Every Month Has Them, September Is A Month, Let’s Talk About Shitty Movies – part 1

September 1, 2011

Today’s the 1st of September, you’re welcome to those of you who haven’t wished everyone in the office a happy Emma M. Nutt Day. I mean for fuck’s sake the woman was only the first woman telephone operator EVER. You have sinned against humanity and are now walking arm and arm with the Devil because you haven’t wished everyone a happy Nutt day on this specialest of holy-days. But you, of course, can fix that by now drawing everyone’s attention to the fact that you errrrrred earlier.

EMMA NUTT!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

THESE MOVIE REVIEWS ARE FOR YOU!!!!!!

Let’s get to them…

First up…

A Good Old Fashioned ORGY

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Yay! Right? … right? Errr… is that Jason Sudeikis? Again? Christ, how many so-so films can one guy put out in one year? I don’t know, but I bet you could ask Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds the same question. I watched the trailer for this seconds ago, so this is all hot off the brain presses these thoughts. Ok! Here we go! Fresh from my wrinkly brain! My thoughts! And they are….!!!!

*shrugs*

Why is Jason Sudeikis being cast as a sex monster in every movie? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to live a life with where I’m supposed to be constantly thinking about how often and in how many different ways Jason Sudeikis gets a little of that poon juice on his dangle. I’m not sure how else I could have put that. I think that was the most appropriate and poetic. Jason Sudeikis is always fucking! … is he? I don’t know, but that’s what all his movies are saying or that he wants to be and I want to see him do it. On the flip side, Steve Carrell as mentioned hasn’t gotten laid in a long time and I want to watch a 2 hour movie about him finally getting some of the poon juice on the dangle thing again. Is this what “comedy” is? I think the funniest part of this comedy so far is that I’m supposed to believe chicks are fighting every second not to rape Jason Sudeikis with their lady parts because he’s such a sex machine. Hall Pass was about he had a hot wife who was going to let hit cheat, so it was you the viewer rooting for to get as much ass as he could stand. Horrible Bosses was about him basically busting a nut every time he wasn’t on camera. Even in last year’s (was it last year?) Going the Distance he is catching chicks left and right because of his mustache. Anyway, now he’s got Leslie Bibb and seemingly screwing the rest of his friends.

The funnier parts of the movie seem to be the flashbacks when everyone is in mullets. The rest seems kind of old hat. There are a lot of people I like in this movie – don’t get my rant above misconstrued, I like Sudeikis I’m just not certain that chicks are disrobing themselves in every room he enters – and it could be some rated R fun, but it really doesn’t spark my interest too much.

It actually seems like a blockbuster kind of reimagining of a movie that came out two years ago called All American Orgy that is on Netflix watch instantly. That movie is more low budget, but is very dry and funny and ridiculous at the same time. I’m also throwing it out there that I doubt there will be an actual “orgy” in this movie. Anyway, looks like a rental at best.

Apollo 18

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Honestly, I think this movie kind of looks laughable. I have heard a lot of people saying they think this movie looks interesting or intense. I guess I can see that. My concern is that the trailer is one thing with fast edits, music, and so forth, but will the movie be that. The movie looks crazy low budget and just very gimmicky. The fixed position cameras and I don’t get this sense that these guys are going to be great in it. It seems kind of B-movie schlocky. But who knows? Maybe they’re amazing. Also, I feel even less interested in revisiting the Moon since I saw Transformers 3 and its exploits on the Moon. I feel like there just is a really high chance this is the movie Saw meaning that the trailer is fast cut and tense and then the movie is slow and agonizingly bad acting and I’m supposed to love it because its gimmicky. Whatever. I won’t be seeing it.

Shark Night 3D

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Short review: shit.

Long review: shit sandwich.

I hate the people who made this and hate isn’t a strong enough word. If they took the money that made this movie and went to Las Vegas or Atlantic City and just spent it all gambling then it would have been a more sound investment than this. First, 3D sucks. I hope everyone sees that now. Second, 3D movies suck more than just the 3D itself. The best 3D movie I’ve seen is Jackass 3D and it would have been great without the 3D. This is shit, as mentioned, and it is definitely not worth the ticket price and especially not worth the 3D ticket price. For shame on any of you that spend over $10 on seeing this movie. It will probably cost like $14. On this?! You shouldn’t be allowed to vote or be allowed to drive a car if you spend $14 on seeing Shark Night 3D.

Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

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So was Rob Schneider busy that weekend? Seriously, did I just travel in time back to the late 90’s or did this movie travel forward in time from the late 90’s to now? Also, why the hell is Don Johnson in this movie and A Good Old Fashioned Orgy? That’s random. When’s the last time you’ve seen Don in anything and then now he’s in two movies that do not look particularly funny at all?

I like Nick Swardson. I’m a big fan of his stand-up. Big fan. I watched his TV show. I would have to be forced at gun point to buy a ticket for this movie and watch it, but even then I have a choice and I might exercise that choice to have my brain splattered on a wall than to ever see this. Oh God does it look terrible. Maybe the least trustworthy name in “comedy” that is made for me is Adam Sandler. Sure, I wouldn’t see a Tyler Perry comedy or a Larry the Cable Guy comedy, but it’s not like I’m their market. But Sandler? The Sand Man? He and I are supposed to be on the same line of thinking and this movie looks like the jokes that were left on the editing room floor of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. It looks terrible. And we can’t blame “Hollywood” for this in my opinion because Sandler has his own production company and has had one for YEARS, so unless he doesn’t decide what he makes then he’s to blame for all these horrible movies.

Literally, watch any comedy besides this own… A Night at the Roxbury, Superstar, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde… there is no way that will not be a better decision.

Contagion

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I think this looks terrible.

Everyone famous and their mother is in this movie… I’m kind of rooting for them all to die in the movie. Seriously, the movie is about the bird flu or SARS or the monkey pox or something. I don’t care. It looks like a shitty remake of Outbreak. Does everyone remember that movie? Dustin Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr. and the monkey with AIDS? That movie was a good movie. This movie looks like a waste of time.

The director is Steven Soderbergh. He’s famous just like this litany of famous people in this movie. But look at his track record and its way more bad than good. Also, Soderbergh makes movies like every few months like 2 a year and I feel like he is just doing that to do it. He likes making movies, nothing wrong with that. He’s really gotten into making these genre movies and kind of just trying his hand at all of them. Each one is like a little test for him to see if he can make them. I feel like Soderbergh probably got disillusioned by Hollywood, but got famous enough during that period of time that now he can kind of operate outside the law like some directors can. In that world they’ve created they can do what they want and everything kind of turns into pet projects and with that everything feels like a pet project. This to me feels very much like a pet project genre practice just as The Girlfriend Experience, Bubble, Haywire all were/are.

Also, it just doesn’t look particularly thrilling. It kind of looks stupid. And I’ve never seen a Soderbergh movie that is really “thrilling”. He doesn’t make thrilling movies in my opinion. He kind of makes slow evolving movies that are plodding and can be good, but really… I don’t find much excitement in the movies. It’s like they’re character studies and sometimes that fits the movie and sometimes it doesn’t. For this… this seems like it should be a thriller, but as mentioned I don’t think he’s particularly thrilling, so I’ll say this won’t go together well.

Warrior

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I’m going to be a little biased here and say that I’m excited for this movie. I’m definitely seeing this movie. It looks like the closest thing to a real MMA movie that I’m going to get – at least for a little while. So far, MMA movies have been stuck in this world of backyard brawling like in Fighting and Never Back Down. Those movies are an atrocity to the evolution of mankind. This movie, Warrior, has at the very least real actors and real actors trying to make MMA seem like a legitimate sport. The director is the guy who did Miracle, which was a decent heartwarming sports movie – it seems like that’s what this is going for as well.

The movie centers around two brothers both competing in an MMA tournament for I think a million dollar prize. It is shown in the trailer that the two of them end up in the finals against each other. So, I guess most of the movie is completely ruined by that idea and you’re really just going to see the movie to see, which brother wins in the finals and how. The brothers will obviously have some emotional ups and downs throughout the process of the tournament and it will be a big emotional slobber knocker at the end. I’m fine with that. At the very least, this isn’t about two guys fighting for rich people’s amusement at some champagne party or in a pit of homeless people the way MMA has been shown in these other flicks.

If I had to bet on the outcome… I’m guessing the younger brother – Tom Hardy – wins. It seems like the movie is more from the older brother’s – Joel Edgerton aka Chael Sonnen and Conan O’Brien’s love child – perspective and I imagine he needs the money just as much, but he is the burden bearer and he’ll come out the loser, but still have his family by him and whatever. It will be cathartic and the two brothers will love each other after the fight is over and it will be all good. But I’m guessing Tom does win.

I hope this movie does well in the theaters. I love MMA and I would like to see it represented correctly in pop-culture. So, go see the movie. Why not? I mean if you’re a dude then you should go see it to support about the most manly enterprise going which is MMA. If you’re a dude and you’re also gay then you could probably wear a long coat or bring a blanket with you and masturbate 18 to 34 times during the movie to the half naked Tom Hardy rolling around with other men. If you’re a chick then maybe the same masturbation scenario can play out for you. If you’re a chick who is a lesbian then what? You don’t go see movies? Lezzies don’t see heartwarming sports movies? Pfffftttt… go see it.

Drive

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It’s coming out. I’ve talked about this movie a lot already, so I’m not going to really get into it again.

I think the movie looks really good. I also think that trailers are deceiving. I also think that this movie already has more of a storyline in its trailer than Bronson or Valhalla Rising did, and that’s a good thing. The director Nicholas Winding Refn is not the best at “story”. He’s a lot better at filming and making things look interesting. We’ll see. It also looks like there is a lot of action in the movie, which is a good thing because his movies do have some monotonous slow points that he has trouble digging himself out of (Valhalla Rising). So… I’m looking forward to this. The movie seems much more in tune with the movies that made Nicholas originally famous in the movie world (Pusher series).

I really hope this doesn’t suck. Please be good. Please please please puh-lease!

By the way, if this is good then that’s also good for our future-selves because Mr. Refn is directing like a 100 movies over the next few years. If it isn’t good then we’re going to get a 100 shit movies from Refn over the next few years. No pressure.

….

Part 2 of these September movies will be up tomorrow….

So we’re liquifying the dead? I never trusted Jamba Juice before… Jamba means dead people. Also, maybe Pinkberry does as well.

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3 Responses to “Every Month Has Them, September Is A Month, Let’s Talk About Shitty Movies – part 1”

  1. tiffanized said

    I just discovered I have a fetish for Ryan Gosling in driving gloves**. I can just imagine him sliding those on; the smell of leather, the ripping of Velcro. Getting his fingers stuck in all those little holes as he struggles to get the goddamned things on, because seriously, have you ever put on driving gloves? They’re way tight and your fingers always try to sneak out of the holes instead of going into their proper compartments.

    **This is a lie. I’ve known for some time that I have a fetish for Ryan Gosling wearing anything, especially if he’s stopping street fights.

  2. Drive yes, Warrior sure, the rest bleh. The Bucky one actually makes me angry, but I’ve never been a big fan of any Adam Sandler comedy (save for Happy Gilmore and The Wedding Singer, and at least half the credit for the former goes to Carl Weathers).

    I see what you’re saying about Jason Sudeikis, but I think chicks like him. I do. (Then again, I find the Chael/Conan hybrid brother more attractive than Tom Hardy and I don’t get the hype over Ryan Gosling so maybe I’m defective.) But Sudeikis is cute and he’s funny — that goes a long way with the laaaadieeees. So if a movie is about him being charming and adorable and getting some “poon juice on his dangle” (you’re a regular Shakespeare, by the way) as a result? Sure. I buy it. Less so if they want me to think chicks are tearing their clothes off and throwing themselves at him just on sight alone. The Snooki-types don’t usually go for those dudes.

  3. Nix said

    I’m sure us chicks (& gay guys) can go & see a movie about MMA fighters & appreciate the finer points of the fighting skills & storyline without needing the mandatory masturbation blanky. A Ryan Gosling movie on the other hand….

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