Bless the Good Lord and the Devil for Central Air

August 5, 2011

I am laying on the hard wood floor of my new house’s living room as I peck this out with my thumb on my iphone.

I don’t use two thumbs with the phone held horizontal where my thumbs race back and forth across my phone like they’re tangoing or playing timed chess or are trying to seduce each through nearly synchronized movements.

I use one thumb like it is a hovering cobra striking out at letters or a game alphabet whack-a-mole.

So… today is moving day. My part right now is the tech part and waiting for the Verizon Fios man or woman or she-male. I wait. I wait and wait.

I did watch The Jersey Shore last night. Here are my thoughts that are probably no different than the 1000s of others you’ve seen or will see.

– J-Woww got skinny. Really skinny. It also looks like she got some work done on her face, but maybe she just got that skinny. Before, J-Woww looked fairly athletic. Like the match-up between her and Sammi as a prospective women’s MMA fight was a good one. Now, I think Sammi would fling J-Woww over her shoulder like the “British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith and execute a spine shattering running powerslam on her. J-Woww looks weak. It kind of looks like her breast implants are sucking the life out of her like they are two giant generators that everyone with a functioning eye and hand wants to give a curious squeeze. She needs to gain some of that weight back.

– Sammi’s boobs found all the weight J-Woww lost. They did look big. That’s about it and about the most positive thing I could think to say about her.

– Deena. Stay classy.

– Snooki is looking in those workout clothes doing the little Snooki workouts. But the rest of the time she looks terrible in large part to her “fashion style” and/or “rolling around Poison’s used clothes covered in maple syrup and deciding to wear whatever sticks”. She also dates the most Italian dudes ever. Jioni? Where the hell do you find a guy named Jioni unless you are just hooking outside an old world Italian barber shop or butchers.

– The Guys (Pauly, Vinny, Ronnie and The Situation) all seem fine. We’ll see how long this single Ronnie charade goes on for. And Situation is always starting trouble. Sure it takes two to have consensual sex between him and Snooki whenever, but it only takes one Situation to tell Ronnie about it for no reason at all. Keep that shit a secret. Ronnie’s dinosaur brain can’t handle knowing that without doing something about it. Vinny and Pauly seem the exact same, which is good so have fun, there’s no need to concern yourselves with drama.

Pauly making out with Deena led me to one conclusion – I would never like to make out with Deena or Pauly. They looked like two snapping turtles making out. It was funny and unsettling.

Anyway… the guy is supposed to get here in 20 minutes, so I best finish this up.

xoxoxoxoxo

Hugs and kisses

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you?

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3 Responses to “Bless the Good Lord and the Devil for Central Air”

  1. SNAPPING TURTLES, YES! Nothing about that seemed remotely appealing or enjoyable, and Pauly’s face during the whole ordeal told me he felt similarly. But I’ve often thought their technique left much to be desired. They just seem like the sloppiest. Like making out with them would be akin to making out with a cow. More specifically, a cow with herpes. So much herpes… ALL the herpes.

    Agreed with everything else, but I’m not sure I buy the Snooki/Situation thing. I have trouble believing anything he says. I can’t tell if it’s that he’s an unconvincing liar, or just so douchey that my brain immediately rejects everything. Whatever. I’m glad it’s back.

  2. PWG said

    I’m pretty sure “I love you” is one sentence that’s not supposed to end in a question mark.

    I didn’t see the Jersey Shore, although I did enjoy the HeyyyBrother Twitter review of it last night, reprinted here without permission: “Jersey Shore in Italy has me craving wine, pasta and gelato. And breast implants.”

  3. cledbo said

    Do you lot over the pond get to watch the magic of Geordie Shore? I haven’t managed to watch a whole Jersey Shore, because to be honest it’s like listening to really sharp razor blades running down a blackboard. Geordie Shore is disturbingly addictive, and I’m picking up all kinds of weird lingo in a bizarre Newcastle accent.

    They’re all complete skanks and wankers of course, but it’s like watching a slow motion trainwreck with fake eyelashes and hair extensions. Love it.

    Hope your move went well Jordache. I feel your pain, having moved 7 times in the past 8 years, and about to move interstate *again*.

    BTW next Fall, we’re coming to America (sings like Neil Diamond for a second) for the time of our lives. Hopefully GFC 2: Payback, doesn’t destroy everyone in the meantime. Yay holiday which is a year away!

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