KSWI Field Trip! Kristen Stewart Wants IT takes you to CHICAGOOOO!!!

September 20, 2011


Ahhhh yes… Today, I’m getting all of you office drones out of your respective cubicles for one or two or three moments – depending on how long it takes for you to read this post. Today, I’m getting all of you mothers out of your suburbanities (suburban communities) and away from your screaming/puking/constantly pooping children for one or two or three moments. Today, I’m getting all of you… who else reads this blog? Do I have an David Thoreau types out in the wilderness with only a laptop providing you with your needed affection as you write a blog about living amongst the animals and will one day be mauled to death, but a very industrious gang of raccoons? Are there any post-apocalyptic fanatics living in bunkers or Mormon 6th wives stuck in a mountain compound or foreign freedom fighters tucked away in the hills and/or jungles of some country America has forgotten about due to your lack of oil or is there a filthy rich billionaire isolated in their own castle keep reading and watching from a far becoming increasingly paranoid about what others would do to get all of their money?

Well… if you fall into any of those or multiple of those categories – I am going to take you off to Chicago on a sight seeing tour. I take a lot of pictures with my iPhone and they’re all gold obviously and I forget to post them on this God forsaken website. Today, I’m posting some. I’m posting some of the fairer city – Chicago. Enjoy…



Every time I say Chicago in my head, I picture Oprah yelling it. CHI-CAH-GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!


Kind of the same picture, but up some. This is down by the river obviously. One of the rivers. I think it is all the same river, but the river does go off into multiple directions. This is the east/west latitudinal section of the river.


Here’s a bridge that I did drugs under. I call it the drug bridge or bridge of drugs or what else would you do under this bridge besides drugs or the cops should monitor this area because it is clearly a drug bridge.


Do you ever look at the underside of a bridge and feel like it should put some clothes on and you feel like a big pervert?


Do you feel that way now?

Do you feel like you are staring at the nether regions of a naked bridge? Do you? You’re staring at its naughty bits. You’re violating it with your eyes. You’re getting an upskirt eyeful.

You’re all perverts.


That’s a cool building, right?


There’s going to be a few of them. Chicago has invested a lot in its architecture. They have approximately a crap load of skyscrapers and big buildings in general. So do a lot of cities… but Chicago has done something different and that’s make them all look pretty freaking unique.


They look like dominoes. Just a big old domino set for Godzilla to smash through.

Actually, come to think of it. Shouldn’t all of these buildings be destroyed? I mean I saw Transformers: Dark of the Moon and those Decepticons fucked up Chicago. They fucked it up! So what’s the deal? I mean two giant robot alien gangs fought a war to the death on these streets and I see no sign of it. Was it faked? Or is that how good Obama is? OBAMA!!!! Obama and Oprah in the same city?! Who can stop Chicago?

Oh I know what happened…. Batman. We all saw The Dark Knight and we all know now that “Gotham” is really “Chicago”. So Batman fixed everything.



The unquestionable greatest professional basketball player has opened his own steakhouse in Chicago. For awhile there, MJ didn’t own his own name for starting restaurants, which is weird and true, but now he does, so this place was brand spanking new. I love Michael Jeffrey Jordan. I have zero problem admitting that. Secondly, I love the three types of mashed potatoes that they serve at his steak joint: garlic, lobster and wild mushroom. All were amazing. The lobster mashed taters were obviously the best, but the other two were great as well. The steak was great covered in its own juices. I’d highly recommend it. Also, it had a nice beer selection and was pretty fancy.

I will repeat… I love Michael Jordan. I know he has so much money to begin with, but I would gladly give him more because he deserves it.

Now, let’s get to the buildings. These previous pictures were from me just walking around. The rest minus the last two are from the architecture boat tour, which you need to do.


Voted favorite building in Chicago by its residents. What is the building? I don’t remember, but it’s numero uno though.


See what I did there? It’s like you’re in the fucking boat with me!

I mean I’m providing you with the highest grade cell phone pictures anyone could ever ask for PLUS I’m giving you candid looking shots that make you feel like you are there. It’s like my giving never ends!


My finger kind of ate the top of the left of the picture, but that’s there on purpose… right? It’s to prove that is really me. If you blow up the picture and take the print off that thumb and run it through government big brother database then you’ll see it is really my finger.


Buildings, buildings, buildings.

That white one is the biggest volume wise in Chicago. It’s like some super max prison from space.


It also could be the Borg.

It may or may not be growing larger as it slowly eats other buildings.


Did you know that Chicago is called the “Second City” not because of its secondary status to New York City? It’s called that because this whole fucking city burned to the ground in the Chicago fire and this is the “second city” of it.

Pretty good, right? Now, you’re fucking learning and shit. It just never ends.


I don’t know exactly why, but all I want is to see Tom Cruise repel down the side of this thing while fighting some gang of future terrorists all in black jumpsuits.


That would be a good movie.

Tom Cruise fighting terrorists from the future while running around Chicago. I’d see it. I’d rather see that than the book adaptation that he’s doing, which is apparently tearing up the people who read those books brains.




I mean – you’re in the fucking boat with me.

Like right there on the port side or bow side or whatever side they call the side that’s left if you’re facing forward. Just say that. I hate this BS that we can’t say left and right on a boat. Boat people are arrogant pricks. Seriously?! The front of the boat is front. The back is the back. And the left is the left side if you’re facing the front and the right is the right side if you’re facing the front. I can’t think of a single other piece of machinery or situation where you don’t establish shit in that way. Boat people – I’m shaking my head at you.


Yeah, that’s the Sears Tower, which is not the Sears Tower anymore. It’s called the Willis Tower now, but seriously whoever “Willis” is – he can go fuck himself.

They tried this shit with the dinosaurs and then they tried telling us Pluto wasn’t a planet. Go fuck yourselves. Pluto is a planet and it stays that way until your naysaying ass takes me there and shows me why it isn’t one. Secondly, those dinosaurs names stay the same because guess what – they’re dead. They’re so fucking dead it’s disturbing how dead they are. They’re all dead and possibly turned into birds. I don’t know. That’s what Steven Spielberg and Sam Neil were trying to push on me as a child and I’m not sure what truth value there is in it, but those bitches are dead, so there’s no point in renaming them.


It’s like I’m a professional photographer.

Just point and shoot. What’s so difficult?



Also, Chicago is apparently no more windy than any other city. Supposedly, from what I was told by my loquacious river boat guide, the city is called the “Windy City” for how arrogantly loquacious the Chicago people are about their city. It was a jab about how people of Chicago never shut up about Chicago and how full of wind they are… right? Anyway, they owned it like gays and fag/queer and black people with the n-word. So good for them, right? Oh who cares.

You’re the Windy City because I think it is particularly windy there. And you’re the Second city because no one is better than you’re New York and I guess you’re in second place.





You can use that as your desktop background if you would like. Or actually any of these pictures.

Another gift from me to you.

Lastly, I wanted to share a part of the wedding I went to. The wedding featured a former roommate, the groom, and his lovely bride. The groom was roommates with Dawgz and I in Hoboken and he had met his bride earlier in life, but they reconnected and began going out again while we were living together in Hoboken. Good times.

The Bride and Groom had separate cakes. The Bride’s was very wedding cake like. Meanwhile, the Groom’s was very unique…


Yep. That’s a big ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich.


It was big.

Did I try it? I didn’t unfortunately because I was too busy drinking alcohol, but I also don’t like PB&J sandwiches. I love peanut butter, but not the jelly. But I may have ate the jelly just to see how much this tasted like a PB&J sandwich. It apparently did just taste like one big ass PB&J.

It looked great though.

And now I return you back to your daily lives. Until tomorrow I suppose.

Have a lovely 24 hours.



3 Responses to “KSWI Field Trip! Kristen Stewart Wants IT takes you to CHICAGOOOO!!!”

  1. Waitaminute… Did you go all the way to Chicago and not even go to Millennium Park to take deformed pictures of yourself in The Bean?!

    I just realized that I haven’t been on any sort of a vacation in over a year. That is beyond depressing.

  2. tiffanized said

    I am wiped out by that big PB&J. I mean, the feats of architecture and that fleeting moment when I really thought I was in a boat with you looking at Chicago, those were great. But that goddamn cake. I have a reputation for making weird cakes myself (see: sparklepeen cake that absolutely did not taste like peen), but I’ve never attempted a giant sandwich. I will be baking all weekend.

  3. Nix said

    Love the tour, thanks. Also, I would watch Tom Cruise repel down the side of that building, but only if he didn’t have any actually repelling equipment. In fact I would pay to watch that. Love the pics, love the PB&J cake. Glad you had fun and drunky drinks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: