Happy Friday!

and stuff…

I hope you have had an amazing week… even those squirrelly people who are throwing out the cunt word yesterday in the comments section. Jeez, you people. Calm down with that word. It is only supposed to be used at special occasions like when some cunt rear-ends you because she was too busy talking on her cellphone or when you’re watching the Jersey Shore and Snooki won’t stop crying. It’s like give it a rest, cu…. hmmm… maybe I’m saying the word too much. It’s addicting!

Either way, Jionni may be autistic and/or he may need to stop dating a girl who is internationally known as a drunken mess.

Anyway, today’s post.

Well, as you may have noticed the #boobs.

Specifically, we will be talking or really seeing Russian boobs.

I remember reading about this before, but never looking into it. I don’t know why I didn’t because now that I’ve seen it my soul has become infinitely happier about the possibilities of human civilization.

What am I talking about?

Some guy in Russia touched 1000 sets of boobs.

BRILLIANT!

Homer, Aristotle, Einstein… and this fucking guy with the zip-up jacket and the puffed up hair.

FUCKING GENIUS!

The guise is that he shook Vladimir Putin’s hand… and then with that hand he would touch the boobs of the women of the fine country that Putin’s reign over never ceases to end.

Here is the original article I got from earlier this month… to give where credit where credit is due…

http://thechive.com/2011/09/08/his-goal-was-to-grab-a-thousand-boobs-15-gifs/

Now here is the video…

I have a few comments:

1. It is a long video because grabbing a 1000 boobs takes awhile.

2. I need to get to Russia. Is this how easy it is to grab boobs in Russia? I mean seriously. There are some attractive ladies in this video and there are some severely attractive ladies in this video and there are some average chicks and so on, but either way – they have boobs and this guy touched them. That’s more than can be said by most.

3. I won’t lie, some of these chicks incredibly borderline legal. Most by far most look perfectly legal. But there are a few in there that if they are “legal” then they might be like Georgia legal – if you catch my drift.

4. It is really not gratuitous at all. For the most part, the guy just puts his hands out and lightly cups the boobs for a moment as if he was lightly touching a religious artifact and trying to receive a partial amount of its spiritual power.

5. Leni Riefenstahl – probably the last name you were expecting me to write – yes, the Nazi lover Leni Riefenstahl’s work kind of reminds of this video or really I guess I mean vice versa. Riefenstahl’s “Olympia” is about the 1938 Olympics and there is a sequence of high divers in the movie. Riefenstahl is cutting together all these dives and cutting them quickly one right after another and in mid-flight and the repetition of the scenes without the beginning or end of them kind of removes the action from itself. At some point, it becomes mesmerizing and it appears like the divers are not diving, but in fact flying. You’re watching this athletic bodies twisting and turning in this vacuum where they are floating in the air. In some way, this Russian who looks sort of like Aziz’s business partner on Parks and Rec, I feel the same watching this video. After two hundred plus truly magical boob touching moments, the beauty of all boobs becomes truly apparent and their fertility, their fullness, their glow, their smile… boobs smile at us all.

Oh… hyperbole…

As for me, I began rooting for the guy. I knew that he accomplished the task because the video was playing right there in front of me, but even more so I wanted him to do it. I was cheering for him like it was happening real time.

Touch those boobs, good sir! Touch them all! Touch them for they should be touched!

And that’s what I leave to you.

I hope you have the greatest weekend of your life.

That’s what I hope for you.

Me?

Oh… me?

I will be in Atlantic City hoping not to catch crabs or herpes from well anything that is within a 5 foot radius of me.

Have fun.

I love you?

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Yesterday, we all got our first glimpses of Kristen Stewart in “Snow White and the Huntsmen”.

Well, you at least had the opportunity and numerous ones at that to see said pictures… and a video.

I saw these pictures and corresponding video on every entertainment website I peruse, which is about three, but either way I saw these pictures a few times yesterday and I’m guessing you did too.

There were over a dozen pictures it seemed, but the pictures could easily be separated into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Kristen Stewart on a horse

Yep. There she is on a horse.

We’ve seen Kristen Stewart on a horse before, but this time she’s dressed in full battle armor. Well, not “full” because she’s not wearing a helmet. If she wore a helmet we couldn’t see her pretty little face. And, if we couldn’t see that face then we could only guess that they have some young boy riding a horse considering how diminutive she is in comparison to everything around her. Hey! Hey there! Why are you bringing a child into battle?! What? Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Kristen Stewart. Carry on. Makes perfect sense now. I would think that Kristen Stewart belonged in battle swinging a sword and carrying a shield…. no… hey wait! That doesn’t make any fucking sense either!

The other category is…

2. Kristen Stewart not on a horse

Oh, Kristen Stewart. You don’t have to smoke to be cool. This isn’t the 1950’s. Peer pressure is bad!

Yeah, there is Kristen Stewart wearing armor smoking a ciggy and not being on a horse.

What’s are the odds that the guy standing with her is some intern from UCLA whose sole job is keeping track of Kristen Stewart’s cigarette butts?

I’m saying like 4:1 odds.

Those are pretty much the pictures.

Here’s another picture of Kristen Stewart on a horse.

Here’s another picture of Kristen Stewart standing around not on a horse.

I won’t lie, she looks awkward as hell in this outfit. Plus what in the fuck does any of this have to do with Snow White?

Riding horses on a beach? I believe that was made popular by the latest Robin Hood movie. Didn’t Snow White take place in the woods? Is the Huntsmen not a woodsmen anymore? I don’t get what’s the point of this movie at all. Also, if this is still destined to be a trilogy then God help those that feel compelled to see all three of them. You poor poor souls.

Here’s Kristen on a horse again.

I really wish this movie was called SWATH. I don’t know what SWATH means, but that makes more sense than this being Snow White and the Huntsmen.

Let’s think up a new storyline…

SWATH the actual word means:

noun
1. the space covered by the stroke of a scythe or the cut of a mowing machine.
2. the piece or strip so cut.
3. a line or ridge of grass, grain, or the like, cut and thrown together by a scythe or mowing machine.
4. a strip, belt, or long and relatively narrow extent of anything.

Ok.

Well, I guess this shit has to be set in the UK, for starters.

I say has too because they’re wearing armor, carrying swords, are on horseback and they’re white. As far as I know, the only “swath” of land we attribute any of that to is merry old England. Plus they have beaches in England. Who the fuck wants to go to them? No clue, but they’re there.

It is the medieval ages and Kristen Stewart is the daughter of an old king or at least the leader to some area of where ever we are saying they are in England.

Then comes along evil people and those evil people are imagine are lead by Charlize Theron as their Queen and her right hand man is that Prince guy I’ve seen who wears the black armor. Those two are near where Kristen Stewart lives, but there is one particular “swath” of land that separates the two rival lands.

What happens? Well, Kristen Stewart has no brothers or anything or maybe she did and they died doing battle with the evil Queen’s men or literally died at the hand of the Prince. Anyway, she’s been the only offspring of the King for awhile and she has been raised to ride, shoot arrows, battle with weapons et cetera.

The king dies.

Boo hoo, it is so sad and such. Of course, when news gets out that the king be dead… Ms. Theron and her army decide they are going to make a move on the entire region. First, though there could be the civility that they have a meeting and in the meeting the Queen makes it perfectly clear that it is either surrender your lands or die. Kristen obviously says she will not surrender her lands and Theron laughs in her face that the old king had no army that could compare to hers and now that army will be lead by some little girl and not the king. So, it is their funeral.

Kristen’s counselors are like we should maybe surrender and work out a deal. But no! Kristen spends all night agonizing over books and so forth and one of her father’s key strengths was strategy and she watched him for year strategizing, so Kristen Stewart knows how to do that and …

They devise a plan to get the Queen’s army to take one specific road to their land. It is a narrow strip of road where they will fortify it before hand with traps and such and with that this will be their best shot and destroying as much of that army as they possibly can if it does reach their castle. So… the “swath” is that “swath” of land.

Basically, the movie turns into a 300 meets The Alamo meets 13 Assassins, which are all better movies than whatever this Snow White nonsense is.

As for the huntsmen… or should I say “love interest”- there could be hill people who do not live in the big castle who just kind of live out there on the plains or whatever that Kristen Stewart has to convince to help her in her efforts to stop this evil Queen. Amongst those wild people can be Chris Hemsworth and he’s the best soldier the hill people got. The two of them have at first an adversarial relationship as it always is and then through battle they start getting sexy in the sack together.

In the end, Kristen Stewart’s side wins with the help of Hemsworth’s hill people. The hill people and the castle folk become friends and Hemsworth puts his wang in Stewart’s poonani and they create the first castle/hill person hybrid.

SWATH!

What the hell is this movie about?

Aside from that…

I saw this picture today…

This looks horrendous.

What are they doing with their faces?

Why does  Mark Ruffalo look like he’s Nick Cave?

Why is Scarlett front and center?

Why does Chris Evans look like he’s constipated?

Oh man, this cover is freaking me out.

The more I look into any of their eyes the more creeped out I feel.

The more I look at Mark Ruffalo the more I think he’s going “ooooooooh” and is possibly confused who the Incredible Hulk is and that Bruce Banner was never in The Smiths.

As for Scarlett, yeah she’s gorgeous and everything, but I hate what they’re doing with her character. Already she looks like this chick from GI Joe

This is Scarlett (the character) from the GI Joe movie. Now, this chick is also gorgeous, but this movie is garbage and Scarlett (the human) looks like she is trying to be Scarlett (the character). I know that’s not completely their fault because Scarlett (the character) isn’t supposed to look like Black Widow, but I think Scarlett (the character) looks more like Black Widow than Scarlett (the human) looks like Black Widow.

Some of that simply has to do with Scarlett (the human) cutting her hair. I’m not sure why Joss Whedon changed around everyone’s outfits, but he did. Scarlett (the human) looked more like Black Widow in Iron Man 2 and I don’t think she needed to be in that movie at all. Plus nothing against Scarlett (the human), but Black Widow’s name is Natalia Romanova… are we saying we couldn’t find a Russian chick who looks good in a black cat suit holding a gun and dying her hair red? I think we could have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… she wouldn’t be as famous as Scarlett (the human), but what do I care at this point?

Anyway…

Mark Ruffalo will be absolutely terrible.

Questions?

That’s right!

It’s that time of year again… the beginning of it… in September!

The Jewish high holiday Rosh Hashanah starts tonight and we’ll be rocking our nuts off in the temple listening to Prince and the shofar all fueled up on hoarded cases of Four Loko, cocaine and gefilte fish. Woooooo!!!!

In reality, if that were the situation I would probably be too busy sewing glow sticks to a black and pin striped suit to write this post. As many of you know, religion is lame. It’s really a boring affair with a lot of reading, super serious a capella, people way too dressed up to be sitting on benches or fold out chairs, a lot of yawning and a lot of people telling you to act better and to stop having so much sex out of wedlock whether you are or aren’t.

Also, everyone you’re talking about has been dead for so long that it really shouldn’t even matter what they did. That sounds a little harsh, but seriously there is little to their literal existence that plays any role with today’s world just as homo erectus played little into what they were doing at their time. If we’re going to talk in vague contexts surrounding the spirit of their existence then lets update the stories a bit or use comicbook characters. I’m sure whatever lessons are taught in the Bible can also be found in the pages of a Superman comic book. Be good to others, don’t break the law, wear a condom… you know?

Anyway, the Jews of the Jewish people of Jewlandia… will be celebrating Rosh Hashanah.

In all religions you kind of do the same thing for each holiday – praise the Lord and such and feel shitty about yourself – but then there is this added gimmick for us to remember that this holiday is this as opposed to the other one.

Generally speaking, I think the Jews do a pretty good job with the gimmicks. There are a lot of Jewish holidays so they really needed to get these gimmicks aligned properly.

What is Rosh Hashanah’s gimmick?

THE SHOFAR!!!

It’s a big ass horn or actually it can be a little ass horn… either way it is supposedly a ram’s horn and they get someone to blow into it and try their best and making 4 similar sounds: tekiah, shevarim, teruah, tekiah gedolah.

The guy demonstrates them in the video. He’s ok. Nothing to write home about, you know?

That’s the other thing about the shofar… criticism. You get to criticize the shofar blower. You’re going to give him a golf clap regardless, but you’ll also give your neighbors one of those “he/she was really good this year” or “I didn’t think he/she would be that good from the look of him/her, but they were pretty good” or “last year’s shofar blower was better” or “do you remember that one shofar blower from…. ” et cetera. You can combine them or make your own, but I like it. It’s like watching preview trailers at the movies. You watch it for a minute or two and then when its over somehow you are an expert at whatever the hell it is and you make a kneejerk judgement about it. It’s like listen – you’re seeing “Real Steel”, so maybe your thoughts don’t count about whether a movie looks good or not.

The money shot of the shofar is the tekiah gedolah.

The first time they sound the shofar they do everything, but the tekiah gedolah. The tekiah is just a loud blast, the shevarim is 3 shorter blasts one right after another, the teruah is almost like they’re spitting out blasts machine gun style, but the tekiah gedolah is one long Kenny G blast the guy/girl tries to hold out the longest. That’s what everyone is waiting for. They kind of dick tease you with the others and you start hedging your bets whether or not this guy or girl is going to be worth a damn doing the tekiah gedolah.

Even better, the tekiah gedolah is really the only one the person has to be all that good at for anyone to care about. No one is sitting around talking about how good the shofar blower did teruah. Yeah, right. Stop fucking around here, you know it and I know it the only one that fucking matters is the tekiah gedolah. If you’re seeing an Eagles tribute band, which happens from time to time, you don’t give a single thought about how well they cover “Already Gone” or “One of These Nights”. You remember those songs once they start up, but you’re not looking forward to them and you’re kind of like well how much talent does it really take to cover the “minor” works of The Eagles. I mean those are just on the greatest hits from 71-75… let’s get real for a second, “Hotel California” didn’t come out until 77 and that’s the fucking only greatest hit you need.

The Eagles’ “Hotel California” = Shofar blower’s “Tekiah Gedolah”

You may have never said that to yourself before, but you know its true deep down in your bone…s.

Anyway, if an Eagles tribute band can’t pull off “Hotel California” then you might as well burn down that “House of Blues” or “Ruby Tuesdays” or where ever you are to see this show. That’s really the only song they need to practice. Also, while we are on the subject of The Eagles… I don’t like “Desperado”. Take that. Shit got real today. I don’t like it. I’ve never liked it and I think people who listen to it have not heard enough music in their life to get past that lame song. Rosh Hashanah is a brand new year and me not liking “Desperado” is something I couldn’t hold onto anymore going into this new year.

I do like the movie Desperado. I like that a lot.

We got off topic for a moment there… oh right… Rosh Hashanah.

You also eat apples and honey. Maybe chocolate. You do this when everything is said and done as an edible metaphor wishing for a sweet new year.

So, I hope you have a sweet new year.

For the people of the world who do not celebrate this holiday, I hope you have a sweet Wednesday.

Sweet days for everyone.

Hello there.

Today, you will receive some advice on how to properly rear the evil offspring you recently pooped out of yourself.

Where did you poop that baby out? I hope a hospital. That’s where any and all activities that involve blood or human guts should take place. If the word “placenta” is involved in whatever you are doing then you should be at a hospital or you should have a hospital staff with you because there is no hospital because you’re in the foothills of Ecuador and you can’t find a hospital, but you found a staff to kind of jerry-rig one.

I don’t think you should poop your baby out in your bath tub. Especially, if it is your bath tub. It actually might make a hilarious prank to have a water birth in a bath tub at your friend’s house and they were not consulted before hand. That would be a high-lair-ee-yus prank. Or a motel. Weird stuff happens at motels. Prostitutes, meth labs, sleep, and, maybe, water births. This is what I’m saying – you will never want to step foot ever again in the room that that water birth happened in. It would be like revisiting the scene of an axe murder and taking a shower there. You know that would be weird.

Anyway, we’re not here to talk about the birth… we’re here to talk about the demon child and what you do with it now that it is alive and crying all the time.

First thing first:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/14-most-outdated-pieces-of-baby-advice-2554194/

This is the article I’m stealing all this information from. Yes, stealing. But I’ll certainly add to it. I will add my humor to it.

The article was written by Amanda First.

This article appears on Shine, which is the women’s yahoo site. I actually have enjoyed a few articles from Shine. I’m just saying I really like those articles where you take a chick and you have someone who is not that chick choose the clothes that the original chick has to wear for a week and then we discuss it. I wish one of those articles came out on the hour everyday and I would never get any work done ever. Her dad has her wearing her prom dress out to the bar with her friends?! That is rich. Why does she even still have her prom dress? And she still fits in it. That is rich and enjoyable.

Anyway…

The original material will be in italics and/or bold italics. My thoughts will be in standard stuff – ok?

Now…

BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

Myth: Infants need to be bathed every day.
The truth: Babies don’t get stinky from sweat the way adults do, so they only need a bath every two or three days (except following a major diaper explosion!). If it’s part of your wind-down routine, a daily bath is perfectly okay too–just moisturize afterwards.

Stupid adults! Getting all “stinky” from “sweat”. Well, maybe this adult’s sweat stinks because there’s booze in it. Yeah, I had a few last night. And by few I mean a little less than 10. Like 1 less. Whatever, 9 drinks on a weeknight. It was Monday Night Football after all. Sure, I’m not a Redskins or Cowboys fan, but it is the spirit of the game to be debilitatingly drunk while watching it. It’s more American that way. So, the baby’s sweat doesn’t smell? Well, you know what does smell any and all “diaper explosions”. I don’t think we need a “major” one to warrant cleaning this baby up. The baby is sitting in its own filth at all times in my opinion, so wash the thing regularly. Also, I’m not on board with all this moisturizing of the baby – that just makes for one slippery baby. If anything, you want to add traction to that kid, so you never drop it. Make put some sticky double sided grip tape on its back. Just throwing that out there. Use it. Have fun with it. NEXT!!!

Myth: Babies sleep best in a room that’s silent and dark.
The truth: While some children really are light sleepers, most do fine with background noise and a little light. Plus, if your little one gets used to some activity around him when he’s sleeping, he’ll be more willing to snooze in a variety of situations.

What’s with all these “he’s”. Geez, Shine! Talk about sexism. What was this written in turn of the century China? Did General Mao Zedong write this article? Pfffttt…

Anyway, I’m having my kid sleep in a room with a combination of air raid sirens, Black Label Society and barking dogs. I’m training this kid to sleep through anything. If the kid can catch a few winks during that then maybe just maybe I’ll take the kid out of the house. I will say this to all of you FBI/Interpol people out there reading this website, if I procreate you should expect a high spike in copyright infringement and illegal downloading of movies. I hate seeing kids at an R movie or PG-13 or really any movie, so I will not keep that horrible cycle going unless I know for a FACT that the kid will not cry at any moment during the movie.

Myth: When infants are running a high temperature, rub them down with alcohol to lower their fever.
The truth: Rubbing your baby with alcohol won’t actually bring down her fever–plus it’s unsafe, since alcohol can be absorbed through her skin.

Alcohol rubs – I know them well. This was taught to people to do like early 20th century and before. People were told not to do this starting in like the 70’s. Nevertheless, my education/teachers were from a distant past and I was actually taught this as good information in my biology class in middle school. So, you should never rub your baby down with alcohol ever … well, maybe if you developed some circus trick that involves a baby covered… let’s just nix that altogether. Anyway, don’t rub your baby down with alcohol when it has a fever, but feel free to rub yourself down with alcohol when your baby has a fever to help drown out the baby’s annoying crying.

Myth: Letting your little one stand or bounce in your lap can cause bowlegs later on.
The truth: He won’t become bowlegged; that’s just an old wives’ tale. Moreover, young babies are learning how to bear weight on their legs and find their center of gravity, so letting your child stand or bounce is both fun and developmentally stimulating for him.

This piece of “information” is arguably from pre-Civil War. I bet slave owners in Virginia thought this was a little ridiculous. The kid stands on one leg for how long? A year? Yeah, the kid’s leg will be pretty messed up after that, I’m sure. But if the kid is just balancing itself on one leg for 10 seconds before it falls on its ass, which is more or less covered in a parachute full of its own poop then that won’t make the kid bowlegged. I recommend getting your kid up its feet as soon as possible. The sooner they learn to walk on their own is the sooner they can learn to walk out of your house and get a job and find their own home to live in and stop messing with your shit. AM. I. RIGHT?!

Myth: Listening to classical music will raise your baby’s IQ.
The truth: Music can enrich a little one’s life, but no conclusive research has found that having a baby listen to classical music in particular can result in significant brain-boosting benefits.

Bullshit! It works. I don’t know who these people are trying to fool, but every hour your kid spends listening to classical music as a child is another hour it doesn’t spend in jail when it turns 18. Can I get an amen?! Although, if you make the kid listen to too much classical music you’ll probably be secretly raising a serial killer. That happens too. So keep it to like two hours a day max.

Myth: Let your baby cry it out; if you pick her up whenever she’s wailing, you’ll spoil her.
The truth: Babies under 4 months of age have few self-soothing strategies; they know how to suck to soothe and like being swaddled, but that’s about it. Picking infants up when they cry helps them learn that parents will always be there to take care of them.

Crying baby? The baby is a girl? What are you trying to say Shine? Girls cry like a bunch of bitches? Is that what you’re saying? They’re a bunch of drama queens who really don’t have anything good to cry about, but cry anyway because they just want attention? Are you saying females don’t know how to control their emotions and they’re just loose cannons when it comes to when they’re going to cry because they can’t keep any of it in check? Jeez… I mean Shine. You’re saying a lot with what you’re not saying. Ya feel me?

I’m going to tell you what… if I have a girl and she cries – I’m picking her up. If I have a boy and he cries – him and I are going to watch Chuck Norris films until he stops and grows a beard. That’s what happens. As for the girl, I want her to know I’ll always be there because later in life I know my crazy daughter is going to end up in a relationship with a stupid boy or girl or both and guess what I want her coming to me when shit gets real. That’s when I take out Gravedigger. What or who is Gravedigger? Do you remember Last of the Mohicans? You remember Daniel Day Lewis’ old Indian buddy who fucked dudes up with what looked like a double thick axe-handle with no axe at the top, but there was a spike coming out of the side of it? That’s Gravedigger. Let’s just say, Gravedigger is a problem solver. As for my fictional son, well, from when he’s 6 years old I will teach him how to wield a Gravedigger of his own. After he masters the weapon (I imagine around 15), we will go on a vision quest into the Adirondacks and find two things: 1. a tree that calls out to my son that this is the wood that his own Gravedigger will be made from, and 2. the spirit guide Mahattori who is both a hallucination and the only one who knows how to properly bless a Gravedigger. We will then make the Gravedigger in the woods, Mahattori will bless it and then Son of Gravedigger will now travel with my fictional son on all his journeys in his heart, in his head and in his hand for smashing his enemies.

Myth: Babies should be woken up in the night to have a wet diaper changed.
The truth: Urine is sterile, and today’s diapers are highly absorbent, so it’s fine to leave a baby in a wet diaper overnight. However, staying in poopy diaper for too long can cause a UTI or a bladder infection, especially for baby girls–so if you smell one, change it out.

True facts. Also, a “true fact” – this kid better have poop flowing out of the diaper for me to wake it up. If that baby is sleeping soundly then fucking let it. Every other second they’re awake they cry and cry and cry and never make a quip or ask an open ended philosophical question or tell you about some book on the New York Times bestseller list that they read and is worth a look. Babies bring little to the table in that department.

Myth: It’s dangerous to immunize your infant if he has a cold or a low-grade fever.
The truth: A minor illness won’t lower your baby’s immune-system response to a vaccination–or increase his risk of any nasty reactions from a shot.

My kid is getting all the immunizations. All of them. This kid is going to be prepared for anything. If I dropped my new born in the desert in Africa it would be ready. That’s what I’m trying to get at. Pump this kid full of chemicals and sure there is a small percentage chance there might be a bad reaction, but I’m also saying there is a small percentage chance that my kid gets X-ray vision or can now harness static electricity into throwing bolts of lightning. There’s two sides to every coin.

Myth: Never apply sunscreen to an infant under 6 months of age.
The truth: The risk of skin cancer down the road from sun exposure is greater than the risk of your baby having a reaction to sunscreen. It’s best to keep her away from dangerous UV rays as much as possible from 10 A.M. to 4 P.M., but put on sunscreen with at least 15 SPF if she’ll be in the sun. The AAP says that it’s fine to apply a minimal amount of sunscreen to small areas, such as a baby’s face and the back of the hands.

This won’t apply to me. I barely go outside during the hours of 10am to 4pm, so what the hell is my baby doing out there? The baby will be inside. For 6 months? Yeah, that’s not tough at all. Unless this information is directed at Samoan islanders who are outside all day every day then I’m pretty sure I can hold off on the temptation of taking a new born onto the beach for sunbathing within its first 6 months of existence.

Myth: During the first month of a baby’s life, it’s critical that all baby bottles and nipples be sterilized.
The truth: Sterilize bottles and nipples when you first take them out of the package–but after that, washing with soap and water is fine. Babies are exposed to many more germs than those that remain on a well-scrubbed bottle or nipple.

Hey, honey, we’re going to have to sterilize your nipples… again. I’ve already got the vodka, so take your shirt off. Rubbing your boobs and nipples down with vodka reminds me of when we first met.

Myth: The safest way to put an infant to sleep is on her stomach.
The truth: The safest sleep position for a baby is on its back. In the past, doctors worried that babies might choke on any spit-up if they weren’t lying on their tummy or side, but studies ultimately linked these positions to higher rates of SIDS.

Screw that. My kid is sleeping in mid-air in a harness attached to bungee cables that will be suspended from every corner of the room. Basically, the kid will sleep in one of those gyroscope devices they make astronauts spin around in.

Myth: Putting rice cereal in your infant’s bottle will help him sleep.
The truth: Hold off on introducing solids until 4 to 6 months. Research suggests that babies who are given solids before 4 months are actually worse sleepers than their formula-fed counterparts–an studies have revealed a link between the early introduction of solids and obesity later in life.

All of these time tables seem pretty obvious to me. I have no concept of when the kid stops breast feeding, but the kid starts it and stays with until the kid has a full set of chompers. Who has a kid and within 4 months is already shoving solid food down its throat? The kid literally was eating through a tube in its belly 4 months earlier and now you’re cutting up pieces of flank steak for it? Daddy has a slice of apple pie, baby has a slice of apple pie.

Myth: It’s critical to keep your baby on a strict feeding schedule.
The truth: It’s better to feed on demand, as infants’ internal hunger cues will tell them when they’re hungry and when they’re full. By putting your child on a feeding schedule, you may negatively affect your little one’s inborn healthy-eating habits.

Fuck that. This kid doesn’t know shit. He eats when it makes sense. I’ve tried to just eat when I’m hungry and guess what – I’m hungry from like 10pm to 4am and that isn’t good for anyone. It’s not good for me, it’s not good for the guy work at 7-11 at 3am with me yelling at him about stale muffins. The baby will eat when the baby should eat.

Myth: Infants need hard-soled shoes to protect their delicate toes and keep their feet properly aligned.
The truth: Babies use their toes to grip the surfaces that they’re walking on, so they should actually go shoeless indoors. To keep tiny tootsies safe outside, get a shoe with a good grip on the sole–hard-soled shoes can be too slippery.

What? That’s some wild stuff. First off, your baby is basically a little monkey. A hairless monkey. Second, I’ve never heard of the hard-soled shoes bit before. Are we putting the kid in wing tips? The kid is walking around in a nice leather lace up? Shoes indoors? That’s ridiculous. Who wears shoes indoors? People who have weird negative associations with their feet do. My kid won’t be walking around like a tap dancer. From the get go, the kid will probably be wearing baby Michael Jordan high tops. That’s how I roll and that’s how the kid rolls… regardless of gender this baby is a Michael Jordan supporter.

So… now that you know all of this information on how to raise a perfect child… please don’t go out and have one unless you really can take care of it with money. Sure, love is good, but try to have money to raise it with first. You can’t buy the kid clothes with love at KMART. Ya feel me?

Werd.

Pictures of hot ass Hispanic actresses.

That’s right!

Happy Monday!

Happy Monday to you. Happy Monday to me. Happy Monday to America! Happy Monday to North America. Happy Monday to Central America. Happy Monday to South America. Happy Monday to all those happy little islands in between North and South America. Happy Monday to Spain and to Portugal because fundamentally you conquered these Americas at one time, which must have been a lot of work. The languages you brought with you are still spoken to this day by the beautiful people inhabiting much of the land you won from its natives with the help of axes, armor, horses and overall SURPRISE (!) WE’RE KILLING ALL YALL mentality.

First, let’s show off a few fruits of your labor…

Yep, that’s America Ferrera. She even has AMERICA in her name as her name! And she’s legal and isn’t ugly and is actually quite attractive, so fuck off ABC. Go find an ugly chick to be ugly. Let’s give America Ferrera a show on ABC called “Hot Betty who is so hot you would need to give her braces, fake teeth, coke bottle glasses, fuck up her hair, dress her like a fucking fool and make her as dumb as rocks and clumsy to make her not ‘hot’, that’s how hot she is normally”. That’s too long of a show title, so it probably will not happen.

What about…

Holy moly… Paz Vega. You may remember Paz Vega as an angel from your dreams or from the horrible movie Spanglish or maybe from the completely excellent movie Talk to Her. There is this weird thing that happens when I look at Paz Vega… not that you creeps… well that does happen, I mean look at how hot she is… but I mean I think of Penelope Cruz. Sometimes I look at Paz and think I’m looking at Penelope for a moment. A young Penelope Cruz. Hmmmm… isn’t that a beautiful thought? Penelope Cruz… oh wait! PENELOPE CRUZ is Hispanic as well!

Hachi… machi. Let me just say something that may sound terrible at first, but if you really think about it… if I could go back in time and stop the genocidal destruction of South America by the Spanish and Portuguese in the 19th century, but right before I did, someone told me that would mess up the future and in the future there would be no Penelope Cruz and specifically there would be no naked Penelope Cruz as featured most prodigiously in the film Jamon Jamon (yes that does translate to “ham ham”) then I wouldn’t do it. That sounds bad… but you would really need to see that movie. I mean it’s Penelope Cruz… she’s 18… she’s naked… a lot… and she’s having sex with Javier Bardem… a lot. I mean this should easily be the favorite movie of anyone who watches True Blood. By that I mean, it’s trashy, full of nudity, full of sex, little to no storyline, and it’s pretty violent. So… yeah. Hegel was right, everything is working towards the better. Sure 200 million died in South America, but we have Penelope Cruz and that is about all we need.

Plus…

Penelope has a SISTER!!!! Yes, Monica Cruz. We have both Penelope and Monica Cruz. Good God thank you for the things you do to allow for things like this. THANK YOU! I might not go to a “church”, but it feels like a religious experience to me just perusing the google image results of Penelope and Monica Cruz.

Dios mio and all that.

Thank you.

Bless you.

I love you.

BOOM! Roselyn Sanchez has shown up as the next challenger!

Puerto Rico MOTHERFUCKERS! Can you believe this is real?

I have seen Roselyn in person and she is gorgeous. I think I wrote about this. At first, my animal instincts were turned on and I could smell or sense Roselyn was there before I saw her. It was as if she had illicited a response from deep within my soul, which I did not know could happen. From there, my eyes were transfixed to her and I began to shield myself between her and the rest of the people at the Staples Center in LA that if there was any problem, criminal activity or just overly stressful incident that I would be able to attack and defeat that problem, properly defend Roselyn and also escape unscathed because I was planning our routes out of there as well.

This has to be it, right? There couldn’t be…

BAM!!!!

BAM BAM!!!

BAM BAM BAM!!!!

KA BLAMO!!!!! OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!

Sofia Vergara. I mean if a picture says a thousand words then a picture of Sofia Vergara could fill all the pages of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina… and she would be so much hotter. I mean I don’t remember Anna being a busty Latin who makes me want to punch a hole through a wall each time I see a picture of her.

I mean isn’t this enough for Hispanic Heritage month?

It is, right?

I mean what more do you need?

How greedy could you possibly be?

I mean what on Earth… fuck it!

Michelle… my bell…

Salma… my perfect looking human being-ah…

Eva… You don’t need that weird French freak-ah…

Jordana… lovely Jordana who I think got to skinny for the last Fast and Furious movie-ah…

 

Zoe… I wish you got all naked in Colombiana and I would have watched it-ee…

Jennifer… You and your big beauty of a booty are now free from the skeevy Anthony… welcome back to my fantasies-fer…

We have to be done soon, right?

There can’t possibly be more!

EVA!!!! … Oh my sweet merciful Lord, EVA!!!!!

Fuck… this is getting unfair.

You know…

I’m just…

having…

trouble…

concentrating… with words…

what are we talking…

Eva…

sigh…

what?!

I am… am I still writing? What am I writing about again?

I’m getting light headed. If only I could operate a car, but I don’t think you should operate heavy machinery after looking at pictures of Eva Mendes, Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara… and…

..

.

I blacked out again for a minute. I was starting to remember who I had posted pictures of and in turn thought of them and then started thinking of the others too and the blood in my brain left it and now I’m peeling myself off the floor.

Oh and I almost forgot about a beautiful just gorgeous and sexy woman who was hysterical on East Bound and Down last season… the lovely Ana De La Reguera…

Oh…

I can’t… even… begin… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

ahdsoiapfokqwopejqrioqweiofni qewrqjewr3124lskajflaksjdfkasdfk

FUCK!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH!!!!

Catch it!

Happy FRIDAY!!!!!

Well, this week has been rather… girly.

Monday – I wrote about the Emmys. Or should I say I talked about the Emmys “red carpet”. Or should I say even further that I posted an ass ton of pictures of chick celebrities who all looked like they were in the big scene from Pretty Woman and talked uncomfortably about me possibly having sex with them in my brain. And I posted a picture of Seal. We all won on Monday.

Tuesday – I posted an smaller ass ton of pictures from my recent trip to Chicago. I talked about some of the buildings and I talked about other stuff. I can’t remember what, but I’m sure it was magical and wonderful and it made you fall in love with me all over again like every FRICKIN’ day. Also, there was a picture of giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich cake. We all won on Tuesday

Wednesday – I wrote a personal response to resident female comedian of the moment Whitney Cummings and her television show. I wrote that the show would be unfunny even though I hadn’t seen a full episode. I was merely judging by the commercials. I judged pretty correctly I may add. There were a few people on the show I recognized outside of the show and then I read some tweet someone wrote, but not all of it (jeez, I’m supposed to read ALL 140 characters… pfffttt) saying Ken Marino is on the show or was just brought on to the show or hopefully is taking over the show. I don’t know. I love Ken Marino though. He can only make the show better. I did watch the show last night, Whitney. I didn’t care for it. It wasn’t as off-putting like some other shows I’ve seen, but it wasn’t particularly good. It was too lovey-dovey and too awww schucks. I thought we moved past this as a people. It came off even worse after watching Community, which is so ahead of the curve … followed by Parks and Rec, which is simply the best … followed by The Office, which is a stalwart and did well again last night with the re-invention of the show. Then there was Whitney, which seemed like a weird throwback to all those horrible shows that stand-up comics got. So I predicted the future correctly. We all won on Wednesday.

Thursday – It was about Kristen Stewart and there were pictures of Kristen Stewart wanting IT, so EVERYONE FUCKING WON ON THURSDAY…

Now, it’s Friday.

Friday – I want to talk for a minute about the UFC and Saul Williams. I win on Friday. You will win to if you just open up your heart and mind and maybe your pants to me and these black gentlemen I’m going to talk about.

This Saturday night… on pay per view… the UFC is having an event in Denver, Colorado with the numeration 135.

The main event… the fight we’ve all been waiting for… a title fight… for the UFC light-heavyweight championship belt…

QUINTON “RAMPAGE” JACKSON

will challenge the current champion…

JON “BONES JONES

And I will watch very happily.

Here is a particular promo for the fight that should get you into the spirit as well introduce you to these two athletes…

LOVE IT!!!

The fighters themselves are particularly appealing, but even more so that FUCKING SONG.

The song is “List of Demands” by Saul Williams. It is one of my favorite songs and that song makes me want to burn houses down and smash these chains of bondage (if I have any) that hold me down to tiny tiny tiny pieces.

You may also remember this song used in another great set of commercials from Nike a few years ago…

“My better is better”…

Anyway, I have high hopes for this fight.

I like Jon Jones.

I think he is a phenomenal fighter and he is the evolution of MMA.

But…

I love Rampage.

I have been a fan of his for years now and I would love to see him win, as always, but also solidify his legacy as one of the greatest by becoming a 2x UFC light-heavyweight champion. To do so, Rampage will have to beat the so far unbeatable Mr. Jones.

I’m rooting for Rampage. And I’m rooting for a good fight. If I had to put money down then I would put my money on Jones because he has shown little trouble dispatching his opponents and is only getting better. But again, I’m rooting for Rampage for using his strength, experience and overall badassness.

Either way, UFC fights on a Saturday night is always a win for me.

So…

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

A weekend of myrth.

A weekend of friendship.

A weekend of consensual sex.

A weekend of half naked men trying to beat each other bloody in an eight sided cage.

Have a great weekend.

I love you?

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