The People Have Spoken; Well Done People… And the Karate Kid sequels discussion

August 22, 2011

… but honestly it won’t matter at all.

Yes, the people have spoken! Boo remakes! The people did not go to the movies this weekend and if they did – it was not to see vampires, horror or shitty action… all in 3D! Excellent job people. I guess. Over the weekend, the two movies that debuted were Conan the Barbarian and Fright Night. As for their weekend grosses were in a word “gross”.

CONAN – $10 million

FRIGHT NIGHT – $8.3 million

WOWZERS!!!!

Holy failure, Batman!

The studio execs and the media may blame this shitty shitty shitty opening weekend on the “dog days of Summer”, but that is retarded. I don’t have a better word to use besides retarded because that is just a retarded notion. Movies don’t fail this badly for any other reason than no one wanted to see them. I had not read from a single person that they were excited to see Conan in the least bit. Many had pointed out how the movie looked a lot less “barbarian” in terms of European and a lot more Samoan or Islander-y. Sure, that could be racist, but either way it didn’t sell tickets.

As for Fright Night, it got so many good reviews — wha wha what happened?! Fright Night is at a solid 74% right now on Rotten Tomatoes. Generally movies of its ilk do not get positive reviews like this. If you’re curious Conan is drowning around 25%. Funnily enough, Fright Night’s 74% is one percent higher than The Help’s 73%, which was what won the weekend in its second week out.

The Help making $20+ is a solid effort for that movie in general. Even with Rise of the Planet of the Apes in its 3rd week making over $16+ million is decent. Spy Kids 4D made $12 million. I really don’t know what that movie was supposed to make, but I think you’re a questionable parent if you’re taking your kid to see that bullshit. Those Spy Kids movies (all of them) look fucking atrocious. I guess that’s easy for me to say as a non-parent. I’m not dealing with whatever screaming nonsense that kid is usually making, so I’d probably dump them in a movie that screams and shoots colors more than they do just to drown them out for an hour or two. But we are feeding the problem doing this. It’s a never ending cycle until they become a goth and stop talking altogether, but to write their poetry or sing in an emo black metal band.

Anyway… what’s my point? People did go to the movies this weekend. They just didn’t want to see those movies. Why? I don’t know. People make a lot of questionable decisions when seeing movies, but whatever is the conclusion it’s not that it was too hot out. That’s a stupid answer. When it’s too hot people like AC and malls and movie theaters have that. Everyone wasn’t at the beach or even have access to one.

Maybe people don’t find Colin Farrell that sexy anymore. Maybe people just don’t care about him being a vampire or not. Maybe people really don’t know about the original movie Fright Night. Maybe Fright Night wasn’t as big of a deal to people as they thought and the title of that movie is almost too cheesy for audiences now. Maybe Anton Yelchin isn’t as marketable as Shia LaBeouf. Maybe that guy who played Dr. Who of all the previous Dr. Whos isn’t that famous to get people to go see the movie. Maybe people couldn’t decide whether it was a comedy or a horror movie and didn’t trust it like the white Airhead with the mystery flavor that always tastes the same, so when they got to the theater they decided to watch all those white ladies gossip with the slave ladies and write a book about it… or maybe people saw ABC Family was running a Karate Kid marathon all weekend and decided to stay inside and watch that.

As for my role in all of this, I did the latter and re-watched Karate Kid part II and Karate Kid part III.

There are 5 Karate Kid movies in total. The original, II, III, The Next with Hilary Swank, and the reboot with Will Smith’s kid. There is a nice simplicity in these movies that depending on how far away from the original one you are watching the worse it has gotten. The first is the best, the second one sucks, the third one sucks more, the Next sucks even more and the one with Will Smith’s kid is terrible.

Some may disagree that the second is better than the third, but I disagree right back! Sure, they’re back in the USA in the third and they’re back in the All Valley tournament and all that, but they really destroy the Daniel Larusso character in this movie. In the third Karate Kid, Daniel-san is a complete bitch. He makes all the wrong decisions, he is completely gullible, it’s the first of the movies where he doesn’t get laid, it ends with him not only not getting the girl, but he barely wins. It’s the most hollow victory ever. Daniel-san gets the shit beat out of by the hired gun Matt Barnes in the tournament. The only reason Daniel even beats Barnes is because Barnes is intentionally almost throwing the fight because he wants to beat up Daniel as long as possible and then take the fight into “sudden death” where he only has to score one more point then win.

You guessed it… Daniel gets the one point and wins.

Daniel also doesn’t do the famed “Crane kick”, which actually only ever works in the first movie. Chozen (the bad guy in the second movie) blocks what Mr. Miyagi had led us to believe to be an unblockable Crane kick, which begs the question – did Miyagi lie or is Daniel not doing the movie, right? I’m guessing it is the latter because Daniel sucks donkey balls. Anyway, Daniel gets the shit beat out of him throughout all of the third movie and it is Mr. Miyagi who has to come in each and every time to save his ass. Miyagi kicks a lot of ass in the third movie. Also, the bad guy in the third movie Terry Silver is just way too much. He is a cartoonish villain. It is an interesting idea for him to try and take Daniel from Miyagi, but in the end he doesn’t succeed with that. He does succeed I guess in making Daniel a bitch, but that kid seemed pretty prone to that anyway. In all three of the Karate Kid movies Daniel doesn’t seem to gain a pound and only gets more and more goofy.

Shia Labeouf and Ralph Macchio have a lot in common especially in the third movie. They yell a lot. Yeah, Ralph always looks undersized and dorky in all these movies, but his random yelling and emotional outbursts that Shia is really well-known for in his “acting” is on its best display in the third.

In conclusion…

The Karate Kid, part II is better because Daniel-san really wins the final fight by beating his opponent and not just out pointing him. Daniel also gets some Japanese poon tang in the second movie. Daniel breaks six sheets of ice with a karate chop, which is badass. And the bad guy, Chozen, is absolutely incredible. Chozen is a mix of Tony Montana from Scarface and I guess a Japanese teenager with martial arts skills. Plus the beginning of the movie starts off with the aftermath of the first movie and Mr. Miyagi besting John Kreese in the parking lot following the tournament.

The Karate Kid, part III is worse because Daniel-san doesn’t win a single fight on his own. Mr. Miyagi does beat up a ton of people, but Mr. Miyagi isn’t the “karate kid” – he would be the “karate senior citizen”. Daniel doesn’t win the girl. He actually chooses a platonic relationship with a girl and she leaves him right as he needs her most, but since they weren’t fucking or anything I guess she had no reason to stay. She literally just leaves and they actually leave on kind of shitty terms. Plus the movie kind of makes Tiger Schulman’s karate seem evil. I really can’t think of any other mass marketed karate gym and in the end of Karate Kid part III that’s what their goal is to do with the Cobra Kai gyms. Just seems like a rabbit punch to them.

Also…

Chicks just leave Daniel Larusso. If anything Daniel clearly is not offering these chicks the BBD. In the first movie, Elizabeth Shue goes slumming for a few months hooking up with Daniel. It really just seems like she wanted a change of pace. Daniel’s new to town, dark hair, tan, oddly Hispanic, working class and he has an old Japanese man as his best friend. Seriously, how could you not bone him? But she’s not in the second movie. Supposedly in the script she went backpacking to Europe, which we all know she had to dump Daniel to go do that because “backpacking” means “whoring it up with all the guys with accents, which is every guy”. In the second, again Daniel is the new flavor. Yukie is Japanese living in a farming village in Japan and now some oddly Cuban looking American comes to town. Why not hump him every way till Tuesday? But in the beginning of the third movie, we find out that Yukie got a job and she took that instead of moving to America with Daniel. Maybe girls are getting sick of all his button up shirts tucked into his jeans. Maybe they’re sick of seeing his skinny all bones ass. Ralph Macchio is pretty much manorexic in all these movies. Lastly, in the third, the girl would rather try to get back together with her boyfriend who still lives in Ohio than to get down with Daniel. For shame.

I didn’t make this pic by the way… but those are Daniel’s two hook ups in the first two movies…

Also also…

Every garden that Mr. Miyagi makes is eventually destroyed by Daniel’s enemies. The Cobra Kai kids ransack Miyagi’s garden. The Japanese hoodlums who dress like they’re from Miami destroy Miyagi’s garden. And the hired karate guns who want Daniel to enter the tournament destroy Miyagi’s banzai tree shop. It’s really just inevitable that someone will break all the plants in Miyagi’s life whenever Daniel is around.

Hmmmm….

That’s about it.

The first Karate Kid is a great movie and the sequels are kind of out of control.

And… I saw this this morning…

I don’t think this movie will be good and I did hate Thor, but…

That…

Is…

BAD…

FUCKING…

ASS!!!!

I wish I could simulate hitting a car with a prop hammer and a mid-size sedan would fly off like a baseball I clubbed the shit out of.

How was your weekend?

What did you do?

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6 Responses to “The People Have Spoken; Well Done People… And the Karate Kid sequels discussion”

  1. PWG said

    I saw The Next Karate Kid on TV this weekend, but it was playing against Deep Blue Sea. Now the small, easily frightened children were in the room, so what would you pick? The movie with lessons about girl power and underdogs and believing in yourself? Or the movie about gigantic bionic mako sharks just chomping the living fuck out of everything in sight? Sharks, right? We tried to flip back to the NKK during the actual DBS eating-people parts, but it was always some lame “Mr. Miyagi, can you help me pick out a prom dress?” dialogue.

    Until the tension filled “dorsal fin slicing through the water, getting closer and closer and closer” scene when my husband suddenly grabbed the 6-year old’s shoulders from the back and he let out a neverending shriek of unholy volume. Then he was scared and embarrassed so he started sobbing into the curtains and Mr. PWG felt really, really bad. We’ve done our job as parents: the kids are now terrified of sharks and LL Cool J.

  2. PWG said

    I also saw the remake of Arthur with Russell Brand and Battle: Los Angeles. For the sake of my pride, I’ll point out that I didn’t pick either of them.

    Arthur was pretty much exactly how I remembered the original, not sure why they remade that. Battle: LA was way too shaky-cam, plus it was just one big explosion after another, with people shouting at each other the whole time. Aaron Eckhart did have one tender scene where he told a newly orphaned boy that he was “the best little Marine,” but I ruined that moment for everyone by falling into convulsive laughter.

  3. Nix said

    Well. NOTHING can top PWG’s weekend so I won’t even bother…

    • PWG said

      Yes, the bar for Weekend Highlights has been set at “psychological child abuse,” who can limbo under that puppy?

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