Jordan Newmark Doesn’t Know What To Talk About

August 2, 2011

I don’t.

I tried to think of some clever stuff to write about, but a lot of feels like stuff I’ve recently written about.

Movies. Good movies. Bad movies. Kristen Stewart doing something and then me making it seem like she’s doing something else. Bikinis. And well, that’s about it. I think that is pretty much what I write about. Or I go over to Life.com and jack one of their galleries, but I’m too lazy to do that this morning.

Hmmmm… I had a sex dream last night.

Yep.

Nothing too crazy to report. We weren’t having sex on top of a building or in a space shuttle or in a submarine or in the middle of a viking charge on the death ridden fields of feudalism Northern Europe. Nope. None of that.

It was just me and Tyra Banks getting busy and she was dressed as a pirate.

Yep… as a pirate.

I don’t think I was dressed as a pirate, but I do distinctly remember that Tyra was wearing an eye patch, a long garish coat past her knees and one of those big white puffy/frilly shirts. She also had boots on. So she was a pirate. I wasn’t making that up to sound cool. Who would do that? Hey man, I met some chick last night. Yeah, so what? Well, this chick was special… she was a pirate! That never happens. Guys don’t lie like that. Although, I think we should start.

Now, it was a pretty sexy dream because it was Tyra Banks and I’ve had a thing for Tyra Banks since whenever she started modeling bikinis and looked amazing doing it. She’s still looking good now, so it’s not like “why?!”, but more “why?” because I hadn’t seen Tyra Banks in anything in what I’m guessing is awhile… let alone as a pirate.

This is going to be a stretch, but I think Rihanna might be to blame.

Now, Rihanna is not Tyra Banks nor is she dressed as a pirate, but let’s just say that I looked at these pictures a lot yesterday and then if you add in my nightly dose of Ambien and then you just add in the murky pool of crazy tar this is my imagination then going from Rihanna dressed in her flamingo dancer Barbados bikini wear to Tyra Banks dressed as a pirate really isn’t that big of a leap.

Rihanna looks pretty friendly.

I’m not sure how many people there were at this Barbados nationalism version of Mardi Gras/Spring, but I think there is a solid percentage chance that you rubbed your junk up and down on the cafe latte backside of Rihanna.

That’s reason enough to go to that event. I’d go to just about anything if that was the possible conclusion.

Does anyone want to rub their junk on my butt? I sang “S&M”.

These pictures are pretty scandalous I guess.

I mean there’s no nudity or nip slips or anything, which sucks.

Nevertheless, I wish more pop singers were doing this on the weekends.

Really celebrating with their fans.

I’m not a great… good… ok dancer, but I’m pretty sure I can do that.

Well, thank you Rihanna. And I would definitely go straight to a doctor to make sure you didn’t catch anything or at the very least you had to have caught a wicked rash from all the dry humping.

What else?

On the same website that provided me those pictures…

I got these ones…

That…

Suck.

Who is that?

I feel like given the way this picture was taken and the heavy make-up that one could guess a whole number of people.

She’s white. We know that much. She’s blonde although with you ladies dyeing your hair who knows what color anyone is. But she’s a white blonde. That certainly narrows it down. She looks pretty young.

I don’t know. Whoever it is they’ve become a chameleon in the world of “artsy” photos.

Um… does this help or hurt who you thought it was before?

This kind of looks like a missing scene from Black Swan. What are these pictures about?

Most certainly we can all guess that this white blonde and young girl is also famous to some degree and attractive because these pictures are being taken of her. In this picture though she looks weird. She looked meh in the last picture and in this picture she just looks weird. Who wants these pictures of whoever this is? Who would want this picture forever and ever?

First, with the eye black make-up she looks like she has a blindfold on or is a character from a fantasy movie where she has lost her use of her eyes altogether. Her body position is that of a broken bird. And again, I don’t think it is that easy to tell who the fuck this is from this picture.

Here’s a straight shot of her face. Who is she?

Her outfit is at best an homage to Daryl Hannah in Bladerunner and at worst it is just stupid. What the hell is she wearing?

Whoever this is… why do you want them wearing this?

What do we have here? Panty hose. Green metallic body suit that is sleeveless and has a high neck line. Leather elbow/forearm gauntlets that lead into gloves. A leather bustier over the body suit. YES! Thank God they got whoever this is in that because that’s what I’ve been dying to see her in. Although, coming from a guy who earlier admitted to have a sex dream about Tyra Banks dressed as a pirate… She looked good as a pirate. At least I could tell it was her.

The grand finale!

YES! YES! IT’S WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED! A RED ZORRO MASK AROUND A BLACK WORLD WAR I LOOKING MILITARY OFFICERS HAT ALL ON TOP OF SOME NON-DESCRIPT WHITE GIRL’S FACE WITH BIG PAINTED RED LIPS AND IT ALL HAVE SOME PURPLE TINGE TO IT!!!! OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO FUCKING HOT!!! THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE WAY YOU ARTSY BASTARDS!!!!

Well, this has been Dianna Agron if you were wondering aka the chick from Glee and/or I Am Number Four.

Oh hai! You’re good looking and those silly people at Flaunt tried to uggle you up or make you look a mannequin. That wasn’t nice of them. It was quite the practical joke they played on all of us.

Is there anything else?

I did see these pictures as well.

Just curious… is this the oddest swimsuit or what?

Don’t mind the football about to hit Hillary Duff in the nose to relive the “famous” Brady Bunch episode. How shitty was television back then that arguably the most famous episode of that TV show was about a girl getting her nose broke. Holy eff. I guess that may be better than the rape/murder hours we have on TV nowadays with every show being about a group of rape/murder investigating cops who like to detail what the killer did in gruesome… errr… details. Neil Patrick Harris was a cannibal, rapist, murderer on a TV show! Anyway…

Hillary Duff’s swimsuit looks stupid to me. Is that just me? I don’t know anymore.

I have more questions than answers today.

Now, I really want to see Tyra Banks dressed up as a pirate.

That’s pretty damn close.

You’re the best, internet.

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8 Responses to “Jordan Newmark Doesn’t Know What To Talk About”

  1. GEORGE BUSH!!!!!!! said

    this is degrading to women im gonna have to TACTICAL NUKEZ YO AZZ DAWG!!!!!

  2. PWG said

    I was guessing Mena Suvari.

  3. PWG said

    I wasn’t really prepared for that last Rihanna picture. The first three are all, “I’m young and pretty and sexy, just having a good time here. Flaunting it ’cause I got it.” And the last one’s more like, “Impregnate me already, man in the white pants.”

    It reminds me of Zees’ Twitter link yesterday.

  4. And to think that, when I woke up this morning, I had no idea I’d see Rihanna’s cooter. Oh, Tuesday! You’re the silliest.

  5. Nix said

    See? You ALWAYS find something to talk about! You’re just too hard on yourself Mr Newmark.

    Now, I’ve never had any dream about Tyra Banks dressed as a pirate, but the image is strangely familiar to me. Eye patch included…

  6. cledbo said

    Sex dreams are so fun. They tend to make me do stupid things though.
    If Tyra was dressed as a pirate, she definitely needs one of those Cap’n Jack headscarves to cover her enormous forehead.

    And is it weird that, to me, the last weird pic of Quinn looks the msot like her, even though you can’t see half her face? wtf mate.

    Much thanks to Zees too – this is the card I bought myself in my head today

  7. Spot on with this write-up, I seriously believe this web site needs much more attention.
    I’ll probably be back again to see more, thanks for the info!

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