You Know You WANT IT. Don’t Even Try To Fucking Lie To Me. Now, You Are Going To Get IT!

August 23, 2011

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!

KOALAS!?!?!?!

ALLIGATORS!?!?!?!

BEARS!??!?!?!?!?!?!?1?

CHEETAHS!?!?!?!?!?!

COUGARS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

FOSSAS!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

….

..

.

MOTHERFUCKING NO!!!!!! N-O!!!!

Listen very closely…

The first animal of our two animal videos is a…

shhhh….

shhh…

shh…

sh…

s…

… … s

BABY ELEPHANT!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!! SO CUTE!!!! GET! INTO! THAT! FUCKING! POOL!!!!! ALREADY!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET IN THE DAMN POOL!!!!

YOU’RE SO FUCKING CLOSE TO GETTING INTO THAT DAMN POOL!!!!

Yes, you’ve got it, you’ve got it…. NO!!! FUCK!!!! You curled up the side again! Damn it! What I would give for you to finally accomplish your goal of sitting in that hilarious small inflatable pool, baby elephant. DO IT! DO IT ALREADY AND MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE!!!! Yes, you got it… you almost have it… now just step ove— FUCK!!!! DAMN IT, BABY ELEPHANT!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET INTO THAT FUCKING POOL!!!!

shhhhh…. ok… shhh … let’s all keep a level head here including and especially you, baby elephant. Now, just focus on that task at hand. Actually, let’s start from the beginning.

You are a baby elephant. You clearly see that there is cool and clean water coming out of the hose that zookeeper, Geoff, is holding. The water is accumulating in this plastic ring structure on the ground. You want into that ring structure. Now, the problem is that it isn’t a very sturdy structure and you are a clumsy and extremely heavy baby elephant. So, let’s just think about this. You will need to take careful step over the short pink retaining wall and make sure all four of your big baby elephant are inside and then you will be able to ease baby elephant-ness/self down onto the thin plastic bottom of the structure where there is at the most an inch of water lying in wait for you. Oh how sweet life will be once you just accomplish this task—

FUCK!!!! YOU FUCKED IT UP AGAIN!!!! AHAHHHAHAHAHHHHHHHH DAMN IT!!!

There’s only 10 seconds left in the video and you’re not any closer to getting into the pool then when I was first presented with this universe of a baby elephant trying to get into a comically small inflatable pool.

FUCK!

And it’s over.

Damn you, baby elephant. I have not been more disappointed in the outcome of a video since I watched the first season of Treme. John Goodman just kills himself? That’s it! That’s what I’m taking away from New Orleans? People just kill themselves for the fuck of it? Great TV show. I guess you have to fail at some point. Homicide was great, The Wire was the greatest, The Corner was good, Generation Kill was the greatest… and Treme was fun and then wildly unfulfilling.

I still love you, baby elephant. But I am mad at you.

I will say that whichever company made that inflatable pool should definitely use this as their commercial. If a baby elephant can’t break this pool by stomping on it continuously for who knows how long then your stupid little evil kids shouldn’t be able to either. Or at least without weapons. Kids do find weapons though. I remember having a cache of pointed sticks hidden in the backyard of my house, so my next door neighbor and I could have easy access to them when the invisible ninja army would lay siege to our homes. Just for clarification – I was in kindergarten. Although, I won’t lie – if my friends were up for it nowadays, I would still fight invisible ninjas with pointed sticks. I feel like the fight has left them as they’ve gotten older. That fire to destroy all invisible ninjas is just not in their heart anymore.

It’s sad really.

Hmmmmm… … … we need something up lifting now.

OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE A SECOND ANIMAL VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!! YES!!!! MOTHERFUCKING YES!!!!!

What is the animal?

I’ll give you a hint…

It is fucking bad ass.

I’ll give you a second hint…

It would eat you if it could.

I’ll give you a third hint…

It has appeared in several movies.

Do you think you have it?

Ok…

The…

Animal…

In…

The…

Second…

Animal…

Video…

In…

Today’s…

Post…

About…

Animal…

Videos…

Which…

Will…

Also…

Be…

The…

Last…

Animal…

Video…

For…

Today’s…

Post…

But…

Really…

You…

Only…

Need…

This…

Video…

To…

Get…

You…

Through…

The…

Rest…

Of…

The…

Day…

Especially…

Since…

You…

Already…

Saw…

The…

Baby…

Elephant…

Video…

Ok…

I’ll…

Stop…

Stalling…

The…

Animal…

Is…

A…

DINOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is the entire video. Just that sound. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! All from the mouths of children.

Can you think of a more pleasant sound then an entire school of children screaming in both wild terror/complete amusement? It is as if their world could not be more exciting and more closer to ending every fucking second. It’s just I’m going to die and this may be the greatest moment of my life all the time. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! I DON’T WANT IT TO EVER END!!!!! That’s what she said, am I right?

Also, I fucking hate every single one of these children because they got this dinosaur to come to their school and I didn’t.

Plus, dinosaur is enough of a description.

I know people, including myself – yeah, I know me, that like to get all nerdy with the dinosaur names. They’ve all got great crazy names that sound as big and ridiculous as most dinosaurs are. And yeah, I’ve seen Jurassic Park a 100 times and so have you if you’ve lived your life properly and I’ve read the book and I know most of you have as well. But let’s be honest here… if you’re having a conversation and you bring up DINOSAURS and the person is like holding back their enthusiasm and is like “well, what dinosaur was it?” then you can just fucking kick them in the fucking face and tell them to fuck the fuck off because we’re talking about fucking dinosaurs, you fucking turd!

DINOSAURS!!!!!

They rule! And that’s all you fucking need to know.

Oh, was it a velociraptor? Well, I have a question for you. If it wasn’t a velociraptor and let’s say it was a dilophosaurus, are you not interested in the story anymore? If that’s the case then…

WE’RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE OR EVER AGAIN!!!

What’s up?

Then you nerve pinch them and bounce and make them pick up the check when ever they wake up from unconsciousness.

Advertisements

16 Responses to “You Know You WANT IT. Don’t Even Try To Fucking Lie To Me. Now, You Are Going To Get IT!”

  1. PWG said

    I felt bad for the Mama elephant. At first she’s all, “How cute! He can’t get in the pool, he doesn’t know what it is!”

    But then as time goes on she starts thinking, “Wait, he ,i>really/i> can’t figure this out? It’s a wading pool, not a goddamn wizard summoning circle. It doesn’t even come with instructions, there’s only one fucking thing to do with it, and that’s stand inside. I don’t remember dropping him on his head when he was born. Maybe it was that trough of Heineken I downed before I knew I was pregnant. Or the six more after that. I mean, elephants are pregnant for two years, was I supposed to endure that whole time sober?”

  2. PWG said

    I want the terrorizing velociraptor’s job. I would let them wheel me into the school gym on a little cart like I was a museum exhibit statue, and then when the kids crept up closer to check me out I would leap off the cart with a roar and chase them.

    You know, my kids are either going to grow up to be unflappable jet pilots with nerves of steel, or serial killers.

    • The dude in the dinosaur outfit is awesome. But I feel a little bad for any girlfriend he ever has because this conversation happens at least a dozen times:

      Girlfriend: Sooo I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks…

      Friend/Family Member/Hairdresser/Anyone: WHAT?! You didn’t tell me! What’s his name?! Where did you meet him?!

      Girlfriend: His name’s Todd and we met at a bar. He’s sweet and funny and he loves kids.

      F/FM/H/A: That’s so exciting! What does he do for a living?

      Girlfriend: Oh, well, he’s a…performance artist.

      F/FM/H/A: So he does art shows? Or is he like those people you see on the street doing acrobats and acting like statues?

      Girlfriend: Oh, no, way more legit than that.

      F/FM/H/A: Elaborate?

      Girlfriend: Well… He, uh, dresses up in tights and then puts on this huge dinosaur costume and basically puts on a show for schoolkids. Roaring at them and chasing them and racing them. He’s really very talented because HE LOOKS JUST LIKE A DINOSAUR I SWEAR IT, and in the end it’s basically educational.

      F/FM/H/A: … does he have a long term plan?

  3. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    The 48 second mark is my favorite. Just plain falls. WHY ARE SO KLUTZY YOU STUPID ADORABLE BABY ELEPHANT. Also I really want to know what it does off screen around the 1 minute mark. It looks like a fancy flourish kick. Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t see it because it would really be a shame if I was killed dead by cute.

    For more nauseatingly adorable baby elephant kiddie pool shenanigans, there’s this video (which I would embed but I always fuck it up because for some reason WordPress is a difficult little bitch about it): http://youtu.be/Od7U9GhZg_g

    The 19 second mark is what dreams are made of.

  4. Laphipps said

    Dinosaurs were, are, and always will be THEBESTSHITEVER!!!!! I guess Land Before Time set me up with an obsession.

  5. tiffanized said

    I like how we are supposed to ignore the dinosaur’s camo legs and pretend those backward bent legs are the ones performing the work.

    I can’t even watch the baby elephant fucking around with that pool. I saw it on the news the other morning and was yelling at the teevee. It reminds me of the cat I used to have who would shit on the floor next to the litter box and then put his front paws in the litter and scratch around. Just didn’t get it.

    This baby bear trying to kill a guy is pretty great, because the only difference between cute and horrifying is about a year.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I am now planning my trip to Russia to smuggle a baby bear back in my luggage.

      Also, was that in Russia? Or was that a deleted scene from the movie “The Mist” starring Aaron Eckhart?

  6. Ah MAN! Dinosaurs at school!!!!! First cellphones and now DINOSAURS!!! I SO grew up in the wrong generation…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: