trailer shows bits of that, but they do focus more on showing us that this Spider-Man is a lot like the last in there will be plenty of death defying jumps off of Manhattan skyscrapers as well as some CGI-fantastique web swinging around this great New York City.

The rest of the trailer was similar to Nolan’s Batman. It read a lot like Batman Begins with this foreboding orphaning and being raised by someone else and with that he’s always felt alone and left behind and angry. You know – EMO! He’s so emo. Now, Batman’s emoness resulted in him moving to East Asia and becoming a ninja and a smuggler. Where as Spider-Man’s emoness makes him spike up his hair like he just woke up and then he wears a lot of hoodies regardless of the time of year and puts those hoodies over his head when he is doodling in his notebook. There’s that teen angst.

Of course, there is Emma Stone who is funnily enough playing Gwen Stacey instead of Mary Jane Watson. Most think of Emma with her read hair and Mary Jane has red hair, but Gwen is a blonde, so they cast her to be a blonde. Either way, Gwen seems to be too good for ole’ emoed out Peter Parker, but who doesn’t love a skater boi am I right? Avril Lavigne was right. Girls can’t keep their hands off them. Nothing gets chicks wet in the pants faster than a “brooder”. Oh he’s so dark and brooding. You would think that this cliche would have run its course, but it hasn’t.

The final bit in the trailer is what everyone has been talking about and that’s the crazy POV jumping around and off buildings stuff.

HOW?!

HOW?!

HOW ARE WE NOT SEEING NIPPLE?!

Sarah Shahi is wearing absolutely the lowest cut tank top with this spindly strings attached to the tiniest of canopies to support her lovely boobs and shield her nipples from seeing the light of day. AND she is in the middle of laughing! LAUGHING! How are there no nipples?!

You know that every fucking person on that red carpet and especially all the photographers were snapping 16 billion pictures a second thinking that at any moment that there would be nipple. NIPPLE! One or two! NIPPLE! Now… or now… or now or now or now… no now! It’s a miracle, but a bad one. It’s the worst miracle ever. It’s a miracle that no nips slipped, but that’s not how it should have been. Nips should have slipped and I think it is because Sarah Shahi has a connection, maybe a childhood friend or maybe someone she met on the set of ER or Damages, that works for NASA and NASA did as a favor for them and designed a black tanktop with space age invisible and extra strong, but flexible tape to go along the inside of this clothing to make sure Sarah Shahi could show the most percentage of delicious cleavage and at the same time show zero nipple.

It is about the only answer I have and I believe in it.

HOW?!

Here Sarah Shahi is just toying with us as she does. Sarah is leaning back and if she leaned back just a single degree more… NIPPLE. That’s what I’m saying. It’s like she was trained by a mathematician skilled in geometry, physiology, and nipples. I’m saying there are people out there like that because liberal arts colleges pretty much allow you to make up your own major. I’m just saying Sarah Shahi may have found a person like that who now works as a TV show consultant for the TV show Psych, which Sarah was on and if she coupled that knowledge with the NASA black tanktop invention then she could pull off this no nipple fiasco.

It’s like the tank top is strategically repositioning itself within each frame of her existence like it is living and breathing and selfaware CGI. That’s another theory of mine.

So, that whole Spider-Man POV stuff was all CGI.

I find it funny to read some articles saying it is a “camera trick”.

Camera trick? They didn’t suit up Andrew Garfield with a head camera rig and have him running the rooftops of Manhattan. No, they made it like a videogame. It’s a really expensive videogame, but it’s a videogame. It looks pretty cool and it’s really well done. I fear that A. it will come across as gimmicky if they do it too much in the movie and B. I get this feeling that that shot will be the last sequence of the film just like the end of the first and I think second Spider-Man movies where Peter Parker is giving his message about with great power comes great something and he’s swinging and leaping around and so forth.

I do find it funny that people want everything to be “darker”. I like the first two Spider-Man movies. The third isn’t good in total because there is just way too much. If they could have removed a couple elements then it would have been a truck load better. I really liked the idea of having the Sandman in the movie, but his character and all his scenes feel incredibly awkward. They could have removed the entirety of that and focused wholly on Spider-Man, Venom and Green Goblin 2. The one scene in that movie that I like on its own is the fight between Tobey and James Franco. Either way, that third movie really put a bad taste in people’s mouths about the whole series.

Now, we have to sit through the whole origin story all over again. This time Peter Parker is brooding and a loner with a hot girlfriend. Why so brooding, Pete? Origin stories are usually tedious for filmmaker and viewer because we know what happens. He gets bit by a spider and now he’s Spider-Man. The other little changes they make to that storyline are a lot of times seen as wildly unnecessary. Plus origin stories usually take up way too much of the film and by the time we get to him finally being the character you’ve come to see – hint hint Spider-Man – then there’s only 30 minutes or so left.

Most of these superhero movies suck because of three things:

1. We spend almost the entire movie with the main character coming to grips with being a superhero. Fuck you, pal. I want to see you be a superhero. I didn’t pay $14 and wear a silly pair of plastic horned rim glasses, so I look like a Buddy Holly or Rivers Cuomo or any hipster in Brooklyn, so I could see you lament having super powers in 3D! I want to see you fucking shit up. I would fuck shit up if I had super powers, so why don’t you, you dolt?

2. The villain gets little to no screen time. If you spend 2/3’s of the movie talking about why the superhero got struck by lightning and how he can fly because of it and then him learning how to control his flying powers then you’re probably not talking too much about the super villain. The villain makes and breaks the movie and if we know dick about him then who cares. We have to buy into the idea that this villain is going to succeed and kill everything and that’s why our hero is our only hope to stop him.

and

3. zero Sarah Shahi nipples…

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4 Responses to “Sarah Shahi Must Have Tape On Her Boobs and The Amazing Spider-Man Trailer”

  1. PWG said

    That last picture’s pretty extraordinary. I kept trying to read points 1, 2 and 3 but my peripheral vision kept trying to look at Sarah Shahi instead. I wasn’t looking for nipples per se, because human female breasts aren’t quite as fascinating to me as they are to you. I may have missed some of the points you were making there, is what I’m saying. I even stared at her for a bit until I felt like I’d pretty much taken in the whole thing, and then went back to try and read that last part, but still with the wandering eye. I think possibly that last picture is a rare earth magnet.

  2. PWG said

    What’s with those hideous glasses she’s wearing with the magical tank top? On her they look okay, because shit, what’s NOT going to look okay on her, right? But otherwise they’re ugly as all fuck. The manufacturer should have recognized that they’d only look good on 12 earthlings, tops. Unless they’re charging $4k for each pair, and all 12 of those really beautiful blind-ish people bought them, that can’t have been a profitable line of eyewear.

    Wait, did you even notice she was wearing glasses in those pictures?

  3. Even after you thoroughly recapped her entire career, I still have no fucking clue who this Sarah Shahi is other than maybe THE PRETTIEST GIRL EVER. And I hate her for it a little bit. Slash a lot. Because that’s how the estrogen-riddled brain of the lesser sex works.

    The Spider-Man trailer looks better than I anticipated for a movie that I don’t really think needs to be made. I was ready for a new, darker Batman by the time C-Noles took a swing at the franchise. I’m not ready for more Spider-Man. I’m still scarred by emo-Tobey from the last one.

  4. Dizzlski said

    And it’s obvious she has real breasts, she has not inflated them. Yay.

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