July 25, 2011

Today… today… today… I will review



But first…

Was Kristen Stewart wearing a white tanktop with bear headed men in dominatrix outfits?

That’s what I think is going on.

Kristen Stewart aka the Empress of Want aka the First Name in Want aka the Wantess aka the Shifting Prism of All the Almighty’s Want Reflected aka Honey Badger aka that chick from Twilight aka no that’s Anna Paquin and she’s on True Blood, which is a TV show and not a movie, I’m talking about those movie vampires that the teens watch and she’s the main chick in that one aka the Cat aka Calla Lily…

Kristen Stewart owns a tanktop with three men dressed in leather and they have bear heads. That’s a shirt that she owns and she wears it and it exists and here it is on her while she’s walking through the crowd at Comic Con.



All Ms. Honey Badger is doing is walking through a crowd of people and she still looks like she wants IT. It never gets old.

As for Comic Con and for the news updates about Comic Con especially the ones concerning Kristen “The Cat” Stewart, I am planning on talking about that tomorrow. The Snow White and the Huntsmen stuff I’ll get to tomorrow. That of course is hinging on that something INSANE doesn’t happen today/tonight that would veer my course for tomorrow’s post. That has been known to happen. Don’t fret that the NFL Lockout being over or not being over will most likely not become a full post in its own right probably because I hate the NFL owners and this whole bullshit lockout so much I want to pretend like it never happened out of the embarrassment it has caused us all… like that time I threw up all over my friend’s parents’ living room, which was called “the white room” not for racist reasons, but for accuracy reasons because they had a white carpet and two white couches with white pillows, but that was all in the past because that next morning the couch, carpet and one of the pillows had a brownish/black hue to it in a splatter art fashion.




I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

That’s the spoiler free version.

Did you like that?

So, if you haven’t seen the movie and you want a purely SPOILER FREE review then find another website for the day.

But if you have seen the movie and you want to commiserate with me then please stay. Pull up a chair. Have a nice cup of cocoa or a cold beer or a fizzy lemon water. Would you like that? I have some crackers as well. Cheese slices? Little cheese cubes? Havarti. I’m just throwing that out there. Havarti. And if I had anything else to add I would say Gouda. Just let that sit for a moment. Why should you stay? Refreshing beverages, crunchy crackers, and a selection of cheeses. Havarti. Gouda. I’ll just wait over here while you make that decision to stay or leave. One last thought, if you do leave then you are essentially breaking every piece of my heart (all 6 pieces of it) into a billion tiny pieces and then stepping on those pieces until they turn to a dust and then you’re urinating all over that dust and I’ll never be able to take that urine soaked dust and turn that back into a functioning heart again. Ok? So you think about that and I’ll just wait for you to make your decision to read this review or to kill me with your breaking, pissing and leaving option.






I’m glad you stayed.

Have as much of the cheese platter as you see fit.


I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

Let me begin with Captain America … himself!!! dunh DunH DUNH!

Oh, he must work out.

Actually, he doesn’t. Captain America does not work out. He takes steroids or should I say the “super soldier serum” aka STEROIDS. This movie is awfully pro-steroids in that regard, but who isn’t? And what does it matter? I love the movie Universal Soldier, which is also 100% pro-steroids. In Universal Soldier, Dolph Lundgren is kicking the shit out of Jean Claude Van Damme because he is on steroids. During their final fight, at some point Jean Claude gets a hold of some of Dolph’s steroids and Jean Claude sticks himself with the steroids. After that, Jean Claude kicks the shit out of Dolph and then kills him. Meanwhile, Dolph also took steroids in Rocky IV and lost to a guy who didn’t take steroids. Dolph just doesn’t come out on top in these scenarios. He probably doesn’t have that winner’s mindset I hear a lot about. Either way, it’s certainly not the steroids fault.

Besides all that, Chris Evans does workout. He got HUGE or UGE for this movie. Out of all the actors that could have played a young Captain America, I would have picked Chris Evans too and he did not disappoint. He looks like the All-American muscular man and he plays the well intentioned earnest do gooderness of Cap very well.

As a whole, the movie is entirely origin story. That’s a rough hand to be dealt because origin stories are usually the worst part of the story. There’s that bit when the person is not the superhero, which who cares? There’s the bit when they’re fumbling around with whatever powers they have, which who cares? There’s the bit where they realize they have to make this choice to be the superhero, which who cares? And then finally(!), they are the superhero and then the movie ends 10 minutes later.

For Captain America, this is even more prevalent because this movie has to get Captain America from when he is first created back in World War II and put into practice and then get him to the present time where the real Captain America story as a superhero is going to continue. Reason why? Because Marvel’s next movie is THE AVENGERS. Did you notice it was called Captain America: The First Avenger???? Yeah, that’s a not so subtle hint that this movie is supposed to lead to THE AVENGERS.

Let’s retrace our steps for a moment… the title of this post is “CAPTAIN AMERICA is the CITIZEN KANE of MARVEL Movies”. In comparison to the other Marvel movies out recently, Cap’n America is by far the best. THOR was an atrocity. The Iron Man movies are at best a fun waste of time and I personally find them more or less terrible and insulting. The Incredible Hulk movies are awful plus they’re planning on making a third reboot. I know Ghost Rider isn’t an Avenger, but he’s Marvel and that movie sucked and same can be said for the frighteningly bad Fantastic Four movies. There are other Marvel movies too like the Spider-Man movies. I liked the first two Spider-Man movies a lot and didn’t like the third. I would still say that Spider-Man 2 is my favorite Marvel movie, nevertheless, Captain America is the best this bunch has had to offer in awhile.

The story of Steve Rodgers trying to join the Army to fight in World War II, but him being a skinny short kid is the first 30 minutes of the movie. It’s not bad. There’s a good deal of humor in it and at the same time the CGI that was used to shave down Chris Evans to make him look like that is done really well. Finally, they get around to Steve getting stuck with needles and serum pumped into him so we can get into him being a shield carrying hero, right? Well, not exactly.

The next sequence of time for Cap is being a spokesman for the US Army selling war bonds. It is basically an extended montage, but I really liked that as well. I was surprised how much I was enjoying all of Joe Johnston’s directing because I’ve never been a big fan of his. But I thought that sequence had a lot of energy and was funny and was an interesting twist on a storyline, which we saw in Flags of our Fathers using army heroes to sell the bonds.

Then Cap does become the hero that we all are expecting. From then on the movie becomes a pretty regular action movie. The action scenes were fun. A lot of Captain America running guys over with his shield, throwing the shield, shooting guns and just kicking the shit out of people. Actually, back to the guns, there are so many dudes getting shot and killed in this movie, which was pretty great. That sounds odd, but this movie is part WAR movie and I think they did a pretty good job creating that war element. He’s a superhero, sure, but he’s also a soldier in World War 2 and they blended those two stories together nicely.

As far as the other actors… Hugo Weaving is a professional.

Hugo does a great job as a menacing ambitious Nazi scientist who manages his own group called Hydra. With them he actually creates his own global domination scenario with the weapons that he was originally planning on giving to the Nazis. That’s his story for the most part. The first half of Hugo’s story is spent with Hugo with his face and then the second half of the movie is spent with Hugo having the Red Skull face like above. I’m not sure how many other actors could have created this villain in the first half and then revealed this crazily comical face in the second half and make it seem almost natural. Hugo pulls it off with flying colors.

Of course, there is also Tommy Lee Jones in the movie and Stanley Tucci and so on and they all do fine jobs with the roles they are given. They are there to help usher Captain along in some way or another. And there is the introduction, to most of us, of British actress Haley Atwell and her…

Haley’s got a brunette Christina Hendricks thing going on. Haley’s character Peggy Carter is sort of Captain’s moral compass as well as his love interest. Peggy doesn’t get to do too much in the movie, but what she does do is a whole load better than running around in distress with her flapping and her on the verge of crying every 20 seconds like every other female in these Marvel movies. Liv Tyler, Jennifer Connelly, Kirsten Dunst, Natalie Portman et cetera. They’re just running around with something coming after them and they’re about to cry at any minute. Meanwhile, Peggy kills a guy and she punches another guy. And she’s a little sassy.

Anyway… what are we talking about? Captain America is good, but it certainly has its flaws.

The bad of Captain America is the bad in all these Marvel movies – they don’t explain shit. The shit they don’t explain is the shit that is linking all these movies together. Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Nick Fury, Hulk, Hawkeye and so on are all together in the Avengers. The filmmakers are trying to link the stories together, so they’re all in the same universe facing in a sense a similar problem, so that the Avengers movie will go smoothly. But that requires you to have to have almost apriori knowledge of all this stuff and to have seen all these movies. I will never recommend to anyone to see Thor, but if you haven’t seen Thor then a few BIG moments in the film will make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

See that cube Hugo is holding? That’s the key to the film. That is what Hugo is searching for and then he finds. Then he takes that cube and some how uses it to make energy to power his guns, airplanes and submarines. That cube is also what eventually defeats Hugo. But what is that cube?

In the movie, the only line about the cube is that it’s Odin’s Cube as if that meant anything to anyone who hasn’t seen Thor. Oh the famous cube of Odin! I remember that cube! Everyone knows about Odin’s cube. Right? Wait, what? I have no idea what Odin’s cube is. Also, Hugo does say a few Thor-esque lines about magic and science being one and the same, which is the plot of Thor for the most part.

They never explain the cube or why it is doing what it’s doing. When the cube is first used by Hugo there is a moment where they push the cube too hard and all of a sudden it’s like a rip in space and time happens and they briefly see the stars of a night’s sky and these other planets. Well… what the fuck was that?! Oh nothing… if you haven’t seen Thor. If you’ve seen Thor then you know what the hell that is as well as you know what the cube is. If you haven’t then you haven’t wasted 2 hours of your life on Thor, but you have no clue what the hell is going on. Secondly, Captain and Hugo fight and they hit the cube again and this time the cube goes nuts and that same rip in space and time happens and this time Hugo gets sucked up into it… and no one explains SHIT! What happened to Hugo is almost to a T what happened to Loki in Thor. So… if you saw Thor then you understand sort of how the bad guy was defeated in the climax of the movie. If you haven’t then the climax of the movie makes no sense.

That’s not good. ^^^ That’s not good at all.

But I feel like I can overlook that because I thought the rest of the movie was fine. I liked the World War 2 stuff, I liked the action, I liked the feel of the movie, I liked the Red Skull and I liked all that… but they had to tie it in with the rest of the garbage Marvel movies and in doing so they allowed some garbage to come in.

I wish we were getting ramped up for Captain America 2 and not the Avengers. I don’t care about that movie. I want more of Cap and hopefully more of Cap without any of those other douches.

In the end, there was way more to like than not like. It’s not perfect like Atwell’s ta-tas, but it was a solid B effort. About the only other thing I would change is making Captain America not a virgin. Yeah, that’s right – get the man a dame for a night. Any dame! He is trading sexy eyes with Haley Atwell the whole movie, but the only thing they do is kiss on the lips right before they are about to part ways for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Outside of that, Cap got a little tongue from Natalie Dormer earlier in the movie. Besides those two moments, he’s way more virgin than Steve Carell in 40 year old virgin or Edward in Twilight. He’s pretty close to Ed in the virgin category. Eddie is over 100 years virgin meanwhile Captain is over 90 years virgin. What in the hell? At the very least they could have had Natalie Dormer pull Cap into a supply closet for some 7 minutes in Heaven and then Haley Atwell walks in.

Either way, I enjoyed the movie thoroughly.


3 Responses to “CAPTAIN AMERICA is the CITIZEN KANE of MARVEL Movies”

  1. Yesterday I was thinking about how unnecessary it was for him to get as big as he did for the movie. There was really very little shirtlessness in the film… a dearth of bare-chested Chris Evans, really. And the CGI of him as a puny little dude was so good that they could’ve just done that for the five milliseconds he was actually shirtless on screen, and then thrown him in a padded suit for the rest of the film… But I guess he’s dedicated to his craft, which is either acting or making the ladies swoon.

    I’m going to be honest: I remember almost nothing of Thor – zero details. I think I’ve blocked it out of my brain. Loki got sucked into space? There was a cube? Did I see the same Thor as you? My point is that I guess those parts of Captain America didn’t make “sense” to me, but you also take a lot of that stuff with a grain of salt because it’s all comic book superhero fairytales anyway. I’m not going to get picky about not understanding the in’s and out’s of Odin’s cube when the man trying to use it is an EVIL RED SKULL NAZI. But they should stop just assuming you know everything or that you’ve seen every other movie – I’m not THAT big of a nerd, Marvel.

    He needs to be a virgin, Jordan. Duh. Otherwise the ladies won’t believe he’s virtuous and honorable. He can’t save us and the rest of the world if he’s gone and humped someone in a closet. Might even help if they made him emotionally abusive and threw in a sparkle or two…

  2. PWG said

    I saw Captain America too. I like Chris Evans, although that hairless spray tan body continues to disturb. Not his fault, Hollywood does that to pretty much every shirtless actor besides CGI Gollum and Steve Carell. The Fantastic Four movies were hideously bad, but I blame that on shitty scripts and Jessica Alba.

    I liked the first Iron Man and the second Spider-man, but I was a little bored with Captain America. Hugo Weaving and Tommy Lee Jones were great, and I liked the costumes. Honestly, how do you think that Red Skull leather jacket works? I keep staring at it and trying to image what belt, slot and button goes where to put it on. Except I was doing that during the movie, too, and also wondering how they did that prosthetic face without making it seem super big like a big bobble-head skull. I spent a lot of time wondering how much was makeup, and how much was CGI, and what color lipstick Peggy was wearing, etc. All of which means I wasn’t really that into the movie.

    I don’t think you can lay 70-year virgin status on CA though, he was frozen for most of it. He wasn’t a virgin that long by choice, unlike some characters named above. I got the distinct impression he would’ve laid some tracks with ol’ Peggy if that last mission hadn’t turned out the way it did. (Then I spent 5 minutes wondering if they were going to palm off the Mentalist chick as his new girlfriend since Peggy’s probably dead in the present time, and also wondering if she had to wear that 40’s hair/makeup/clothes 24/7 until he finally woke up. Bored.)

  3. Nix said

    Um… The body is nice an’ all, but it makes his head look really small. I was scrolling down & first came the hair & I was thinking ‘that’s a boy next door haircut right there’ & then came the head & I was like ‘oh look, the head goes with the hair’ & then came the torso & I was W.T.F?! I had to keep scrolling up & down to check if the head & body matched or if it was one of those mismatched head & body games…

    Anyhoo… Movie looks fun, I would pay money to see it. Not exorbitant amounts, you understand, but I would be willing to make a fair exchange of cash for a ticket… Looking forward to your predictions for Snow….& the Huntsman.

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