Shaquille O’Neal – One of My Favorite Human Beings to Walk the Earth… EVER!

August 10, 2011

There is just so many things to be down about or more so bored with and lastly just frustrated and giving up on. Coupled with the heat of the Summer, it’s really easy just to say fuck it. Fuck it, it’s hot out and I don’t understand the stock market anyway, so I’m going to sit inside in the air conditioning and drink margaritas until it’s not humid anymore. That’s a plan. Or you can just say fuck it, I’m going to lay in the Sun until I’m burned in between my toes and then I’ll spend the rest of my Summer drinking margaritas while lathering myself in aloe vera. That’s also a plan.

But neither of these plans involve the three things that are necessary for you existence on this planet:

1. Me.

This is an absolute necessary. The less of me in your life the worse your life becomes. It has been proven by scientists. Those scientists were not at all paid by me despite what people like Steve say. Fuck you, Steve. Who asked you?! Same goes for Linda. Shut up, Linda! God… anyway. You need to get involved with what I’m up to because I keep your body happy like Vitamin B. It’s what the scientists said and not me just making stuff. Also, you need as little to do with Steve and Linda as possible. Go to Hell! The both of you! So… me.

2. Happiness/Ridiculousness/Human Contact/3 Square meals a day/Water/Rest/Breaking Bad/Internet/Dark Knight Rises Updates

The second thing you need in life is kind of a miscellaneous section of necessaries. The first thing you need is happiness. Happiness can be gotten from me or from some of the other stuff on this list, like a bacon cheeseburger can make you happy because if it doesn’t then you’re dead inside. Or human contact can make you happy when that person who you want to play with your nipples plays with them – you know simple stuff like that. What are we up to? Water, well you need water you idiot. Christ! It’s like I’m dealing with dummies over here. Questioning why you need water? It’s WA-TER – it’s right there in the word. Get it in you – that’s what she said. Rest – to sleep per chance to dream and all that plus your cells need to repair themselves, stupid Shakespeare. Breaking Bad is the greatest show on the television box and if you’re not watching it then you are offending baby Jesus. It’s that fucking simple. The internet is basically a set of tubes and wires that allows you to order Dominos without talking to anyone and Dominos can be considered part of the food you need to eat. Also, you can order water from Dominos. And if you are quite inclined, you can have sex with the delivery person, so there’s that human contact thing I was mentioning with nipples and genitals and tongues. What?! Lastly, The Dark Knight Rises updates that are on the internet are about the only reason I wake up in the morning.


What is the last thing you need in life? What is the #3 on this list of things one needs in life?!

3. Shaquille O’Neal





SHAQ!!!!!! SHAQ!!!!!!! SHAQ!!!!!!!

So with that said…

Let’s start talking about Shaquille O’Neal.

First thing and well the only thing I’m really prepared to talk about concerning with Shaquille O’Neal is that he is a monster of God’s creation and he walks amongst us and has desires like all God’s beautiful creatures and some of those desires are to bump and grind nakedly with other beautiful creatures from God.

This is what we will speak of today…

Exhibit A:






Oh man, he’s fucking enormous!

To the left: one of the greatest men to ever draw breath, 7’1″ over 300 pounds Shaquille “The Big Aristotle” O’Neal!

To the right: Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander who is 28, 5’2″, very attractive and … was on Flavor of Love and WON IT. Craziness. Then she went of to I Love Money and WON IT! Prior to these TV shows and winning these TV shows, Nicole worked for the TSA in Detroit. What a crazy world we live in? Nicole went from working in Detroit to kissing on Flava Flav to winning $250,000 to having consensual sex on a regular basis with SHAQUILLE O’NEAL!!!!!

This world is the craziest!

Anyway, let’s look at this picture for a moment. The first thing one must notice is HE IS FUCKING HUGE and she is tiny.

Shaq’s hand is bigger than her head, meanwhile her hand is roughly the same size as his nipple. Why do I keep mentioning nipples? They’re important, ok. Jeez. Shaq’s got a shirt, but you can see where his nipples are and the width of her cafe latte hand is about that of his nipple.

Shaq’s head is as big as the region under her lovely breastesses to the bottom of her pink shorts.

I’m not exactly sure from this picture, but I would say whatever Shaq’s sleeve length is – it’s about 70% of her entire height.

He is easily two of her. If you took two of her, you would not fill up one body of Shaquille O’Neal. I would suggest maybe another 1/3 of Nicole Alexander would be needed.

Getting back to nipples for a second, she isn’t up to them. Shaq’s hip is just shy of Nicole’s chin. In essence, she could go down on him while they’re both standing up.

Her vagina is by his knees.

Same goes for her booty.

Her shoulder is at his waist line and his feet are easily the length of her leg from knee to foot.

I would imagine Nicole must ride and flip around on Shaquille O’Neal like he is a jungle gym with his gargantuan penis as a stripper pole.

Why are there stripper poles on top of jungle gyms in my imagination? I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have the best imagination.

I also can only imagine that that penis is about the length and width and girth of her arm.


This picture makes me love life and wish that celebrity pornos weren’t so frowned upon. We’re just fucking curious about your fucking!


He’s wearing slippers as well.

Like velour slippers.

He’s the greatest.



11 Responses to “Shaquille O’Neal – One of My Favorite Human Beings to Walk the Earth… EVER!”

  1. Nix said

    In my opinion, it is logistically impossible… There were friend of my family who were similarly disimilar & the logistics of their baby making was a consistent discussion… S’just not possible. He’ll break her! Like a banana split, except it’ll be a Nicole split. And as a representative of the female sex can I just shudder?

  2. PWG said

    I’m going to imagine Shaq having sex with Peter Dinklage instead. The extraordinarily talented Mr. Dinklage unfortunately shares equal billing with Verne Troyer as the only little people most anyone can name, and who wants to imagine Shaq and Verne Troyer?

    Anyway, Pete will be wearing his Game of Thrones armor, and storming the castle, as it were.

    I thought that she looks more than 2′ shorter than him, but if you mentally divide her body up into five pieces and then put two of those on her head, it does look about right. You’re welcome, that’s the kind of high-tech fucking quantum math I can do in my head.

    • tiffanized said

      Also Warwick Davis from Willow. And Herve Villechaize, though I only get half credit for that because I didn’t know his last name and had to google “Herve” and “de plane” to get to it.

      • PWG said

        I think on their first date they probably sat across a dinner table from each other and thought, “Could this work? Is this physically even possible? We should do it, strictly for science and research purposes.” And then they fell in love, because life is one big romantic comedy.

        And now I’m going to rent Willow.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Remember thin Val Kilmer? Oh, those were the days! I watched 10 minutes of The Ghost and the Darkness the other day to just bask in the light of thin Val Kilmer and how many movies he would’ve been perfect for if he didn’t turn into a bloated catfish. Have you seen the preview for his new movie with Bruce Dern and is directed by Francis Ford Coppola? It looks whore-ee-blay.

      • PWG said

        Val Kilmer is one of the mysteries of the universe to me. Looking at him in his youth, with that out-of-this-world bone structure, I thought, “There’s no way that man could ever be unpleasant looking. He’s got the best skull, the worst that could happen is he goes bald in some weird pattern and has to shave his head. But there are tons of hot bald men, look at Ed Harris. Ed probably looks better bald than he ever did with hair, but I’ll never know because he had to go bald before they gave him any memorable movie roles, that’s how great he looks bald. Val could do much worse than aging like Ed Harris.”

        Yeah, little did I know he was going to hide those fantastic cheekbones under a layer of an entirely extra Val Kilmer. It’s a crime. They should put him in Hollywood jail for hiding the sexiness that effectively. I think they have one, it’s called Marlon Brando’s Penitentiary for Formerly Bangin’ Great Actors.

        I just saw him in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when he was still only one and a half Kilmers, and he was sexy as hell, so it’s not like he would have to drop back down entirely to one Kilmer to get paroled from MBPfFBGA.

      • PWG said

        Here’s the IMDB page for memorable quotes from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. They should’ve just posted the entire script. I love that movie.

        Perry: My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they’ll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up “idiot” in the dictionary. You know what you’ll find?

        Harry: A picture of me?

        Perry: No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

  3. Glad to know I’m not the only person out there who’s immediate reaction to this picture yesterday was “how do those two sex it up?”. Shaq’s dick would need to be seriously disproportionately small in order to fit in any of this Hoopz lady’s orifices. It just can’t fit!! SCIENCE! I actually just assumed he lubed up her armpit and sexed that or something.

    I think Shaq will likely stay far away from sex tapes what with that whole court case he’s involved in now where supposedly he ordered people kidnapped and MURDERED over one. So the logistics of their canoodling will have to remain a mystery until one or more of us is invited to join them in what would arguably be the most diverse and bizarre orgy in history.

  4. tiffanized said

    He looks three feet taller than her in that first picture. I did way more triangulation than I’d like to admit to determine if she really is only two feet shorter. It involved a ruler, a printout and some poorly done math. It’s been a slow night.

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