Am I Missing Something Or Have These People Just Gone Crazy?

August 30, 2011

These people are…

Matthew Fox. Elin Nordegren. Movie reviewers. The Hunger Games. Me.

Let’s go back to front…

First thing first- my dream last night was amazing.

It wasn’t so much last night as this morning, but you get the deal. I was on a reality show. In the dream, I was on a reality show where I was living with this guy/family. It appeared that he was rich and was rich from I think being an X-Games like motocross champion or something. Either way, this guy had this really wild house that led into caves and camp grounds and weird stuff like that. But the kicker was, the guy owned 7 wolves. They were pretty young most of them and we spent a good deal of time just playing with them. Petting and goofing around with wolves. That was fun. But the tour wasn’t over… remember those caves? We go into the caves and there are bears in the caves. BEARS! And those bears are his bears and we play with the bears.

The dream was a lot weirder than that because the bears could kind of glow in the dark and so forth. Nevertheless, I had to wake up at some point from a world where I was rasslin’ with wolves and bears for giggles and awake to a world where I’m lying in a bed alone with zero predatory animals that are my pets. Lame.

The Hunger Games

I saw the trailer.

I saw the teaser trailer, I mean.

I know it was only like a minute long and I can’t judge a movie on a minute (or can I?), but…

What in the hell was that?

Did I just watch a trailer for Twilight: New Moon 2.0 – now with bow action! What is with chicks walking around in the woods? Is that what you broads do? Guys leave you alone for a minute and you go wandering off into the woods? Stop it! You’re not supposed to be in the woods. There are wild animals in those woods that are not at all pettable. Real bears. Bears that will eat you. Also, you can’t trust like half the leaves or berries in those woods to be touched or eaten. Everything is semi-poisonous. What happened to going to the mall? I see people going to the mall all the time. There are coffee shops in the mall, there are food courts, there is air conditioning, electricity and minus the leering of old men and/or me there are virtually no predators at the mall.

Anyway… I’m getting off track. Stop wandering in the woods. Is this what the “in” thing is for chicks? Just wandering in woods? Or is this like the Harry Potter thing where you’re like “I relate to these kids because I went to school”, but you didn’t go to “wizard school” did you? So, you really relate to chicks who just wander the woods in search of mystical creatures. It seems very relate-able. But now this unassuming typical brunette teenage girl who wanders the woods in search of mystical creatures has a bow and arrow. I guess that’s progress.

I’ve never read a single sentence from The Hunger Games and I don’t know why I was deluding myself in thinking it wouldn’t look EXACTLY like the Twilight movies, but I didn’t think it would look THAT like the Twilight movies. I mean they’re in the fucking woods! I don’t know why I was thinking it would be any different. It’s just more woods. Fuck if I know why you think the woods are so appealing.

Either way, I watched Winter’s Bone the other day. That movie is gangster. White trash gangs, criminals, growing weed, fighting cops, finding dead bodies, cutting hands off with chainsaws, kidnappings, people threatening to kill each other all the time, gang nicknames like “Tear drop”. Just gangster. That easily could have been set in Detroit or Compton or have been the sequel to Boyz in the Hood, but with a chick as the main character. It was a good movie. Jennifer Lawrence is great in it. So is John Hawkes plus I’m just pro seeing him in movies. Speaking of… I want to see this movie so bad!

Yes, that’s the youngest Olsen child as the main chick. She looks like she can act.

Movie Reviewers

So last night I watched a movie… a movie I have not heard a single thing about in concerns that it is one of the better movies by far that came out this year…

Easily, one of the funniest – if not the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. Well, The Trip was the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. But this could be second. Horrible Bosses and Bridesmaids were funny in that ridiculous big budget Hollywood style. This is more like Anchorman or Step-Brothers with no money or more pinning on the ridiculousness of the words people are saying.

John C. Reilly is heavenly in this movie. He is just out there absurd being the most foul mouthed insurance salesman of all time. Ed Helms does a great job as this wide eyed child minded innocent that is similar to Andy Bernard from The Office. The rest of the cast is nicely rounded out by a bunch of people that you know who all do their part like Senator Clay Davis from The Wire up there in the picture aka Isiah Whitlock Jr. If you look at the cast list it is all actors with names and faces you know and I was pleasantly surprised how funny I thought this movie was.

I also saw Everything Must Go with Will Ferrell, which if you saw the trailer for you would think is a comedy, but IT’S NOT. It has a couple funny moments, but it is most definitely a drama or drama-edy or something. Either way, it gets depressing. If the movie wasn’t so hell bent on being sad, I would have liked it more. I thought it was good and could have been overall really good, but it just wanted to be sad so much that it was hard to get into it. Plus, it felt like a PSA about being an alcoholic at times more than a movie. It’s something different and it was better than Thor.

Elin Nordegren

I don’t really know too much about Elin nor do I seek out updates on her and honestly I forget she’s as ungodly hot as she is. I’m always like – she’s that blonde, right? But then I see a picture of her and I’m DAMN! That was your babysitter, Jesper Parnevik?! Ok, truth be told I do know a lot about Elin and I don’t buy it. Seriously, she was a hot ass Swedish model who was working in a clothing store when Parnevik’s wife asked her to be the nanny of their kids. Wait, what? What?! Isn’t that how porno movies start? Hey you look like a hot chick… how about I bring you into my home where my husband and I can take advantage of you? So honey, what did you get from the clothing store today? Oh you picked up an insanely hot Swedish chick and now she’ll be our kid’s nanny? Not what you usually pick up at clothing stores. You usually don’t buy people at clothing stores and usually not hot Swedish models. Anyway…

That happened. Then Tiger met her. All that stuff happened… and now she’s with some dude named Jamie Dingman. Dingman?!

Apparently, he’s rich and is an international “playboy”. Shocking?!

Anyway, I really just wanted to bring this up. In a few of these articles they’re mentioning how Elin’s new boyfriend Jamie is this playboy and how unfortunate it is for Elin to have “found love” with another wild playboy.

“Found love”? This might be too crass of OK! Magazine or Yahoo news, but “found love” is a little much. How about we just say “fucking”? It turns out that the guy Elin is fucking nowadays is an international playboy. The insanely rich guy who travels the globe that she just recently started fucking has other women on the side most likely. “Found love”? I think we’re giving that relationship or any relationship a lot A LOT more credit than it deserves. I mean not to paint Elin Nordegren as a gold digging hussy, but she just so happens to find herself with the son of a billionaire. I mean I’m sure that was just chance, right?

Anyway, she’s fucking some dude who has got boat loads of cash from his daddy and strangely enough he used to be fucking one of the chicks that Tiger was fucking who was the one who also was fucking David Boreanaz and some other people. Oh wait… I’m sorry. I keep saying “fucking”. I should being saying “found love”. They all “found love” with each other.

Matthew Fox

Did Matthew Fox go nuts or what? Did I read that article correctly about Matthew Fox punching a woman in the stomach and the chest? What in the hell is going on? Matthew Fox?! Who would’ve guessed it?

And so far he got away with it. The cops arrested him then let him go. Way to go police!

Celebrities can do anything.

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5 Responses to “Am I Missing Something Or Have These People Just Gone Crazy?”

  1. The version of the Matthew Fox story that I heard was that he tried to get on a party bus in Cleveland, but the bus driver lady tried to stop him, so he punched her in the boob and the vagina. RIGHT IN ALL HER LADYPARTS! You shouldn’t be hitting ladies to begin with, but definitely not over a party bus in Ohio. What Would Jack Do?! Actually, he’d probably do that. Jack Shepard had some rough times…

    During the hurricane this weekend, my friend found a baby bear in her garage. She chased it out. I want to know why she didn’t hug it first. She must not have seen that Russian video… I wouldn’t last very long in the wild for that very reason, which is why I don’t go on long walks in the woods alone.

    • PWG said

      Jack would totally have punched a woman in the ladyparts. I never liked that guy. I don’t know about Matthew Fox, I hope he was just super drunk and not trying to become the American Sean Connery.

      If I found a baby bear in my garage, the first thing I would do is unplug the garage door opener so it could never leave. Then I would pet it and squeeze it every day until it Montecored me.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I agree with never letting the bear leave. That would have been the last thought that ran through my head. The first thought would have been 1 of 3 things that would have been thought simultaneously:
        1. I’m going to teach it English.
        2. Thank you, God – I have a new best friend.
        3. When its fully grown I’m going to ride it like a horse and the two of us are going to fight crime.

  2. Laphipps said

    The Hunger Games series are sooo good!! Nothing like twilight (which I do have affection for…) Strong leading female character, suspense, and violence! Lots of violence! Trailer sucked but give it a chance!!

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