GOD EXISTS!!!!! And God hacks cellphones! Thank you, God!

September 14, 2011

Before we eat this meal, which is my first post in a week’s span, let us all bow our heads and pray in thanks for all God’s holy deeds. You may want to bow your head, but really tilt up your eyes a lot because you need to still keep reading what I’m writing regardless. I mean respect God and all, of course, but never stop reading. Anyway, let’s begin…

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you, Lord, for these Scarlett Johansson nude photos which you in all your benevolence have seen fit to set before us this most glorious of Wednesdays. Thank you, you sweet omnipresent light of hope, for we shall use these two photos, in which in one we see Scarlett lying on a bed with her bare breasts smiling at us and in the second we see Scarlett’s exquisite and elegantly shaped white girl butt, to nourish our souls for beauty makes all souls happy and nothing is more beautiful than your work God and by “work” this time I’m referring to the crazy sexy Scarlett Johansson and her now naked before us. Almighty with a kindness in your for the desires of at the very least heterosexual men and homosexual women and women who just like a good look at a good looking naked chick and gay men who also like to look at women naked because it really is more interesting than reading about the Republican debates, Lord, make us ever more mindful of the needs of others, and the needs of our planet, and I believe we have satisfied many of those needs today, that being seeing Scarlett Johansson naked sooner than later in all of our lives and not to sound greedy, gracious and generous God, but more nude pictures or even a video of Scarlett Johansson is exploring her feminine nature on a hotel bed would be greatly appreciated, accepted and taken with open arms into our hearts and into our bedrooms where we may watch this video on repeat in privacy.

God bless you God, Amen.

I’M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and

SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS NAKED!!!!!!

It’s good to be back. And not drunk. Honestly, I’ve been drinking a lot recently and it’s nice to be sober for a while.

These pictures I’m referring to are all over the internet. I prefer www.wwtdd.com . I enjoy that website. I enjoy the humor. I enjoy the naked pictures and bikini pictures. But you can find the pictures just about everywhere at this point.

So what else has been going on?

As for Kristen Stewart – I saw a poster and a trailer came out for Twilight Earth 2 or whichever one we’re up to now. How is this still going on? There’s a wedding and a honeymoon and she’s getting preggers? That sounds horrible. You ladies need to stay the hell away from vampires – you’ve made them fucking BORING. BORING!!!!!! Does anyone remember Blade? Do you think Blade gets married and has a honeymoon and gets pregnant? NO! The last one, he can’t get pregnant. Blade has the speed and strength of a vampire while still being able to walk in sunlight like a human, but he can’t get pregnant. Nevertheless, Blade doesn’t get married or go on a honeymoon. Blade FUCKS SHIT UP. That’s what Blade does. He hunts vampires with a SWORD and he puts his martial arts all over their asses.

I guess I’ll watch the trailer and give you my thoughts on it later this week. I will say that every time I see how pale Fake-Rob is in these movies and then see how much you ladies “squeee” over him on Twitter – I lose [——–] that much respect for you as a collective gender. But then I see pictures of Scarlett Johansson naked and I want there to be double the amount of women than men on the planet, so shit gets weird you know?

As for me…

I’ve been in Chicago. I’ve been drinking in Chicago. I’ve been drinking a lot in Chicago. I was wearing a tux for some of it.

I arrived in Chi-town on Wednesday and proceeded to get really really drun— sober and work. I had to write an article. I dropped my stuff at my hotel and went to eat at a Cosi that I knew was a few blocks away because I was staying only a few blocks from the hotel I stayed at when I went to Chicago a couple years ago for work. After Cosi, I sat in my hotel room and worked. But when I was done, I made my way to a sports bar called Mother Hubbard’s and started drinking by myself. I also ate a basket of buffalo wings that were the messiest wings I’ve ever eaten and since I was alone in a city that no one knows me in, I proceeded to get crazy messy at the bar. I didn’t even bother to make it look respectable – I was covered in that buffalo sauce like it was my second skin. It was truly disgusting I would imagine watching a 28 year old male just give up like that and bury his face in buffalo sauce – only to take momentary respites for Sam Adams Octoberfest beer.

I did end up meeting up with another wedding goer that night and we drank and then he ended up sleeping on the floor of my hotel room. Shit gets weird on Central time.

The next night a bunch of the dude wedding goers and I went to the Tilted Kilt, which is an Irish/Scottish themed Hooters basically. First and foremost, it does sound stupid, but the girls do looks hotter in these outfits than the Hooters’ ones. I don’t know what goes on in my brain that a short plain skirt is the hottest, but it is and it doesn’t hurt that a white button shirt tied right under the boobs with no buttons buttoned is happening up top as well.

I was out drinking that night until like 3am and went to sleep at like 5am and was promptly woken up at 9am that Dawgz would be at my hotel at 10am.

Dawgz showed up at 10am from a 7am flight and we walked the streets (him flying high on coffee and me hungover) of Chicago until we gave up and went to a bar at 12:30pm and started drinking. We ended up at another bar around 4pm where we met up with others then went back to my hotel room around 6:30pm to drink 24 ounce canned beers I procured from the 7-11 across the street from the hotel then we went and ate a late dinner at 9:30 pm at Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse, which was excellent and tasted of championships then at 11:30pm I was at a piano bar singing along to “Thunder Road” and at some point I walked a mile or so back to my hotel room.

Saturday, I took the Chicago architecture boat tour, which you have to go on. I don’t know exactly who is reading this, but it doesn’t matter because you need to go on it. If you’ve been on it already then go again. I don’t care! JUST GO ON IT! It’s really fucking amazing. I only remember like 10 things the guide told us about Chicago buildings for that hour and a half, but that was an unreal 90 minutes. Just a beautiful city and you’re seeing it in about the best way possible. About the only thing that would have been better is if a naked Scarlett Johansson clone army was serving us all mojitos and appetizers while we took the boat tour. The one thing I do remember is Fazlur Khan.

Fazlur was the architect for many of the most famous buildings in Chicago and that’s great and all, but… dude… that name?! What a kick ass name?

FAZLUR KHAN

James Bond should be fighting Fazlur Khan.

James, your next assignment is to assassinate and bring an end to the reign of terror of Fazlur Khan.

What?! No! Fazlur was like a father to me. He was the one who taught me how to be a OO agent. I can’t-

You must! You must, James! This is for the sake of our nation and the world. Fazlur Khan must be stopped!

Damn you, Khan. KHAN!!!!!!!! FAZLUR KHAN!!!!!!

Yep…

Anyway, that night was the wedding and it was great.

I wore a tuxedo. The bride and groom got married. I got fucking drunk until about 5 in the morning. I danced and karaoked to Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” while wearing my tux. So… I think mission accomplished.

Sunday, I woke up in pain. But I got up because FOOTBALL wanted me to and I went to the bar to watch the Steelers embarrass themselves. That was undeniably the worst I’ve ever seen the Steelers play in any recent memory. But who the fuck cares? Honestly. This weekend the Steelers play Seattle. Do you know what the score is at the start of that game? 0 fucking 0. That’s it. No matter how shitty the Steelers played on Sunday and they played really shitty – it counts as one loss. Like the Dallas Cowboys played really well up until they decided they didn’t want to win the football game and they lost to the Jets. That’s one loss too. So, the Steelers play Seattle this coming weekend and the score is 0-0 and is it a whole new ball game and I’m prepared to see the Steelers run the fuck over the Seattle Seahawks. I’m also prepared to see them do that in at least 10 more games this season including a revenge game against the Ravens later this year. One loss is one loss. Now, move on and go fuck the fuck out of some fucking team.

I flew back Monday morning to New Jersey only to get into my car and drive to New York City to get drunk and watch Monday Night Football – both games – with the Dawgz.

Yesterday, I was sober. Today I’ll be sober and Thursday and I’ll probably get back to having a few drinks on Friday.

That was a rough, but very fun week.

So… I’m back.

I love you all…. ?

What have YOU been up to?

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3 Responses to “GOD EXISTS!!!!! And God hacks cellphones! Thank you, God!”

  1. “for we shall use these two photos […] to nourish our souls” is just about the nicest way I’ve ever heard someone say “brb, jerking it for the next forever”.

    Welcome back. Here’s a puppy gif.

  2. PWG said

    Well now I’ve seen Scarlett’s knockers. I was just appreciating my own knockers today, in fact. I was brushing my teeth and thinking, “If I had to pick a best part it would probably be my breasts.” But that’s kind of a cop-out, because breasts have to be doing something pretty heinous not to look good. We have a pretty wide range of acceptable breast sizes, shapes and colors. Just GIS “boobs” with the safe search off, and I’m pretty sure the first 70,000 pages of results are 99% attractive.

    But Scarlett’s are exceptionally nice, I guess. I see 3/4 of them on a regular basis every time I walk into my server room. We have that picture of her in what I think of as her Green Bay Packers gear hanging up in there. The guys don’t want me to feel left out, though, so they occasionally hang up pictures of guys they think I might like, too. Right now I have to 2011 yo-yo champion up there for my viewing pleasure. Sometimes they include captions. Which is why my appreciation of the way visible light reflects off the face of one fake-ass vampire is going to be our little secret forever from my merciless male co-morkers.

  3. Nix said

    Oh THERE you are. I thought maybe you’d fallen off the face of Chicago.

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