What Was Kristen Stewart Thinking During London Fashion Week?

September 22, 2011

You may be asking yourself a question and the answer is “yes”.

I can read Kristen Stewart’s mind.

I think I have proven as much on this website already, but today will be another example of my mind reading powers. It’s not bending or altering, just simply reading. Also, it is quite impressive due to Kristen Stewart not needing to be present for it to happen. I can simply look at a picture or a video clip and whether it was 10 seconds ago, 10 days ago or 10 years ago- I can read her MIND!

Surprisingly enough, this mind hold I have on the Wantess extends to others, especially others who are in the general vicinity of Kristen Stewart. I have about a 5 yard radius to work with. It’s like a net. A net of mind reading abilities that always ensnares Kristen Stewart’s brain waves, but any and all who have ventured to closely to the chosen vessel of Want.

I stumbled across the internet this morning with my morning coffee and Pitbull’s “Rain Over Me” on repeat in my head. Try to get that song out of your head. It will defeat you. Also, for a moment let me add that Pitbull has transformed himself into more or less a Las Vegas lounge act with a flare of sweet Cuban memories… or I guess Puerto Rican ones or maybe even more so simply Miami’s South Beach ones… nevertheless, Pitbull is becoming a Hispanic Tom Jones and God bless him for it.

Anyway, I found these pictures of Kristen Stewart at Mulberry Spring/Summer 2012 – London Fashion Week – show or at least that’s how the website labeled them. I will not only tell you want Kristen Stewart was thinking at this exact moment, but I will tell you what the other people around her were also thinking.

Are you ready? Ready for the mind probing action? Ready for probing… probingPROBING… begin!

Kristen Stewart (KS): I want IT.

Actually, to hear her say it in my head – it’s very warm sounding. Like a “welcome to my house” kind of statement to people who you are actually happy they are in your house as opposed to most of the people who you want to leave your house and never come back. “I want IT” as in “God bless you and your travels to have arrived here to take another photo of me wanting IT.”

The ranch hand is Kate Moss, correct? Dapper Denim Dan. The funny thing is that if she wore that outfit minus the hat I wouldn’t think anything of it. It’s really the hat that sells it.

Kate Moss (KM): Howdy! I learned that in America once. “Howdy”? I love you, Americans. I love America and I love denim and I love cocaine. I am wearing denim, I’m speaking American – Howdy, and I’ve already ingested about 2/3’s of my daily cocaine allotment. So… Howdy… cocaine.

KS: Hahahahah… I want IT.

KM: Hahahahah… I love cocaine and denim. I actually can’t hear whatever the joke was that the announcer made because my brain is completely whacked out on cocaine… and denim… but I can see everyone else is laughing, so I’ll laugh. Plus I don’t have the best sense of humor. It wasn’t always this way, but once you smoke crack in a bus station toilet with Pete Doherty and then you give him a BJ in that same filthy bus station toilet and your face is also on the cover of Vogue that same day – you kind of lose a piece of everyday sense of humor. Also, Pete hadn’t showered in a year up until that point I would guess.

I don’t know who any of these other people are. I will now read the minds of everyone on the same pink bench that Kristen Stewart is sitting on. From left to right.

Random chick (RC) – Kate Moss sure talks a lot about cocaine. And denim. She loves it. She also can’t stop saying Howdy. Who would ever guess that Kate Moss said Howdy? The cocaine thing I expected.

Vampyre (V) – Cocaine? How pedestrian. Where can I find some human blood to feast on? And all of this denim is so tacky. It’s like I’m conversing with a cocained out Buffalo Bill.

KM – If I could snort you up my nose I would.

KS – I want IT.

Blonde Chick (BC) – What a lovely day? We are all just pretty and fashionable ladies sitting on a bench and we have expensive shoes and we’re looking at clothes. I mean this is just the greatest. Just truly the greatest day. I don’t know how this could get any better. Maybe if I let myself eat. I bet eating would be nice. No! What am I saying? Dresses is all I need. Dresses and fashion are all the nutrition I need. Yeah! Pretty! Shiny!

Brunette Lady (BL) – Oh that’s nice. She looks good. I would look better up there, but she looks fine. I mean I would look better up there and wearing that, but no one called me to do it. They have my number, I know they have my number, so I maybe they had already booked this sour puss looking bitch and she was such a bitch about it that they didn’t call me. That’s probably it. But I would look better, bitch.

Crazy Eyes (CE) – I did way too much cocaine with Kate Moss. I think I’m seeing ghosts!

RC – I think I may have pooped my pants a little. Why did I do that? Damn it!

V – I would use ether first. Knock them out with ether. Then I could take my time drawing the blood. Oh how delectable it would be to have a nice fresh glass of blood in a martini glass right now.

KM – She said no before and that was only 30 seconds ago, but I wonder if Kristen Stewart is now ready to do cocaine with me in the dressing room.

KS – I want IT.

BC – I have completely forgotten what sugar tastes like. Not just sugar, but sweetness in general. Hunh… what does sweet taste like? Maybe I’ll never know, but boy those shoes are nice.

BL – I hate this bitch. I hate all these bitches, but I hate this one the most. She looks so smug. If she looks this way one more time I will cut her in the parking lot.

CE – If only I wasn’t on so much cocaine I would know how to use this and call for help.

KM – Do you think cocaine thinks of me as much as I think of it? Oh my dearest cocaine, how I have loved thee and snorted thee.

KS – *sigh* I want IT.

RC – Do you think anyone can smell it yet? The smell of the poop in my fancy underpants? Oh why do I get such a delicious pleasure of pooping myself at these fancy fashion events? It’s so wrong, but it feels oh so right!

V – The smell of poop sure takes me back. That first human I cornered in an alley way those 200 years ago. I was 18 at the time and didn’t know much about the world. I did know I thirsted for human blood. I never knew it would lead to an immortality. That old gambling fool who had drunk too much and wondered into that alley way. He was going to relieve himself in that alley and half way through it – I struck from the shadows. To really think of it, I think the best technological advancement is the modern plumbing system. It was really lawless before just shitting and pissing where ever you wanted. Quite foul indeed.

KM – You! You taking pictures! You with the camera! Give me cocaine!!!!

KS – I want IT.

BC – Cheese. Cheese? It’s not “chay-zuh”. It’s “chee-zuh”. I have to remind myself. I haven’t had it in so long that I forget how to pronounce it. You feel stupid when you can’t pronounce simple words like that. I hate feeling stupid, but I really just hate myself and the 18 calories a day I allow myself to eat.

BL – Sofia Vergara. It’s really down to her and I. Most beautiful women in the world I think. I’ve already set my plan into motion to get “rid” of her. Soon. SOON!

RC – Whoops. It’s running down my leg now. I think I over did it. I really shouldn’t have ate that second serving of caviar or that Taco Bell.

V – Ok, it’s getting a little nauseating, now. Before it was a hint of smell and not it’s like I’m being ambushed from all sides by the smell. I think I’m going to vomit.

KM – I think I did cocaine in the rafters of this place.

KS – I want IT.

V – Who would really notice if I ate one of these models? It’s not like we know any of their names or where they came from. They all look about the same anyway. It’s not even that good of a meal though. They’re all skin and bones and filled with cocaine. That’s why I’ve never touched Kate all these years. It simply wouldn’t be worth it. I wish Star Jones was here. She would be worth it. Big juicy Star Jones. I personally cannot stand her, but she would be a scrumptious dinner. Where in the world are you, Star Jones?

KM – I don’t think I’ve done cocaine for 55 minutes now. This may be a record.

KS – Fashion is boring. But I want IT.

BC – I don’t even think I could pick a chimichonga out of a line-up or a burrito for that matter. A burrito? I hear people say it, but after all these years and hypnosis treatments and xanax, I don’t think I have the slightest clue what a burrito is. I want one though. What?! Who said that?! I didn’t say that out loud did I? Oh, good I think I just said it in my head. In my head, where I think of foods or really the mere concept of them. It’s just been so long.

BL – I like this one, she’s much less attractive than me and I can see from here I could dominate her. I smell her fear.

V – Human blood.

KM – Cocaine.

KS – What’s that on the floor? Is that a penny? No, it couldn’t be a penny. I’m in London. Why would a penny be on the floor in London? Especially this place. I can’t imagine any of these people have actually handled real money in years. Plus it wouldn’t be a penny. They wouldn’t have loose change on them. Most of them don’t even have pockets. If they even paid for things themselves they would probably use a credit card. I imagine most of them assistants who do all the paying for things and budgeting. They don’t seem like the people who could or would handle money let alone a penny. What’s England’s version of a penny? They’re on the Euro, right? Is that still going on? I really can’t remember. I know Rob talks about these things, but most of the time I wish he wouldn’t. Also, I have trouble understanding him when he slips into his real British talk. All slang and it sounds nonsensical. It’s so much nicer when he’s just playing his guitar aimlessly and humming to himself. Then we take his dog “Bear” for a walk and I like that. But don’t get him started on England’s politics. He turns into a loon. Yelling about David Cameron and I don’t know who that is. Ugh, and whenever he gets into one of those tirades he feels it necessary to watch British Parliament clips on youtube and comment on them. It goes on like that for a couple days and then he forgets all about it until next time. It was such an annoying week after we saw “Attack the Block”. I really shouldn’t have suggested seeing that movie. Afterward, everything was about the East End and about the economy and the suffering middle class while he smoked pot and ate room service. It was hypocritical, but more so it was just like, “could we watch The Walking Dead, because the second season is starting soon and we still haven’t seen all of the first season?” But he wanted to watch the BBC news. So, that can’t be a penny. But I want IT.

V – The woman on the cell phone. I will eat her.

KM – I wonder if that woman on the cell phone will do cocaine with me in the bathroom.

KS – I want IT. Whatever it is that the woman with the cell phone has I want IT.

BC – I bet the woman with the cell phone knows what sweetness tastes like and how to pronounce “cheese” because she says it and eats it and she probably knows what a burrito looks like, feels like in her hands, her mouth, on her tongue, in her stomach.

BL – This bitch fooling with her cell phone. How low can you go? Using a prop to get attention. It’s pathetic.

CE – The ghosts! They’re back!

Cell phone Lady (CL) – Do I have a phone number for a taxi to get me the hell out of this boring ass place?

And finally…

KM – Howdy! They just love that phrase in America, right? I really don’t remember much of America because of the cocaine. I really don’t remember much of anything except for the cocaine. But I remember the cocaine and that’s all that matters. I actually have lined this entire outfit with cocaine. It’s been secretly seeping into my pores this entire time. COCAINE!

KS – I want IT.

BC – I’m dead inside.

BL – Who do you think you’re looking at, bitch? I run this town. Every town. You better not taking a picture of me blinking or I will burn your house down with you locked inside.

CE – Once you get used to them, seeing ghosts really isn’t that bad. They’re sort of pretty. I really don’t think this cocaine will ever wear off. This is my life now. Seeing ghosts. Ooooooohhhhh. That was my ghost call.

CL – One more glass of champagne and then I’m out of here. I wonder if I can score some cocaine from Kate Moss first and why does it smell like poop in here?

There you go, folks.

You’re welcome.

Questions for Friday?


5 Responses to “What Was Kristen Stewart Thinking During London Fashion Week?”

  1. Nix said

    You are so weird.

    That was good entertainment right there, & I chuckled (yes chuckled) almost continuously throughout.

    So thanks. Also, you are weird.

    In a good way.

  2. cledbo said

    I didn’t know any of those people either, which is highly unusual for me and my pointless trivia-filled brain.

    You sir are like a superhero. Or villain, depending on the time of day, I imagine. Like, your alter ego is the supervillain, where you are normally a superhero to us, writing to us about the Want and other funny things, and then you turn all villainy at night while you drink beer and watch near-naked men wrestle in a multisided and poorly names ‘ring’.

    That’s all I got.

  3. Wow man said

    You either do a lot of coke yourself, or you are just a dementedly funny person… either way this was entertaining Lol 😉

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