All I See Is Zombies In Bikinis!!!! and random other things I guess…

September 15, 2011

What the HELL was going on yesterday?!

I wake up to Scarlett Johansson’s naked pictures on the internet… which would have been enough. Enough for like a week of enough… but that wasn’t enough…

Did I read this correctly or did we learn yesterday that Sarah Palin had sex with Glen Rice?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

If I were being objective, two reasonably or even unreasonably attractive people who are young and having fun can go out and mash their genitals together in a consensual setting as much as they would like. I mean from Glen’s perspective, Sarah was a model and even if she wasn’t gainfully employed as a good looking person, she was a good looking person, she still is a good looking person and when a good looking person wants to mash genitals with you – you do it. Believe me, there will be a lot of not good looking people who want to mash genitals with you as well – namely crazy homeless people, ice cream truck drivers, and New Jersey Nets fans. I’m kidding Nets fans. I’m just ribbing you. Anyway, so back to the mashing of genitals… Sarah is a few years older than Glen, so a little bit older chick is rubbing up on you at the club and you’re in college at the time and she’s a model or news reporter or whatever and you’re in Alaska… I mean it’s either this squirrely eyed, but good looking white lady or it’s an eskimo. Am I right?!

Glen Rice was a stand-out collegiate basketball player and he’s touring the country showing off his 6’7″ elegance and silky shooting and he’s laying the pipe to somebody… it was either Sarah or it was an inuit. As for Sarah, I mean she can either have sex with what I was just mentioning – 6’7″ of athletic younger man splendor – or she can fuck an eskimo/inuit as well. I’m not saying we shouldn’t fuck the eskimos…

I’m just saying when this opportunity presents itself… eh you get it. Those two had to mash their genitals together.

Anyway…

Subjectively… I love it! I love professional sports and I love nostalgic references to my childhood.

I really hope more comes about this… supposedly the rest of this book about Sarah Palin has her and Todd snorting coke and her having an affair and all sorts of stuff. I know it’s not going to happen, but I would love for Michele Bachmann, in all that she tries to do to be Sarah Palin, to go out and bang or make up a story of her banging an NBA player from the same time period. I’m hoping it is Mugsy Bogues. All 5’3″ of Mugsy!

What else happened?

Mila Kunis’ cellphone got hacked too… but I read that the pictures were of Justin Timberlake and him lounging around shirtless and another one of him wearing panties on his head. Seriously? Those are the pictures she took of him? They sound like pictures that have probably been taken by a professional photographer and appeared in Details or GQ magazine already.

What else happened?

I watched some of Kevin Smith’s Red State…. *shrugs*.

I got through like 45 minutes or maybe a little more the other night and I wasn’t really into it. It is too much of what you should expect or what I expected and that’s boring and kind of unoriginal. It’s too nail on the head. It’s kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the Westboro Baptist Church and while watching it I felt like A) I’ve seen this before and B) why is Kevin Smith making this? A) we have seen this before. There are dozens of movies about religious cults killing people. This one is now trying to gear it towards this topical idea of the Westboro Baptist Church in particular, but again who cares? Whether it’s topical that these church goers are protesting US military funerals or not, it’s a movie and we’ve seen evil conservative crazy Christians killing people in the name of Jeebus before. Not to say, I’m against seeing it again… but I’m just saying it’s not as original an idea as it could be – it’s really just “original” because a former exclusive comedy director is now directing this.

B) Why is Kevin making this? I don’t know. I don’t really care either.

And… C) (?) In these 45 minutes or so that I’ve watched it has been really only 2 scenes. TWO?! Yep. Two scenes. There was before the church got involved and since. That’s really it. The actor Michael Parks (who I am a big fan of) plays the Pastor of this church and he gives what feels like or possibly could be a 10-15 minute sermon about how he views the heathens of the world and so forth. It’s too much. We get it. We get it from the moment we meet these people what they believe. We’ve seen them in movies a 100x before. We’re sinners and they’re the good Godly people, but they’re actually serial killing psychos, but they think they’re doing God’s work. No need for such a long speech. Either way, after 45 minutes and only running about 2 scenes so far into the movie… it just feels phenomenally slapdash thrown together. As of right now, if it took Mr. Smith more than a weekend to write those first 45 minutes then I don’t know what the hell is going on with him.

I’m holding out hope the second half of the movie will be better. At the rate we’re moving, I doubt it.

What else?

ZOMBIES!!!!

I got the videogame Dead Island.

I played it a bunch yesterday and I love it.

It’s a mix of a few things that I’m a big fan of:

1. zombies

2. Borderlands

3. Lost

4. zombies in bikinis

5. wild bloody mayhem

The game is about a tropical paradise island resort that gets infected by zombies. You can choose from 1 of 4 players and you start your journey the next morning after the zombie apocalypse the night before. You awake to this island resort after it’s nightmarish night and the aftermath is zombies, dead bodies, blood, fire, destruction and only a few survivors trying to get off the island.

One of my favorite video games from the past few years is Borderlands, which was made by the same people who made this game. There are a lot of similarities with controls, gameplay, the 4 character choices, dark humor, story lay out and so forth, so I love that. The video games themselves are very different, but there are similarities.

The graphics are amazing and gruesome. The gameplay itself is crazy gruesome as generally speaking you are just bashing zombies brains in. Most of your weapons are baseball bats, rowing oars, crowbars, metal pipes, knives and so forth that you find lying around. Right now, my best weapon is a heavy wrench. I did just get a revolver, but I have one bullet for it and I’m not sure when I’m getting more. But don’t worry because the wrench fucks these zombies up! My MO with the zombies is get them to notice me then they come a running then I time it that as their momentum is coming towards me BLAMO! I land a front kick to their sternum and as they fall backwards or as they’re going to stand back up BLAMO! I hit crush their skull with the wrench. It’s satisfying and you do it a lot.

As for Lost – there are definitely references to the show in the game. Already a plane has crash landed into the jungle and that’s one sidequest to find them. It’s about a group of people stranded on a beautiful island and they’re starting from scratch to work their way to get off the island… plus there is some weird mystical shit going on as well.

I’m only like 10% or so through the game and it has been really good so far and some great action sequences. Simply the look of the game is worth it. Walking on to these picturesque beaches with crystal clear ocean and the sun shining down and you’re character is holding a bloody crowbar and there are cabanas on fire and dead bodies everywhere and a pack of half naked zombies are chasing after you to eat your brains and you’re bashing their skulls in with the crowbar… it’s just too perfect.

 

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One Response to “All I See Is Zombies In Bikinis!!!! and random other things I guess…”

  1. tiffanized said

    I don’t have much to say about Sarah Palin. I don’t know who Glen Rice is. At first I thought the news was that she had sex with Glenn BECK, which would be the best life-imitating-discarded-porn-script story ever.

    If I played Dead Island I’d probably spend the whole time hiding from zombies, not trying to kill them and definitely not trying to get their attention. Sometimes I watch people play Dead Space 2 and it’s excruciating because I get all involved and want them to run away from the aliens. I’m guessing my cowardice in the video game medium doesn’t bode well for my chances in the real life zombie apocalypse.

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