SHANA TOVA TO ALL THE BLESSED AND MUD PEOPLE ALIKE!!!!

September 28, 2011

That’s right!

It’s that time of year again… the beginning of it… in September!

The Jewish high holiday Rosh Hashanah starts tonight and we’ll be rocking our nuts off in the temple listening to Prince and the shofar all fueled up on hoarded cases of Four Loko, cocaine and gefilte fish. Woooooo!!!!

In reality, if that were the situation I would probably be too busy sewing glow sticks to a black and pin striped suit to write this post. As many of you know, religion is lame. It’s really a boring affair with a lot of reading, super serious a capella, people way too dressed up to be sitting on benches or fold out chairs, a lot of yawning and a lot of people telling you to act better and to stop having so much sex out of wedlock whether you are or aren’t.

Also, everyone you’re talking about has been dead for so long that it really shouldn’t even matter what they did. That sounds a little harsh, but seriously there is little to their literal existence that plays any role with today’s world just as homo erectus played little into what they were doing at their time. If we’re going to talk in vague contexts surrounding the spirit of their existence then lets update the stories a bit or use comicbook characters. I’m sure whatever lessons are taught in the Bible can also be found in the pages of a Superman comic book. Be good to others, don’t break the law, wear a condom… you know?

Anyway, the Jews of the Jewish people of Jewlandia… will be celebrating Rosh Hashanah.

In all religions you kind of do the same thing for each holiday – praise the Lord and such and feel shitty about yourself – but then there is this added gimmick for us to remember that this holiday is this as opposed to the other one.

Generally speaking, I think the Jews do a pretty good job with the gimmicks. There are a lot of Jewish holidays so they really needed to get these gimmicks aligned properly.

What is Rosh Hashanah’s gimmick?

THE SHOFAR!!!

It’s a big ass horn or actually it can be a little ass horn… either way it is supposedly a ram’s horn and they get someone to blow into it and try their best and making 4 similar sounds: tekiah, shevarim, teruah, tekiah gedolah.

The guy demonstrates them in the video. He’s ok. Nothing to write home about, you know?

That’s the other thing about the shofar… criticism. You get to criticize the shofar blower. You’re going to give him a golf clap regardless, but you’ll also give your neighbors one of those “he/she was really good this year” or “I didn’t think he/she would be that good from the look of him/her, but they were pretty good” or “last year’s shofar blower was better” or “do you remember that one shofar blower from…. ” et cetera. You can combine them or make your own, but I like it. It’s like watching preview trailers at the movies. You watch it for a minute or two and then when its over somehow you are an expert at whatever the hell it is and you make a kneejerk judgement about it. It’s like listen – you’re seeing “Real Steel”, so maybe your thoughts don’t count about whether a movie looks good or not.

The money shot of the shofar is the tekiah gedolah.

The first time they sound the shofar they do everything, but the tekiah gedolah. The tekiah is just a loud blast, the shevarim is 3 shorter blasts one right after another, the teruah is almost like they’re spitting out blasts machine gun style, but the tekiah gedolah is one long Kenny G blast the guy/girl tries to hold out the longest. That’s what everyone is waiting for. They kind of dick tease you with the others and you start hedging your bets whether or not this guy or girl is going to be worth a damn doing the tekiah gedolah.

Even better, the tekiah gedolah is really the only one the person has to be all that good at for anyone to care about. No one is sitting around talking about how good the shofar blower did teruah. Yeah, right. Stop fucking around here, you know it and I know it the only one that fucking matters is the tekiah gedolah. If you’re seeing an Eagles tribute band, which happens from time to time, you don’t give a single thought about how well they cover “Already Gone” or “One of These Nights”. You remember those songs once they start up, but you’re not looking forward to them and you’re kind of like well how much talent does it really take to cover the “minor” works of The Eagles. I mean those are just on the greatest hits from 71-75… let’s get real for a second, “Hotel California” didn’t come out until 77 and that’s the fucking only greatest hit you need.

The Eagles’ “Hotel California” = Shofar blower’s “Tekiah Gedolah”

You may have never said that to yourself before, but you know its true deep down in your bone…s.

Anyway, if an Eagles tribute band can’t pull off “Hotel California” then you might as well burn down that “House of Blues” or “Ruby Tuesdays” or where ever you are to see this show. That’s really the only song they need to practice. Also, while we are on the subject of The Eagles… I don’t like “Desperado”. Take that. Shit got real today. I don’t like it. I’ve never liked it and I think people who listen to it have not heard enough music in their life to get past that lame song. Rosh Hashanah is a brand new year and me not liking “Desperado” is something I couldn’t hold onto anymore going into this new year.

I do like the movie Desperado. I like that a lot.

We got off topic for a moment there… oh right… Rosh Hashanah.

You also eat apples and honey. Maybe chocolate. You do this when everything is said and done as an edible metaphor wishing for a sweet new year.

So, I hope you have a sweet new year.

For the people of the world who do not celebrate this holiday, I hope you have a sweet Wednesday.

Sweet days for everyone.

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7 Responses to “SHANA TOVA TO ALL THE BLESSED AND MUD PEOPLE ALIKE!!!!”

  1. benjy said

    is this place still about kirsten stewart

    • tiffanized said

      This place is, and always has been, about the want. And right now a lot of people are wanting the sun to go down so they can hear the glorious sweet sound of some person fucking up the tekiah gedolah.

  2. Ironic that porkbands and Shana Tova are trending at the same time. Moses would be shaking his fist in dismay

  3. You say Shofar, I say Jew Kazoo. Either way, have fun playing with your horn tonight.* Happy new year and stuff!

  4. cledbo said

    So going all #education on us today, Jordo? And #religiouseducation no less. I feel warm with the goo of new knowledge.
    I also learnt that Jews apparently invented “work smart, not hard”, according to the link Tiff posted. Awesome.

  5. Ra'anan said

    The 100 sounds made by the shofar are to wipe out the echo of Sisera’s MOTHER’S cries! She was crying because she realized that Sisera wouldn’t be returning from battle w/a couple of Jewish women as his slaves for you know what. Instead, Ya’el gave Sisera something totally different. Sisera was a mercenary for the Cana’anite, but their world view is get whatever fun you can because life is a tragedy. That’s what the shevarim & terua’ are (different types of sobbing in response to the hard knocks of life). OUR sounds, though, BEGIN & END w/a TEQIA’ because WE believe that our BEGINNINGS & ENDINGS ARE TEQI’OTH (STRAIGHT & NOT SOBBINGS, except maybe in the MIDDLE). THAT’S why we blow the 100 sounds, to erase that “eat, drink & be merry” of the Cana’anite (& Madison Avenue) POV. We are here to fix things up & not just sob.

    gemar chathima tova, Ra’anan in Jerusalem, Sat nite

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