This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #58

July 22, 2011

Today is Friday.

Friday means the end of the typical working week.

Friday is also the gatekeeper to the wild and outlaw world of the weekend.

Friday faces the justly Sun of the week and to its back lay the shadow lands of the hedonism known as the week’s end.

THE END!

It’s fucking hot as a motherfucker is fucking hot.

It’s like a heat index of fucking hot x a motherfucker x fucking the most hot = what’s going on outside.

Where are all those asshats in the coldest moments of winter who go “so much for global warming”?

WHERE ARE THEY?! *Batman growl*

By the way, anyone who uses the phrase “so much for global warming” in any sincerity has no clue what the problem of global warming is. That’s a fact.

Also, “so much for global warming” people are douches.

So, what is there to talk about?

There’s this…

Oh, it’s Kristen Stewart tittering like a Japanese anime character – truthfully a reoccurring fantasy of mine.

The Twilight kiddies were at COMIC CON yesterday and, of course, every single and solitary SECOND was photographed for our benefit and the aliens that one day will challenge the human race for ownership of this planet.

The image quality of these photographs are also INSANE.

The original size of this photo was so big I thought I was downloading THE Kristen Stewart in human form through FireFox.

I have no idea what they talked about on the panel. I assume geo-political issues like the governmental restructuring of North Africa or maybe they stuck to national politics and discussed the recent President Obama addresses and how fucking inflexible the Republicans are being in this because all they want are tax cuts for those wealthy 2% or whatever infantile percentage it is. Or they could have been talking about Spanx. I’ve been thinking a lot about Spanx recently. Not really for my own personal use because that’s like slapping a band-aid on a decapitation. More so, I’ve been thinking about writing Spanx into one of my many screenplay ideas that I never write. I have two screenplay ideas that a Spanx joke would both work well in. The two actors I picture are Samuel L. Jackson and Zach Galifianakis. Who wouldn’t want to see those two wearing Spanx?

Again, Kristen Stewart’s eyes want IT.

As for the rest of the panel…

Everyone…

Was…

Talking…

About…

Rob…

Oh…

So…

Handsome…

Rrrrr

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HEAD?!!!!!

It looks like the top of his head is falling off! Is it just me? What the hell happened to him?! It’s like he is some Frankenstein’s monster and his scalp needs readjusting!

HaHAHAHahahaHAHAHAHahahaHAHAHAH!!!

Oh, but he’s still so something…

By the by, if Kristen Stewart is still fucking Rob with the way he looks then there are 3 explanations:

1. She actually loves him and as we know love is blind, which I assume is the worst for people who are attractive and end up loving someone who is unattractive. We all know that happens so much.

2. The Want is blind to its carnal urges, so the haircut does not matter to the Want. Kristen is lucky she isn’t out there humping doorknobs the Want is so strong in her, on her, with her.

3. Kristen Stewart likes freaks. She’s got a freaky side for the freaks. Whatevs.

Anyway, I did get a response from my tweetie tweet tweet tweetie poo about these pictures where people said Rob’s hair is for a movie role. A David Cronenberg movie role about a guy who does end up getting a haircut, so I guess that is the haircut. I’m curious how Cronenberg will be with Rob because I think both have a tendency for “woodeness” and that might go swimmingly together or it could multiply the woodeness and no one actually does anything in the movie and it’s just 2 hours of people standing around… wooden. Also, I don’t think Rob’s a good actor, but hey that hasn’t stopped a million others from getting featured roles in movies. Am I right?

As for Rob…

GOOD JESUS THE PEOPLE OF TWITTER ARE NOT OVER ROB!

I received I think by my humble estimate 6,000 tweets about Rob and his arms.

Taylor who?! … HAHAHAHAH!!! YEAH FUCK THAT KID! FUCK KID IN HIS STUPID ASS!!!! ROB HAS MUSCLES TOO YOU FUCKING IDIOT KID!!!! FUCK YOU TAYLOR! FUCK YOU AND PLAY IN THE STREET YOU DOLT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!! ROB!!! ROB TO RULE US ALL LIKE HE HAS THE ONE RING OF POWER!!! !AHAHAHAHAHAHDsfhjaspodfu1304irop13jefrij1k32l4k12#!!!!! MY BRAIN HAS EXPLODED AND A WHITE MILKY SUBSTANCE IS SHOOTING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE OF MINE LIKE I’M IAN HOLM IN ALIEN!!!!!! ROB!!!! SAVE ME ROB!!!!!

That’s kind of what my twitter timeline looked like yesterday.

I didn’t click on any of the picture links to Rob and his arms for many hours yesterday. I couldn’t care any less about his arms or any part of him really, so I didn’t click on the links. But with life comes boredom and with boredom comes the internet and after reading all these tweets about these tree trunks of muscular flesh I felt like “fuck it”, so I clicked on one of the links 80% expecting to see Hulk Hogan’s 24 inch pythons surgically attached to Rob’s particular British white unassuming torso.

Is it just me or does Kristen kind of look like Ashley Greene here?

Back to Rob… Instead…

Rob’s arms looked just as “big” or as “normally sized” as usual. He wore a t-shirt for some of the panel it seems and the twitter people of the world cannot take it. LOOK AT HIS ARMS! HE HAS ARMS AND LOOK AT THEM!

Even with his stupid haircut that literally makes it look like he is walking around as Two Face these women still want to bang the living daylights out of him.

If we’re going by pure superficiality then there should have been less of a sexual response, but I know I’m dealing with people who think Rob is actually a mythical romantic creature who lives for hundreds of years and has super powers and shimmers or whatever and broods and so on, so him looking like an idiot in the flesh as we speak because of the haircut really doesn’t come into any context.

I would love to see Rob roll out onto the stage of his next public appearance in a wheelchair and watch my twitter feed explode with AWWW YEAH HE’S SO FUCKING HOT IN THAT WHEEL CHAIR!!! I’D LIKE TO TAKE A RIDE IN THAT CHAIR!!! I COULD JUST RIDE AROUND SITTING ON HIS LAP BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON DAT THING!!! YEAH, FUCK ME PARAPLEGIC ROB!!! FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF ME YOU PARALYZED BASTARD!!!! AAAAHHHH I’M INSANE!!!!

Well… what else is happening? Oh right!

CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!

If I had to describe how I feel about this Captain America movie in a gif it would be this one…

I’m interested, but I’m not, but I’m trying to look like I am, but I can’t fully and in the end it looks like my mind is being boiled with acid.

I don’t know what this woman is doing per say, but I’ve been told she’s trying to allure a man in porn.

I’d suggest the woman imagine having sex with Taye Diggs if she wants to actually look alluring. Imagine the guy is Taye Diggs. Imagine his big black strong muscular arms of comfort and sex.

I’m trying to keep my hopes low for Captain America, which they naturally want to be there anyway because these Marvel movies BLOW.

At the same time, I want to just like the fucking movie. What’s wrong with movies being likable?

It’s Captain America for Christ’s sake – I’m already like 99% on board, so just don’t fuck it up.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

A great one in fact.

That’s it.

 

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7 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #58”

  1. tiffanized said

    I just assumed the hair was the consequence of sitting too close to The Want. You’ll note which side it’s on.

  2. Nix said

    May I direct you to twitarded.blogspot.com? The latest post is titled “Robert Pattinson & the Deathly Half Faux-Hawk”. Although, in truth, they still all want to bump uglies with him (this may now have a new connotation?). But they do acknowledge the horrors of the hair. Funnily enough the arms are not mentioned…

    I like tiffanized’s reasoning…

  3. PWG said

    I like to think that picture of Kristen is her reaction shot to seeing Rob’s haircut for the first time. Although it’s not like she didn’t get a shitty haircut for that Runaways movie, and he presumably dated her through that awful inky black mullet fringe, so . . .

    Even it the haircut wasn’t for a movie, you couldn’t blame the guy for trying to ugly it up a bit. Anything to shake off 10 to 15% of the crazies who follow him everywhere he goes. I think he already tried to say he doesn’t bathe or change his clothes or wash his hair, and all that got him was, “I LOVE HOBOS.”

    Honestly, what could he do at this point to get some breathing room, set fire to kittens?

  4. PWG said

    I saw your Twitter thing yesterday about not knowing who that woman is, but I thought you were kidding. She’s the child bride of Percy Wetmore, how can you have missed the awesome video of that interview?!

    http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/07/15/doug-hutchinson-gma/

  5. Wait what did someone say something about Robert Pattinson??? I can’t think straight after being mesmerized by the gif of that crazy…16-year-old. *cough*

    I apparently missed the arm brouhaha – after I saw the crazy “Chief just threw a sink through the window and sprang me from the institution” hair, I had to turn away and vent.

    But yeah, I’d still do him. Maybe that’s the heat-stroke talking. I can’t tell anymore.

  6. My favorite thing about Spanx is that they’re CROTCHLESS. Two theories on the purpose of that:
    1) it allows us ladies to go to the bathroom without having to remove and squeeze back into what is essentially a second skin.
    2) you’re going to look so sexy in your sausage casing that everything with a penis in the vicinity will be on a mission to penetrate you, so easy access is a must.

    It’s probably 1, but I really love the idea of all these chicks out there feverishly fucking through their Spanx-hole.

  7. tiffanized said

    “Feverishly fucking through my Spanx-hole” is now my stock answer for people who ask me what I’m up to.

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