No Post Wednesday Means There Is A Post

August 31, 2011

I wanted to talk to you all about three things:

1. Submarine… or at least the first half of it

2. Teen Mom

3. Argo Tea

Why sit around licking each others’ metaphorical nipples, so let’s get down to business!

SUBMARINE

I’m watching this movie.

I’m halfway through it and I have some thoughts already about the movie that I feel I need to express to the people of this comatose world. First thing, it’s trying so hard to be the British Rushmore that I want to push it into a locker and shoot it with a paper clip from my rubber band pen gun. That’s first. It’s actually Welsh to be specific. It’s Harry Potter trying to sound like a deep thinker and a detached way too adult 15 year old who is filled from top to toes with quirky idiosyncrasies and doubts and a malaise for life. But, of course, there is a girl he likes. So there’s that. Always that. Anyway, it’s kind of what I expected in that much. I’m not really blown away or particularly interested by this kid or his ever present voice over that I guess is supposed to make me think he is something more than an annoying little Brit kid who thinks too much of himself. Hey kid, play with sticks or masturbate or something. I mean you’re the exact reason why I don’t fear the British. You’ve moved away from imperialists and moved towards tittering quick talking tea drinkers who wear turtlenecks and mock turtlenecks. I mean who is afraid of anyone in Burberry?

So far, the best part has been Paddy Considine and I don’t think he’s spoken more than 10 words. Right now, I have my fingers crossed that he takes over the whole movie in the next minute or so. He has a mustache/beard combo and a full mullett which he looks incredible in. He also has a black van that has a spray painted image of himself shooting a rainbow through a prism through out the universe. I’m kind of rooting against this main character and hope bad stuff happens to him so that Paddy takes over.

It’s shot well and done well I guess. As for the music which the guy from Arctic Monkeys is in charge of … I honestly can’t remember any particular music that stuck out. The movie started off with a touching sounding acoustic guitar song, which is what I expected, but then the music has really taken a back seat I feel. The kid’s voice over is way more apparent than the music.

Will see how the rest of this plays out.

TEEN MOM

I do watch this show, although halfway through each episode I sincerely wonder why. I usually get bored and my mind wonders what I’m doing and then wanders onto my iPhone or my laptop. I was thinking a lot last night while watching the episode that 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom would have not existed at all 100 years ago and not just because there was no TV. Back then – everyone was 16 and pregnant or a teen mom. For hundreds upon hundreds of years that was the general rule of thumb was being pregnant and a teen. You needed to be. Also, it wasn’t like there were other options. You were a chick, you could get pregnant, so you did. Dudes couldn’t get pregnant, so they were usually spent on that other aspect of life called killing – wars/animals and the like. But now, you don’t have to get pregnant – you instead can have fun working at a job! Or even do both! Life’s the greatest you know?

I also hate two of the girls on Teen Mom a lot. I can’t stand Farrah or Amber. Anytime they’re on screen I hate myself for spending time watching them. Especially Farrah. I am oddly fascinated by Amber and how she makes it through the day and here completely ridiculous baby daddy Gary who looks like he could be 50 years old and also looks like he’s going to die of sleep apnea always. Can people have awake apnea? If they can then Gary must have it. Gary is an unattractive human being and he is one of many that Amber has attracted throughout this season. She has been shown with three men (one being Gary) and they’re all worse than the next. Her most current debacle, Clinton, could possibly be the least attractive male I’ve seen this year. I can’t say for other years off the top of my head, but for 2011 I think that a homeless man would be a more viable sexual candidate than her slick faux hawked, weird teeth having, four eyed twerp friend Clinton. As for Farrah, she’s just a complete and utter bitch and her parents are airheads and her mother sounds like a bitch as well. They just sound like asses.

That leaves Maci and Catelynn. I like Maci. I think she needs to just go to school and get it over with. I know it has to be tough, but life is tough. You can’t just poop out a kid and then sit and watch that kid every second of its life even if you really want to. I won’t lie, her kid, Bentley, seems like the greatest. I don’t know if he is the oldest of the kids or what, but he is certainly the most social and talkative and has a personality and everything. As for Catelynn and Tyler, I root for these kids because they seem like kids like real kid’s kids. I don’t know why they’re so much on their own… well, that’s not true. It’s become abundantly clear that their parents have failed them in many respects and that’s why they have to be grown up even if they’re not ready. At the same time, I have no clue why Catelynn and Tyler are together. They seem friendly, but they don’t seem like they should be together.

I’m really just rooting for the show to end, so I can stop watching it. Next week does look like it gets crazy.

ARGO TEA

Friday night at like 3am in NYC, I grabbed an Argo Tea from a deli for a couple reasons. The first is I love buying the most ridiculous looking drinks especially when I’m drunk. I like going in there and grabbing some drink that is basically selling that it will give me X-Men powers because why not? What am I going to get? A Snapple? I’ve drank a million Snapples. I might as well get something absurd just for that reason. How bad could it really be? Well… somethings get bad. Never buy a yogurt drink. Those are disgusting. Anyway… I bought an Argo Tea.

This is their website… http://www.argotea.com but more importantly http://www.argotea.com/menu_signature_ready.shtml

The one I bought was the “mojitea”. I bought it 100% because of the label. I’m not even that much of a fan of mojitos, but I loved the label… it reads…

Refreshing Armenian mint tea, potassium and vitamin-filled lime juice, and pure cane sugar combine cooling sensations and sweet Cuban memories.

I’ve never drank a drink that promised me “sweet Cuban memories” and for fuck’s sake how could I not buy that?! Seriously, “sweet Cuban memories”? I would have regretted everyday of my life if I hadn’t bought that. I’ve never been to Cuba, but I’ve drank a mojitea and it did bring back some of those non-existent sweet Cuban memories. So thank you.

By the way, drinks are getting out of control as you can clearly see. We’re drinking wilder and wilder stuff and it is promising wilder and wilder results.

I think we’ve entered the age of “elixirs”.

That’s what I want to drink next with my cornbeef sandwich – an elixir.

….

..

.

So I’m sure you really wanted me to talk about elixirs, but if there is anything else I should be covering then please speak up. Or you’ll get more elixir talk.

 

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8 Responses to “No Post Wednesday Means There Is A Post”

  1. tiffanized said

    I haven’t seen Teen Mom because I fucking lived it. But I have seen Gary and I think he really is 50. I know zero under 50 Garys.

    Thing to talk about:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-14114555 The Scots have invented a way to liquify dead bodies instead of burial or cremation and they’ve set up shop in Florida. Look for that to be made into an elixir you can buy when you’re smashed.

    Also–and I can’t speak for everyone here–I’d like to hear more about elixirs. That’s what’s wrong with this country, not enough elixir talk. The Wikipedia article for elixirs has a picture of vodka, which is a good sign for this crowd.

    • Body tissue is dissolved and the liquid poured into the municipal water system. — Remind me never to drink tap water in Florida ever ever ever.

      “It only takes two to three weeks before the kitchen and garden waste is soil so this is what inspired me to really see if not only the kitchen and garden waste but also everything organic, including us, could be treated this way to really become soil,” she told BBC News. — Susanne Wiigh-Masak has killed a person. Guaranteed.

  2. Nix said

    @tiffanized Thank you for that info on liquifying dead bodies… I will now continue with my horrifying Soylent Green flashbacks…

  3. http://juneauempire.com/local/2011-08-30/woman-punches-bear-save-her-dog

    “She said she feared for her pet’s life and, in an instant, ran over and punched the bear right in the face to make it let go.”

    Order of events:
    1. Build this woman a statue. Fuck that, 50 statues – one in every state.
    2. Move her to NY.
    3. Force her to same-sex marry me. Fudge will act as ring bearer. He will wear a tux.
    4. Live happily ever after punching bears IN THE FUCKING FACE.

    • I realize this goes against my whole “must hug bears” thing from yesterday but… I JUST DON’T KNOW. I’M SO CONFLICTED.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      There is a telephone number and email address for the reporter… so you should make this happen.

      People have been getting gay married in Iowa since 2009. Why doesn’t Iowa get more love for being big gay homo lovers? I’m just saying.

      • If this had happened in 2009 then sure I’d move her and myself to Iowa and gay marry her there and then maybe we’d have sex with some corn, I don’t know… I’m just saying that is definitely an option there and she seems like she might be kind of crazy and adventurous. But this is 2011 and now it’s legal in NY and when given the choice of Iowa or NY, I’m going NY. Plus Jersey’s got a lot of corn so if she still wants to do that corn sex thing, we can just make a quick trip over the border. This took a weird turn.

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