KSWI Teaches You How To Raise Your Insufferable Baby

September 27, 2011

Hello there.

Today, you will receive some advice on how to properly rear the evil offspring you recently pooped out of yourself.

Where did you poop that baby out? I hope a hospital. That’s where any and all activities that involve blood or human guts should take place. If the word “placenta” is involved in whatever you are doing then you should be at a hospital or you should have a hospital staff with you because there is no hospital because you’re in the foothills of Ecuador and you can’t find a hospital, but you found a staff to kind of jerry-rig one.

I don’t think you should poop your baby out in your bath tub. Especially, if it is your bath tub. It actually might make a hilarious prank to have a water birth in a bath tub at your friend’s house and they were not consulted before hand. That would be a high-lair-ee-yus prank. Or a motel. Weird stuff happens at motels. Prostitutes, meth labs, sleep, and, maybe, water births. This is what I’m saying – you will never want to step foot ever again in the room that that water birth happened in. It would be like revisiting the scene of an axe murder and taking a shower there. You know that would be weird.

Anyway, we’re not here to talk about the birth… we’re here to talk about the demon child and what you do with it now that it is alive and crying all the time.

First thing first:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/14-most-outdated-pieces-of-baby-advice-2554194/

This is the article I’m stealing all this information from. Yes, stealing. But I’ll certainly add to it. I will add my humor to it.

The article was written by Amanda First.

This article appears on Shine, which is the women’s yahoo site. I actually have enjoyed a few articles from Shine. I’m just saying I really like those articles where you take a chick and you have someone who is not that chick choose the clothes that the original chick has to wear for a week and then we discuss it. I wish one of those articles came out on the hour everyday and I would never get any work done ever. Her dad has her wearing her prom dress out to the bar with her friends?! That is rich. Why does she even still have her prom dress? And she still fits in it. That is rich and enjoyable.

Anyway…

The original material will be in italics and/or bold italics. My thoughts will be in standard stuff – ok?

Now…

BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

Myth: Infants need to be bathed every day.
The truth: Babies don’t get stinky from sweat the way adults do, so they only need a bath every two or three days (except following a major diaper explosion!). If it’s part of your wind-down routine, a daily bath is perfectly okay too–just moisturize afterwards.

Stupid adults! Getting all “stinky” from “sweat”. Well, maybe this adult’s sweat stinks because there’s booze in it. Yeah, I had a few last night. And by few I mean a little less than 10. Like 1 less. Whatever, 9 drinks on a weeknight. It was Monday Night Football after all. Sure, I’m not a Redskins or Cowboys fan, but it is the spirit of the game to be debilitatingly drunk while watching it. It’s more American that way. So, the baby’s sweat doesn’t smell? Well, you know what does smell any and all “diaper explosions”. I don’t think we need a “major” one to warrant cleaning this baby up. The baby is sitting in its own filth at all times in my opinion, so wash the thing regularly. Also, I’m not on board with all this moisturizing of the baby – that just makes for one slippery baby. If anything, you want to add traction to that kid, so you never drop it. Make put some sticky double sided grip tape on its back. Just throwing that out there. Use it. Have fun with it. NEXT!!!

Myth: Babies sleep best in a room that’s silent and dark.
The truth: While some children really are light sleepers, most do fine with background noise and a little light. Plus, if your little one gets used to some activity around him when he’s sleeping, he’ll be more willing to snooze in a variety of situations.

What’s with all these “he’s”. Geez, Shine! Talk about sexism. What was this written in turn of the century China? Did General Mao Zedong write this article? Pfffttt…

Anyway, I’m having my kid sleep in a room with a combination of air raid sirens, Black Label Society and barking dogs. I’m training this kid to sleep through anything. If the kid can catch a few winks during that then maybe just maybe I’ll take the kid out of the house. I will say this to all of you FBI/Interpol people out there reading this website, if I procreate you should expect a high spike in copyright infringement and illegal downloading of movies. I hate seeing kids at an R movie or PG-13 or really any movie, so I will not keep that horrible cycle going unless I know for a FACT that the kid will not cry at any moment during the movie.

Myth: When infants are running a high temperature, rub them down with alcohol to lower their fever.
The truth: Rubbing your baby with alcohol won’t actually bring down her fever–plus it’s unsafe, since alcohol can be absorbed through her skin.

Alcohol rubs – I know them well. This was taught to people to do like early 20th century and before. People were told not to do this starting in like the 70’s. Nevertheless, my education/teachers were from a distant past and I was actually taught this as good information in my biology class in middle school. So, you should never rub your baby down with alcohol ever … well, maybe if you developed some circus trick that involves a baby covered… let’s just nix that altogether. Anyway, don’t rub your baby down with alcohol when it has a fever, but feel free to rub yourself down with alcohol when your baby has a fever to help drown out the baby’s annoying crying.

Myth: Letting your little one stand or bounce in your lap can cause bowlegs later on.
The truth: He won’t become bowlegged; that’s just an old wives’ tale. Moreover, young babies are learning how to bear weight on their legs and find their center of gravity, so letting your child stand or bounce is both fun and developmentally stimulating for him.

This piece of “information” is arguably from pre-Civil War. I bet slave owners in Virginia thought this was a little ridiculous. The kid stands on one leg for how long? A year? Yeah, the kid’s leg will be pretty messed up after that, I’m sure. But if the kid is just balancing itself on one leg for 10 seconds before it falls on its ass, which is more or less covered in a parachute full of its own poop then that won’t make the kid bowlegged. I recommend getting your kid up its feet as soon as possible. The sooner they learn to walk on their own is the sooner they can learn to walk out of your house and get a job and find their own home to live in and stop messing with your shit. AM. I. RIGHT?!

Myth: Listening to classical music will raise your baby’s IQ.
The truth: Music can enrich a little one’s life, but no conclusive research has found that having a baby listen to classical music in particular can result in significant brain-boosting benefits.

Bullshit! It works. I don’t know who these people are trying to fool, but every hour your kid spends listening to classical music as a child is another hour it doesn’t spend in jail when it turns 18. Can I get an amen?! Although, if you make the kid listen to too much classical music you’ll probably be secretly raising a serial killer. That happens too. So keep it to like two hours a day max.

Myth: Let your baby cry it out; if you pick her up whenever she’s wailing, you’ll spoil her.
The truth: Babies under 4 months of age have few self-soothing strategies; they know how to suck to soothe and like being swaddled, but that’s about it. Picking infants up when they cry helps them learn that parents will always be there to take care of them.

Crying baby? The baby is a girl? What are you trying to say Shine? Girls cry like a bunch of bitches? Is that what you’re saying? They’re a bunch of drama queens who really don’t have anything good to cry about, but cry anyway because they just want attention? Are you saying females don’t know how to control their emotions and they’re just loose cannons when it comes to when they’re going to cry because they can’t keep any of it in check? Jeez… I mean Shine. You’re saying a lot with what you’re not saying. Ya feel me?

I’m going to tell you what… if I have a girl and she cries – I’m picking her up. If I have a boy and he cries – him and I are going to watch Chuck Norris films until he stops and grows a beard. That’s what happens. As for the girl, I want her to know I’ll always be there because later in life I know my crazy daughter is going to end up in a relationship with a stupid boy or girl or both and guess what I want her coming to me when shit gets real. That’s when I take out Gravedigger. What or who is Gravedigger? Do you remember Last of the Mohicans? You remember Daniel Day Lewis’ old Indian buddy who fucked dudes up with what looked like a double thick axe-handle with no axe at the top, but there was a spike coming out of the side of it? That’s Gravedigger. Let’s just say, Gravedigger is a problem solver. As for my fictional son, well, from when he’s 6 years old I will teach him how to wield a Gravedigger of his own. After he masters the weapon (I imagine around 15), we will go on a vision quest into the Adirondacks and find two things: 1. a tree that calls out to my son that this is the wood that his own Gravedigger will be made from, and 2. the spirit guide Mahattori who is both a hallucination and the only one who knows how to properly bless a Gravedigger. We will then make the Gravedigger in the woods, Mahattori will bless it and then Son of Gravedigger will now travel with my fictional son on all his journeys in his heart, in his head and in his hand for smashing his enemies.

Myth: Babies should be woken up in the night to have a wet diaper changed.
The truth: Urine is sterile, and today’s diapers are highly absorbent, so it’s fine to leave a baby in a wet diaper overnight. However, staying in poopy diaper for too long can cause a UTI or a bladder infection, especially for baby girls–so if you smell one, change it out.

True facts. Also, a “true fact” – this kid better have poop flowing out of the diaper for me to wake it up. If that baby is sleeping soundly then fucking let it. Every other second they’re awake they cry and cry and cry and never make a quip or ask an open ended philosophical question or tell you about some book on the New York Times bestseller list that they read and is worth a look. Babies bring little to the table in that department.

Myth: It’s dangerous to immunize your infant if he has a cold or a low-grade fever.
The truth: A minor illness won’t lower your baby’s immune-system response to a vaccination–or increase his risk of any nasty reactions from a shot.

My kid is getting all the immunizations. All of them. This kid is going to be prepared for anything. If I dropped my new born in the desert in Africa it would be ready. That’s what I’m trying to get at. Pump this kid full of chemicals and sure there is a small percentage chance there might be a bad reaction, but I’m also saying there is a small percentage chance that my kid gets X-ray vision or can now harness static electricity into throwing bolts of lightning. There’s two sides to every coin.

Myth: Never apply sunscreen to an infant under 6 months of age.
The truth: The risk of skin cancer down the road from sun exposure is greater than the risk of your baby having a reaction to sunscreen. It’s best to keep her away from dangerous UV rays as much as possible from 10 A.M. to 4 P.M., but put on sunscreen with at least 15 SPF if she’ll be in the sun. The AAP says that it’s fine to apply a minimal amount of sunscreen to small areas, such as a baby’s face and the back of the hands.

This won’t apply to me. I barely go outside during the hours of 10am to 4pm, so what the hell is my baby doing out there? The baby will be inside. For 6 months? Yeah, that’s not tough at all. Unless this information is directed at Samoan islanders who are outside all day every day then I’m pretty sure I can hold off on the temptation of taking a new born onto the beach for sunbathing within its first 6 months of existence.

Myth: During the first month of a baby’s life, it’s critical that all baby bottles and nipples be sterilized.
The truth: Sterilize bottles and nipples when you first take them out of the package–but after that, washing with soap and water is fine. Babies are exposed to many more germs than those that remain on a well-scrubbed bottle or nipple.

Hey, honey, we’re going to have to sterilize your nipples… again. I’ve already got the vodka, so take your shirt off. Rubbing your boobs and nipples down with vodka reminds me of when we first met.

Myth: The safest way to put an infant to sleep is on her stomach.
The truth: The safest sleep position for a baby is on its back. In the past, doctors worried that babies might choke on any spit-up if they weren’t lying on their tummy or side, but studies ultimately linked these positions to higher rates of SIDS.

Screw that. My kid is sleeping in mid-air in a harness attached to bungee cables that will be suspended from every corner of the room. Basically, the kid will sleep in one of those gyroscope devices they make astronauts spin around in.

Myth: Putting rice cereal in your infant’s bottle will help him sleep.
The truth: Hold off on introducing solids until 4 to 6 months. Research suggests that babies who are given solids before 4 months are actually worse sleepers than their formula-fed counterparts–an studies have revealed a link between the early introduction of solids and obesity later in life.

All of these time tables seem pretty obvious to me. I have no concept of when the kid stops breast feeding, but the kid starts it and stays with until the kid has a full set of chompers. Who has a kid and within 4 months is already shoving solid food down its throat? The kid literally was eating through a tube in its belly 4 months earlier and now you’re cutting up pieces of flank steak for it? Daddy has a slice of apple pie, baby has a slice of apple pie.

Myth: It’s critical to keep your baby on a strict feeding schedule.
The truth: It’s better to feed on demand, as infants’ internal hunger cues will tell them when they’re hungry and when they’re full. By putting your child on a feeding schedule, you may negatively affect your little one’s inborn healthy-eating habits.

Fuck that. This kid doesn’t know shit. He eats when it makes sense. I’ve tried to just eat when I’m hungry and guess what – I’m hungry from like 10pm to 4am and that isn’t good for anyone. It’s not good for me, it’s not good for the guy work at 7-11 at 3am with me yelling at him about stale muffins. The baby will eat when the baby should eat.

Myth: Infants need hard-soled shoes to protect their delicate toes and keep their feet properly aligned.
The truth: Babies use their toes to grip the surfaces that they’re walking on, so they should actually go shoeless indoors. To keep tiny tootsies safe outside, get a shoe with a good grip on the sole–hard-soled shoes can be too slippery.

What? That’s some wild stuff. First off, your baby is basically a little monkey. A hairless monkey. Second, I’ve never heard of the hard-soled shoes bit before. Are we putting the kid in wing tips? The kid is walking around in a nice leather lace up? Shoes indoors? That’s ridiculous. Who wears shoes indoors? People who have weird negative associations with their feet do. My kid won’t be walking around like a tap dancer. From the get go, the kid will probably be wearing baby Michael Jordan high tops. That’s how I roll and that’s how the kid rolls… regardless of gender this baby is a Michael Jordan supporter.

So… now that you know all of this information on how to raise a perfect child… please don’t go out and have one unless you really can take care of it with money. Sure, love is good, but try to have money to raise it with first. You can’t buy the kid clothes with love at KMART. Ya feel me?

Werd.

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6 Responses to “KSWI Teaches You How To Raise Your Insufferable Baby”

  1. Nix said

    Oh please please PLEASE start a blog the moment your baby mama finds out she’s pregnant & keep posting on the joys of raising an insufferable baby until the kid is, like 18. No, make that 21. That’s the legal age for drinking over there right? Seems like a good cut off, although I’m sure your kid won’t worry about silly legalities.

    PLEEEEZE Jordan DO that!!!!

  2. tiffanized said

    I’m a horrible mother. I started giving my kid rice cereal in her bottle when she was a month old because she would projectile vomit up all the milk if I didn’t. I also slathered on the sunscreen and fed her peanut butter, which you’d think meant I was trying to kill her if you saw the way other mothers reacted to it. Of course they all still have to run up to the high school to wipe their helpless kids’ asses every day while my kid could probably run a Fortune 500 company on her own at 16, proving that I was right to be neglectful and reckless in raising her.

    They change the sleeping position rules every five minutes or so. When my youngest was born I had to buy a little wedge thing to keep her on her side. I’m pretty sure the idea is to make parents buy new crap from the Baby Industrial Complex every time they shit out a new kid, even if the old kid is still a baby.

    Babies ARE monkeys, only with worse hygiene. Goddam Anne Geddes has tried to fool the childfree into thinking babies are fresh smelling bundles of sleeping cute, but she never shows the aftermath of the photos where the flower pot she put the baby in is full of boogers, vomit and green feces and the kid is screaming and trying to claw its mother’s eyeballs out. PROPAGANDA.

  3. Eli said

    I love you Jordan.

  4. I’m sticking with dogs for a while. A long while.

  5. cledbo said

    Ah bebbies, and what you are and are not supposed to do them.

    You’re allowed to race them, right?

    Any male child of mine will likely have his mother’s temper and his father’s calculating brain. He may become a fascist dictator if we don’t take care with his schooling.

    Any daughter of mine will be a lady pimp man killer, preferably with her father’s height and her mother’s kick-ass rack and misappropriated sense of entitlement.

    Is it a good thing I don’t have kids yet? Hmm…

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