This Week in Kristen Stewart Wants IT #W

August 12, 2011

First…

HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING FRIDAY!!!!

It’s Friday! Not Thursday! It’s this day and not that day! I greased up my body! Going to slide around my foyer! Because that’s what I do on Friday!

I hope you all have great and wonderful Friday fridays and I hope you have the best week’s end weekend!

Lastly, I have 4 pictures of Kristen Stewart from W magazine. If there are more pictures please send a link and I’ll get to them next week. Just saying, I don’t want to miss out on any of the want.

So…

Let’s…

Unleash…

The…

WANT!!!!!

Holy green eyes! Is that even Kristen Stewart? That looks like the prettiest “real doll” I have ever seen in my freaking life. And classy too. Real dolls are usually so slutty, but this one is classy and demure enough that I think I could take her home to meet my folks. It would be like Lars and the Real Girl, but it wouldn’t be nearly as acceptable due to me not being Ryan Gosling. If that was Paul Giamatti with a real doll then you would be like, “hey, pervert! That’s a doll, you sicko. Get out of my town before we tar and feather you. But you’d probably like that, you creep!” Anyway, if anyone was planning on making a Kristen Stewart wanting IT real doll then give a huge thank you to W magazine.

Do you know what really tells me this is Kristen Stewart? The Want… and the teeth. Her bunny teeth are as much apart of her persona to me as the want is. Bunny teeth or bust, am I right? I think they’re great. And looking at her bunny teeth is making me really get a good look at her lips and damn! Look at dem lips. When did Kristen Stewart get Angelina Jolie lips? I find it both hot and both oxymoronic that a girl as skinny as Kristen Stewart is can have big ole’ fat pouty lips. Like Kate Bosworth. She has big lips and she has about 25 pounds combined for the rest of her body. How is that possible?

Don’t get me wrong… the Want looks hot. She just kinds of doesn’t look real.

Also, this is how I picture people to look when they get full shot of want in their face. Just flat dead eyes that are sucking in all that they can see and as if light has forced them from a 3D form of creases and folds to a 2D photoshop. Or this is what I looked like last night when the NFL preseason started and I got to see LIVE football for the first time since February and after all the chaos of these ass clowns making it seem like I would never get football again.


I like this picture better.

A. The want is in some full effect here. So much her hand has feebly attempted to shield some of the want, but that has failed.

B. I can tell this is Kristen Stewart immediately. The last picture, it took me a minute. Kristen’s photos look best when they have her … hmmm… doing something. These lifeless pictures like the last one are not her forte. The kid has some personality and she needs to show it. In general, I believe that about most and if not all modeling pictures. I think it should be more than “I will make your skin as lineless and as soft as a baby’s bottom and then I will light you until you cannot see the beginnings or middles of your nose and finally I will photoshop the shit out of you until you look like a porcelain vase. Yes, I want to fuck porcelain vases! AHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! And say cheese!” Don’t you wish all fashion photographers still said “cheese” before each picture.

C. This is how I watched the Republican National Debate last night on Fox News. I watched with my hand to my face looking between my fingers like it was a horror movie, but thoroughly wanting it to continue and loving every fucking moment of it. Seriously, I hope they keep putting Pawlenty and Bachmann next to each other because THERE WILL BE BLOOD! I love it. Those two need to kill each other with longswords like they’re in Highlander – “There can only be ONE!… from Minnesota!” So good. As for the rest, Romney is still running like he’s running against Obama and not the rest on stage. And the rest of the field got like 10 minutes between them over those 2+ hours to say anything because everything is focused on the three nutjobs already mentioned. In the time that they did have, I think Santorum actually did great. I think he lead a very pointed attack and I’ll give him tons of credit for trying to make a stand for himself and not to be left on the side of the road the way these debates are trying to. Santorum for bad or for bad is running for President and he doesn’t want it to end before the damn thing even starts. As for Newt, he slayed a few answers like the question about the “super committee”. Newt doesn’t have the charisma or any likeability at all, but the man’s got a brain and he knows how to use it if you put the questions to him. He’s certainly not what the Republican party is looking for, but I’m rooting for him to get more time on these debates because he makes the rest of them look foolish. Huntsman, Perry, Cain well I’m not sure any of them got to say more than three words, so who cares? Certainly we don’t. The one answer I do remember for Huntsman about how physically responsible and amazing Utah is – well, who gives a fuck? It’s Utah! That’s one of those states that people forget exists. Plus you’re more Mormon than Romney and that will not go over well with enormity of our country that is not Mormon. And lastly and my least favorite, Ron Paul. I only heard him say a few things and they were typical garbage like usual and I loved Santorum putting Paul into his place for being a complete hypocrite that Paul is this “libertarian” who is championing state’s rights above all else, but at the same time is coming up with National decrees that would go against state’s rights, so he’s just an old useless old old old man.

D. This is how I picture Kristen Stewart watching you in the shower. Just staring like a mama lion at some prey. She wants IT!

This is a sexy picture and everything, but I don’t think this is Kristen Stewart’s type of sexy picture. I have looked at a billion pictures of this broad and I can tell you one thing (similar to what I was saying before) the bitch is about action. She is aggressive. Her passivity in a picture is not her strength. It’s cute and she’s pretty and all, but I bet if we’re just sticking to Twilight girls that this shoe would fit better on Ashley Greene’s foot. Meanwhile, a picture taking from a perspective of someone lying on a bed and Kristen Stewart about to climb on to that bed on all fours coming right at you to sex attack you would be a lot better. Kristen Stewart’s photoshoot persona more or less is this badass aggressive chick… this doesn’t portray that. This doesn’t have that attitude. But I’d still do her in this picture if that’s what you’re asking. Isn’t that what we’re always asking?

Holy DSLs! AM I RIGHT?! I have no idea what is going on in this picture. Kristen Stewart is wearing a bra and a leather jacket and seemingly nothing else and she woke up on this couch and is trying to cover her “mound” as George RR Martin would say. I’m not sure I understand the storylines of these pictures at all. I also wouldn’t know that was Kristen Stewart until I noticed the bunny teeth between those pillows lips. If I had a storyline for this scene it would be it’s the 1980’s and Kristen Stewart just had sex with the guitarist from Whitesnake and now he’s up to have a smoke and is already talking to his tour manager about the chicks somewhere else as well as maybe some STDs that he has. Kristen looks down and notices the blood between her legs because she just lost her virginity. Her fucking Doug Aldrich of Whitesnake was her high school fantasy and she’s in high school. She is scared and feels alone and realizes what horror she’s in. She scrambles off when they’re not looking with the jacket and whatever clothes she can find. She’s a wreck for the rest of the day as her fantasy was nothing like she expected – fucking the drunk sweaty Aldrich on a couch in the common room backstage while his bandmates lay drugged out asleep next to them. A few weeks go by and she starts to feel sick and depressed and can’t get herself happy again. Then she starts throwing up a lot and goes to the doctors… Kristen Stewart is pregnant with the guitarist from Whitesnake’s baby! Now, it becomes a traveling 16 and Pregnant as Stewart tries to track down Aldrich on the Whitesnake national Snakebite tour.

So… we should make that movie, right?

Anyway…

Kristen Stewart wants IT…

And I hope you have the greatest fucking weekend fucking ever!

I love you?

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8 Responses to “This Week in Kristen Stewart Wants IT #W”

  1. tiffanized said

    The Whitesnake guitarist story reminds me of Liv Tyler wanting to lose her virginity to Rex Manning on Rex Manning Day in Empire Records.

    I would say something about the debates but I didn’t watch them. The only two Republican candidates I can stomach are Jon Huntsman (who apparently said he was in favor of civil unions last night, so I’m guessing they hauled him in for some “re-education” sessions today) and Fred Karger who wasn’t allowed to participate in the debates even though he is arguably polling at 1% which is apparently all you need these days*. My guess is he was left out because he likes the penis. “We already have a chick and a black guy, Fred. A gay man would be overkill. Better luck in 2016.”

    *I feel like that’s not a lot. Personally I think Lil Wayne could outpoll all of these jokers if he wanted. He gets over a hundred thousand “Likes” on Facebook when he ties his shoes.

  2. PWG said

    I think those pictures are sensational, except for the last one where it looks like it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

    I’m glad you used these instead of photos from the debate. Apparently if you use shots of Bachmann looking like a slightly crazed husky, it goes poorly for you. It would be awesome to see all the candidates’ glamor shots, wouldn’t it?

  3. it’s beyond any description ! She gathers all the virtues & the beauty of a smart lady that we often see on the cover of splendid magazines only ! She is a marvel ;

  4. cledbo said

    Proof that makeup artists can do *ANYTHING*. Well they make Cybil Shepard look half human, bazinga.

    Thanks for the twitter shoutout PWG, I’m so lazy with Twitter I haven’t bothered in fo-eva. The Census totally happened though, and continues to happen, and I got on TV: I’m the chick with the sunglasses, handing over a form to the crazy miner guy. Go me!

  5. iwantit2 said

    You miss this picture:
    http://www.imagebam.com/image/b291b6144750996

    The want is very much apparent in that.

  6. Nicole said

    That last story was brilliant lol

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