What’s TRENDING NOW on YAHOO and WHY it is STUPID!

August 9, 2011

It is pretty self-explanatory, but there are some things going on in the world today and people are making a big fuss about some of them. Not only are the original problem themselves stupid, but so are the fusses and the people who are making the fusses also stupid. It’s really a same old same old kind of deal with the stupidity of this world. Plus isn’t everything stupid if you really get a good look at it?

Take me for example: I’m pretty stupid.

I write, I write and I write. But what I write I can’t really sell or use to further along my existence as a person, but I feel compelled to do it each morning. I can’t stop myself. I feel unfulfilled if I don’t. Then I feel really unfulfilled when I try to write a book or a screenplay because I don’t feel like writing because I’m like well I wrote this morning, how much writing do I have to do? Or when it comes to write for money, I’m like well, I need to take a break from writing for today because I criticized a Mila Kunis movie for an hour and talked about how hot she is for an hour, so now I want to take a nap or read a book about dragons for a few hours before I sit down and write the writing that makes me money and sustains my living. What can you do?! On the other hand, Mila Kunis is hot and her movies are usually stupid and someone has to talk about that and if it isn’t me then who else will do it?!

So… politics?

1. AL GORE RANT

“Al Gore Delivers Angry Rant Against Anti-Global Warming ‘Pseudo-Scientist’ ‘Bullshit’”. This?! Again?! Are you kidding me, Al? Al, I know you haven’t been in the political world for awhile and some may not even consider you a politico anymore, but you have to have seen all this debt ceiling/economy failing et cetera on the news, right? I mean Al, let’s get real. Like really real. Global warming? I’m pretty sure we all need to be focused on REAL and TANGIBLE issues like the raising the “debt ceiling”. I mean that is a problem that we all understand, am I right? Not this whole “chemical air gets caught in atmosphere thus killing all of us and destroying all things” nonsense you’re spewing. I mean I’m know rocket scientist, but I am an amateur future-seeing economist who is actively holding sway on imaginary money that is represented only on computer screens in +/- ‘s and somehow that is deciding EVERYTHING that happens in the world today even though it has absolutely no constant and is purely moved up or down by somebody’s “feelings”. Seriously, Al get your shit together and join a REAL issue like the trading of futures on the stock market and the credit rating of America. That is a REAL issue. It is not at all a MANUFACTURED issue by an opposing political party from terrible decision making for decades coupled with an insane desire to oust a President because he wants to tax the richest 2% of this country, but they don’t want that to happen so instead they are gutting social programs that affects the other 98% of this nation and yet about 50% of that 98% of the people still think the problem is because we hired a liberal black as President.

That’s a REAL issue, Al. Not the eventual melting of the ice caps that will raise the waterline of the oceans and flood this planet meanwhile the heat that will eventually melt those ice caps has been creating deserts all over this planet and drying up large swaths of land that used to be filled with water and we all know that is just nonsensical future mumbo jumbo there, Al.

We saw the movie, Al. We paid our $10, Al. We clapped for you at the Oscars, Al. What more do you want?

2. VIENNA GIRARDI

Vienna who was on the Bachelor and won or didn’t win or something, but ended up on another Bachelor show has moved in with some guy who was also on that Bachelor show. THIS IS THE SECOND MOST TRENDING STORY ON YAHOO?! I mean she’s a cute blonde with boobs and so forth, it’s true that we are at a lack of them and any update on one of them out there in this world is purely newsworthy. I just looked at some pictures of her and she’s got some boobies and I get it. I mean if you take a look at what is coming up on this list “credit rating”, “flu antibody”… I mean who really wants to read about that? Not me. Boobies? Sure. Who doesn’t want to read about those things? Vienna and her boobies are moving in with this guy Kasey. I imagine he’s psyched about it because he’s going to get to play with those boobies so much more than he did before… or at least that’s the plan. And that’s a plan I understand and can get behind, so I was wrong America – this was a good story.

3. D.B. COOPER

Agent Smith?!

Who fucking cares?! I don’t. Is the FBI really futzing around trying to catch criminals who committed crimes 40 years ago? Whatever money is being put into trying to catch DB Cooper after all these years was wasted money. For a minute there, I thought it was cool that we caught DB Cooper or Whitey Bulger or if we caught some other old ass criminal who is about to die of natural causes anyway. It’s like the FBI always gets their man. But then when I think about what a waste of time and energy that is. Whitey Bulger made a little more sense since he killed people, but who cares about DB Cooper? He’s going to die at some point and there you go – God caught ’em. It’s not like if the FBI doesn’t catch the guy that he just lives forever. At some point, DB Cooper’s age will catch up to him – like now – and he’ll be a broken old man with a colostomy bag and voting Republican. I mean it’s just what happens. We don’t have to worry about him robbing banks or jumping from planes or any of that. Go arrest someone that still can do some damage.

4. PIPPA MIDDLETON

London is burning and all we still care about is Pippa Middleton in a bikini? YES! I am so thankful you all haven’t changed that much. I mean we still have our priorities. No one has forgotten that white British chick’s royal ass in that white dress and we’ll never forget it. Oh what? 200 some odd arrests in 3 nights of riots of London where countless damage is taking place and the police are in a veritable war with males ranging from 11 – mid 20’s? Ummm… that’s depressing. The internet is for happiness and happiness comes in the heart shaped booty of Pippa. Take that lady’s clothes off and get some pictures of it and let’s get to healing this nation known as the human race nation already!

5. CREDIT RATING

It’s down. I know that much. What does that mean? For a lot of Americans that means “I told you so! I knew having a black President was going to fuck up our credit rating!” There’s that. There’s also like China and stuff. What the shit, China? I told you I was going to pay you at some point. It’s not like you don’t know where we live. We’re not going anywhere. Didn’t you see we just cut NASA? We can’t fly off into space anymore like we were planning on. So chill out. Credit? Hmmm… if Ron Paul had his way we would go back to the gold standard and we would also all call him Grandpaps and turn down that loud music! Honestly, I have no solution for the “economy”. I know you thought I might, but I’m sorry I don’t. I think the economy is stupid and made up and does whatever people feel like they want it to do. Plus it’s not like we’re running out of money. Even during the Great Depression there were businesses that held record profits as there are now. The key is to just get involved in those companies. So go out and do that. My suggestion for you is to become a millionaire and then run away to an island nation and drink rum and cokes until you’re blind.

6. CHEAPER IMAC

Well, yeah. Who wouldn’t want a cheaper one? Apparently, it is Apple offering cheaper ones for schools and their students. That’s nice of them. At least someone is doing something nice for them. Hmmmm… there’s that. I hope kids are using computers for something worthwhile at school more so than I did when I was in middle school and high school. All I did was go on message boards and play freecell and minesweeper on the school computers when I was in school. I know some kids took visual basic and c++ classes and made stupid games. I’m hoping the education system has evolved since that.

7. GAVIN DEGRAW

When this madness end?! 9/11 then the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and now GAVIN DEGRAW?! THE MADNESS!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Call me cynical – you’re cynical – but the Gavin Degraw story is that he got shit faced in New York City and at 4am or so he got jumped by some guys and then a little bit later Gavin got hit by a taxi cab. Obviously, we’ll have to wait and see what happened, but I’m sure Gavin Degraw getting shit faced didn’t help him in the getting jumped or getting hit by a taxi cab. Was he jumped because he Gavin Degraw? Was he hit by a cab because he was drunk and wandered into the street? Was this some great conspiracy/attempted assassination of the piano playing crooning Degraw? I don’t know. I don’t really care either. Shit gets wild in New York City especially when you are shit faced at 4am.

He also looks really punchable and hittable with a car.

8. FLU ANTIBODY

I’ve never gotten a flu shot, so this doesn’t really change much for me, but researchers are saying they may have found a new antibody for the flu. Great! I mean that can’t be bad, right? Let’s get a few more antibodies for the flu. Let’s get like 10 of them and then let’s get onto other stuff. This is good news. Let’s cure this stuff! Let’s even add things to ourselves like that X-Ray vision stuff. Or better hearing like really good hearing. I think we can do this guys. 1-2-3 GO! TEAM!

9. AIRFARE SALE

That TV show Pan Am is going to be GREAT looking and CANCELLED in a month.

From cheap computers to cheap flights. I seem to never get “cheaper” flights than what I’m expecting to get. I’ve never looked a flight and gotten a $100 cheaper flight than I was expecting. Actually, quite the opposite. Either way, I like that people are just googling or yahooing for cheap things. Like I want a TV or a car and let’s just throw “cheap” in the search as if that will magically do it. Oh, a “cheap” plane ticket! I thought you wanted an expensive one! I’m an idiot. Hmmm… what should I search for? “expensive as hell plane tickets” or “most expensive planet ticket I can get for a trip to Las Vegas”? Oh wait, what? Cheap planet tickets?! I should’ve thought of that!

10. RICK PERRY

This is not a joke. The Governor of Texas organized a group prayer to pray for the economy and our country’s future. Yep. 30,000 people showed up. That sounds like a big deal, right? It really isn’t. Seriously. I’m not being a dick or anything, but 30,000 isn’t that big of a number and it isn’t especially that big of a number for what they’re doing. If 30,000,000 people attended then that would be something. That would be something to worry about. But 30,000? That’s not even a 1/3 the amount of people who show up for a Dallas Cowboys game… or a Houston Texans game. What did the Rise of the Planet of the Apes do this weekend? Over $50 million? Let’s just say that an average ticket for a movie costs $10… so 5,000,000 people went and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes between Friday and Sunday this past weekend. Now, that scares me. FIVE MILLION people. And that’s just one weekend. Five million people watched CGI smart apes fight for supremacy in a fictional parallel universe of Earth meanwhile only 30,000 people showed up to pray for our salvation with Jesus and Governor of Texas Rick Perry. So, we’re still in the vast majority here people… no need to worry too too too too too too much.

I’m spent.

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One Response to “What’s TRENDING NOW on YAHOO and WHY it is STUPID!”

  1. PWG said

    You know what should be trending? We may be from outer space. That’s newsworthy. As in, if the building blocks of life on Earth came from meteorites, then that leaves us with two other questions. Where are those meteorites from, and what else did they hit?

    It’s kind of a nice follow-up to last month’s paper on arXiv.org that everyone interpreted as “you’re all alone in the Universe.” Even though that’s not quite what it said. I’m concentrating very hard on space news today because I don’t like all that other news. It’s unpleasant. I’m going to practice avoidance, maybe all week, maybe all year, maybe for the rest of my life. Instead of reading/watching topical news, I’m gong to drink wine, pet dogs, eat whatever I like and watch 80’s romantic comedies.

    Go, me.

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