Every Month Has Them, September Is A Month, Let’s Talk About Shitty Movies – part 2

September 2, 2011

It’s Friday.

I’m tired. I was up late. I was woken up early by a barking dog … my own dog … and this happens every morning as far as I can tell. I have a lot of work freelance writing work to do in a short period of time, but but but I did not finish my September previews plus I’m a procrastinator with real work and I am apparently a masochist in that way … so I need to do these movie previews for no apparent reason. They will be shorter than usual. I will say that. They’ll be closer to lightning round style previews.

Anything else before I start?

Jersey Shore fucked us last night. They played the same stupid episode from Sunday night. C’mon! You can’t edit together some B-roll of these idiots in a dance club or something for me?!

I had my fantasy football draft last night. I feel like if someone asked me questions about football then I would sound like a relative genius answering them. I know about football. But once we start drafting, I feel like a moron. I feel like I’m a fucking stupid-head. It’s harsh language I know, and you may feel the need to jump in to defend me, but just listen… stupid-head is how I feel. It also doesn’t help that half the league is auto-drafting so guys fly off the board left and right. I don’t know how I feel about my team. They seem to be OK.

My team’s name this year is MIND GAMES. Why? That’s part of the mind games that I’m playing. They’ve already begun! That’s what’s happening this year – tons of mind games. I wasn’t in love with my new team name until I went out there and drafted three white guys in my first three picks – Drew Brees, Matt Ryan and Peyton Hillis – talk about mind games! That’s a mind game being dropped on everyone. That’s right – white guys. I couldn’t keep that up much longer, so I drafted Matt Forte and then Miles Austin. Both black, but I’d bet Miles Austin has a Coldplay CD in his car and has had way more sex with white chicks than black chicks. So… mind games! Sixth pick was Ahmad Bradshaw… yeah, he’s black. I love Ahmad. I’m not a Giants fan, but I love Ahmad. He runs with the anger of 1000 single bridesmaids! Ahmad runs angry and I love it. I can’t remember the rest of the draft – it’s all a blur. Nevertheless, I’m playing games with yo’ mind this year.

Let’s do these fucking movies in their dumb asses…

I Don’t Know How She Does It

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Sarah Jessica Parker, ’nuff said. I might as well be the anti-Christ to this movie. I want to hurt myself with a pen knife for even just reading what this movie is about. I Don’t Know How She Does It? What? Not cheat on her husband with Pierce Brosnan? That’s what it sounds like the question is about to me. I guess that would be tough for you ladies. I mean it is Pierce Brosnan versus Greg Kinnear. Also, Olivia Munn’s character in this movie’s name is “Momo”. Momo? Who the fuck names their kid Momo? And I would also like to add who the fuck thinks that naming a person Momo in a script should then have that position filled by a crazy super duper hot Olivia Munn and then not change that name at all? Momo? Fucking Hollywood is full of stupid-heads.

Lion King 3D

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First – Get high and see this.

Second – this lovely minimalistic poster is by Mikie Daniel from this -> http://mikiedaniel.wordpress.com/

Straw Dogs

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Before I get to shirtless Alexander Skarsgard… this remake seems awfully similar to the Last House on the Left remake. It’s really not a terrible idea for a remake – like Last House on the Left. It’s a movie with a fairly universal storyline and on top of that the original wasn’t so well known that a remake doesn’t seem ludicrous. Either way, I doubt the movie is anything special just like the Last House on the Left remake. Nevertheless, what am I blabbering about? Alexander Skarsgard is shirtless in this movie and he’s sweaty and he’s got a tan and everyone who’s attracted to men or at least bi-curious is already furiously masturbating with the nearest objects that aren’t nailed down. I imagine none of you will be able to relate to Kate Bosworth’s character who refuses the advances by Skarsgard. That will be more difficult to grasp than whose still dreaming at the end of Inception. The movie looks pretty paint by numbers.

Abduction

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If you ever wanted to see the movie Eagle Eye with Taylor Lautner as Shia Labeouf then now’s your chance! It looks like dog shit and they even have Taylor throwing one of his taekwondo spinning back kicks – art imitating life. Why not? Maybe his muddied up award’s show boots will make an appearance. I still think there should be a birther movement started about Taylor. I’m pretty sure he is the most successful attempt by some scientist group to create a cyborg and he lives among us.

Killer Elite

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Awful. Looks fucking awful. But the people who saw The Mechanic will see this. I mean why wouldn’t they? They have no ability to tell the difference between right and wrong. You should be glad they’re just seeing Jason Statham movies and not driving into oncoming traffic instead. These people’s brains are not functioning on what I would consider a normal level. Plus Clive Owen looks ridiculous with that mustache. Just stop it.

Moneyball

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Looks like Blindside, but less racist and worse… and maybe less factual. This movie looks not only bad, but if you know anything about baseball in the slightest or have access to wikipedia then this movie is just incorrect. Brad Pitt’s character didn’t invent the system of drafting players that they highlight in this movie. For fuck’s sake, it’s the same drafting system they use in the movie Major League or any Bad News Bears style movie. Drafting guys who can fit a role and not drafting the big bucks that can do seemingly everything. Not a team of all stars, but a team of role players that can make the team more than the sum of its parts. Brad Pitt’s guy may have invented the word “moneyball”, but that’s about it. Jonah Hill’s character doesn’t exist in real life. And then there’s the whole thing where the Oakland A’s (the team of focus) doesn’t win a damn thing. The A’s never won or even got to a World Series during this time. Funny enough, do you know when the A’s did win World Series championships? When they did have a team of All Stars and not a team of role players. If you wanted to make a movie about baseball/the A’s then it should have been about the Bash Brothers (Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire), Rickey Henderson, Dennis Eckersley and including Brad Pitt’s character Billy Beane – the 1989 A’s who won the fucking championship. That would’ve been a good movie.

50/50

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Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen are hetero life mates and Joseph is diagnosed with cancer. Looks like it could be really good. There a bunch of other great people in it like Anjelica Huston, Anna Kendrick and Bryce Dallas Howard. I’m seeing this movie. You should see this movie. That’s what I’m saying. What else needs to be said? I mean I don’t think there’s more to be said. It’s a darkish comedy and people are in it and those people should do a good job or we’ll hunt them down with trained foxes. There’s that. Win win situation.

Dream House

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Looks creepy. I didn’t even watch the trailer, but the poster is creepville. It’s got Daniel Craig in it with Naomi Watts and Rachel Weisz and it’s in September and I’ve never heard of it, so I’m guessing it is pretty who gives a fuck. It’s probably been sitting on some shelf somewhere for a year or two I would bet. Just one of those movies that appears absolutely out of nowhere. Whatever. See it, don’t see it. I bet it’s bad. Don’t see it. But I can’t stop you people.

What’s Your Number?

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I won’t lie, I think the trailer for this movie is decently funny. I may have been drunk when I saw that trailer, but I may be drunk when I see this movie, so it all works out. I don’t know if I would pay to see this movie in the theaters, but I would definitely watch it lying on my couch filled to the brim with pumpkin beer. That would happen and I bet it would be a fun time. It’s an R rated comedy about being a cute blonde like Anna Farris who is just having such a tough time finding a normal man. It’s relate-able, right? What isn’t these days? I remember that time I was in college where me and some of my buddies trained to be assassins and we kidnapped some Nazi doctor and then did something to him and then like 40 years later we were plagued by the idea of what we did, so we became paranoid of each other and did stuff to each other, which is why we all should see The Debt, right?

Last, but not least…

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

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The trailer is hysterical. I worry that too much was shown in the trailer, but it looks like at the very least those scenes are very funny. It’s a funny idea for a movie especially since the movies it is making fun of are so apparent each and every week regardless of whether they make any money in the theater – Shark Night 3D I’m looking at you. Anyway, it looks funny. It’s also on a limited release, so you may need to wait until this hits Netflix or really whatever movie rental system there is by then because it appears that Netflix is infected with idiocy and is dying of it pretty quickly.

Have a great weekend.

I love each and every one of you people with the bottom of my non-existent heart and I wouldn’t change a single thing about any one of you minus the whole part where I don’t know you or really what most of you look like or you could be a serial killer and I wouldn’t have any idea, so in that case I would change you a little bit to make you not a serial killer or at least a serial killer that kills other serial killers alla Dexter, but that’s kind of a long term project, so let’s focus on the love for this weekend and that’s what I’m saying that you should all celebrate Labor day weekend where ever you are on this crazy spinning rock and you should love each other in each other’s sexual spots because that’s the love that feels good, but keep it consensual because love is a consensual thing unless we’re talking about with celebrities because they’re so jaded they can’t love anyone, but you can love them because of how pretty and famous and rich they are, so just remember that if you’re putting your sex spots on a celebrities sex spots it’s going to be a one way road, but I’m getting off track and I should be focusing on how much I want your weekend to be great and filled with Summer glow of puppy kisses and I think that’s a good place to stop.

Have a great weekend.

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6 Responses to “Every Month Has Them, September Is A Month, Let’s Talk About Shitty Movies – part 2”

  1. Nix said

    1. I would choose Greg Kinnear over Pierce Brosnan. He looks more fun.
    2. I am decidedly below meh about that Skarsgard guy *shrugs*
    3. How the fuck did Jason Statham land in a movie with Robert de Niro?! I mean sure Statham is fine & entertaining in his place but his place is surely not with Robert de Niro.

    And in conclusion I just got slathered in puppy kisses from 2 hyperactive young canines so thanks for that. Drooly slobbery puppy kisses back atcha.

  2. PWG said

    I haven’t read Moneyball, but I have had it explained to me in excruciating detail by the same man who has also attempted to explain poker hand odds and the I-formation to our children.

    So I feel totally qualified to say, “I don’t think that was the principle behind Moneyball.” I thought it was about Bill James and on-base percentages rather than whatever the hell other stats they were using before to pick expensive players. Anyhoo, I’ll probably see that one. I’ve liked every Brad Pitt movie I’ve seen so far, although to keep that record untarnished I did skip Legends of the Fall.

  3. PWG said

    I will skip Killer Elite because of Clive Owen’s mustache. If he didn’t have that thing on his face, I’d move down my list of other reasons to skip it, but luckily they took care if it right there on the movie poster, so I’m good.

    I had a good laugh at the Abduction trailer. That kid is incapable of looking tough, no matter how many protein shakes he drinks.

    I Don’t Know How She Does It is a movie I would never see in a million lifetimes. 50/50 is 50/50, because I love Joseph Gordon Levitt but I’m not a fan of Seth Rogen so much.

    September looks worse than August. When do the good movies come back again?

  4. Hey.
    I’ve just noticed that you’ve used my Lion King 3D poster design. I do ask very clearly on my blog for prior contact or a link back to my blog.

    Thanks.

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