Zombies On The Brain… Better Than Zombies EATING My Brain

July 27, 2011

Last night, I was thinking about zombies.

In truth, I could say that about many “last night” scenarios. I think about zombies a good deal. I also think about ninjas and Hulk Hogan a good deal. And dinosaurs. How sweet would it be if Hulk Hogan led a ninja army riding dinosaurs against a zombie horde? Best movie ever or BEST MOVIE EVER? It’s really kind of the best way of thinking. Every once and a while you pepper in a thought like “Kate Beckinsale’s ass”. I mean every day is a mystery and a prize. It is just like it’s 8am “what if I could use telepathy to talk to my dog and then use my dog to form a mini dog army of the local dogs of this area of New Jersey and at night we would fight crime?” Then a few minutes later you’re like “Kelly Brook’s boobs” and it’s all smiles.

Ok, so ZOMBIES!

Apparently, there is some bad news about The Walking Dead. The creator and showrunner Frank Darabont has stepped down from his showrunner position. I know it’s not the most mature thing for me to say, but I just think that is awfully not-straight of him. Screw you, Frank Darabont.

Darabont’s reasoning is that he is a FILM guy and this is TV and he isn’t used to or fond of the TV grind. Not to be confused with MTV’s The Grind which was more or less my generations Soul Train, which I also used to watch. Do you know how I knew that cartoons were over for the day? SOUL TRAIN! On WPIX 11, I would watch cartoons like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for hours and then at some point the programming would switch to Soul Train and that is when I knew it was either time to learn about black folk/my parent’s generation or go outside and play. Sometimes I chose the former; sometimes I chose the latter. Anyway, that was part of my childhood. Another part was listening to a lot of Seal, Michael Jackson, and Metallica. All true things are being said in today’s post.

Well, what does this mean for The Walking Dead?

It’s certainly not a positive. Hopefully, it won’t be too much of a negative. He says he’ll probably remain on in some type of capacity. That’s good. This is a similar situation as Lost. JJ Abrams was part of the creation of Lost and I believe he directed the first couple episodes and had his hands in more of the first season, but then went back to directing movies and so forth during the other seasons and really shifting all the power of the show to Lindelof and Cuse. So, there’s that. For some that is not comforting and to others it is. The thing about The Walking Dead is that they have ZOMBIES and we’re already 95% on board with this show because of that because they’re the best. So, really they just need to keep the other 5% going and in there they can throw in a lot of violence, tension, and sex scenes and we’re all happy on this zombie boat together taking this S.S. The Walking Dead for many seasons to come.

In light of all this…

I thought I would augment some storylines of books that I would never read to a storyline that I would read. Almost exactly like the idea of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It’s really just to prove a point about how much better all these books would be with a little help from ME and ZOMBIES.

Here is a list of the SUPPOSEDLY Top 10 Best Selling Books of 2011 for WOMEN… and then my adjustments…

(I’m not sure if these are the top 10 books, but I found a website that says they are, so they might be)

1. Falling Star by Diana Dempsey

A brilliant first novel by Diana Dempsey, Fallen Star tells the story of a woman who is about to get dumped from her exalted position as news anchor at a TV station. She is getting too old, her boss has one eye on the budget, a younger, cheaper model might suit the financial backers better. Her husband has left her, her life is falling apart.

This a book many of us can relate to, even though most of us have never worked in a television studio Natalie Daniels is a feisty woman going through some rough patches in her life, but maintaining a sense of humor that lets us all relate to her.

I want to throw-up. Is this the shit you women read?! Oh my God. Anyway, no judgements, right? Well, obviously, Natalie Daniels decides to take drastic measures to preserve her looks even with her advanced age because everyone is leaving her for superficial reasons. Natalie finds a doctor who isn’t so highly recommended, but he has a brand new series of injections similar to botox, but that have miraculous results. Natalie struggles with the decision, but she ends up allowing herself to see this doctor and get this new secret formula. Immediately, Natalie see positive results, UNBELIEVABLE results, she’s never looked younger and more full of life.

Then the side-effects!

Natalie craves human flesh and most especially bloody bloody brains. She begins feeding at night, first on small animals and then on her neighbor Claire and her husband Alec. After a few weeks of this horror, her face and skin begin to rot and fall apart. She tries to get more injections, but she can’t find the doctor anywhere. He’s disappeared! Natalie is full of rage and wants to get revenge on the people that have drove her to sacrifice everything! Her job, her husband, his new wife! AHHH!

Natalie is a zombie … looking for vengeance!

2. Water for Elephants: A Novel by Sara Gruen

A must-read. You will love this tale of a young man who runs away to join the circus during the Depression years. Told from the memories of octogenarian Jacob Jankowski, as he languishes in his hated nursing home, the book brings to life the poverty, cruelty and mix of human nature and human frailties brought together in this delicious mix.

Jacob was a young man just about to finish vetinary college when his parents are killed. Finding himself penniless, he joins The Flying Squadron of the Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth primarily to take care of the exotic circus animals. Sara Gruen has seamlessly brought to life the colorful characters who make up the circus and intertwines a complicated love story too that will leave you feeling sad when the book ends.

Easy… ZOMBIE CIRCUS!!! A zombie elephant doesn’t need water, so that solves a major problem in the story. Instead, Jacob is brought in to help corral the zombie animals with his knowledge from veterinary school as well as the fact that his parents were killed by zombie animals, so he has really nothing to lose with this job. The story from there with the burgeoning love between Jacob and whatever the name of the character that Reese Witherspoon played can continue. This time though that love affair is set against the backdrop of Great Depression America being traveled by a ZOMBIE CIRCUS. As for Christoph Waltz’s character is more mad scientist than just circus runner. Add in that part of Jacob’s job is to feed these zombies the brains of people or animals that Jacob and some others get from killing locals who attend the circus and disappear never to be seen from again. And the climax can be the same with the tent falling and a fire being set or whatever the end of the original book is.

3. Sexy Forever: How to Fight Fat after Forty by Suzanne Somers.

In this book Suzanne Somers outlines and identifies the chemicals and toxins both in food and in our environment that can destroy the workings of a normal metabolism and cause us to be unable to lose weight. Also included are healthy recipes and gentle exercises to help us lose weight and maintain that loss, and advice on how to get that weight off quickly and easily. How to Fight fat after forty has been widely critiqued with the general consensus being is that the advice offered by Suzanne Somers not only works really well, but has been life-changing for many.

Suzanne Somers is a zombie. ’nuff said.

4. Room:A Novel by Emma Donoghue

5 year old Jack lives in Room with his mother (Ma). He has never known anywhere else but this 11 x 11 room where they both live, and knows nothing of a world outside.

Again – is this the shit you women really read?!

Well, the kid is a zombie. The mother is deranged obviously (in my book and this original). It’s sort of like Let the Right One In where it’s a human raising a monster child. The mother will leave time to time to commit murder and feed the 5 year old zombie child brains and blood and stuff that the child considers normal. We find out later that the boy is actually her dead son from SIDS or carbon monoxide poisoning or something (I know this got really sad) and she turned the kid into a zombie so that he would be alive in some state for her to raise him still. At some point, the woman gets older and feeble or maybe she just has enough of all the death and commits suicide or maybe she just tragically dies out one night on one of her murder sprees. With the mother gone, the kid is left alone – he does eventually get out of the room and sees the world for the first time. What happens next? You’ll have to pay me to write this book and then you gots to read it.

6. Cleopatra: A Life is written by renowned historian and authoress Stacy Schiff.

It is an accurate and in-depth biography of the life of this amazing woman, written in such a way that engages the reader.

Hahahahah… clearly whoever wrote this didn’t read this. Just a vague sentence. Well, Cleopatra is a zombie and SHE’S BACK! Cleopatra: An AFTER-Life. And Cleopatra is creating a zombie army that is taking over Egypt.

7. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest

This is a deluxe, slip-cased set of the three hardcover novels—each unjacketed, bound in full cloth and uniquely stamped, with maps and individual full-color endpapers—as well as On Stieg Larsson, a previously unpublished collection of essays about and correspondence with the author.

The books are described as tautly-written crime thrillers with mystery elements.

Would make a great gift!

If you want to give a gift of rape and graphic murder mixed in with an enormously boring subplot of subplots. Well, we could just make Lisbeth Salander a zombie. That would be really goth, right? Maybe that lawyer guy raped her and killed her in the first book and that’s when she came back to life as the revenge driven zombie goth computer nerd detective or something. Maybe she’s always been a zombie. Either way, I stand by my stance that no one woman should walk alone without a firearm in Sweden. These books have got to be the worst for Sweden’s tourism.

8. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks

It tells the story of Katie, on the run from her violent ex-husband, who seeks refuge in a small community where she tried to keep herself to herself.

In the course of the story she falls in love again, but Kevin is still looking for her.

Will he find her?

I would hope Kevin finds her or this will be a boring ass book. If he doesn’t find her then isn’t it a book about a chick living a below the radar life in a small town and nothing happens? Anyway, Kevin is a zombie. OBVIOUSLY. Before Katie ran away she killed Kevin thinking that would be the end of it, but when she buried his body on an old sacred Indian grounds, Kevin rose from the grave to eat her brains.

9. The Perfect Christmas by Debbie Macomber

Cassie Beaumont seeks the help of professional matchmaker Simon Dodson, to help her in her quest for love and marriage.

Simon claims to have a perfect match for her, but insists she complete three tasks for him first. They are all about Christmas. The first is to become a charity bell-ringer, the second to dress up as one of Santa’s elves at a children’s party, and the third is to prepare a traditional turkey Christmas dinner.

Will she succeed? Will she find love?

Oh my God! NOT STRAIGHT! This may be the worst of the bunch so far. If anything would drive me gay it would be the thought that this is what all women want or think like. Thank God women have beautiful bodies with their boobs and butts and legs and backs and their necks and lips and stuff because if this is the shit that you like then you’re all idiots. What? What guy is going to make a girl do this bullshit and what girl is going to fawn over doing it and someone have to worry if she’ll succeed? Cook a turkey? Besides that being more sexist than anything I just said, it’s FUCKING EASY TO DO! It’s a turkey! You put the oven on, put the turkey in the oven, and then wait. That’s the key to making a turkey. Sure, you can add in stuff like stuffing the turkey and all that, but it’s still not rocket science.

Fuck this book. Fuck it in its stupid ass. Fuck Debbie Macomber. Fuck her. Fuck that idiot. This is absolutely insulting. Will she find love? I fucking hope not. Fuck that bitch. Fuck her. I hope she dies barren and alone. This book doesn’t deserve zombies. If anything I hope zombies come to life in real life and tear Debbie Macomber to pieces. NEXT!

10. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

It’s a brilliant story about a young white woman who takes an interest in the plight of black women during the Civil Rights movement in the early 1960s.

Set in Mississippi, the book is built around 3 main characters – Minnie and Aibileen two black maids, and college graduate white woman Eugenia Skeeter Phelan.

From I gather in the trailer it’s basically a young white chick with the aid of her technically not-slaves writing a book about the town’s gossip. I suggest making the two black maids zombies to make it less offensive that this white chick has pretty much slaves and instead just has zombie slaves, which is better in my opinion. Anyway, the zombie maids help her write the book because no one thinks zombies have any intuition and let slip all their juicy details around them, but then they take them back to Emma Stone and she writes them down. In the end, the book is a big success and then the zombie women eat Emma Stone.

The end.

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11 Responses to “Zombies On The Brain… Better Than Zombies EATING My Brain”

  1. PWG said

    Off topic, but regarding yesterday’s post: just saw an advertisement for Jon Huntsman’s presidential campaign and realized if that Hemsworth dude was running for President in character as The Huntsman, I’d totally vote for him. I would love to see the US President show up to summit meetings all greasy and dirty and carrying a big-ass axe. “We’re going back to the Dark Ages, boys!” Although, is that character British? Or did Disney just English-up my childhood by making all their animated queens and witches speak with an English accent? Where exactly are these woods of Snow White? Okay, back on topic.

  2. PWG said

    Not gonna lie, your addition of zombie plots and subplots has improved each and every one of those books.

    I know some people love the Nicholas Sparks. I haven’t seen The Notebook, just the AMC trailer thingy where they have Ryan Gosling dubbed in talking about cleaning up Trixie’s barf at the vet’s. I can’t believe the actual movie dialogue is better, since it looks like the Rachel McAdams dialogue is actually from the movie: “I waited for you, for SEVEN years. Now it’s too late. Also, I’m fucking drowning out here in this fake movie backlot thunderstorm.”

    Anywho, I would like to cagefight Nicholas Sparks to the death. I read one book by him, and I can’t even remember which one. I looked up all his book plots on Amazon, and none of them sound at all familiar, which means my magical wish to forget his shitty book must have been granted. Here’s the plot to one of them, though:

    “In his 13th book, bestselling Sparks (At First Sight, etc.) limns the far-reaching implications of several seemingly ordinary choices made by Beaufort, N.C. veterinarian Travis Parker and his next-door neighbor Gabrielle Holland, a physician’s assistant and recent arrival. After an inauspicious first meeting where Gabby accuses Travis’s boxer of impregnating her purebred collie, the two fall hard for each other.”

    What. The. Fuck.

    I also see he wrote these: Nights in Rodanthe, Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember. I recognize these as movie titles. All of these books, plus The Notebook, were made into movies, and each and every one of them sounded so fucking horrible to me that I did not see ANY of them. Ever. And I see a ton of movies. A pox on the house of Nicholas Sparks.

    • A friend finally forced me to watch The Notebook about 2 years ago-ish and it was terrible. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!” What? No. Fuck that. Neither of you are birds. You’re two young, attractive white humans. Now get to humpin’.

      Also, the plot of his new book up there is basically just Sleeping With The Enemy. So I think he’s just resorted to stealing plots from Julia Roberts movies at this point.

  3. PWG said

    Here’s another of Sparks’ “plots”:

    Charming, divorced Jeremy Marsh is a rising star. As a dashing, successful 37-year-old Manhattan science journalist, his skeptical scrutiny of ineffective antidepressants, cults and television clairvoyants has caught the eye of North Carolina restaurant owner Doris McClellan, who invites Jeremy to bucolic Boone Creek to scoop the story of eerie mystery lights appearing in an ancient cemetery. A diviner who can predict the sex of unborn babies, Doris suspects the lights are a ghostly curse.

    Who the hell is buying this man’s books?

  4. I’m pretty sure Suzanne Somers already is a zombie so that doesn’t count as a rewrite.

    I would read your versions before I’d read most of these others. So you should probably just write them. You could be the zombie-obsessed Weird Al of chick lit.

  5. PWG said

    I just saw this, about the Stieg Larsson books:

    The books are described as tautly-written crime thrillers with mystery elements.

    Um, tautly-written? Didn’t they read the part where we get a detailed rundown of every single item Salander bought at IKEA? Because that shit was integral to the plot.

    “He put on a pot of coffee and made himself two sandwiches. He had not eaten a proper meal all day, but he was strangely uninterested in food. He offered the cat a piece of sausage and some liverwurst. After drinking the coffee, he took the cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and opened the pack.”

    Yeah, that shit’s tautly-written, all right. You ever see one of those Bibles where the God dialogue is highlighted in red? I should put out a Stieg Larsson trilogy where the text that’s actually relevant to the story is highlighted in red. I’d make a million.

  6. […] Zombies On The Brain… Better Than Zombies EATING My Brain … […]

  7. Nix said

    Hoo Boy! Bad Nicholas Sparks! Bad! Have read 1 of his books & the inclusion of zombies would not have been a bad thing. Judging from above I don’t need to add any more of his books to my reading list. I was wanting to read the Dragon Tattoo Girl books but now….?

    Go on Jordan, write us Zombie books! Puhleaze? And think of the movie deals. Hell, why not write zombie’s into Twilight. “Bella, the daughter of a Zombie, the wife of a Vampire, the mother of a half-breed & the mother-in-law of a werewolf…” What happens next? Oh the suspense. That’s a foundation for an awesome plot right there.

  8. cledbo said

    Fuck work, that’s all I can say.

    Zombies make everything better- this much you have proved. After rewatching Zombieland last weekend whilst hungover I have determined that the only things which can improve on zombies is Bill Murray, or British accents (i.e. Shaun of the Dead, aka greatest zombie movie of all time because it has tea and pints of lager involved.

    I must to bed in order to get up at 5am for a flight to a place no one wants to go to. No really. Look up Port Augusta and tell me if you want to go there. I will hopefully have time to log on to my craptastic work computer to read the next delicious nugget to emerge from your brain, and if I do I will bitch some more about work as well as praise you. A girl has needs you know!

  9. Go pick someone else. I won't waste my time with you. said

    THE WOMEN IN YOUR FAMILY ARE YOUR “HOLY PEOPLE”!!! THEY ARE YOUR INTERFACE WITH THE GODS!!!
    Their role throughout history is to communicate the god’s wisdom so the entire family can progress when reincarnated. Effectively acomplishing this task may buy them a quality opportunity to ascend in their next life.

    Your job as a future mother is to learn the god’s ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today’s society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today’s environment.
    Your ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don’t want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
    1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don’t be deceived into thinking that is the goal.

    Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today’s modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust. They used this Situation to bury Japanese atrocities. And since the gods never committed despite tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters/tragedy they will employ the freedom they positioned into the Situation and CHEAT me out of everything.
    It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL “Second Coming of Christ”, while the “fake” Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
    What I teach is the god’s true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian “consolation prize” of “1000 years with Jesus on Earth” begins.

    The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
    It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god’s positioning proves they work to prevent people’s understanding.
    How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
    The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
    I believe much as the Noah’s Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for “1000 years with Jesus on Earth”.
    In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine “cures” aging, the “manufacture” of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free cocaine (space coke), etc.
    Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to “die off”, literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry throughout the course of history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
    Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
    If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new colonist poulation, the proverbial “apple” of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.

    Consistant with “reverse positioning” understand the REAL Second Coming would equate with The Matrix’s Anti-Christ, the fake battle of good and evil which will come at the end.
    Understanding how they use the political environment to redefine people’s value system, realize anyone who speaks of the old world and its ways will envoke hatred. So when/if the Anti-Christ comes along speaking of reverting back to what liberalism would consider regressive and unfair, it may be the only hope to salvage the god’s favor and buy more time rather than begin the 1000 year clock. The fake Second Coming will feed into this political enviornment.
    Also consistant with “reverse positioning” recognize the gods will offer a REAL Anti-Christ, also known as The Beast. I have addressed these issues in years past::::
    The gods will offer clues throughout every dynamic of life. Geographical features on the world map is yet another.
    The Beast is not a person, as the xtian Bible would suggest. It is a place:::The San Francisco Bay Area. And it refers to the socio-political poison the region exuded in the latter 20th century which promoted indecent behavior among the people and caused rapid deterioration of their favor among the gods. This decay spread to other states and countries, fulfilling the region’s role as The Beast of the Apocalypse.
    Another feature which the Gods offer as a clue is very foreboading. Mt. Zion is a mountain to the north of the eye of The Beast Diablo and one which has a working quarry at its base. Consistant with the decay we experience in society, Mt. Zion is being eaten away, slowly stripped of its resources, until one day paradise will be gone forever.

    The Dark Side of the Moon isn’t the side which is hidden from us. The benevolent “Man in the Moon” is the one we never see.
    We experience the wickedness of the dark side daily through their positioning, midleading the disfavored into Damnation by selling them on “earning”.

    AIDS in Africa was a clue from the gods regarding their sexual behavior, as was female genitile mutilation. Their positioning says Italian revenge.

    For thousands of years the gods have utilized birth defects to punish those who have been wicked in prior lives. In the 20th century, in an attempt to minimize their culpability the gods shifted responsibility to mothers willing to injest biotechnology products.
    The gods used these products throughout the economy as a way for fund managers to subsidize dismal returns, maintaining their employment and keeping the investors at bay:::
    Biotechnology wild profits used to prop up mutual fund returns, condemning common man who has 401k or retirement.

    The gods have no sexual organs. The reproduce via cloning. They don’t respect sex. You can understand this clue with how the most disfavored around us behave sexually.
    The gods take children because of their innocence and purity. When a child ascends into heaven AI relieves them of this temptation that is their sexual organs.

    The gods sent a powerful clue corraberating what I have said about Civil Rights in years past when Irene cancelled the MLK Jr. Memorial dedication.

    Don’t forget:::Whether slavery, torture, any holocaust, crack babies, drive by shootings, AIDS or any other msery inflicted on mankind throughout history know the gods did this to you for evil of your past lives.

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