Are There Still Dwarves In This Movie or Did The Huntsmen Eat Them?

July 26, 2011

Yes.

Yessidee. Yesssidoo. Yessime. Yessiyou.

COMIC!!!      CON!!!!

If you’re a tweeter and you like Twilight or if you like Twitter and you consider yourself a Twi-hard or if you tweet tweet tweet about the Twi Twi Twi then Comic Con was a big deal to you. Especially, if you want to put your face in and around Kristen Stewart’s tweeter. I would guestimate that most of the most interesting news that came out of Comic Con floated around the lithe punk rocky Kristen Stewart.

What did we learn at Comic Con about Kristen Stewart?

We learned that Kristen Stewart wears a black bra and likes to show it off to everyone. Hello there, Kristen Stewart. Hello there, Kristen Stewart’s brazier and, hello there, Kristen Stewart’s boobs. Hello, hello, and helloooo.

What else?

Well, Kristen “Calla Lilly” Stewart is not going to be in K-11 anymore.

That’s good news. Reason being – it sounded like a stupid movie. That’s the MAIN reason why. It was pretty much a GI Jane movie and “Calla Lilly” was playing a marine sniper or something. I’m not a registered scientists, but the blow back from a sniper rifle would probably shatter “Calla Lilly’s” shoulder in half. Also, her ability is next to zero to even carry the rifle and/or the rest of her equipment while running up and down miles of hills and so forth. I get that it’s the movie business and we’re supposed to just believe whatever the movie tells us to believe like in Horrible Bosses that women just automatically have sex with Jason Sudeikis – automatically as if their genitals were actually magnetically attracted to each other. But believing the… what are we saying Kristen Stewart weighs? 80 pounds? 70? Am I still too high or too low? I can’t figure it out… she’s only like 5’5″ and I can practically see thru her… let’s just settle on that Kristen Stewart weighs less than the average backpack full of gear that a single soldier carries. Also, why would anyone want Kristen Stewart to get another absurd haircut for a movie? AM I RIGHT? Some have still not fully healed from the black shag mullet from The Runaways.

So no… K-11. But instead… an emphatic YES for Snow White and the Huntsmen.

 

As you can see “this ain’t yo mama’s Snow White”, which has been said by too many people.

Well, I wasn’t expecting to see Kristen Stewart in full metal plate armor with a shield and a sword. I’ll grant you that.

 

More than anything I just think this is a big dick tease that Kristen Stewart is going to be on Game of Thrones. Seriously, if at some point in the 5th book or in the unwritten 6th or 7th books that Arya Stark decides to create an all women’s brigade to go and kill whatever Lannisters are still left at that point then Kristen Stewart as a member of her Queensguard would be pretty kick ass and I would imagine would look exactly like this.

So, what’s happening?

Snow White is a knight or has the skills of a knight at some point in these movies.

Originally, I thought this movie had to do with the Huntsmen being an older wiser fighter of some sort who teaches the younger Kristen “The Cat” Stewart how to use an array of weapons to take down the Evil Queen. It was Buffy the Vampire Slayer set in the woods pretty much. I remember hearing rumors about Sean Bean or Viggo oh Viggo as the elder weapons enthusiast Huntsmen. But I guess that got thrown to the wayside because Thor is the Huntsmen.

 

I also read that the Huntsmen was not supposed to be a love interest even with his expanded role.

I would venture to guess that is getting thrown to the way side as well. You don’t cast Muscles McGee to play the Huntsmen across from Kristen Stewart for her not to want the shit out of those muscles. So expect a love story there. I would be SHOCKED if there wasn’t. Thor is not much of a father figure, but I’m sure he gives a hell of a spanking. Oooohhh look how saucy I am this morning. Put a face in her tweeter and spanking the “who’s your daddy?” way.

They released two more character pictures and from the looks of one… it only emphasizes even more how much the Huntsmen will be the love interest…

 

Yeah… no love for that guy.

First, he’s in black and his hair is slicked back and he’s giving us the blue steel face. That guy isn’t getting a piece of Kristen Stewart’s tweeter in this movie unless he date rape drugs her with pancakes. You know what I’m saying?! You go girl! And all that.

This guy is most assuredly bad and the Huntsmen is good. Seriously, how many times do we have to see this type of character design? Did you all pretend like you haven’t seen Sweet Home Alabama or Leap Year?

Obviously, Kristen “The Cat” Stewart is either Reese Witherspoon or Amy Adams… which ever you prefer. Same storyline though. Tough modern chick making decisions and a real working woman not resigning herself to fate and in the process is lonesome and ends up spending her life seeking out a male companion. And she’s got a choice in front of her… either go with scruffles – Josh Lucas or Matthew Goode – or go with sleek and pressed – Patrick Dempsey or Adam Scott? That’s the movie.

Then there is the QUEEN… oh yes… the QUEEN… and she’s beautiful and evil and it’s Charlize Theron…

 

It’s funny with the three Snow White movies and all these other Disney live action remakes going around that I couldn’t remember who was directing what. When I saw these pictures, especially this one of Charlize, I remembered Tarsem Singh was directing one of these things and thought – well that looks like something Tarsem Singh would come up with. But Tarsem is doing the other Snow White, not the one in China, but the other one with Lilly Collins – remember? Nevertheless, this evil Zelda or female Ganadorf inspired Theron get-up is from Rupert Sanders… that is director Rupert Sanders.

http://www.rupertsanders.com

If you don’t know who Rupert Sanders is or are unfamiliar with his work – don’t fret because no one is.

Rupert is a TV commercial director and this is his first movie. YAY FOR HIM! You go Rupert! Next they’ll be making a movie about you! And that’s the dream, isn’t it?

Actually, Rupert’s TV commercials are quite good. He did a few Halo commercials, some Nike commercials et cetera. They’re all on his website to peruse. I am excited to see what Rupert can do. I remember a TV commercial director that got his first movie with a big remake and it turned out quite well… Zack Snyder.

I’m interested in this Snow White remake just because why not. I’m interested to see Cowboys & Aliens on Friday. My movie taste isn’t just Schindler’s List and Shawshank Redemption. Let’s have some fun in there. I like fun. I like chicks. I like chicks kicking ass. I really like chicks kicking ass actually. I love women’s MMA. I love Sucker Punch and I’ll be interested to see this.

Right now, it looks like the movie has changed from the original idea of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to a more straight forward kind of Sword in the Stone story where a younger person who is not known for the combat abilities is taught to fight back against an evil-doer with their sword and shield and their ring mail and then over the course of the film they’ll get to have that battle. There are two things that worry me though:

1. The dwarves.

2. Is this still a trilogy?

I really hope it isn’t a trilogy. There is barely enough story in the original Snow White story to even sit around and make a kids movie out of it. It isn’t some epic tale. I’m pretty 100% certain you can tell a tale about Snow White getting taken to the woods by some brawny and awfully young huntsmen to be executed and then he’s like “wait a minute, you’re a cute chick and I’ll teach you some woodsy martial arts, so you can kill that evil queen”. That can be told in 90 minutes. What else is there? Oh yeah, the dwarves!

One picture that eluded the Comic Con fans and the internet as a whole was a picture of 7 dwarves with hilarious nicknames. Funniest thing I think about these Snow White remakes is that… whoever gave a fuck about Snow White? It was the DWARVES that got all the talk. Right? Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Speedy, Gassy, and Danny DeVito. Those were the dwarves that stole the show. It seems to me they are cutting out the meat of the memory of that Disney movie. It’s a chick in a house in the woods with seven dwarves and they sing songs. What is all this stuff about learning crowbows and ninja flips with the Huntsmen?

This is what I’m thinking… Rupert can take that Captain America shrinking ray they used on Chris Evans and turn a bunch of average sized actors who the prettiest faces into dwarves. Right? Eat that dwarf boys! Fuck you. Fuck you you dwarf. HAHAHAHAH!!! We’re going to make the Huntsmen the main character and relegate the dwarves to… well… maybe nothing. But with the shrink ray, think about this… maybe they just use one person and shrink him down and then have them use the technology from Michael Keaton’s classic Multiplicity and there are seven of the same actor playing the dwarves!

Obviously… Rob. Am I right? Ole’ dwarfy Rob. That would be great. Or maybe him and Taylor. Tay Tay the dwarf! Oh I can picture it now and it is glorious.

..

.

Seriously though, I would like to think this movie does not verge on Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland territory. That movie sucked and I know it was more cartoony, but it looks similar right now. If it’s not that way then I think this movie is looking almost Tarsem Singh like as mentioned. Rupert does seem to handle action in a more gritty than fantastical way in his commercials at least, which could make this good.

I just find it funny that every time there is a re-envisioning of something that it is always to “make it darker”. Whatever that supposedly means? Yeah, make it darker. Make Spider-Man darker. Make Alice in Wonderland darker. Make all the Brothers’ Grimm tales darker. Make King Arthur darker. Let’s make the Smurfs darker. How about the storyline for the new Smurfs movie is that the Papa Smurf is sent a DVD of Smurfette in a snuff film. Yeah! And then the Smurf gang must come to New York City to raid porn clubs and bondage bars to find the seedy underbelly of snuff films in the big city and then get their revenge on them with mutilation and death like it’s the Smurfs meets 8MM. Yeah… that’s make it DARKER!

I don’t think everything needs to be “dark”.

We’ll have to see though. I originally said I wanted to see a fight scene with Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron where it’s a pretty knockdown drag out cat fight and ends up with Charlize smashing Kristen’s face into the infamous mirror and then Kristen takes a shard of glass from that mirror and kills Charlize with it (stab or slash the throat… your choice) and that would be my movie with Kristen all raggid and bloody and showing some skin and Charlize bloody and dead lying on her throne room floor. Seems like there is a chance that could happen in this movie. *fingers crossed*

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12 Responses to “Are There Still Dwarves In This Movie or Did The Huntsmen Eat Them?”

  1. Nix said

    Why’d ya hafta take the poor Smurfs THERE?! You, sir, have a sick, sick mind…

  2. Nix said

    Also I read somewhere that there will be dwarves, but minus Danny DeVito & plus Eddie Izzard & Bob Hoskins. With grandiose names like Constantine, Tiberius & … Gus.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Constantine, Tiberius and Gus? And they’re dwarves? These are some gay sex slave sounding characteristics.

  3. PWG said

    The Prince looks like James Franco. The mirror on the wall might have mentioned to Charlize that her hair and outfit are fugly. What is that, a Toblerone motif?

  4. PWG said

    If the Batman movies get any darker they’re just going to be a black screen with audio of Christian Bale talking to his therapist for 90 minutes.

    Also: why are they remaking Spider-man? If origin stories are the most boring superhero movies, why do they keep doing the same ones over and over and over and over? Superman, Hulk, Batman, Spider-man. Stop it already, just invent some new goddamn characters. You can go directly to the big screen so no one can bitch about how much it deviates from the comic (sorry, graphic novel).

  5. cledbo said

    Oh I’ve missed you so. So many posts to catch up on. I did read all of this one, and skimmed the others (I want to see Cap’n America first before reading, to see whether we continue to be separated at birth re: our taste in movies).

    Where is the chick version of a Charlize/Kristen smackdown movie? Where’s the movie with no plot but has shirtless Chris Hemsworth fighting shirtless Sam Worthington, to decide who is king of the Aussie superhunks? I think we need SuckerPunch for girls (and no, that isn’t just every action movie ever made – think 300 but with less…actually, yeah, just think 300. But MORE David Wenham).

    PWG – I also thought Mr Literally Dark Knight was James Franco. I’m far too lazy to go check though.

  6. Gretchen, stop trying to make Calla Lilly happen.

    These normal-sized actors need to stop stealing roles from little people. (I typed “rolls” at first and laughed at the idea. Bullies! Little folk need to eat, too.) Every one of the 7 dwarves should be played by Peter Dinklage. It will be his Nutty Professor and/or Norbit. In other words: HIS GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT. Scrap the dark idea, demote Snow White and her Huntsman to side characters, and make it a dwarf-led comedy. I smell an Academy Award or 20.

    Anyway, I can’t get excited about this movie because I think Bella and Thor have zero acting talent between the two of them. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.

    • PWG said

      Bellathor. Thorbella.

      I’d rather see Peter Dinklage as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise.

      • cledbo said

        Tom Cruise is not Jack Reacher, any moreso than Shia Lebouf is someone who could pull Rosie whatsherface. Or Mila Kunis is someone who men *don’t* want to constantly bone.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        What movie lies the devil’s lies and says men don’t want to constantly bone Mila Kunis? Friends with Benefits? Well, now I’ll definitely never see that movie.

        I would suggest that you all use “The Secret” that Oprah taught us and just throughout the day send positive thoughts West toward Hollywood saying that you hope the movie never happens or that Tom Cruise remembers he’s supposed to be making “The Hardy Men” with Ben Stiller.

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