The Ladies of the Emmys aka 50+ Women Who Look Like They’re Auditioning For “Pretty Woman 2”

September 19, 2011

Happy Monday!

Generally speaking, I had a pretty manly weekend. I watched 16 professional mixed martial arts cage fights (Bellator and UFC), I watched one professional boxing match (Mayweather vs. Ortiz), I watched numerous American professional tackle football games (Steelers – Black and Gold), and I saw Drive.

Last to first, I really liked Drive a lot. The key to the movie is the fashion of it – the coolness. If you think the music in it is cool, if you think Ryan Gosling is cool, if you think that white jacket with the gold scorpion on it is cool, if you think fast cars are cool, if you think graphic violence against and by mobsters is cool… then you’ll think this movie is cool. Like the director’s, Refn, other movies, Drive is insanely slow. The man just makes slow ass movies. There are times when characters are just staring at each other almost blankly that you want to yell “JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!!!!”, but that’s what Refn does. Nevertheless, the movie is cool and well made and I really like the soundtrack and so I liked it a lot, but it definitely could have been better and I don’t think it is for everyone. Check out some of the music for the movie here – http://blogs.indiewire.com/theplaylist/archives/drive_soundtrack_features_kavinsky_chromatics_due_september_6/

As for the Mayweather/Ortiz fight that got a ton more press than boxing has got in a looooooooooong time (since the last thing that Mayweather did)… I think Ortiz deserved exactly what he got from Floyd Mayweather Jr. A lot of people hate Floyd and I think they hate him for pretty much no reason and they’re so completely biased against him that their opinions have zero objectivity at this point. Mayweather isn’t a dirty fighter and never has been. Mayweather is the best boxer of his generation and one of the best ever. Mayweather at 34 years old and a year’s lay off was putting on a boxing clinic in there on his opponent like he always does and his opponent Victor Ortiz, 24, looked for a way out. After easily winning the first 3 rounds one more than the next, Mayweather was weathering a wild storm of punches from Ortiz that weren’t hitting in the least bit. Ortiz furious that he was losing, and clearly not going to start winning any time soon, intentionally headbutts Floyd in the mouth and splits open Floyd’s skin below his lip and drawing blood. The ref steps in and stops the fight and deducts a point. Ortiz apologizes, but Floyd does look at him like “are you fucking kidding me?” That was amateur hour bullshit, that was Ortiz cheating, that was Ortiz not wanting this to be a boxing match anymore and hoping for a street fight. Well, seconds later he got one when Ortiz went to hug Floyd again to apologize a second time, Floyd accepted it and then took a step back and clocked Ortiz with a left hook then followed it with a right straight that KNOCKED ORTIZ THE FUCK OUT. Ortiz? You didn’t want a boxing match? Guess what? You got it and Floyd won there too and you’re knocked out. Ortiz got what he deserved and what Mayweather did was completely legal although very sneaky.

Steelers won. Thank God.

With that being said… today is not about manly things. Today is about the womens. The loveliest bitches on Earth. Celebrity ladies dressed like the highest class prostitutes one could ever find on the yellowpages.com under “escorts”. It’s the Emmys red carpet arrivals!

LET’S TALK ABOUT THESE XX CHROMOSOMES!!!!

EMMYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PROSTITUTES!!!!!!!!!!!

Photobucket

Ugh. Why did she have to be first? Of all people, why her? Oh wait, I put her first. Hmmmm… how very tricky of you Gwen! Anyway, people said this dress was “daring”. There are a few other dresses that these same “people” “thought” were “daring”. I’ve mentioned this before, but being a rich lady who is internationally recognized as being hot and wearing a dress made by some flamboyant French homosexual is not “daring”. Daring is like when a firefighter runs into a building that’s on FIRE and risks their life to save someone inside. That’s daring. Another daring thing is eating some British “black pudding” for breakfast with mimosas while watching football, which I did on Sunday. That shit is daring. But Gwen wearing a dress inspired by Henna tattoos and showing off a strip of her belly (not even the button) is not daring nor is noteworthy, so Gwen move along. This is stupid. NEXT!!!!

Photobucket

Hey, it’s Lea Michelle. This dress is also “daring”. You may have noticed already in the Gwen picture and now in this one – you will not see many feet in these pictures. Most of these women’s feet are completely obscured by their dresses and once you notice that you can’t unnotice that and once you can’t do that you start to get really freaked out by it. I’m really freaked out by it. Why is this dress “daring”? Is it because it’s red? So we all know Lea’s got a hot Jew body because she’s done a whole bunch of next to naked photo shoots recently and this dress hugs some of those curves. The only daring bit is that it completely covers up her boobies like her feeties.

Photobucket

Oh are you looking at my butt? That’s not nice of you, but I guess you take another thousand pictures of it. Oh what? My butt? Yes, my butt is wearing… What did you say? Oh, right, yes, I’m very proud of my butt. Also, I’m an interesting person with interests… what was that? You need more pictures of my butt, ok here it is.

Photobucket

Here is our first competitor and current champion of Dexter’s Michael C. Hall, JULIA “Home Wrecker” STILES!!!!! Julia’s looking good. Definitely good enough to possibly still your man. I’d watch your mens around Julia. It’s a nice form fitting dress that really makes it look like Julia’s got some curves to better help steal your men away from you right in front of your effin’ face. Her vanquished opponent is back though and ready to fight for the belt again…

Photobucket

This chick! I think her name is Jennifer Carpenter, which is maybe the reason why she lost Hall to Stiles. What’s your name again? Oh right, yeah well Julia and I are going to go see Drive and make out in the back of the theater. Toodles. I imagine Michael C. Hall says toodles when he is being a dick. Anyway, JEEBUS!!!! Look at those boobs on this chick. Has anyone ever watched Dexter? This chick is not known for her boobs. She’s like rail thin from top to toes and tonight she’s packing some heat. She’s looking good tonight like real good like I’d pay double for that from the “escorts” section of the yellowpages. Like this is a good investment for my tax returns. Jen knows it too. She’s looking at the camera like “where the fuck is Michael C. Hall, so I can rub my boobs in his face metaphorical, but then maybe I’ll steal him back and really physically rub my boobs in his face on the limo ride back.”

Photobucket

I like it. I think Cobie looks good. The color isn’t for everyone – I get that, but fuck it. I like it. I also like this look she’s giving the camera where she’s like “Oh me? Oh yes, I am quite pretty when I clean up. Usually on the TV show I’m wearing knits and jeans and am supposed to be a tomboy sort of, but yeah I fill out a dress nicely. Yeah, uh huh, I’m one of the better looking chicks here, but I’m subtle and not slutty about it.” Yeah, listen to Cobie, you whores.

Photobucket

This is the least attractive lady EVER! Oh man, she is a disgusting mess. She also looks bloated/plastic surgeryed out. It’s a Mr. Potato Head head on this broad, so I guess Mrs. Potato Head. It’s like a female pop country singer who disappears for two decades and then comes back with botox and face lifts and you’re like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT… or right, her. Yeah, I know this is a dude, but if you didn’t know that this was a dude you would just think this is the most awful looking chick who dresses like the cheesiest lesbian.

Photobucket

I don’t know who this is… that happens a lot in this actually – apparently I don’t know who anyone on TV is anymore… but she looks good. This dress is a little high concept for me, but at the same time it kind of just looks like a silk toga. Nevertheless, you blonde lady look good – real good – sexy good. Also, the look on her face suggests to me “I don’t usually wear these sort of dresses, but when I do… I look goooooooood.” I like it a lot lady. I like it a lot.

Photobucket

Christ… this picture looks photoshopped. I honestly don’t care how tiny of a waist Kelly Osborne gets. She’s lost like a million pounds at this point and good for her, but I still don’t care. I think she’s somehow losing other people’s weight that’s how much weight she’s losing and that’s great for her, but I honestly could not care any less. Kelly Osborne? Seriously? I thought we all agreed that we wanted that family to go away. Whatever. Looking better than before Kelly.

Photobucket

Amy Poehler. I’m not going to say a bad word about Amy Poehler. I wouldn’t dream of it. Not in a million years would I imagine a nightmare in which I betray Amy Poehler by saying a single bad word about her. So… IF YOU OUT THERE EVEN FUCKING DARE TO SAY A MEAN SPIRITED SYLLABLE ABOUT THIS ANGEL OF A WOMAN THEN THE ALMIGHTY THE LORD YAHWEH ABOVE BETTER HELP YOU BECAUSE I WILL UNLEASH A HELL ONTO EVERY SECOND OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT MY PERSONAL MISSION TO CAUSE YOU PAIN THAT HAS YET TO BE SEEN IN THIS TEMPORAL PLANE OF EXISTENCE! … … … so yeah, I believe Parks and Rec is starting up again soon. That’s cool because I like that show a lot.

Photobucket

Did Jane host the Emmys? I didn’t watch them, but I think Jane Lynch hosted them. Looking good, Jane. I feel like throughout the year we don’t see Jane doll it up much, but when she does she does it well. She also has her foot peaking out, which is refreshing in this world of feetless pretty ladies. I can’t comment on how Jane did as the host or didn’t do as the host because I was too busy watching an epic football game between the Eagles and the Falcons. I can only imagine the Emmys could have been better than that game if they had a public execution of the cast of Entourage followed by a public orgy featuring the cast of Mad Men. Still it would’ve been hard to beat that football game.

Photobucket

It doesn’t look like the chick from Friday Night Lights who played Wonder Woman a millisecond longer than I did, but it is her. It looks like a good looking lady. It is a good looking lady and it is that good looking lady that you do know, although it doesn’t look like her. She looks good, but if I had any disagreeable comment it would be that she doesn’t look much like herself. I think she is particularly stunning as a human being normally and she doesn’t look much like herself in this, so I kind of wish she looked more like herself… you know?

Photobucket

Hey everyone, do you watch Modern Family? Yes? Do you know how Ty and Julie have those two daughters? There is the hot one who is really in her 20’s, but she looks like she’s in high school and she’s ditsy. And there was the nerdy one who wasn’t at all supposed to be good looking and she’s ostracized in school for her brains and her non attractiveness? Remember that? Hmmmm… well… errrrr… there’s this thing called “puberty”… hmmmm… how to explain this?… um there are these chemicals in your body… and… have you ever women with boobs or dude’s with chest hair?… hmmmm… that’s still weird because she’s like 13… uhhhh… well…. let’s just say that Ariel Winter is going through some “changes” and those “changes” are really going to throw a wrench in that previous storyline mentioned where boys at her school are not killing themselves to be with her every second of every day forever. Does that make sense?

Phew… I think we got through that one unscathed and I’m not in jail, right? Ok good.

Photobucket

So Kerry Washington is the living black Barbie doll? Is Kerry Washington on TV? I feel like I haven’t seen anything she is in, but damn is she good looking. They could seriously sell dolls of Kerry Washington to little girls and it would sell like gangbusters… actually they could sell dolls of Kerry Washington to grown ass men and they would sell like gangbusters.

Photobucket

Listen… I like Elizabeth Moss. I find her attractive and even more so I think she is a very talented actress and one of the best parts of the show Mad Men. She’s so good on Mad Men. She really is so good on Mad Men, but let’s all just say it together even though we love her… forehead or maybe five-head. It’s like Vince Vaughn had sex with Elizabeth Moss in the limo and in doing so he passed his forehead onto her and that doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it happened, folks.

Photobucket

I don’t know her name, but I do know she’s on Glee. I also know she’s cute as a button. Yes, she is. Just look at how cute you are. Yesh, you are the pwettiest pwincess. Oh you are just so cute. Just a cutie pie. Just the cutiest cutie pie. I want to eat you up. Yesh, I do. You’re so cute and sweet, you would give me a toothache, am I right? Because you’re so cute. Cutie cutie cutie. I’m imagining myself talking in a voice as if I was talking to a puppy. Nevertheless, she is adorable.

Photobucket

A lot of people were hating on Katie Holmes. I don’t really get it. Yeah, her hair is up in a bun or whatever, but seriously… weren’t we all expecting that Katie Holmes was going to show up in some Communist gray napsack with an 1000 yard stare holding a copy of Dianetics while Tom Cruise road around on his hover board screaming about the salvation of our souls from the alien overlords? I know I was. In reality, Katie’s wearing a blue dress that obscures her feet like everyone else and she looks about 6’10” in this dress and she still has a nice set of boobs on her and she looks cute and her hair is in a bun. Great. Way to freak out internet. Her hair is in a bun?! WHAT?!

Photobucket

I always forget this woman’s name. It’s Rachel Harris and I’ve always found her to be sexually attractive. I know. I’m fine with it. I think everyone should be on board as well. She is a pretty distinguished lady and it might be the glasses, but I like her and one day we will be awkwardly married on a mountain with The Decemberists playing and Sufjan Stevens will be the presiding justice of the peace to officiate the wedding. I bet she looks great in a man’s dress shirt and nothing else solving a New York Times crossword puzzle while drinking a cup of fair trade coffee and has looked great doing that for the past 20 years.

Photobucket

I know this is Shaun Robinson. I believe this is Shaun Robinson, I should say. I don’t know who Shaun Robinson is though. That’s the question pretty young lady – who are you? Not your name because seemingly I have that… but who are you really? On the inside? On the inside of that dress that looks like it would be an amazing set of drapes and/or a great design for a high priced card at Papyrus. Yes. Who are you really? On the inside, where it counts the most? Hmmmm… Answer me! Oh I’m talking to a picture again. That happens. Anyway, whomever Shaun Robinson is on the inside… she’s pretty and has a glowing smile on the outside, which actually matters much more when you’re on TV.

Photobucket

Hey, everybody! Remember Blossom? I’m Blossom! Yeah! Isn’t that funny? I am on The Big Bang Theory, but who the fuck watches that show? I don’t know! Hahahahah… it’s been nice chatting with you. Bye!

Photobucket

EAT SOMETHING!!!!! But please make sure it is not human. I have a feeling there’s like a 50% chance it could be human. Couldn’t you picture her jumping on some unsuspecting usher’s back and then biting them in the throat and then begin feeding on their humanly nectar, which noticeably fills out her sunken chest and thin arms. Then after that, she drops the lifeless body to the ground, wipes the blood away and in a single leap she jumps to the top of the Los Angelese Staples Center and runs off into the night to feast on human’s on the next full moon.

Photobucket

I won’t even attempt to spell her name, but we know who she is. She doesn’t have feet. She also looks like her dress was inspired by maybe an elegant toothbrush holder in someone’s bathroom. Also, white?! After Labor day?! WHAT THE FUCK COUNTRY DO YOU LIVE IN?!

Photobucket

Helloooo there. I don’t know who you are either, but I think the too of us would have a wonderful evening of fine steaks and cocktails in the city before engaging in some international affairs in our pricey hotel bedroom. I would be so psyched if I was a man like Richard Gere was in Pretty Woman, a man who had sex with high class prostitutes, and this woman showed up to my hotel room. Oh thank you lord for making my prostitute wishes come true!

Photobucket

Julie Bowen is the white equivalent of Stacey Dash. The two of them are going to be the most crazy fuckable 80 year old women EVER! Do they know they’re supposed to age? Julie – you’re supposed to get not necessarily worse looking, but you’re not supposed to get like better looking. It’s as if Bowen and Dash’s sexiness gets compounded every year. Either way, I hope there is some college science program out there that is studying their blood, DNA and so forth so we can not only live forever, but look gorgeous doing it.

Photobucket

Did you notice my red… BOOBS?! You know. Seriously, the greatest gift God could ever bestow on any human being (age, sex, religion, sexual preference) is to meet Christina Hendricks and trip and fall face first right into her boobs. Honestly, what would be better than that? Nothing. It would be SENSATIONAL! That creepy freak of a husband of hers better do that every night. Every night Christina and I would play a roleplaying scenario where I would trip and fall face first into her boobs. Maybe every hour. Also, I would never use a single pillow in my house. I would simply sleep on her boobs. At the same time, I fear that cleavage is the whitest white to ever white. She’s even whiter than Fake-Rob in those stupid Twilight movies. I fear that if you start staring into her cleavage and if any light reflects off of those enormous boobs than that light will be magnified exponentially and burn out your retinas leaving you blind forever. Although, your last image is of her boobs, so that’s pretty good.

Photobucket

Love her. I love Taraji P. Henson and, yes, I say her full name – every time. Did you know she was 41? 41?! You are sexy as hell, Taraji P. Henson. She’s on that Julie Bowen/Stacy Dash lifestyle of just being crazy hot and not aging at all. I mean Hustle and Flow was from 6 years ago and also she had a kid like 17 years ago and it’s just baffling to me. Lady you have the best genes ever. Oh you’re so pretty. And you’re dress makes me think I’m looking at you naked, but I’m not, but then if I tilt my head maybe I am. Oh you play these games with me, Taraji P. Henson! You and I will explore space together and I will name a planet after you.

Photobucket

This is Cat Deeley. I think she’s British. People seem to love her. You are a pretty lady. I don’t know who you are or what you do, but others have accepted you, so I shall as well. Welcome, Cat. Her hair and purse suggest she’s been chasing Michael Douglas through the jungles of Colombia… Romancing the Stone, am I right?! Come on people! Ok. She’s pretty. I don’t know what else to say.

Photobucket

BOOM! Nancy O’Dell motherfuckers! What?! What’s my name, bitches? It’s Nancy MOTHERFUCKING O’Dell. Get off me. Get your bitch asses off me. Back the fuck up off the O’Dellinator! This is Nancy O’Dell’s town, bitch. That’s right, so back the fuck up. Back it up! If you don’t back up right now, motherfucker, then Nancy is going to start clapping! And when Nancy starts clapping then motherfuckers take dirt naps! Get to it, bitches. Back it up!

I don’t know where that came from, but Nancy O’Dell is laying the law down in this dress.

Photobucket

Hello, Olivia. I still love you. I know much of the nerdy fanboy interneters have abandoned you, but I’m still here. I’m still carrying the torch. I’m like Muhammad Ali at the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympic games holding that torch for you, babe. Just inspiring a nation, a planet, and a people with this torch. I hope someone puts you in a movie or a TV show and they actually let you be funny like you were on Attack of the Show and be crazy sexy too. Of course, I think you are playing a stripper or something in that stripper movie that I think Steven Soderbergh is making, which is cool… but really? Name a stripper movie that was actually good? It’s fun seeing you actresses strip, but they’re usually not good movies.

Photobucket

Hey it’s Diane Argon. Remeber those shitty pictures that I showed of you on this website. I’m sorry about that. You look much better here, but you look much much better in I Am Number Four.

Photobucket

Looking great, Kate. Probably the most talented woman mentioned so far. Also, if I could be crude for a second – Kate has been showing off her boobs a lot recently. At all these awards shows and film festivals, Kate’s been showing off her girls and I would like to thank you personally for it. Kate also gets naked fairly regularly in movies too, which is cool because she’s about the best actress out there, she’s good looking and then she’s like why not go the whole nine yards and let you take a peak at my boobs. I’m thinking a medal of honor is in her future.

Photobucket

I like it. I would also be completely cool if I stayed at an upscale modern hotel and that was hung on my wall. It’s not really a dress as much as it is a wall design for a trendy martini bar.

Photobucket

Looking great, Rashida. Did you ladies know that Rashida Jones is one of the most beloved ladies on all of the internet? It’s true. Dudes love her. Sincerely. I get it. I’m just giving you the facts. I wouldn’t say a negative word about Rashida or critique a single thing she does ever because I am one of those internet guys who imagines a world where Rashida and I go to farmer’s markets and buy too many pumpkins just because we’re feeling so whimsical in the fall air.

Photobucket

Kind of looks a little Jackson Pollacky, but she’s so funny and pretty and cute that only a real asshole would say something negative about Ellie Kemper. The Office is coming back soon too. I will miss her interactions with Steve Carell. I hope they got some good stuff lined up with her and James Spader.

Photobucket

How many cougar movies or TV shows is Jane Krakowski going to star in once 30 Rock meets its end? Like a million, right? Like a million and one. Or is she going back to Broadway to never be seen of again. Or is she going to just make a TV and film career out of having sex with or trying to have sex with men who are half her age. I’m just saying that’s what I see in the cards for her. One or the other or both. Right?

Photobucket

Kelly MacDonald is prettier than this picture. It’s like a really elegant Amish dress and then they forgot about her face/head/hair after the got the dress on her. What the hell, Kelly? I’ve seen your movies. I’ve seen you in your movies and you look crazy good in them. Is this like a protest you’re having? A silent political statement you’re making? Is this about social injustice in China? I don’t know why you would rob the world of all of your good looks, but last night you did. I hope you see fit to lets us see them next time. The world deserves it.

Photobucket

NO FEET! It’s like Melissa McCarthy is just hovering. Hovering over the Earth with no feet. Why don’t you have feet?! But she does have a pocket. I almost think Melissa is gloating with her pocket. You other bitches don’t have a pocket, but I do. I also have this other thing called…. an… EMMY!!!!! I saw she won an Emmy for best actress in a comedy for Mike & Molly. I’ve never seen the show and never will, but good for her, right? I mean why not. She was funny in Bridemaids. And I feel no shame in admitting it, but I’ve seen I think every episode of Gilmore Girls, which Melissa was in and I enjoyed her in. Good for you, Melissa.

Photobucket

Usually, I think Sarah Hyland looks hot. Last night, she looked like an elongated version of a girl from Toddlers & Tiaras. I don’t get it. I’ve seen pictures of Sarah Hyland walking around LA going to an ATM in yoga pants and a t-shirt and she looks great, but they spend a fortune on dressing her up and she’s creeping me out. That goes for most of Hollywood too. Any picture I’ve seen of a chick leaving the gym and trying to make it back to her car before the paparazzi see her looks 100x sexier than any picture of them on an award show red carpet.

Photobucket

Fuck. Who is this? Whoever this is, I think she would have been much better served competing against Miss Uganda in the Miss Universe pageant than having her on whatever shitty TV show she must be on. Seriously, this girl is model hot and … HAS NO FEET! She has like a moving base of operations it looks like below her knees.

Photobucket

Yes. Evan Rachel Wood. Great actress and very attractive and is on a TV show I hate. Why can’t True Blood just end? Then Ms. Wood can go back to appearing in movies hopefully. Also, Evan looks like a crazy expensive Pretty Woman. What are we saying like easily $20,000 a night. That’s my guess. I solid Volkswagen Jetta amount of money a night to take her out to dinner to show off and then defile in some expensive hotel later. Too much? Too little? Thoughts?

Photobucket

VAMPIRES!!!!! RUNNNNN!!!!! THEY’RE REAL!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

I had to throw Michael Pitt in here just because he is officially a vampire and this is the woman that he has been feeding on and subsequently turned into a vampire as well. There is one other dude in this long long long list of pictures… but it’s a good one… the best one actual.

Photobucket

FUCK! I have had a thing for Connie Britton for a while and like Julie Bowen, Stacey Dash, and Taraji P. Henson she never stops looking amazing. There are/were a ton of amazing looking chicks in both the Friday Night Lights movie and TV show and I would say arguably the best looking one is Connie and she’s battling chicks half her age. She was way too good looking of a wife for Billy Bob and she was way too good looking of a wife for fake-Billy Bob aka Kyle Chandler. She’s just bringing it. Just bam! Maybe Connie Britton should play Sarah Palin in something that makes fun of Sarah Palin.

Photobucket

Lena Headey is from the future or from an alien species that can mimic human appearance. She’s not from this world or at the very least this time period. She’s at least from the future. She’s an alien from the future or she’s just an evolved human from the future, but nevertheless if you could ask her for stock advice I would take it because she knows what happens for at the very least the next 300 years. Also, I read all those Game of Thrones books and I’m glad I got through them in those two months because I would have given up on them.

Photobucket

I don’t know who you are, but I’m guessing you’re a TV news reporter/anchor or something. Probably celebrity news or entertainment news, but that’s my guess. She looks like she’s a person who is used to pretending she’s happy and wide awake at 4am for no apparent reason through 8pm and giddy about “news” like Jessica Biel buying a new car or making a guest appearance on Suits.

Photobucket

Gay men would have sex with Sofia Vergara. That’s the level of hotness she’s achieved. They would do it. They know they would do it. And they’re lying to your face if they say otherwise. Know that. If you ask a gay man would you have sex with Sofia Vergara and he says “no” then he lies and he lies to your FACE!

Photobucket

Did anyone see those weird pictures she took for the interwebs of her being an abused wife? That was weird right? Anyway… I would be so psyched if that bluish creation from her waist to the floor was made of icing and was on top of a cupcake. Oh I would eat the shit out of that cupcake. As a dress? It kind of looks weird. But as a frosting design for a cupcake? GREATEST CUPCAKE EVER!

Photobucket

Aubrey Plaza is gorgeous nowadays. What did Aubrey Plaza do this summer? She got gorgeous. That’s all. Act accordingly.

Photobucket

I’m actually surprised that I can’t see Pax De La Huerta’s nipples and/or vagina. I’m also disappointed. This maybe the first time I’ve ever seen Paz De La Huerta when she’s not been fully frontal nude. I kind of hope that doesn’t become a trend. Also, who the hell is really watching Boardwalk Empire?

Photobucket

Here is Heidi Klum. She’s one of the most beautiful creatures to ever exist through the course of all existence. She’s also wearing a dress that would look better on a cupcake in my opinion. But I have to show you another picture of her and strangely enough she will not be the focus of said picture…

Photobucket

Fuck yeah! GREATEST COUPLE EVER!!!!! I love Heidi Klum, but Seal is top 5 coolest people on Earth. Him and Dave Grohl. I bet every single second you spend with Seal you feel like a million bucks. Like a $160 million bucks. Like you could buy other millionaires.

See this is a conundrum… who do I love more?

If God or zombie Jesus or Warren Buffett gave me the option between having sex with Heidi Klum or being Seal’s friend, which would I choose? I think I would choose Seal’s friendship. It would be a very difficult decision, but I can only imagine (and do often) that spending time with Seal and knowing him and having his number in my cell phone and being able to call and talk about daily events and hanging out with him and maybe going to the studio with him to hear him make another pop single would be about the most fruitful relationship I could ever been in in my entire life.

Photobucket

I don’t know you, but your hair is making me feel primal.

Photobucket

I think you’re on Friday Night Lights and you’re definitely “legal”, but you look about as old as Ariel Winter… although Ariel does have big… ummm… very womanly… ummmm… eyes(?) nowadays.

Photobucket

OH GOD!

I will never like Derek Jeter. I will never like him because he got to experience Minka Kelly and because I cannot understand a person who would give that up. Sure I get this idea like oh yeah he was done with that he got all of that… and it’s like yeah? But who the fuck is next? Who is Derek Jeter going to find better than Minka Kelly? Oh someone with personality and stuff? Pfffftttt… right? Like that matters. Personality? We watch movies to see people with personality, but we don’t have Minka Kelly sitting next to us while we’re doing it.

Photobucket

Oh man… so Evan Rachel Wood was Jetta expensive, right? What is this? Like a G6 jet? I could only imagine… actually strike that… I will imagine and I’ll be back later.

Oh yeah, and this Charlie’s Angels, Playboy Club and Pan Am shows will all be canceled.

I’m spent.

4 Responses to “The Ladies of the Emmys aka 50+ Women Who Look Like They’re Auditioning For “Pretty Woman 2””

  1. PWG said

    That was a whole lotta pictures. I’m spent, I think I need a cigarette. Sometimes when you have a particularly flattering or charming caption under one of these pictures I think, “We should send a link for this page to that actress.” At first they may be confused about the theme of this entire site and what their picture is doing here. I’m sure Christina Hendricks could paper the inside of her fucking house with the compliments her breasts have received over the years, but I think Rachel Harris would really appreciate this:

    “I bet she looks great in a man’s dress shirt and nothing else solving a New York Times crossword puzzle while drinking a cup of fair trade coffee and has looked great doing that for the past 20 years.”

    That’s very nice. That’s probably nicer than anything Rachel’s I-don’t-even-know-if-she-has-one husband has said to her in six months. I hope she doesn’t end up divorced over any kind of compliment gap you’ve highlighted here today. Oh my God, I can’t believe you broke up Rachel Harris’ marriage, you dick.

  2. In other Vampires Are Real news: Nicolas Cage is a Vampire . I mean, who here is really surprised? Exactly.

    Umm… all these ladies are lovely. I guess that’s expected in Hollywood and all. Aubrey Plaza and Jennifer Carpenter are my favorites. Also I have never once looked at a picture of Sofia Vergara and not muttered “fuck” under my breath.

  3. cledbo said

    Far more enjoyable than looking at the photos on my usual news website, I can tell you.

    I also don’t know like 90% of these people.

    I can’t believe I didn’t know Amy Farrah Fowler was also Blossom. I feel like I’ve let her down, as I so easily recognised Doogie Howser when he reappeared on mainstream TV. I also love that she can be so thick around the middle, and still be making a crapload of money as a TV actress. Brilliant.

    I’m off to take some more cold and flu drugs and pretend that I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. Laterz.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: