Dear Whitney Cummings, Your Show Looks Awful…

September 21, 2011

Hello, Whitney or Ms. Cummings, but I will use Whitney.

Please take a seat where ever you may like. Feel free to drink any of the $8 coffee or eat any of the $10 cookies or $16 muffins that the Department of Justice has so nicely purchased for this intervention.

My name is Jordan.

In short, I am a concerned citizen.

In long, I am an active television watcher as well as a delusional writer who would one day want to write for my own TV show or movie… I guess movies with an “s”. I’m not sure about the 30 minute network TV time slot and how my particular thinking would translate, but that’s neither here nor there.

What I want to talk about is your TV show… actually, Whitney, I know you have two TV shows. You are the face and star of Whitney, which will be airing on NBC after The Office. You also wrote/created/something for another show called 2 Broke Girls. Now, that one I don’t think I’ve seen any promos or commercials for. Meanwhile, my brain has been molested by the amount of commercials played to promote your flagship show Whitney. It’s really between that and Real Steel starring Hugh Jackman and hopefully the death of his career. God damn, Hugh. God damn you!

Anyway…

I see these promos for your show a lot and there are numerous versions of these promos. Regardless of, which promo it is – I hate it. I watch these spots whether they are 30 seconds or a minute and a scrunch up my face as if I was staring at a giant bum’s asshole on screen and as if smell-o-vision was invented and I could now smell that asshole. It doesn’t smell nice. It’s very off putting.

It’s even more off putting when thinking that this is what NBC has spent money on to be funny… funny for me. Whitney, I watch The Office and Parks and Rec and Community and there’s this thing that they all have in common and that’s that they’re funny. Your show does not seem funny. I could be wrong, but unless NBC is cleverly hiding all the funny parts and is showing all the bad parts on these commercials to lower expectations, so when you leave your TV on after The Office ends and you can’t think of anything else to watch then your show comes on and BLAMO it’s funny and people are like “WHAT THE FUCK” I love life! Whitney, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Let’s look at the evidence at hand…

Errrrrr… this was the first promo I saw for your show. It’s not funny. Firstly, that’s a pretty old joke. I mean you’re like 29 years old or something and this is a joke people have been telling for awhile. I’m not saying you stole it or anything, I’m saying it’s pretty bland and unoriginal. I can’t imagine this is the type of humor that got you the TV show to begin with. As far as I know, you’re supposed to be “edgy”, right? You’re “bawdy” or whatever. Either way, this is kind of lame.

But my real concern is… who is being punished? Us the viewers. See – everything you’re saying to do in that video to do to punish your boyfriend is what you’re going to do to us the viewers who tune into the TV show. You’re going to talk and talk and talk about relationships, feelings, periods et cetera. Right? Am I wrong about that? We’re off to a bad start.

This was the second promo. You don’t understand why guys wear jerseys while watching sports? Ugh, again. Is this the type of comedy stylings of Whitney Cummings that won over fans at Comedy Central Roasts? Is this “comedy” show on PAX? These are the least offensively and benign “jokes” I’ve ever heard. Plus, it’s another old joke. How many comedians have joked about people going to baseball games with gloves and so forth? It wasn’t funny when they talked about that either.

Let’s skip the jersey talk and focus on something that should have come into question in your brain after watching these two videos so far… What the fuck is up with your boyfriend, Whitney?

Is he supposed to be heroin addict or just a complete dirtbag? Is he from this time period? Like he appears to have never used a shower before, so is there a plot device in Whitney where you, Whitney, discover a wormhole in space and time and out shoots a man from the 17th Century and is not used to washing or medicine like Johnny Depp in The Libertine? Is that what this TV show is about? Also, I don’t want to sound purely superficial (the TV show promos do go there in a minute, just wait), but this boyfriend appears to be one step more evolved than the GEICO caveman, meanwhile you are an attractive female who apparently is funny enough and smart enough to earn herself two television show contracts in the span of one year. Are you slumming, Whitney? Do you not have the self confidence to go out and get a better man? Because if this needs to be a self-esteem raising meeting then I will go that root as well.

Whitney…

Oh Whitney, you’re pretty. Look at that face. You’ve got those big green eyes like emeralds or a cartoon princess that may or may not be set in Ireland. Look at those lips. Do you know what women and gay men go through to get lips like that? Big pillowy lips. And I’m not the best at this, but you look like you have great cheekbones. I hear that’s a great compliment and I’m giving that to you right now. They look good from here. I’ve also heard that you’re supposed to compliment a girl’s eyebrows. I honestly think that person was fucking with me when they said it, but I remembered it and have not done much with it until this point, but your eyebrows look nice, right? Whitney…

Oh how pretty. Your hair is down now and we’re seeing some of the body. It’s all very nice. Well done. I don’t really know what to say outside of you’re one of those attractive people that I almost find it hard to believe that you are funny. You know? Like it’s a shock to me that some of these really good looking people are funny because as we know humor comes from pain and short comings. Like Kevin Smith said he had to get funny because of how fat he was… the funny thing is that he’s really fat now, but he’s really rich, so I guess that’s why he stopped being as funny as he used to be. Anyway, that was a sidepoint. But you are one of those pretty people who probably could have just gotten by on your looks and didn’t have to worry about cultivating a sense of humor like the rest of us… us being the pig people, which I’m a member of said fraternity.

Now, you may not know how much of a catch you are in terms of getting a better suited boyfriend who is familiar with modern inventions like the shower and scissors and soap… but you do know you’re attractive enough to be hot and slutty on TV. Exhibit A:

Yeah, this is the best promo so far because you’re dressed in a slutty nurse outfit. In the other promos you tried to talk to us in non slutty outfits and what you were saying was boring. Now, what you are saying is still boring, but this time you’re showing off your legs and making it seem like you really want penis, which is more interesting. Also, your boyfriend could be mentally handicapped… cappable. He could be a retard. Is that who you want to have sex with? A retarded caveman? I mean that right there might be funnier than the TV show that I’m seeing promos for. This fall watch negligibly famous Whitney Cummings have sex with a retarded caveman… on NBC – dunh dunh dunh.

There is an alternate version of this promo where you not only dress up as a slutty nurse, but a slutty cop and a slutty something else. I guess what I’m wondering is, how much is this show revolving around you being slutty? At some point, you have to wonder if your boyfriend is gay? Right? I mean you’re attractive, and you have a personality, and you keep throwing your pussy at your boyfriend’s wang and he doesn’t seem into it. He could be a gay retarded caveman. I’ve seen crazier things happen. Things like NBC producing this TV show and putting it on the air even though it looks uncomfortably horrible.

The sluttiest doesn’t end…

Whitney can’t keep it in her pants. She’s always trying to get something stuck in her, but it’s always at the wrong times. Whacky! And are we seriously saying that the gay retarded caveman boyfriend knows how to use Skype? That’s complete bullshit right there. If he can’t operate a bar of soap then the webcam is definitely beyond him.

In conclusion, Whitney, I think your show sucks. I haven’t watched it yet, but I would be crazy surprised if I was wrong about this. These commercials are horrible. Truly horrible. I have no idea what the point of this TV show is, but it seems like really well worn territory and will be canceled. I hope your 2 Broke Girls starring Kat Dennings is better. Actually, I hope it’s similar to this Whitney show where you just make Kat like really slutty and that’s the premise. Oh God, yes I would like to see Kat Dennings as a slutty nurse, slutty cop and slutty whatever. Hmmm… that conclusion kind of got off track there.

Anyway, the internet provided me/us basically what I’m going for…

Well done, internet. Now, that’s comedy.

Thank you for your time, Whitney.

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12 Responses to “Dear Whitney Cummings, Your Show Looks Awful…”

  1. Eyebrows? Yeah, that person was fucking with you. If you want to focus on my eyes or lips, sure. But if a dude complimented my eyebrows I would assume he’s probably crazy anal. In the “ew, he pays too much attention to weird particular things so it’s only a matter of time before he finds some little thing he hates” anal way, or maybe even the “maybe he uses emoticons and likes it in the butt” anal way. You could just cover all your bases and go for the generic “you look pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/nice/not like shit for a change”. We girls will get pretty melty over that shit usually.

    Most of these previews paint her as bitchy and difficult. Oh, and not funny. So…why would I watch this? I can’t even get off on the sexy nurse thing.

    • Roni said

      Whitney’s promo commercial is horrible. STD,s at 26 compared to 3.7 million for somebody elses deal,who really thinks that is funny?Legs spread apart at the end with the mic popped up in the middle of the desk, suggesting what???? . Who are you??? What a turn off.

  2. KFP said

    Show sucked BIG TIME!

  3. mickrussom said

    Whitney’s sitcom was awful and disappointing.

  4. mark a said

    Idiots!!! The show was very good.

  5. Whitney's mom said

    This show was a piece of sh*t

  6. John said

    I don’t have to watch the show to know that it blows big ball sacks.

  7. Anthony said

    The best show on TV! wtf are u all on crack?

  8. Fregga said

    Her ~big pillowy lips~ ARE the result of plastic surgery though, you fucking idiot. Classic trout pout.

  9. miranda said

    I don’t mind Skittles, it doesn’t mean I think they’re something we should all eat for dinner. Skittles: The best food available!! Actually, it’s lazy food that’s bad for you, and the people who eat it all the time are idiots who don’t realize that there is much, much better food available at comparable prices. Enjoy Whitney if you can, but keep in mind that it’s only good to you because you aren’t smart enough to understand the jokes on better shows.

  10. Stelth said

    Shitney is the worst. I also think she is ugly; like the product of a sexual union between Mackenzie Phillips and a horse. (a really ugly horse)

  11. yankee 3 said

    id bang her once in the shower, once in the ass, and twice on the wall

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