I wanted to talk to you all about three things:

1. Submarine… or at least the first half of it

2. Teen Mom

3. Argo Tea

Why sit around licking each others’ metaphorical nipples, so let’s get down to business!

SUBMARINE

I’m watching this movie.

I’m halfway through it and I have some thoughts already about the movie that I feel I need to express to the people of this comatose world. First thing, it’s trying so hard to be the British Rushmore that I want to push it into a locker and shoot it with a paper clip from my rubber band pen gun. That’s first. It’s actually Welsh to be specific. It’s Harry Potter trying to sound like a deep thinker and a detached way too adult 15 year old who is filled from top to toes with quirky idiosyncrasies and doubts and a malaise for life. But, of course, there is a girl he likes. So there’s that. Always that. Anyway, it’s kind of what I expected in that much. I’m not really blown away or particularly interested by this kid or his ever present voice over that I guess is supposed to make me think he is something more than an annoying little Brit kid who thinks too much of himself. Hey kid, play with sticks or masturbate or something. I mean you’re the exact reason why I don’t fear the British. You’ve moved away from imperialists and moved towards tittering quick talking tea drinkers who wear turtlenecks and mock turtlenecks. I mean who is afraid of anyone in Burberry?

So far, the best part has been Paddy Considine and I don’t think he’s spoken more than 10 words. Right now, I have my fingers crossed that he takes over the whole movie in the next minute or so. He has a mustache/beard combo and a full mullett which he looks incredible in. He also has a black van that has a spray painted image of himself shooting a rainbow through a prism through out the universe. I’m kind of rooting against this main character and hope bad stuff happens to him so that Paddy takes over.

It’s shot well and done well I guess. As for the music which the guy from Arctic Monkeys is in charge of … I honestly can’t remember any particular music that stuck out. The movie started off with a touching sounding acoustic guitar song, which is what I expected, but then the music has really taken a back seat I feel. The kid’s voice over is way more apparent than the music.

Will see how the rest of this plays out.

TEEN MOM

I do watch this show, although halfway through each episode I sincerely wonder why. I usually get bored and my mind wonders what I’m doing and then wanders onto my iPhone or my laptop. I was thinking a lot last night while watching the episode that 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom would have not existed at all 100 years ago and not just because there was no TV. Back then – everyone was 16 and pregnant or a teen mom. For hundreds upon hundreds of years that was the general rule of thumb was being pregnant and a teen. You needed to be. Also, it wasn’t like there were other options. You were a chick, you could get pregnant, so you did. Dudes couldn’t get pregnant, so they were usually spent on that other aspect of life called killing – wars/animals and the like. But now, you don’t have to get pregnant – you instead can have fun working at a job! Or even do both! Life’s the greatest you know?

I also hate two of the girls on Teen Mom a lot. I can’t stand Farrah or Amber. Anytime they’re on screen I hate myself for spending time watching them. Especially Farrah. I am oddly fascinated by Amber and how she makes it through the day and here completely ridiculous baby daddy Gary who looks like he could be 50 years old and also looks like he’s going to die of sleep apnea always. Can people have awake apnea? If they can then Gary must have it. Gary is an unattractive human being and he is one of many that Amber has attracted throughout this season. She has been shown with three men (one being Gary) and they’re all worse than the next. Her most current debacle, Clinton, could possibly be the least attractive male I’ve seen this year. I can’t say for other years off the top of my head, but for 2011 I think that a homeless man would be a more viable sexual candidate than her slick faux hawked, weird teeth having, four eyed twerp friend Clinton. As for Farrah, she’s just a complete and utter bitch and her parents are airheads and her mother sounds like a bitch as well. They just sound like asses.

That leaves Maci and Catelynn. I like Maci. I think she needs to just go to school and get it over with. I know it has to be tough, but life is tough. You can’t just poop out a kid and then sit and watch that kid every second of its life even if you really want to. I won’t lie, her kid, Bentley, seems like the greatest. I don’t know if he is the oldest of the kids or what, but he is certainly the most social and talkative and has a personality and everything. As for Catelynn and Tyler, I root for these kids because they seem like kids like real kid’s kids. I don’t know why they’re so much on their own… well, that’s not true. It’s become abundantly clear that their parents have failed them in many respects and that’s why they have to be grown up even if they’re not ready. At the same time, I have no clue why Catelynn and Tyler are together. They seem friendly, but they don’t seem like they should be together.

I’m really just rooting for the show to end, so I can stop watching it. Next week does look like it gets crazy.

ARGO TEA

Friday night at like 3am in NYC, I grabbed an Argo Tea from a deli for a couple reasons. The first is I love buying the most ridiculous looking drinks especially when I’m drunk. I like going in there and grabbing some drink that is basically selling that it will give me X-Men powers because why not? What am I going to get? A Snapple? I’ve drank a million Snapples. I might as well get something absurd just for that reason. How bad could it really be? Well… somethings get bad. Never buy a yogurt drink. Those are disgusting. Anyway… I bought an Argo Tea.

This is their website… http://www.argotea.com but more importantly http://www.argotea.com/menu_signature_ready.shtml

The one I bought was the “mojitea”. I bought it 100% because of the label. I’m not even that much of a fan of mojitos, but I loved the label… it reads…

Refreshing Armenian mint tea, potassium and vitamin-filled lime juice, and pure cane sugar combine cooling sensations and sweet Cuban memories.

I’ve never drank a drink that promised me “sweet Cuban memories” and for fuck’s sake how could I not buy that?! Seriously, “sweet Cuban memories”? I would have regretted everyday of my life if I hadn’t bought that. I’ve never been to Cuba, but I’ve drank a mojitea and it did bring back some of those non-existent sweet Cuban memories. So thank you.

By the way, drinks are getting out of control as you can clearly see. We’re drinking wilder and wilder stuff and it is promising wilder and wilder results.

I think we’ve entered the age of “elixirs”.

That’s what I want to drink next with my cornbeef sandwich – an elixir.

….

..

.

So I’m sure you really wanted me to talk about elixirs, but if there is anything else I should be covering then please speak up. Or you’ll get more elixir talk.

 

These people are…

Matthew Fox. Elin Nordegren. Movie reviewers. The Hunger Games. Me.

Let’s go back to front…

First thing first- my dream last night was amazing.

It wasn’t so much last night as this morning, but you get the deal. I was on a reality show. In the dream, I was on a reality show where I was living with this guy/family. It appeared that he was rich and was rich from I think being an X-Games like motocross champion or something. Either way, this guy had this really wild house that led into caves and camp grounds and weird stuff like that. But the kicker was, the guy owned 7 wolves. They were pretty young most of them and we spent a good deal of time just playing with them. Petting and goofing around with wolves. That was fun. But the tour wasn’t over… remember those caves? We go into the caves and there are bears in the caves. BEARS! And those bears are his bears and we play with the bears.

The dream was a lot weirder than that because the bears could kind of glow in the dark and so forth. Nevertheless, I had to wake up at some point from a world where I was rasslin’ with wolves and bears for giggles and awake to a world where I’m lying in a bed alone with zero predatory animals that are my pets. Lame.

The Hunger Games

I saw the trailer.

I saw the teaser trailer, I mean.

I know it was only like a minute long and I can’t judge a movie on a minute (or can I?), but…

What in the hell was that?

Did I just watch a trailer for Twilight: New Moon 2.0 – now with bow action! What is with chicks walking around in the woods? Is that what you broads do? Guys leave you alone for a minute and you go wandering off into the woods? Stop it! You’re not supposed to be in the woods. There are wild animals in those woods that are not at all pettable. Real bears. Bears that will eat you. Also, you can’t trust like half the leaves or berries in those woods to be touched or eaten. Everything is semi-poisonous. What happened to going to the mall? I see people going to the mall all the time. There are coffee shops in the mall, there are food courts, there is air conditioning, electricity and minus the leering of old men and/or me there are virtually no predators at the mall.

Anyway… I’m getting off track. Stop wandering in the woods. Is this what the “in” thing is for chicks? Just wandering in woods? Or is this like the Harry Potter thing where you’re like “I relate to these kids because I went to school”, but you didn’t go to “wizard school” did you? So, you really relate to chicks who just wander the woods in search of mystical creatures. It seems very relate-able. But now this unassuming typical brunette teenage girl who wanders the woods in search of mystical creatures has a bow and arrow. I guess that’s progress.

I’ve never read a single sentence from The Hunger Games and I don’t know why I was deluding myself in thinking it wouldn’t look EXACTLY like the Twilight movies, but I didn’t think it would look THAT like the Twilight movies. I mean they’re in the fucking woods! I don’t know why I was thinking it would be any different. It’s just more woods. Fuck if I know why you think the woods are so appealing.

Either way, I watched Winter’s Bone the other day. That movie is gangster. White trash gangs, criminals, growing weed, fighting cops, finding dead bodies, cutting hands off with chainsaws, kidnappings, people threatening to kill each other all the time, gang nicknames like “Tear drop”. Just gangster. That easily could have been set in Detroit or Compton or have been the sequel to Boyz in the Hood, but with a chick as the main character. It was a good movie. Jennifer Lawrence is great in it. So is John Hawkes plus I’m just pro seeing him in movies. Speaking of… I want to see this movie so bad!

Yes, that’s the youngest Olsen child as the main chick. She looks like she can act.

Movie Reviewers

So last night I watched a movie… a movie I have not heard a single thing about in concerns that it is one of the better movies by far that came out this year…

Easily, one of the funniest – if not the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. Well, The Trip was the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. But this could be second. Horrible Bosses and Bridesmaids were funny in that ridiculous big budget Hollywood style. This is more like Anchorman or Step-Brothers with no money or more pinning on the ridiculousness of the words people are saying.

John C. Reilly is heavenly in this movie. He is just out there absurd being the most foul mouthed insurance salesman of all time. Ed Helms does a great job as this wide eyed child minded innocent that is similar to Andy Bernard from The Office. The rest of the cast is nicely rounded out by a bunch of people that you know who all do their part like Senator Clay Davis from The Wire up there in the picture aka Isiah Whitlock Jr. If you look at the cast list it is all actors with names and faces you know and I was pleasantly surprised how funny I thought this movie was.

I also saw Everything Must Go with Will Ferrell, which if you saw the trailer for you would think is a comedy, but IT’S NOT. It has a couple funny moments, but it is most definitely a drama or drama-edy or something. Either way, it gets depressing. If the movie wasn’t so hell bent on being sad, I would have liked it more. I thought it was good and could have been overall really good, but it just wanted to be sad so much that it was hard to get into it. Plus, it felt like a PSA about being an alcoholic at times more than a movie. It’s something different and it was better than Thor.

Elin Nordegren

I don’t really know too much about Elin nor do I seek out updates on her and honestly I forget she’s as ungodly hot as she is. I’m always like – she’s that blonde, right? But then I see a picture of her and I’m DAMN! That was your babysitter, Jesper Parnevik?! Ok, truth be told I do know a lot about Elin and I don’t buy it. Seriously, she was a hot ass Swedish model who was working in a clothing store when Parnevik’s wife asked her to be the nanny of their kids. Wait, what? What?! Isn’t that how porno movies start? Hey you look like a hot chick… how about I bring you into my home where my husband and I can take advantage of you? So honey, what did you get from the clothing store today? Oh you picked up an insanely hot Swedish chick and now she’ll be our kid’s nanny? Not what you usually pick up at clothing stores. You usually don’t buy people at clothing stores and usually not hot Swedish models. Anyway…

That happened. Then Tiger met her. All that stuff happened… and now she’s with some dude named Jamie Dingman. Dingman?!

Apparently, he’s rich and is an international “playboy”. Shocking?!

Anyway, I really just wanted to bring this up. In a few of these articles they’re mentioning how Elin’s new boyfriend Jamie is this playboy and how unfortunate it is for Elin to have “found love” with another wild playboy.

“Found love”? This might be too crass of OK! Magazine or Yahoo news, but “found love” is a little much. How about we just say “fucking”? It turns out that the guy Elin is fucking nowadays is an international playboy. The insanely rich guy who travels the globe that she just recently started fucking has other women on the side most likely. “Found love”? I think we’re giving that relationship or any relationship a lot A LOT more credit than it deserves. I mean not to paint Elin Nordegren as a gold digging hussy, but she just so happens to find herself with the son of a billionaire. I mean I’m sure that was just chance, right?

Anyway, she’s fucking some dude who has got boat loads of cash from his daddy and strangely enough he used to be fucking one of the chicks that Tiger was fucking who was the one who also was fucking David Boreanaz and some other people. Oh wait… I’m sorry. I keep saying “fucking”. I should being saying “found love”. They all “found love” with each other.

Matthew Fox

Did Matthew Fox go nuts or what? Did I read that article correctly about Matthew Fox punching a woman in the stomach and the chest? What in the hell is going on? Matthew Fox?! Who would’ve guessed it?

And so far he got away with it. The cops arrested him then let him go. Way to go police!

Celebrities can do anything.

The MTV Video Music Awards were last night…

Short story: they sucked.

Long story: they really sucked.

Before we get to that, let’s start with Saturday night at the Hurricocalypse!

Short story: nothing happened to me.

Long story: I sat in my basement and watched the UFC 134 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil while getting drunk on Hawaiian beer (Kona’s Fire Rock pale ale… I recommend it. It’s got a nice enough taste and is exotic enough to make you feel a whole lot better than pounding Budweisers, but it is definitely smooth/light enough as a pale ale that you could drink a ton of them. It is also a surprising 6%, so it’s more alcoholic than your A-typical beers), and the hurricane raged outside only to be thwarted by the sump pump. I didn’t lose power or anything, so I guess send your hate mail to me because I live 3 blocks from the Ocean and nothing happened. The sump pump has been running for like 2 days straight now, but outside of that nothing happened.

As for UFC 134 – GREATEST FUCKING THING FUCKING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not going to spend all the time in the world explaining why it was so amazing because I do have a shit ton of VMA red carpet pictures to make fun of, but UFC 134 was un-fucking-believable because of those damn amazing BRAZILIANS!!!!! I LOVE BRAZIL!!!! In all seriousness, last Saturday’s crowd in Rio was the greatest crowd for a UFC event and maybe a sporting event ever. The UFC had the fights at the HSBC arena in Rio which holds a humble 12,000 or so, but you would’ve swore it was half a million Brazilians in there because of how loud they were. It was incredible. The UFC hadn’t held an event in Brazil in over a decade and the current owners of the UFC (Dana White et al) didn’t own the UFC back then that’s how long ago it was. With a card filled top to bottom with Brazilian fighters, the three most famous fighters on the card Nogueira, Shogun and Anderson Silva (Middleweight champion) all won their respective fights quickly and with authority. Each one by knockout – Nog and Shogun in the first and Anderson in the second. The crowd was on the verge of crying happy riots they were so excited. Anderson is arguably the greatest fighter of all time, so him winning wasn’t too shocking (although it was crazy thrilling) – the other two’s (Nog and Shogun) victories were not guaranteed and when they won it was like an atom bomb of joy exploded in that arena. Especially the old veteran Noguiera who despite fighting MMA since 1999 had never fought in Brazil his home country where he lived one mile or so from arena. It was crazy town. I loved it. Let’s just say it got real dusty for every man when he won. Real dusty.

Anyway… let’s move on to the VMA’s and fucking stupid and terrible they were…

READ ‘EM AND WEEP MOTHA FUCKAS!

SELENA! SELENAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

She looks good. It’s kind of a vampire wedding dress kind of outfit, but she looks good. She didn’t dye her hair and whackadoo colors or dress like an idiot or try to be something she’s not… No, Selena decided to leave that up to her “boyfriend” heir Bieber-

What a fucking dope? Or schmuck. I mean this is why people shouldn’t like this kid. Right here. I mean his music… well, I don’t like it, but there are people who are like “I hate Justin Bieber… oh wait, is there a New Kids on the Block concert this September?! We have to go, obv, tots… vomit” and those people are hypocrites or deaf or something. But this right here, this picture is certainly hate-able. To start from top to toes (the way Usher does on wine coolatta Tuesdays…), Bieber doesn’t even have the stupid Bieber haircut anymore and hasn’t for a little while. Next, Bieber is wearing a pair of reading glasses from the Black Islamic Fundamentalist section of the J. Crew catalog. Tux jacket, gold chains, gold button, red skinny jeans then cheetah print shoes. Sybil in the middle of her worst manic episode would’ve picked out a more homogenous outfit. Hey, Bieber… stop trying so hard and you might survive all of this.

I’m saying it right now, Taylor Lautner is not human. He is a cyborg and there is an entire warehouse of doubles of him and they all wear this fucking outfit. It’s like Lautner is a Simpson’s character at awards shows. I hate myself that I know that this is the only outfit this kid wears, but I fucking know it and I can’t turn back now. Fucking stupid ass distressed shoes like he walked through the Grapes of Wraith to get to this damn meaningless award show. Yes, it’s fucking meaningless. Who the hell remembers who wins MTV VMA awards other than for the sheer trivia of it. It’s purely meaningless. MTV hasn’t told me anything about music in decades and it’s only been on for a few decades. The only thing to watch on the stupid network is Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and if you have MTV 2 then Bellator MMA and pretty soon that might be on Spike anyway.

Yahoo didn’t like this dress. I don’t either. The top half reminds me of a lava lamp or spin art or a rorschach test or something. But Yahoo thought it wasn’t “age appropriate”. I don’t know what age this dress is appropriate, but this is the first picture I’ve seen of Miley Cyrus wear the word “slut” didn’t come to mind, so good for her and bad for me. Show some skin Miley, you know you want to.

Are these two supposed to be the respectable, epitome of great MTV couples because if so then good God do I hate MTV. Katy Perry looks like an idiot who is probably very attractive if she didn’t try to dress like an idiot. And Russell Brand looks like every guy Russell Brand has tried to emulate when he did drugs back in the 80’s I guess. I saw Russell give that Amy Winehouse speech, which was about the only sincere moment on the VMAs until the randomess turn of events throwing it to Tony Bennett. I guess they recorded together, but come on… Tony is old enough to be the great great great grandfather that died in two generations before any of these MTV viewers were born and there is really no reason for them to get to know him. I hate crooners.

Beyonce’s pregnant. Just another reason for rappers to want to be Jay Z – he knocked up Beyonce. I’ve been telling friends this for awhile that one main reason why rap sucks is because rappers want to be Jay Z and not Tupac or Biggie… and who can fucking blame them. Seriously, Tupac and Biggie got killed – shot and whoever did it got away and no amount of spilled Hennessy will bring them back – meanwhile Jigga man works for I think Sony or Warner Bros as the President of one of their divisions, he’s making more money by the second and he’s been putting it to Beyonce in between racing Maybachs and buying shares in the New Jersey Nets. Fuck Biggie and Tupac – you know? I get it. I’d rather make a club jam with a million choruses and enjoy the hell out of my life with champagne and supermodels than ever try to actually live like the gangster you play in your songs and actually meet the end the way a gangster does – dead in the street. This got a little serious, but I believe that. It makes sense.

Congrats to Jay Z… he lived his life right… like real right. He may be killing rap music, but he’s going to put a few of his own kids through college one day. A good one too. Not a state school or nothing. Strictly private.

You know who is not pregnant? Kelly Rowland. JESUS!!!!! Kelly Rowland is looking so good and so not pregnant. Sure that’s great Beyonce is preggers and all, but damn! Kelly Rowland y’all. Nothing else to say. I hope we get to see more of Kelly. Keep it up, Kelly. Keep eating pomegranates and acai or whatever you’re doing. Whooo… looking good.

Seriously, Demi Lovato looks like she’s an A version of Deena from the Jersey Shore? Are we not all thinking that Demi Lovato looks like the newest cast member of the Jersey Shore? Like if Deena could pull it together for half a minute and also roll back some hundred miles or so of doing that Jersey Turnpike dance she does followed by shot shot shots, I bet her and Demi would look similar. Also, I want to see Demi Lovato as a cast member of the new season of Jersey Shore. We know she likes to party in the clubs… perfect fit.

I hope at the end of my days, God will meet me with an Excel spreadsheet of how I spent my life all drawn out in percentages. I guarantee at least 2% of my life has been spent fantasizing about Britney Spears and I will say – it wasn’t wasted. Strangely enough, I actually really enjoy her dancey songs and I love the song with that whistle in it right now that is on the radio.

Deena didn’t get the memo.

Jersey Shore has been pretty good this season. Last night’s “fight” was absolutely stupid, but the rest has been pretty good. The ladies of the Jersey Shore look alright here I guess. No worse than most of the other chicks at this dumb event. Except for…

The Princess of Persia… you all know my feelings for Kim Kardashian… she’s like Mother Theresa except it is much more acceptable that I want to bang her. … … Anyway… Kim is looking good per usual. She’s got the boobs saying hello, she’s got the hips saying hello. With all this bullshit about Marilyn Monroe being this bastion of femininity not being a stick skinny chick, you would think women would have embraced Kim Kardashian as a sex symbol. But I think the only reason we embrace Marilyn is because she’s dead and no dead chick is a threat to living chicks. Women hate other women – especially the live ones. Seriously, Marilyn fucked the President… I bet chicks hated her when she was alive. She definitely is a better actress than Kim… I’ll give her that, but at the same time I can’t imagine women are all sitting around watching “Some Like It Hot”… I’ve seen you ladies… you watch “Love Actually” and say Keira Knightley is so pretty meanwhile her waist is as thick as my ankle.

He knows it. Pitbull knows what’s up. Whose Daddy Yankee? I don’t know. You know who knows? Pitbull because he killed him and buried him and assumed his celebrity and no one will question it. I actually think him and Neyo and those ladies put on a good performance of that crazy overplayed song at the VMAs. It had a nice Miami/Las Vegas lounge act vibe, which in all honesty is about as technically musical that song is, which isn’t much. Anyway, i liked it.

Wiz! I’m still hedging my bets on Wiz falling off the face of this Earth by the end of next year. Amber Rose is the sexiest bald chick. Did everyone see her nude pics from last week? GLORIOUS. Good God she’s attractive as hell. That’s it. I don’t think either of them did anything during the show.

Adele. I’m not going to say anything bad about Adele or her school marm outfit because I know you ladies will castrate me… find me and then castrate me. Either way, I wish she played the second song off her album because that’s the one I like the best.

Dave FUCKING Grohl.

Coolest guy by far in that entire fucking place.

Coolest guy BY FAR.

I still say, name 5 people on Earth cooler than Dave Grohl. I don’t think it’s possible. I say Dave Grohl is top 5 coolest guy on Earth just to give you an option of naming maybe one or two people cooler than him IF YOU CAN, but sincerely he’s right there. But sincerely I can’t think of 5 guys cooler than him, I don’t know if I can think of 2. He’s the fucking man. The VMAs are seriously beneath him.

I’m a fan of Zoe Saldana. Not enough to see Colombiana in the theaters, but apparently no one is that big enough of a fan. No one went to the movies this weekend. That might be because the majority of the East Coast was hit by a HURRICANE, but either way. I want you to be in better movies, Zoe. Movies I can watch. Movies that I can lather my eyes in your cafe latteness. I drink my coffee like Zoe Saldana.

Ricky Martin… errr Joe Jonas.

Seriously? This guy isn’t the most Hispanic guy ever?

I couldn’t name a Jonas brothers song if I tried and thank God for that, but I can only imagine that they’re all in Spanglish.

Some chick that I guess MTV broke the leg of and threw on stage.

I know Jessie J is an actual recording artist and everything… so why did they make her a glorified cover band at the VMAs? Why not get a hysterical cover band instead? Or do what they did last year and have a DJ and then the person who sings those songs who isn’t performing like Robyn can come out and sing her song going to and from commercial? It worked last year.

I hate knowing that Jared Leto is in my favorite movie of all time and he still exists and this is how he chooses to live his life and then there are girls who want this and want to keep this around. I know that sex isn’t just for procreation… believe me, I know that… but come on. This dude? These dudes? Any offspring of these guys will only further the weakness of humanity. They would have been weeded out by a simple pox or an especially cold winter two hundred years ago. These three might be the least coolest in the room and they’re trying the hardest to be the coolest. It could have been easy for Jared to be cool considering he is so gay handsome, but he clearly would rather look like a tool. It’s America and he is free to do what he wants.

Victoria Justice. Sounds like a comic book superhero and has got the legs of one. She should have been walking around with a back-up band the entire time screaming “She’s got legs!!!!! And she knows how to use them!!!!!!” I’m pretty sure I’ll never see Victoria Justice ever act ever. I may be an internet perv and have seen about every picture of Victoria Justice ever posted on a message board, but sincerely I would rather kill myself than turn on the Nickelodeon or Disney network for a split second.

Damn right, Rebecca Black was there. Why the fuck not? This chick is known way more this country over than half of those idiots that paraded around on stage like they’re still going to be there in 2012. Seriously, Tyler, the Creator? I can’t wait until that farce ends. If you think more people know or care who Tyler is over Rebecca Black then you’re crazy. Plus, their music is about the same. They both suck and I hope it become illegal for them to be around microphones.

He’s still alive, Tony Bennett. My parents saw him live a few weeks ago. Why not? Get him out there in his gun range glasses and bring along the body guard with the braided goattee. I mean anything goes at the VMAs. Lady Gaga can dress up like she’s Ralph Macchio in Grease and then do absolutely nothing note worthy, so why not Tony Bennett? Jeez, what a bust Lady Gaga was? What on Earth was that rambling nonsense about? Yeah, she’s from New York, but she’s also a fucking art house idiot and shouldn’t be allowed to speak unless it is to yell “We’re all born this way my little monsters! This is ‘Bad Romance’ for the 50th time!” And then go into “Bad Romance” for the 50th time because it is a million times better than anything off the new album.

Not going to lie, I was sitting in my car the other day and I was flipping through the radio and “Telephone” came on and I almost wept. Remember when you were good, Gaga? Remember?!

What a fucking waist… waste? Seriously, before Jonah Hill was the fat Michael Cera and he really looks like the fat Michael Cera. He’ll never not be fatter than Michael Cera. Nothing is skinnier than Michael Cera. Maybe Wiz Khalifa, but he’s black, so it’s not like we’re getting them confused. Anyway, Jonah Hill… wow. I know you may live a healthier lifestyle now, but for what? So you can dress like a douchebag? What a sell out? Seriously… I hate calling someone that for just losing weight, but really. The first chance he can get to dress like the worst of the worst Brooklyn hipster d-bags he does. Seth Rogen got skinny and I’ve never seen him in skinny jeans. Thank God. If I see Seth Rogen in skinny jeans I hope it is because he’s making fun of Jonah Hill.

JC Chavez. Who would’ve thought he would be the most respectably dressed guy in the day place?

Busta Rhymes is the fucking Hulk. Love him. He looks like he should fight in MMA or the WWE or the Clash of the Titans.

The award for the first band that will be forgotten post VMAs goes to Cobra Starship. At least that other band played. I can’t remember… Giant something? They sounded exactly like that other band from New York… uh who were they? They were famous and went to Colombia? Vampires… or something. It’s hard to keep track of all this talent. Anyway, were they nominated?

What a fucking putz? I didn’t even know who this moron was, which I’m glad for, so Yahoo told me. He’s the “star” from Drake and Josh or something. Believe me, there are no “stars” from that show and this kid isn’t one either. Whoever let him out in public like that should be shot. And if he dressed himself like that and not an agent or a publicist or something then he should be kneecapped with a sledgehammer. Jesus, who ever gave this kid money to do anything should also be given a swirly and have be beaten with a bag of oranges. Ugh – this is disgusting.

Fuck you, VMAs.

What a waste of energy.

I’ll see you next year. It’s my yearly reminder that what is perceived as cool is remarkably also God damn fucking shamefully idiotic.

I hope they all caught STDs from each other.

Except for Dave Grohl because he rules.

I’m thinking you pronounce that… hurry-can-ock-alypse.

That makes sense, right?

What the hell is going on? A damn earthquake and now a hurricane. Seriously, I live in the North East because we were the smart ones that got away from all that other bullshit. Sure, most of our land is swamp lands, which leads to shitty humidity and we’re so far North that we do get hit with a lot of snow.

But, ecologically speaking, we’re in the middle ground of sanity.

We don’t get hit on a regular basis with feet upon feet of snow. Every few years we get decked with snow, but not all the time like Canada. And sure we have some North Easters storms and thunder storms in general, but never this bs. We’ve been hit by tornadoes, but none that could lift a cow like in twister. Or at least not regularly or even occasionally.

This shit is so not straight. I’m anti-Irene. Come on, Irene! Seriously, come on!

How many people have made that joke? Come on, Irene? It’s the perfect song for a bukkake video and for this hurricane.

I am hoping for the best and kind of expecting it too. I’ve never boarded up windows and for better or for worse, I’m not planning on doing it. I do have plenty of groceries and about 8 River Horse pumpkin beers and a case of Kona Fire Rock pale ales, which is a Hawaiian beer I decided to take a gamble on. I’m all for America, even the islands so far west they might as well be Fiji.

If we all survive this hurricane apocalypse combo, may I suggest that you begin each and every day with “Rumours” by Fleetwood Mac. I do. I wake up and eat something like a peanut butter sandwich and coffee. I grab my martial arts pajamas and I get into my car to drive to BJJ class. I have “Rumours” waiting for me. The album itself is only like 39 minutes long, but I don’t listen to it from start to finish. I’ll skip around. I usually start at “Second Hand News” and by the time Lindsey sings about laying you down in the tall grass and letting him do his stuff, I’m already happy I’m awake. I jump to “Go Your Own Way” and I’m honestly set for anything. (all nice) You can go your own waaaayyyyyy (not nice) GO YOUR OWN WAY!!!! I might move ahead to “I Don’t Want To Know” then I could skip back to “Never Going Back Again” – it really just depends on how much time I have and how crazy I want to get because it gets me shaking in all the right and wrong places.

If you’re wondering to yourself – Jordan… KSWI Jordan… Kay-Swidge-Izzle… my favorite person on the internet… – you have not mentioned “The Chain”. Where is “The Chain”?

Listen…

I…

LOVE…

THE…

CHAIN!!!!!

It’s my favorite fucking song. The thing is, I have to listen to it from beginning to end. Nothing can interrupt it. I generally save it for the ride home because that is when I’m exhausted and need it the most. It’s therapeutic, it’s cathartic, it’s sexual, it’s violent, it gets weird on the ride back.

So… I hope we all survive the hurricane, so you all can start off your Monday like I do and then your Tuesday and so forth until we get to Wednesday followed by Thursday and then we’re back to Friday and then you can listen to some Tupac or whatever you listen to on Fridays.

With that… just remember you may be small life form in comparison to this big hurricane, but if you want IT more then you’ll get the better of it.

That hurricane doesn’t got shit on this.

I hope you all have a great weekend and survive whatever we have to survive.

I hope to hear only about bright sunshine and booze soaked livers come Monday.

I hope you have a great day, weekend, life as always.

I root for us all.

Yesterday, on Twitter, Jim Carrey released this video message…

This creepy video message…

To Emma Stone…

This creepy video message about wanting to have sex and marry and grow old with Emma Stone…

If it wasn’t for the 27 year age difference…

Honestly, I think it is amazing.

First reaction – Amazing.

Second reaction – Agreed.

Who isn’t on the “I would like to have sex, breed with, and marry Emma Stone” bandwagon? You know who isn’t? Losers. Losers and people who given up hope. That’s who. Also, people who don’t know who Emma Stone is. I think we’re all assuming everyone has seen Superbad aren’t we? Or the trailers for The Help. But in The Help she’s got that golly gee accent and they’ve frizzed up her hair. Why so frizzy, Emma? Can I call you, Emma? Can I call you, Em? Can I call you? Give me your number!

Anyway, I thought the video was both parts creepy and hysterical.

Sure, I think it is a joke. Sure, I also think given the opportunity that Jim Carrey would wedge his hard Bruce Almighty into her tight The Majestic. Maybe get some Fun with Dick and Jane action until their sheets are still wet with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Or simply play Ace Ventura: Pet Detective with her pussy. She owns a cat, right?

Nevertheless, I think this proves yet again that Jim Carrey is crazy, still funny, and should play a serial killer. I want Jim Carrey to stop making kids movies so badly. I want him to play a villain again soon and then he can get back to playing the Joe Every-Guy roles he loves to play. How about a Joe Every-Guy that then turns into a serial killer sociopath?!

I bet if you talked to Jim Carrey about that he would offer up that The Number 23 was that and that failed or something. Yeah, well that movie sucked. What do you want from me, Jim? You should have read the script or realized Joel Schumacher was going to make it whacky. You worked with him before. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is Jim’s best Every-Guy role, but his best roles are the crazy ones. Batman Forever, Me, Myself & Irene, Lemony Snicket, Ace Ventura, Dumb & Dumber… and his greatest The Cable Guy.

Secondly, the clock has started and I’m giving it by the end of September that we see Jim Carrey and Emma Stone together in pictures… and after that when there aren’t pictures…. she and he are banging out that 27 year old age gap.

What else are people talking about?

HURRICANE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!

!

Hurricane?! We just had an earthquake for the first time in something exactly like a million years and then a hurricane is coming, so everyone is officially on a Jim Carrey level of craziness about the end of the world.

Listen, if the end of the world happens the prophetic moment will not be a little shaky shaky in Virginia. It might be the non-stop death war murder spree explosion innocents killed over there in what is called the rest of the world and not some random ass earthquake that didn’t do anything. One would think the non-stop killing of others where war is a constant like in the Middle East or in Africa or even those World Wars we had or the bombings in Northern Ireland or any place in anytime where people are just killing each other without mercy – that might be a better sign for the end of days than the ground shaking a bit. You would think those people who rush to their religious texts to worry about the world coming to an end might be a little more concerned about that other stuff mentioned than just a shaky shaky for 10 seconds. That’s just me, but I also don’t believe in the end of days.

Regardless, a hurricane is coming… or not. It’s wind. It kind of does what it wants.

All I care about is that it doesn’t rain Friday night because I hate carrying around an umbrella especially in New York City.

And, that I don’t lose power Saturday night because there are UFC fights live from Rio, BRAZIL! I want to watch those so badly. I wish I was there so badly, but at the very least I want to watch. Don’t fuck this up, hurricane. Wind. Stupid wind.

Anything else?

My iPhone will never be the same

Steve Jobs retired, but kind of didn’t. He retired from being CEO, but he’s still the head of the board of directors.

Why?

Well’s he had this thing called cancer for awhile and every time we see him people mention how sickly and how much skinnier he’s getting and he’s going to step down from being CEO and well he finally did. Breaking news indeed.

It sucks for him with the cancer. I wish him the best with that.

Anything else?

Rhianna Could Have A Sex Tape

I’m betting she does have a sex tape, but the question is – are we going to see it?

I’m definitely looking more forward to that being released in September than any other movie coming out next month.

Questions?

Oh movies… you are my best and most abusive friend.

I spend my days and my nights with you. We’ve shared the good times together – remember when I saw The Royal Tenenbaums 3 days in a row the weekend it came out –  and you’ve stuck by me in the bad – remember when I paid to see Rob Schneider’s The Animal where his love interest was a chick who was on Survivor that everyone forgot about even existed in life ever – as well. You are my first, my last, my everything. I love you, movies.

But you’ve been more or less a great disappointment this year. A GREAT disappointment.

I’m not an apocalyptic thinker and I don’t think this is the end of good movies or anything, but 2011 has been a rough year. There are highs and lows to everything and so far we’ve been in a low. It’s either timing that all these shitty movies came out at the same time or maybe everyone just failed all at the same time. I don’t really know why, but there have been a lot of crappy movies this year. But there are always chances and speculations of great movies in the future. Like Hoover. I was watching The Social Network last night, which is a great great great movie and watching Armie Hammer made me think about one of his upcoming projects, which is the Clint Eastwood directed biopic on J. Edgar Hoover with Leonardo DiCaprio as Hoover and Hammer as his right hand and I think they kiss in the movie. Either way, that’s probably going to be a good movie. But I digress…

We’re getting awfully close to September and before I start previewing what movies will enter that intrepid second dump month – I’ve decided to really take a look at what was good in all the shit that came out this year. To do that, I first consulted… THE INTERNET!!!!

I found a Top 20, best of, et cetera list from Paste Magazine. Why them? It appeared on the first page of my Google search and so they win the day(!).

I’ve seen some and haven’t seen others and I think they’ve failed to mention so and blah blah blah. Either way, this is supposedly the “best” so far and it won’t raise any confidence level in that this year was any good. There are some good flicks in here, but for the most part – I’d suggest getting in touch with movies from past years you haven’t seen than looking at any 2011 release date movies from this year. Anyway let’s start the fucking show!

Midnight in Paris

Didn’t see it. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Pretty much everyone had this on their list of good movies from this year. But I’m still skeptical. People love Woody Allen or more or less love Woody Allen from the 70’s and still give him a thumbs up for things he’s done since just because of who he is. Personally, I didn’t think Match Point was anything special. Scarlett looked hot in it and John Rhys Meyers had even poutier and fuller lips than Scarlett in it, but the movie itself I thought was forgettable. I feel like that movie got such good reviews at the time because they were just fellating Woody because he tried something different – drama, thriller. Woody makes movies all the time and most are terrible. Anyway, this is all pessimism. One of my favorite Woody Allen movies is from the 90’s – Sweet and Lowdown – so he can still make some quality stuff every once and a while. The movie could be good. I’ve said this before, but it is clear that Owen Wilson is playing the Woody Allen character and I think he has that nervous squirrely-ness that Woody had that could make it work. I could see this being good and I could also see this as being just another one of his so-so comedies.

Suggestion: rent Sweet and Lowdown if you haven’t seen it. Sean Penn is incredible in the movie. Samantha Morton is incredible as well and she doesn’t talk in the movie at all, but was so good she received a best supporting actress Oscar nomination.

Meek’s Cutoff

Unless you’re making it your goal to see every Michelle Williams movie or see every period piece featuring Paul Dano then this is a skippable movie. I love indie movies. I love slow indie movies. I love slow introspective indie movies. But that doesn’t mean I’m supposed to love ALL slow, introspective, indie movies. I really don’t think this movie is worth the time. It’s pretty looking at times and at times it seems like something might happen, but it doesn’t. The movie felt completely unfinished when the credits rolled. In the movie Adaptation, Nic Cage has a seen with Brian Cox and says how he wants to make a movie where nothing happens in it to make it more like real life and then Cox rambles off all the amazing things that happen in life and if you don’t put that in a movie then what the hell are you wasting my time for. Well, Meek’s Cutoff is that movie that Nic Cage is talking about.

Suggestion: If you want to see a Kelly Reichardt (the director) movie then see one of the other two: Wendy and Lucy or Old Joy. I haven’t seen Wendy and Lucy because it involves a dog and I’m not sure if something bad happens to that dog and I think something bad will happen to the dog, so I can’t watch it. Old Joy I liked, but I know it certainly isn’t for everybody and by everybody I mean like 90% of people. This movie has nothing to do with Meek’s Cutoff, but I’d suggest seeing The Proposition if you haven’t. It’s a billion x a billion times better. They couldn’t be anymore different, but that was the first movie that came to my mind. Or see Ravenous. Oh God I love that movie too.

Incendies

No idea. It’s foreign. There are a few foreign films mentioned on this list, which I think really hints at what shit Hollywood has given us this year. It’s just a guess, but I doubt these lists are usually so heavily padded with foreign and indie flicks that no one saw.

Suggestion: See it? I don’t know. It sounds like it could be good. Maybe you should just watch Winter’s Bone like I am. I’m halfway through it and it’s good so far.

Super 8

Ugh. I mean Super 8 was fine, but all it was was a ripoff of ET with the Cloverfield monster in its place and the director and producers and so forth have said as much too.

Suggestion: watch a movie that is nostalgic to you instead of this. I swear you’ll enjoy that much more. Who here can honestly say they don’t want to see Princess Bride for the 150th time?

Amardillo

More foreign stuff. Never heard of this movie either. I think it is about the Danish troops and the British troops in Afghanistan. It could be great. I don’t know. These reviews have gotten dramatically shorter.

Suggestion: See it? You could watch Restrepo, which was the USA/Afghan military documentary from last year. Or I guess you could watch The Hurt Locker if you haven’t seen it yet. Or you could watch Michael Caine from 1969 in Play Dirty which is about North Africa in World War II.

Uncle Boomee Who Can Recall His Past Lives

Seriously? Who the fuck has heard of any of these movies?

Suggestion: I think that movie is Japanese, but who cares. Get into South Korean films and watch The Host or anything from The Vengeance Trilogy. My favorite is Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, so watch that.

Bridesmaids

Saw it. It was great. You should see it.

Suggestion:….

SEE IT!!!!!

What the fuck are you waiting for? It’s a bunch of chicks being funny. What the hell is wrong with you people? Especially you vagina havers. If you have a vagina and you haven’t seen Bridesmaids then you either hate laughing or you’re sexist… against your self. Yep, I said it. I don’t get it. This movie should have been HUGE. It did well, but chicks don’t support other chicks the way they claim. It’s the WNBA all over again. Anyway, see it you XX’s.

Of Gods and Men

OH MY GOD!!!! Enough with these foreigners. Seriously? Algeria? For Christ’s sake. Two old men in Algeria. It could be an excellent movie, but at this time last year we had Inception and now we have Algerians. Jeez…

Suggestion: See it? Rewatch Grumpy Old Men? I don’t even know anymore. This has nothing to do with this movie either, but watch Everything is Illuminated if you haven’t seen that.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams

It’s a documentary by Werner Herzog that’s about caves. It’s beautiful.

Suggestion: See it and watch Planet Earth. I don’t want to take anything away from Cave of Forgotten Dreams, but it’s not like this movie could be bad. It deserves a spot on the list, but really it is a glorified National Geographic episode, so I think that just shows how light this year is. Anyway, see it.

My Perestroika

FOREIGNERS! Did they all get cameras for the first time this year? Every other movie is a foreign film. It’s about the Cold War and how 5 Russians’ lives have changed so much in 20 years. Yeah, that’s great. I’m sure it is interesting. But whose life hasn’t changed a lot in 20 years? 20 years ago I was in third grade I think. A lot’s happened. I mean I’ve had sex and I have a college degree and I’ve been to China and I can drive a car. Big stuff.

Suggestion: See it? It might be even more entertaining just to check out those Russian Youtube videos from yesterday’s comments section. RuTube.

Another Year

Jeebus. I haven’t heard of this either. It’s a British film I think. It doesn’t sound particularly engaging although who knows. It’s from English director Mike Leigh who has made a litany of movies I’ve heard of, but never seen. Secrets & Lies, Topsy-Turvy, Happy-Go-Lucky, Vera Drake. I know the woman in Vera Drake got nominated for an Oscar, but didn’t see it.

Suggestion: See it? How bad could it be? I bet it’s better than Gosford Park probably because that movie sucks. It really doesn’t sound like my type of movie, I’ll be honest… and by that I mean it doesn’t sound like anything happens. If you want foreign and family interactions then try out The Celebration. It’s Danish and shit happens in it.

Rango

Finally! A movie I’ve seen! Oh my God! I saw this one! I REALLY DID! WITH MY EYES AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!

And, how disappointing is it to see it on this list? Very. This movie is all about the visuals. I don’t think Pixar has made a movie this good looking. It is really really really good looking. Oh man is it good looking. It’s like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition of animated movies. It’s so good looking, but the movie itself is stupid. I’ve talked about Rango before, but this is a kid’s movie and because of that the storyline is for stupid kids. The adults can enjoy this movie too. Sure, there are some cute laughs and as mentioned it is so damn good looking, but the story is dumb. This is in Paste’s top 10 movies of the year and it is a kid’s movie that isn’t Up or Wall E or Pixar in general. This movie is no smarter than any Pirates of the Caribbean movie, which is actually who the movie is made by and starring, so that shouldn’t be a shock. It’s definitely one of the more “enjoyable” movies I’ve seen this year, but it is sad to see this in the top 10.

Suggestion: See it. I saw it. It’s good. At the same time, if we’re just looking for pure enjoyment then see Fast Five, Captain America and Sucker Punch. They’re crazy enjoyable movies. If you’re looking for a movie with “heart” like Pixar has then see one of those Pixar movies you haven’t seen that doesn’t have the word “cars” in the title.

Submarine

It looks like a quirky Brit movie about a cynical rambunctious teen. Shrugs. The big selling point I keep seeing people say is that the guy from the Arctic Monkeys made the soundtrack. That’s great and all for people who like the Arctic Monkeys, but I’m not a card carrying member of that bunch. If the soundtrack doesn’t sound like the Arctic Monkeys then I guess I might like it. Either way, the movie shouldn’t been hinging on just a soundtrack. I don’t know anything else about this movie, but it could be good – who knows? Not me.

Suggestion: See it? I think there are a load of “coming of age” teen movies that you could see that are probably better than this movie, but I haven’t seen it so I shouldn’t judge yet. Nevertheless, I’d suggest seeing Thumbsucker. Great movie. It’s an indie film with some people you will recognize centered around a kid you won’t recognize. Good flick. And the soundtrack for that movie is excellent, so there you go. See it.

The Tree of Life

Didn’t see it. Want to see it. But I didn’t see it. I am ashamed of myself. The reviews were mixed on this movie, but that’s not really that surprising for any of Terrence Malick’s movies. The reviews were mixed on Thin Red Line and that’s one of the best movies ever ever, so what the hell do critics know – they gave Thor great reviews. Regardless, who knows? The movie could meh. I don’t know. I know Sean Penn is criticizing the movie now because he wasn’t in it as much as he wanted. Whatever. Sean Penn seems like a fucking idiot. He’s a great actor in some movies, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also a fucking idiot. John Wilkes Booth was a great actor too… do you see what I did there? Also, the older I get the more it makes sense to me that an actor was the first person to assassinate a USA President. I really couldn’t think of a more appropriate person to have killed the President than a holier than thou, hyperbolic actor. Anyway…

Suggestion: See it? Or see one of Malick’s other movies. I love them all.

The Trip

See it.

Suggestion: See it.

See it.

See it!

SEE IT!

SEE IT!

SEE IT!

SEE IT!!!!!!!

The Trip may be the best movie I’ve seen this year, which is sad. Not to take anything away from this movie, but it’s not really a “best movie of the year” type of movie. It’s funny, it’s small, it’s cute and all that, but even they would have to admit that it’s not a MOVIE in that grand scheme of things. It’s good because Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon are good together and we know that. Either way, I’m sounding too cynical about it, but I did really like this movie a truck ton. So see it. Also, see Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story and see 24 Hour Party People.

13 Assassins

I just saw that this was on Netflix watch instantly. I really really liked this movie and I may have liked it more because I haven’t like a single movie this director has previously made. Takashi Miike comes from the “gore” genre and I hated Audition and Ichi the Killer. I hate all those movies. This movie is bloody, but it is certainly not “gore”. It is a samurai movie. But like many movies – including Audition – the movie is really just about the climax/ending. This movie is about 13 assassins (obviously) who have rallied together to kill this bad guy who is protected by 70 dudes, but then it turns out he is protected by really over 200. Either way, it sounds like I’m giving you “spoilers”, but it is really the only reason to see this movie is to see the 13 guys fight the 200 guys. That’s the movie. The first hour and a half is setting that up and then the last 36 minutes is all one glorious extended evolving action scene with the 13 fighting the 200.

Suggestion: If you want to see 13 samurais fight 200 samurais then see this movie. If you don’t then don’t. That’s about the long and short of it.

Certified Copy

Haven’t seen it, but I want to. Abbas Kiarostami is an Iranian director who is wonderful. The movie itself sounds a little like those Ethan Hawke movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset where a man and a woman spend a day together, but they go through an entire relationship in that day. I imagine Kiarostami’s version of that is more dramatic and more unsettlingly realistic. He makes beautiful films that feel real partly because some of them are in some way. I want to see it.

Suggestion: See it. It’s probably great. I would recommend seeing Taste of Cherry, which is my favorite movie of his. It’s about a man who wants to kill himself who is driving around trying to find someone who can help him out in this endeavor. It sounds morbid and it is, but there are some great thought provoking and touching conversations in the movie. Great movie.

General Orders No. 9

It’s a documentary… and that’s all I know. Paste mentions they love this movie and Man on Wire as their favorite docs from the past decade. I love Man on Wire, but that doesn’t help us with this movie. Then they go on and say the movie is indescribable. Great. So…. ???????????????????????????? The third best movie so far this year is indescribable. Great.

Suggestion: ??????????????????????? Go see Man on Wire. See that instead is what I’m thinking. I don’t know what the hell General Orders No. 9 is about. For some reason, I feel like telling you to see Lives of Others. That movie is incredible. So go see it.

Hesher

I watched this movie last night and it’s good. Second best movie of the year so far? Well, it would have to be an awfully shitty year so far for that to happen. It’s got some good parts and overall it’s good, but to use the word “great” I think would be an overestimation. Natalie Portman is in the movie with a complete “who cares?” character. Nothing against her because as we all know I love her and I am prepared to raise her ballet teacher’s baby if needed, but her character is of no consequence in the movie. Some may try to argue that she does “something”, but that “something” could have easily come from “something” else. She kind of just fills up time that they needed a chick in the movie, so they threw her in there. Plus if I really wanted to get cynical, they kind of use Natalie’s character in a completely sexist way. It’s not like really sexist, but it’s just typical movie sexist where girls are used for one thing and that’s it. Anyway, the movie is good. I’ll give it that. But it’s not great.

Suggestion: See it. It is sadly one of the better movies that has come out this year. Instead though – I’d suggest seeing Junebug. In this paper thin year, Junebug would have been a 2 ton meteor that crushed all other movies. It’s a solid indie flick that is easily better than any movie I’ve seen this year.

Beginners

The Ewan McGregor movie where he finds out his dad is gay after his mother died. The dad is played by Christopher Plummer and he’s wonderful. I haven’t seen this movie and I imagine it could be good. It sounds pretty good.

Suggestion: See it. I mean why not? It’s the best movie of the year so far according to Paste.

I’m trying to think of movies that I’ve seen this year that I would have put on this list and the first one that comes to mind is Source Code. I don’t even think that is a “great” movie, but a very good movie. But it was arguably the best Hollywood movie I’ve seen this year.

*shrugs* here’s looking to the second half… and hopefully to a better 2012.

I need a drink.

 

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