Everyone at the TEEN Choice Awards looked super TIGHT…

August 8, 2011

And… that’s what she said…

But… they did look tight in one of three ways:

1. “Their clothes were tight” as in hip and in fashion.

2. “Their clothes were tight” as in hugging every inch of these bodies that I, as a member of the less attractive sub-human species, would like to defile.

and…

3. They look “tight” as in that “defiling” by me “a lowly pig person who lives in the eternal second tier to such conventionally crazy attractive celebrities who live in the upper tier” would require just some time, lots of foreplay and a positive attitude to penetrate them or simply lube. Honestly, lube is about the most classless product made in the world. I would say that there is no other product in the world as classless as lube that doesn’t have a graphic description word in the product title like “butt plug” or “anal beads” or something along that line. There is just no way to make lube sound classy. Although, KY does try. “Warming liquid”? It is lube. She drips some on her wah wah and he’s dripping some on his yippy yippy and they are going to cabooga cabooga cabooga. You know?

So…

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS!!!!!

RED CARPET BREAKDOWN!!! MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

First up… the femme fatale of my, most recent, dreams…

Hell yeah, Tyra Banks. If you ever had a fantasy of what Tyra Banks would have looked like in “Sin City” then you’re like 80% there. The next step would be to put double shoulder holsters on her and cut out nipple holes in that leather halter top. The people on Yahoo or OMG that I stole these pictures from thought Tyra dressed a little too risque for these Teen Choice Awards. I’ll say that I can see their point and then I’ll say “fags” and then dunk their head in a toilet then flush it. First of all, I’m not a teen nor am I watching the Teen Choice Awards, so I couldn’t careless what these people where. Secondly, this outfit is too risque? These kids need to learn what a woman’s body looks like instead of all these stick figured boy bodied girls we have parading around as “hot”. You know who I’m talking about. I’m just saying. Tyra is letting the kids know what’s up. Tyra Banks is 37 and turning 38 this year and her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, so step off bitches.

This is what these kids need to stay away from. As we are all aware this is the current Prince of the Universe of people ranging from 7-19 years old. If we don’t want to send mixed singles to our children then someone else needs to dress Justin Bieber or allowing him to start eating again or both and now. This is a bet to no one and everyone at the same time if you can make this happen… get Kiera Knightley to get a “pixie” hair cut and then dress up her and Justin Bieber in the same clothes and we’ll see if the two of them don’t try and pull a switcheroo and Bieber becomes a British actress and Kiera becomes a boy Canadian popstar. I’m saying this is the type of stuff that is confusing our next generation and some current generationers right now.

Get the one on the left the HELL AWAY from the one on the right. Demi Lovato is so high on everything that I bet it is seeping through her pours right into the perfectly innocent Selena Gomez. Although who are we kidding? Grab a hold of her, Demi, and never let go. Selena Gomez is one bottle of Southern Comfort away from filling her iPhone full of nudes to send to the Biebs and that phone will get hacked however they get hacked and then everyone on this glorious internet will get to peruse them at their leisure.

If that shirt was white then Taylor would look identical to half of the supporting cast from “Grease”. Which half? The gay half… that was guys. The other half I’m assuming were gay women because they were biker chicks. No wonder that was such a forbidden love. A gay high school boy and a gay high school girl. They were ruining the status quo. I don’t know how a man makes the decision to wear skinny jeans and even more so I don’t know how women make the decision to sleep with those men, but there are a lot of mysteries in this world that I don’t understand. Like how $50 million worth of tickets sold this weekend for the “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.

Taylor Swift! This is something I would picture Lucille Ball to wear. I was in Philadelphia this weekend seeing the UFC fights at the Wells Fargo Center. It shares the same parking lot with the Eagles Football Stadium where Taylor Swift was holding a little piano recital or something. Anyway, her fans are teen girls who dress like the sluttiest cowgirls ever. If the cops could arrest people based on their thoughts like in Minority Report or arrest based on drooling leering then I would be typing this from prison. Good GOD! They were everywhere. Judging by what those young ladies were wearing to the Taylor Swift concert, Tyra Banks was pretty much dressed as a nun. Fathers – lock up your daughters when Tay Swift comes around.

Am I wrong or did “Beautiful Girls” come out in a pre-9/11 world? Or is he getting invited because he survived that car crash? Why would anyone send him an invite?

YES! I love the Kardashians. Mind you I don’t watch a single thing they do minus show up on random websites in bikinis or of course the porno/making love video tape that Kim and Ray J provided the world. But I like them. Why not? They got Lamar Odom in there. What’s not to love? Also, they come in such varying shapes in sizes.

*shrugs* So… Tyra is hot and she dressed hot. Zooey is hot and she dressed all I’m going to go to a friend’s house for a delightful dinner. I know we were talking before about not getting too slutty cause it’s the Teen Choice Awards and all, but who cares? Zooey – you are very attractive, don’t fight it! What’s the word? Frock? What an unsexy word? Yeah, baby, take off your frock. Ooooh what are you wearing? A lacy lingerie? No? A frock? Ugh. Also, I’m not suggesting that Zooey where just lingerie to these awards or am I?

What a doofus. Doofus was the first word that came to my mind when I saw this picture. Didn’t this guy get fired from “Glee”? Good riddance. Hey buddy, you might have to return that to the wardrobe department at Fox. And you’re a doofus.

I think we all know that Ashley Greene is very sexually attractive human being. So with that, it makes this picture all that more odd and ridiculous. This has got to be the most awkward picture ever. How are Ashley Greene’s legs in that position? It’s as if they caught a picture of Ash right before she eats it and falls on this blue carpet. Her legs are situated so oddly and then it looks like she is slumping down as if to sit on an imaginary chair and… her arms look pseudo apeish. What in the fuck happened here?! I’ve seen like close to a million pictures of her where she looks amazing and this is the one that Yahoo took and was cool with? I believe this was photoshopped by an angry Yahoo intern who has a vendetta against Ashley.

Joe Jonas or a member of the Puerto Rican pop act Menudo? Joe Jonas looks so utterly hispanic in this picture that I’m wondering if Jonas is really pronounce “Honas” and he IS hispanic. He looks more latino than Carlos Mencia in this picture and probably is. I bet I could edit in Joe Jonas into the background of the wedding scene in Godfather II when they’re in Cuba and no one would fucking notice a thing.

Uhhhh… no. I’m being serious. Where is the one that actually does anything in this band? Is he not here because he’s recording another top 10 pop/dance single? Next time, we’re not inviting you if you don’t show up with the one that does all the work and raps about Obama.

Cut your fucking hair. What in the hell is happening to his head? Is he also in a David Cronenberg movie about bad haircuts? What the hell, Ian? Ostensibly, with a hair cut Ian Somerhalder is one of the best gay/straight/making straights go gay/making gays super happy to be gay good looking guys on this planet. I see it. He’s a handsome man in that boyish good times way. I mean I wouldn’t trust Ian to open a jar of tomato sauce or be able to change a tire, but as far as to look pouty and shoot me blue steel all day long (that’s what she said) I think he’s about the best man for the job. But with this lack of hair cut, Ian looks like a fucking idiot. Actually, the first thought that crossed my mind was “is Ian on the MTV Teen Wolf show”? And when I said that I meant “Ian looks fucking stupid”.

Hey there, Marky Mark. He’s got a cute kid and he’s a nice dad to take her to this show if this was her idea. But never forget that this man went to jail for being a racist and has given us the nonstop abortion of “Entourage”. MAKE IT STOP!

Rachel Bilson is cute and she looks cross eyed in this picture. She also is apparently on a new TV show on the CW that will never last. Remember when those kids from The OC were all going to be the next big things? Well, at least she’s not collecting unemployment like Adam Brody.

No one told Jason Derulo, but this awards show was not set in the 2525, but boy will he look excellent in reruns years from now.

Looking good and completely unaged, Avril. I was sophomore in college when Avril Lavigne debuted in the US of A, I think. And it has been 9 years since then and I couldn’t tell the difference between her now and then if I tried. I know she’s young and that means she was like 17 or so and now she’s 26 or so, so her youth has stayed intact while she is still a youth. Nevertheless, it’s like she exists in a vacuum outside of time. I imagine there is something like that up there in Canada because that whole country seems to exist in a vacuum outside of time. I mean Justin Bieber is no different than any of the hundred other white boy Michael Jackson molestees like Aaron Carter who came out in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Are you telling me if Macaulay Culkin was a singer instead of an actor that him and Bieber wouldn’t be the exact same human being? Even the girlfriends are similar: Kunis and Gomez?

I don’t who this pretty lady is, but she is at least bringing some ebony color to this mix of snow whites. So far we’ve got Tyra Banks and this chick whoever she is. The Black Eyed Peas and Jason Derulo are aliens, so they don’t count. Like they are aliens who have somehow landed on this planet maybe in Roswell, but either way their aliens societies understand dance music very well and so they have chosen professions in that field accordingly. Prove me wrong!

I didn’t recognize this was Kaley Cuoco aka most unpronounceable name ever on a hot white girl. I like what’s going on in this picture minus the pants. I mean that in a purely fashionista way. I would like to see Kaley Cuoco pantsless all the time, sure. But it looks like she is wearing a dress and then she put on a pair of pants with that dress. You choose the dress or you choose the pants, but not pants and dress. It’s like the second half of her clothes goes on forever. It should stop at some point. For modesty’s sake she cut the pants where that last tier is, but of course it’s the summer so show off those legs and cut it off at the first tier. Lord knows Taylor Swift fans know about the summer and legs.

Boo Boo and Fivel. At some point, he has to stop going by Boo Boo. I mean he should have stopped going by Boo Boo always, but I mean it really needs to happen sooner than later. Everyday that he hasn’t changed his name to Justin is a crime against himself.

Zoe Saldana! Has everyone been seeing these commercials for “Colombiana” or whatever? It is pretty much the South American “Hanna”. It looks meh. I don’t know. Hanna wasn’t that good. I’m all for chicks and chicks being in action movies and all that, but it seems like they sometimes choose the skinniest girl they can find and make her into Rambo. At least in “Sucker Punch” it was all make believe, so the laws of physics didn’t matter. Uma Thurman is like The Undertaker compared to Zoe Saldana. She’d chokeslam her and then Tombstone piledrive her before she even tried a nifty spin kick.

I hate everything about this kid. I hate you! I especially hate this kid for trying to tarnish the name of “Kevin McHale”. How is this kid walking around using the same name as one of the greatest basketball players to ever don a Boston Celtics jersey? I think it is disrespectful. Make him pronounce his name differently or put an obligatory E. in between Kevin and McHale. It’s really a slap in the face to the great Celtic legend and a pretty descent NBA commentator.

LIGHTNING ROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elizabeth Banks – looks like she make that leather scrunching/squeaking sound as she walked.

Don’t know who this is, but she’s cute and looks like she is dressed for the caveman party that the dickhead jocks throw in the classic movie “Back to School” starring Rodney Dangerfield and Robert Downey Jr before people thought he was respectable.

Actors are so tiny! That’s the surfer chick who got her arm bitten off by a shark and the small one is the Jack Nicholson’s daughter who played her in the movie “Soul Surfer”. Looking good ladies and mini ladies.

MCLOVIN! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I bet he loves that! Right? I bet he loves hearing that every fucking second of every fucking day of his life. He’ll never live that down. There is no way people will ever call him anything else besides McLovin. Even if he assassinated the President people would just say “can you believe the President was assassinated by McLovin?”

Gillian Jacobs from Community! Yeah! I love that show. I’ve got nothing bad to say about this pretty lady. … … … I really like that show. I think she’s great on it. … … … I actually like watching the reruns of too. … … ok… …. let’s move on.

AND!!!!

LASTLY!!!!

FINALLY!!!!

HER!!!!

THIS GIRL!!!!

WHO IS THIS GIRL?!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA!!!

BUT SHE IS THE LAST ONE OF THE GALLERY!!!!

YEAH FOR HER!!!!

I don’t who this is, but she looks like she is going to the prom.

Good for you young lady!

YOU ARE A STAR TO SOMEONE!!!!

And at the very least she is as famous as Sean Kingston, which is good.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU BLONDIE!!!!!

And I’m spent…

Advertisements

5 Responses to “Everyone at the TEEN Choice Awards looked super TIGHT…”

  1. I made the mistake of looking at Twitter last night while these were airing. Apparently people (as in adults) watch these. I saw a lot of screeching and panty dropping happening over this picture, in which Mr. Pattinson looks like he’s channeling Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Mmm sexy.

    What’s happening with Justin Bieber’s eyebrows? Where did Ashley Greene’s hips go? Why does Joe Jonas look like he’s mimicking the posture of one of those sugar glider paratroopers from Transformers 3? Who are half of these people? These are making me uncomfortable.

  2. PWG said

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Because frankly I’ve been commenting here so long and at such length that there’s nothing I haven’t said at least once and I’m just going to start recycling it now:

    I love your awards show breakdowns. Mostly I don’t even know who these people are anymore because I’m old and my husband’s even more old and all we watch is news. News and sports. I stopped paying attention to the sports when the Sharks lost to evil Vancouver, and during the NFL lockout. Okay, and when Rockies pitcher Juan Nicasio took that fucking horrible shot off the bat this week and broke his neck. Done with sports.

    And I’m done with news because I hate approximately 50% of the voting populace of my home country and 90% of its elected officials at any given moment. I don’t want to debate anyone with cool, reasonable, informed logic, I just want to be totally and completely in charge. And they won’t let me be, so fuck that too. I flounce away from politics this month.

    But I still don’t watch any of the shows all these people are on, so if they’re not in movies I’m clueless. Your blog is the only education I’m going to get about the current and former Glee/Community/Jersey Shore/OC/Gossip Girl(s?) etc. people, so . . . well done, you. You’re providing a public service.

  3. PWG said

    Soul Surfer is a ridiculous name for a movie. I keep thinking Silver Surfer, which is giving me very bad Fantastic Four flashbacks. But AnnaSopha is wearing, what, 18″ heels there? And still barely comes to Bethany’s shoulder? That seems like dubious casting of a biopic.

    What is that string cape thing going on in unidentified beautiful black woman’s picture?

  4. Martine said

    OMG funniest fucking post ever. Read it twice and laughed even more the 2nd time.

    Btw you should do a “you searched it” post again.

  5. amazing fashionable fashion ; we look out for summer fashion wear & you propose some . congrats !

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: