The Second Half Of August Already? What A Shit Month For Movies.

August 16, 2011

I didn’t do an August’s movies previews, but after bearing through the first 16 days and with 15 more to go – I can sum up this month with one word: bleh.

Bleh is defined as an utter dissatisfaction with even the idea of attempting to do this something.

Also, my wordpress is all jittery and stumbling along like a cerebral palsy patient running a 5K.

What’s up WordPress? The Kristen Stewart pictures slowing you down? Can’t handle the want?

Is it the other wordpress blogs slowing you down and not me? Is it all the irreverent comedy about being white or the semi-factual political ramblings of a school teacher with too much time on their hands or is it all those awkward family photo pictures eating the bandwidth?

I did do a preview write-up on The Change-Up and The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I have not seen anything positive or negative written about The Change-Up, so I think everyone forgot it was a plausible option to spend your life on. As for Apes, I have seen a lot of people saying they saw it, but I’m iffy about what is it they thought of it. Are people pushing people to see it because of how ridiculous it is? That seems fair. I’ve noticed a few chicks have seen it that I have some to minor internet contact with and I believe they would go see any movie featuring James Franco on the infinitesimal chance he’ll show up to that screening (high) and try to pull the bottomless popcorn bucket gag on them (there’s no popcorn in the bucket, just a whole lot of James Franco’s Green Goblin… I’m guessing it is green). Either way, I would highly suggest you take whatever $10 you are planning on giving to a movie theater to see one of these movies and instead give that money to a charity. That may not seem like much, but if everyone did that then instead of $50 million going to dumb ass CGI apes then $50 million could have gone to saving real apes that have feelings and do sign language.

I did see 30 Minutes or Less, as mentioned yesterday. I recommend it. I recommend it for the people who are fans of the individuals in the movie, preferably at least 2 of them. If your a fan of Jesse Eisenberg only then you may only be a fan in that “I want him as my self-effacing, wears a blazer all the time with jeans, and will discuss books – real literature books, not like paranormal teen romance – with me in public at a cafe and he’ll get so excited talking about them his hands will shake like a little puppy when it’s cold and then I’ll take care of him and most likely have consensual sex with him on my coach when my roommate’s not there and he’ll be awkward and he’ll fumble, but it will be nice and innocent and he’ll be grateful for the sex instead of like Johnny your ex who used to make crude jokes in public and would walk around your apartment only in his underwear and leer at your roommate and constantly ask about if she’s single or not and then make some not-so-subtle reference to the three of you having sex together for his birthday or even your birthday to spice things up a bit and he always drank Miller Lite and would talk with food in his mouth and his favorite jokes in any comedy show were the slapstick parts, but never understood the subtle sarcasm in between the prat falls of The Office.

What was I saying? Oh right, 30 Minutes or Less was funny.

What is left for this terrible month of movies?

Final Destination 5 – If you’ve seen the other 4 then why on Earth are you reading this blog? I can only imagine people who have sat through all four of the Final Destination movies do not know how to read and are solely entertained by flashing lights and shiny things and that is why you have sat through those movies. Also, you may be a high school boy wearing a headband and fingerless gloves with a vietnam style jacket on and you spend all of your days watching every single horror movie ever made regardless of the quality of them and you may have actually traveled through a dimensional portal to get to this time and age because you are really a teenage stereotype from an 80’s movie like The Lost Boys or Summer School. Don’t see this movie. Go do that charity thing with the money and help women take back the night or buy mosquito nets for kids in Africa.

Glee 3D – Why? Isn’t this show on TV everyday? It feels like it to me. I can’t convince you to not see this if you are a person who watches this show enough that you are considering seeing the movie. You are way past hope at this point.

One Day – Oh GOD! WHY?! This movie looks atrocious. When girls say they are not complicated and guys just need to do this or just need to be straight forward and blah blah blah and then they wonder why guys think they have to do something magnanimous to get a girl’s attention… well this is that reason. You see these movies and you say that this isn’t what you want, but we all know that’s bullshit because you’re there watching this farce and crying and falling in love with Jim Sturggess or whatever flavor of the month it is. Hey can I ask you out? Or do I have to ask you out and then go only on dates with you on the same day once every year or 5 years and each time we see each other I have to make a life changing change to you and you have to make a life changing moment for me and it all has to happen on the Thames? I’m just saying, we’re at a bar and I kind of would like to buy you dinner and then maybe get to second base after I’ve made you laugh and convinced you I’m not a serial killer and that I’m cool with you loving Jake Gyllenhaal more than me forever.

Conan 3D – You would think I would say GO SEE THIS MOVIE… when in fact YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL and I would say take a dump on this movie. Take big ole’ dump all over it. This movie looks terrible. Something I may hate more than romantic comedies is paint by numbers patronizing shitty action films. This movie is that. The main guy looks jacked and everything, but it takes more than that. First, he is clearly doing a deep voice that is not his voice. It sounds so phony. Second, this movie looks more like Karl Urban’s Pathfinder than it does Conan the Barbarian. It looks like Conan is less Medieval warrior stepping from a Frank Frazetta painting and looks more like a Samoan sword wielding Apocalypto. It doesn’t look good and I bet the 3D for it is worthless like the Clash of the Titans 3D was. If anything this will be on Netflix by the end of the years, so wait for it then.

Fright Night – I think this movie could be fun. I’m having a hard time deciding how funny or how actiony this movie will be. It looks like it could be as fun as Disturbia was without all that nonsense of having annoying as Shia in there. There’s a chance this movie could be good. We’ll see though. The director, Craig Gillespie, did Lars and the Real Girl and Mr. Woodcock. Well, I love Lars and I’m meh on Woodcock, but it shows some promise. He’s also directed a bunch of that Toni Collette show on Showtime, but I’ve never watched that. Nevertheless, I’m mildly hopeful for this. I really don’t care for the Anton Yelchin casting as the main guy, but maybe he’ll surprise me. I’m betting there are much worse options than seeing this movie. It’s got that Disturbia vibe and it has a Jennifer’s Body vibe, but there won’t be any amazing lesbian kisses I would imagine. Anyway, I possibly could see this.

Spy Kids 4D – WHY?! Why Joel McHale why?! Actually, I guess any time you get the change to pretend you are banging Jessica Alba – YOU TAKE IT! And there is money involved with acting, but lord knows this has to eat at your integrity. If I had a kid they would never see a solitary second of these Spy Kids movies. I don’t care what people say – just saying something is for children and then it is filled with flashing lights and yelling doesn’t mean kids should actually be allowed to watch it.

Colombiana – Eh. Zoe Saldana is a sexy lady. This storyline feels a little played out recently with this slew of chicks who definitely don’t look like they could kill anyone are really badass killers. The director doesn’t inspire much confidence either with him directing Transporter 3. I’m probably not going to see it, but may end up catching some of it one day while flipping through channels. The trailer is absolutely annoying with the guy repeating over and over remember where you come from. I get it. I think she’ll remember. The only reason I say support this movie is Zoe is a sexy lady as mentioned and really we need to support sexy ladies, right sexy ladies? Secondly, Zoe is from Jersey, so Jersey sexy lady pride and all.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – No idea, but sounds dumb.

Our Idiot Brother – I think people are going to see this praying for another Little Miss Sunshine  comedy where it’s like I laughed and I also thought about stuff and maybe I think I learned something I’ll forget on the car ride home. A lot of good white people are this movie – Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Adam Scott, Emily Mortimer, Steve Coogan. Plus there’s the bi-racial angel Rashida Jones. At the very least, if you like going into a Starbucks and judging people whether or not you would fuck them then this movie is filled with the cream of the crop of coffee house hotties. Can’t you just imagine Zooey ordering some latte with foam and then taking the lid off that latte and taking a sip from that latte and then she gets some foam on her top lip and then she parts her lips to let her tongue lick that foam off her top lip and then maybe there’s some left so she wipes it off with a finger then licks the foam off her fingertip. I mean we’re talking an espressoboner, am I right? I’m like Starbucks more like Starfucks am I right? And I’m purely equal opportunity. Maybe it is Adam Scott. Maybe he’s the one licking all this foam off hips lips and maybe he has some on the tip of angular nose and maybe Rashida Jones kisses it off right off the tip of it and you’re in a cappucinoboner threeway in Starbucks.

The Debt – This looks like a lot of other movies and I’m kind of indifferent on it. Jews doing the Jew secret agent thing, but they’re all played by British or Australian (not as foppy and more crazy, but similar British) actors. I really couldn’t care any less about this movie. It seems like a BBC TV version of Munich. More drama and subtle glances in dimly lit rooms instead of machine guns.

Those are your movies… choose wisely.

I suggest getting in touch with your Netflix and watching The Trip. Most of you ladies are anglophiles, so instead of being doe eyed over the young pretty ones, maybe you can watch two of the bit older and talented ones in Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.

Anything else going on?

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5 Responses to “The Second Half Of August Already? What A Shit Month For Movies.”

  1. I’ve seen the commercial for Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark a few times, usually during Teen Mom and/or Jersey Shore. It’s just this clip of a little girl burrowing under some sheets and then all of a sudden some corpse-puppet leaps out at her. Meh. Looks stupid. Easy to miss buried amongst all the commercials for condoms and energy drinks.

    I surprised myself in wanting to see Fright Night. I’d also see Our Idiot Brother, but that’s more my typical style anyway. Really, I’m pretty likely to see anything with Paul Rudd in it (bonus for Adam Scott), even if it only looks “meh” (por ejemplo: Dinner for Schmucks).

    This list is just depressing. Is there nothing good coming out until The Dark Knight Rises? Because that’s what it feels like.

  2. PWG said

    I saw The Change-Up, and it was pretty much what I expected, which is to say, “Meh.” But I’m not an enormous Ryan Reynolds or Jason Bateman fan. (Don’t kill me, HB, he’s fine, fine I say!) I was thinking that if we’re going to rate political candidates on the basis of how attractive they are, that we could just nominate Olivia Wilde for something. I don’t know if she knows anything about politics, but I could definitely stare at her reading a teleprompter for a while.

  3. PWG said

    I saw Final Destination 2, and I thought it was really funny. Not funny enough to see 1, 3, 4 or 5, necessarily, but for that kind of movie it was pretty good.

    I can pretty much guarantee I won’t see any of the movies up there. Fuck you, August!

  4. As is the habit for Moroccan TV , during ramadan the holy month of fasting viewres keep stuck to the little screen . Soon after the break-fast they ought to be spell-bound on a daily basis with some 20 mns of humoristic sitcom . It’s a serial TV program that helps forget the long languid day of denunciating food and drinks according to the precepts of Islam and at the same time digest the varied menu at the table of any Moroccan family . consider for ex : ‘ we are neighbours ‘ , it’s nice serie revolving around the daily life and activities of coexisting families in the same flat , their daily preocupations and the interaction between each-other constitutes moments of joy and distraction for the spectator . It also reflects the number of social aspects that may influence little families living side by side and sharing the same difficulties in life . The owner of the flat is a retired worker turning back from France to continue his old age by settling down in Morocco . He earns his living together with his wife by rent returns of the flat in question . In addition to a small appartment Abellah also rents a work-shop at the basement of the flat performing the job of a mecanic . Another character is a bank employer living together with his wife souad . Ghita’s husband works in a factory and is considered to be lazy guy relying mostly on his wife who is most of the time complaining about her his laziness . The Flat owner’s wife also runs a hair-dresser saloon in order to cover the the high cost of life . Once a mecanic apprentice of Abdellah in the work-shop Oussama is now executing the job of the flat’s door-keeper . Within the ebb and flow of relation-ships between all the families and the rest of the characters , we attend to numerus scenes of antagonism sometimes ending up with agreement whereas in other occasions the split puts the characters into anxiety and utmost anger towards each-other . All is presented in comic and satirical mould .

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