I’m Just Second Hand News, I’m Just Second Hand Newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

July 28, 2011

That “news” is of course MOVIE NEWS! The best kind of news! Yay-hay!

I could give you other news. Political news like the Republicans not even voting for their own proposals, which is INcredible. I could give you football news like Reggie Bush just got signed to the Miami Dolphins, which has a lot of positives, but it all hinges on whether or not Bush can stay healthy. I could give you baseball news like that they still play it. I could give you nudie news like Kelly Rowland took nudie pictures to promote her new album, which is great although those pictures look like they were taken in a time portal and seem eerily similar to Janet Jackson’s pictures from the mid-90’s… but there is another bit of nudie news that brings us back to movie news and that is Olivia Wilde is nude in Cowboys & Aliens…

I saw there was an article about it on Yahoo, but I didn’t read it. Oh tell us Olivia what was it like to be naked? Cold? Ahahah… you don’t say?! Hahah we’re having fun here. Also, it’s not like I’m going to get to see anymore of Olivia in that nekkid scene than I have already in other scenes or magazine photoshoots of the like. I mean the movie is PG-13, so it’s not like that scene is going to play out with full frontal of Olivia Wilde and then her dropping down to all fours and crawling around sticking her butt up into the air like a cat to allow her pheromones to saturate the surrounding air and put all the aliens and nearby men into a frenzy so that they fight a Battle Royale to the death to who gets to mount the prized piece of House and The OC ass. Although, that would be quite a riveting scene.

As for Cowboys & Aliens, it comes out tomorrow and I read one positive review of the one reviews I have read. I think the movie should be fun and it can’t make any less sense than Favreau’s Iron Man movies, so that’s good. As a whole, I really like Favreau as a director and I’m excited to see what he’s going to do with this. My problems with the movie is that some of it – namely that night scene where the aliens first arrive – looks kind of shitty. Another problem is that from the trailers it feels like there are a bunch of scenes where a group of guys surround Daniel Craig and they’re like “who are ye?” and he’s like “I don’t know” and they’re like “wha? ye don’t know who ye arrrrrrre? then we’re gonna attack ya” and then he’s like “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” and then he does a whole bunch of Bourne Identity fast hands stuff and they’re all on the ground and he’s still standing.

Whatever. I’m hoping the rest is good. The stuff with them riding around the desert on horseback fighting the aliens looks good. I’ll be seeing it.

I’m just second hand news, I’m just second hand newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

THE HUNGER GAMES!!!!

I couldn’t honestly give a fuck about these movies, but I know they’re popular and with that I feel compelled to look at their updates and so forth. There were 3 pictures released so far and here they are. They’re very completely not compelling in the least bit.

Just two dudes walking through the forest. Just duding it up, dudes.

No way we could possibly look in the same direction because that’s gay. Everyone knows that.

It’s totally not gay when we are looking in opposite directions like we’re unaware of each other being only a foot from each other. I’m on my dude walking journey in the forest and you are on yours, ok? No crossing streams! Ok? I mean that’s super gay if you do that, so yeah. And those are some sweet pants you’re wearing and that’s just a total straight comment, I’m just going to stop talking.

They all laughed at me at the bakery, they all laughed at me.

BUT WHO IS LAUGHING NOW?!!!!

Uhhh… hey buddy, I think you left the oven on too long or too high, I’m not sure, but I think the bakery you are currently working at is burning to the ground right behind you. You might want to check on that.

It’s not exactly a rash or even a poison ivy reaction, I think it’s just using leaves to wipe your butthole is not good for you for an extended period of time no matter what. So there’s that. I mean that’s definitely a negative about myself, but it’s a new negative, but it’s such a negative that I have to mention it. It’s not a negative about me usually. You know usually I use toilet paper, but we’re out in these woods and I have had to make due when I’m doing my doo doo. That’s a bad joke. Sorry about that. I’m kind of ruining the mood, but … well … do you still want to fuck? I heard it’s really liberating having sex outdoors in the woods… of course minus my whole crotch/butthole rash.

Well, there’s that.

I’m just second hand news, I’m just second hand newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

Do you want to see the worst movie trailer of all time ever?

Yes you do!

OH MY GOD!

That is absolutely the new low. If anyone was wondering where Hollywood’s new low was – THERE IT IS!

That was seemingly a movie about the board game Battleship.

That was a movie about the board game Battleship directed by Peter Berg who has directed such films as The Rundown, Friday Night Lights and The Kingdom and featuring a cast of famous people like Taylor Kitsch, Aleksander Skarsgard, Brooklyn Decker, apparently Rihanna is in it as well, and Liam Neeson and it appears to have quite a special effects budget with an IMDB reported movie budget of $200,000,000.

So… when people blame the “consumer” for what is wrong in Hollywood, I would like to point at this movie. WHAT FUCKING CONSUMER ASKED FOR A $200,000,000 MOVIE TO BE MADE ABOUT THE FUCKING BOARD GAME BATTLESHIP?! NO ONE! NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS!!! NEVER! IT’S FUCKING THE PRODUCERS WHO ARE AT FAULT!!! STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM!!! WE ARE THE VICTIM!!! WE ARE THE ONES BEING RAPED WITH MOVIES LIKE BATTLESHIP!!! THIS MOVIE IS RAPING OUR SOCIETY!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I would also like to add that this movie is nothing like board game Battleship. That may be the funniest part. Hollywood cannot get anything right. First, there shouldn’t be a movie about Battleship. Second, if there was a movie about Battleship wouldn’t it be about battleships dueling each other out in the open waters? I mean that’s what the game is, right? But this movie is about aliens. Did you expect that the movie about the board game Battleship was going to be about aliens? ALIENS?

I don’t remember aliens playing a role in the board game Battleship. I guess I missed that bit.

Lastly, the board game Battleship sucks. And I think all the people associated with this movie should be punished. I humbly submit my own expertise for punishing Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna. I will leave the rest to be punished by you all. I think we should maybe execute Peter Berg and anyone who had anything to do with green-lighting this movie.

Well…

I’m just second hand news, I’m just second hand newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

Let’s leave this Thursday on a positive or at least the very least a positive for me…

HAYWIRE!!!!

LOVE IT!

I love things. I love America. I love bacon. I love football. I love roundhouse spin kicks. I love Gina Carano. I love freedom.

In that list of somethings I love, you may notice the kick one and the Gina Carano one and you might notice that those two things happen a lot in this trailer, so I love it.

Listen, I see it. I see that the acting isn’t the best, but who the fuck cares?! Honestly! I’ve read some complaining by people who are like the acting doesn’t look the best or the storyline seems overly complicated and blah blah fucking blah. Did you not see the part where Gina Carano was beating the fuck out of Channing Tatum?! Did you not see the part where Gina Carano was beating the fuck out of Michael Fassbender?! Did you not see the part where Gina Carano was beating the fuck out of other people who I don’t know the names of and then later she’s obviously going to beat the fuck out of Ewan McGregor?! DID YOU NOT SEE THAT?!

Those parts look great. Like great great. The rest, I don’t care. The movie seems more or less like a Bourne Identity movie filled with top name actors to be used as a foil for Gina Carano to either beat the fuck out of them or maybe just beat the fuck out of them… it looks like Bill Paxton may be the only person in this movie who doesn’t have the fuck beaten out of them.

As for the acting or the storyline or anything, as long as the movie does a good job with handling the action scenes and doesn’t try to suffocate us with the rest then we’re fine. I watch the movie Bloodsport at least 6 times a year and in the process of watching that movie, I’ve never thought to myself that JCVD should get an Oscar for his acting. He should get an Oscar for being fucking bad-fucking-ass. That’s the Oscar he wins. That’s the Oscar he wins every damn time. And it looks like Gina Carano could win that too if the movie plays out like this trailer does.

So there’s that. Happy ending.

I guess… questions for Friday?

 

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3 Responses to “I’m Just Second Hand News, I’m Just Second Hand Newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!”

  1. YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THE PICTURES IF YOU WOULD JUST READ THE BOOKS, JORDAN AAAARRRGGGHHHHH.

    There you go. Someone had to do it.

    I think maybe Battleship is supposed to be eye candy for the ladies and nothing more. I’ve seen lots of ladies going into heat on Twitter over it even though it looks like the biggest steaming pile ever.

    • PWG said

      Well I WAS looking forward to the Hunger Games movies. These pictures have dampened my interest.

      Related: Why does Entertainment Weekly continue to employ the shittiest airbrushing Photoshop hacks ever? What is with that awful faux bronzy glow everyone has?

  2. PWG said

    Sadly, I can’t see the Battleship trailer here. I must go seek it out and return.

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