Potential Wasted: The Story Of Two Movies Coming Out Friday

August 3, 2011

I have not traveled in time… yet.

Let me repeat, I have not traveled in time… unless astral projection is real then I think I’m traveling in time a lot and I’m also getting freaky in a different dimension with Tyra Banks dressed as a pirate, as highlighted in yesterday’s post.

But!

I have not traveled in time… to this Friday and seen the two movies that are coming out this Friday: The Change-Up and The Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

But!

It is of my opinion, my esteemed guestimate opinion, that neither of these movies will be all that good and they will have wasted an opportunity of a life time to make something really special or at the very least crazy crazy crazy, which is better than just average.

Let me explain…

First up…

THE CHANGE-UP

White people! I’m talking white people, white, white, white people! I’m talking white, white, white people!

Hey, I like Jason Bateman! Yeah, me too. Hey, and I like Ryan Reynolds! Yeah, me too, maybe a little less every year, but sure he’s still in the positive section of my judgement of people I’ve never met. Nevertheless, this movie is arguably a waste of all of our collective times. I’ll even throw in there that I like the director of this movie David Dobkin who has made two movies I love: Wedding Crashers and Clay Pigeons. He also is to blame for Shanghai Knights and the most horrendous Fred Claus. So there is a chance of this movie being good and there is a chance of this movie being bad.

But really take a second, how good could this movie really be? Really think about it. When you watch the trailer for this movie, are you really thinking “this is going to be the funniest movie ever!”? Or are you thinking “it will probably have some laughs, how bad could it be with those two in it?” And that is why this movie shouldn’t have been made with these two.

Where’s the real hijinx here? Jason Bateman is uptight and married and now he’s single. And Ryan Reynolds is wild and single and now he’s married. Just two white guys who live good lives exchanging each others good fortunes for the other. White people!

At the very least, how could they have not made this with a black guy and a white guy? HOW?! How could they have fucked that up? And not only did they switch two white people, but they switched two of the same white people. Jason Bateman is a fast talking comedic better than average good looking white guy. Ryan Reynolds is that exact same thing, but he’s a little young and a little taller. SO MUCH CHANGE-UP! SO MUCH!

Why isn’t it at the very least Kevin Hart with one of these guys? Kevin Hart changes places with Jason Bateman. Better movie already. Let’s dump Ryan Reynolds to the curb. Reason 1: He’s used to it apparently with these chicks dumping him left and right, am I right? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY JEALOUSY IS KILLING ME!!!! Reason 2: Really has to do with him helping subject us to X-Men: Origins: Wolverine or whatever the fuck that movie was called – why so many names for a movie that was just utter SHIT – and The Green Lantern. Anyway… were moving on.

Kevin Hart

is now the co-star with Jason Bateman.

There are endless possibilities and these possibilities are actually something worth seeing. It is a million times funnier and has the potential of being a controversial and memorable movie. Make them both married with kids. Now a white guy is raising the black guy’s kids with his wife, but he’s really a white guy on the inside. And then VICE VERSA with the black guy is raising the white guy’s kids with his wife, but he’s really a black guy on the inside. That right there is a much funnier premise than Ryan Reynolds a single guy trying to raise his buddy’s kids. Anyway… that’s just one idea.

The next idea for The Change-Up is just switch any two people at random that are not two of the exact same people and guess what? It is more interesting than the movie The Change-Up.

Justin Bieber and Ice T

Ice T and Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum and Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck and Shakira

Shakira and Shaquille O’Neal

Shaquille O’Neal and me … and now you know what I pray for every day of my LIFE!

Seriously… any two people other than Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds has much more potential than what they’ve offered us.

Just think about it.

Or at the very least this movie could be about Hall of Fame baseball pitcher Pedro Martinez and the second half of his illustrious career when he had to rely on his change-up more than his fastball because he didn’t have the arm to blow the ball by batters anymore. But that’s another story for another day.

The next movie is…

THE RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Honestly, this looks stupid.

I’m not sure why we need a prequel to The Planet of the Apes anymore than we needed a reboot of The Planet of the Apes by Tim Burton those years ago. I can’t imagine anyone enjoyed that movie. I can’t imagine Tim Burton fans enjoyed that movie. Where was the art school dropout Tim Burton style in that movie? Where were the bright colors? Where was the stupid make-up? Where was Johnny Depp? Seriously, where was anything that Tim Burton does in movies in that movie? What a fucking waste of time? The only thing that anyone got out of that movie was that they may bang Helena Bonham Carter dressed as a monkey. That’s about the only thing and I’m sure someone could have just shown us concept drawings of that and we’d be like “yeah, if I was drunk I’d definitely hit on that” and then we wouldn’t have had to sit through that crap.

Anyway…

Back to this prequel that looks like a whole lot of nonsense.

The trailer seems to show an awful lot of the movie. Scienceman James Franco gets a monkey baby, he sticks monkey baby with intelligence gas, monkey baby grows up and gets all smart and in the process gets all emo, monkey teenager now goes against his human parents and intelligence gasses all the other monkeys and then somehow a monkey riot in one city will turn into monkey domination of the planet. IF! IF! If this movie is just that… then this movie is fucking RETARDED!

I’m sorry to all my retarded readers, but this movie is fucking retarded.

First, there is simply no way a riot of apes could take control of a major city in the United States just by being apes and running around on rooftops and throwing parking meters at people. If that is how flimsy you think the human race is then you might want to take a look out your window and notice this world is DOMINATED by us. 6 billion! BILLION! How many damn apes were in that lab? 100? 200? 500? Unless there was 1 billion apes in that lab then I’m not sure any of this is plausible. Why wouldn’t a police force or any group of hunters or really any assortment of people with guns be able to thin out the numbers of these apes immediately? How fast are these brainy apes reproducing? How fast are these brainy apes even evolving? Is there are a plot point in the movie where the intelligence gas also makes the apes impervious to bullets or bombs or any weaponry?

At the very least, let’s say that this is taking place in San Francisco. Ok? Why not? San Francisco is taken over by intelligent apes. How intelligent? Are they using guns, bombs, driving cars and airplanes? How intelligent are these apes getting really? Anyway… let’s just say that they take over San Francisco… for the apes to take over this planet they kind of have to take over EVERYTHING outside of San Francisco as well. If apes took over San Francisco, I wouldn’t even give them a 50% chance of crossing the bridge and taking over Oakland. Why wouldn’t Oakland’s residence just stand on the other end of the bridge firing at will at the ape horde that is coming over?

What’s the casualty rate these apes are dealing with? I’m assuming pretty high. And how are they replacing their numbers? Are they just miraculous creating apes from thin air? How many apes could there possibly be in all the zoos of the US plus the apes from that research facility that they would have a sustainable ape army traversing the American landscape? SERIOUSLY! After they’ve captured Oakland let’s say, what’s next? Oh yeah! EVERYWHERE ELSE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET! Are apes missile proof because at some point the American military will fire missiles at this ape army that is slowing taking over our country?

It’s honestly a terribly stupid idea for a movie and it looks bad too.

Instead of an ape war, the “rise” should be slow and steady. Intelligent apes start taking over parts of our society. They are being admitted to schools and getting jobs and learning crafts. Ape pilots. Ape accountants. Then when there are billions of apes around the planet taking part in the daily activities that us humans do as well and they have access to all the technology that we have then! and only then! will they be able to take over this planet.

So, I for one am looking forward to a movie series set in the future where there are ape barbers and ape chefs and ape lawyers and ape cardiothoracic surgeons and ape cricket players beloved in India. Then when we least expect it… they STRIKE!

Ugh… even that movie would suck.

Hollywood is the worst.

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7 Responses to “Potential Wasted: The Story Of Two Movies Coming Out Friday”

  1. Nix said

    My Dad always liked the Planet of the Apes movies. The first ones. With that dramatic guy… What’s his name…? Charlton Heston I think. I never could understand why. I think maybe it was the dramatic last scene, with the Statue of Liberty & the dramatic guy doing something dramatically, like screaming NOOOOOOO! & WHYYYYYYY?! Or something like that. Like I said, I never got it. Also I rather like apes, monkeys, primates, & the ones in the movies are just mean. Not that people are that great, I mean look at Project X, but still.

    Anyhoo, I think I’ll do something more productive with my time, like search for pics of Tyra Banks dressed as a pirate for Jordan, rather than see that movie.

    As for the other one, as long as Ryan Reynolds takes his shirt off, sure I’ll watch it sometime. What can I say… I’m only human, in a female kinda way.

  2. PWG said

    Hollywood does love the body swap story, they’re going to keep right on making those until they get it right. IMDB has a whole list of them: http://www.imdb.com/keyword/body-swap/

    • I’ve seen some promotions for the film where their main selling point is literally “have you ever seen a body-swap movie that’s rated R?! THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S BODY-SWAP MOVIE!”

      WHY J-BATES?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! And I thought he was turning things around with Horrible Bosses, too…

  3. PWG said

    If I had a super smart serum like scienceguy James Franco, I wouldn’t inject it into apes. Primates are already terrifying, I see absolutely no need to up their specs. It’s not going into sharks, either, idiot Deep Blue Sea people. What could possibly go wrong making something with either an endless supply of teeth or opposable thumbs a braniac?

    You know what else has opposable thumbs? Giant pandas. So they’re out. In fact, how about we eliminate all the giant meat-eating predators – no super smart grizzlies, polar bears, tigers, anacondas or velociraptors if that Jurassic Park thing ever works out. Absolutely no octopuses, they’re already freaky smart and flexible.

    So that leaves us with chinchillas. I’m willing to be overthrown as a race by what is basically an adorable tribble.

  4. APE STRIPPERS! I would see a movie about ape strippers.

    I’m going to stop shouting random things now.

    • Nix said

      Ape Strippers!?!?! That’s just…. No! Um, I may need some brain bleach over here please *waves arm desperately*

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