I Wish Kristen Stewart Was Literally Making A Movie Called “SWATH”

September 29, 2011

Yesterday, we all got our first glimpses of Kristen Stewart in “Snow White and the Huntsmen”.

Well, you at least had the opportunity and numerous ones at that to see said pictures… and a video.

I saw these pictures and corresponding video on every entertainment website I peruse, which is about three, but either way I saw these pictures a few times yesterday and I’m guessing you did too.

There were over a dozen pictures it seemed, but the pictures could easily be separated into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Kristen Stewart on a horse

Yep. There she is on a horse.

We’ve seen Kristen Stewart on a horse before, but this time she’s dressed in full battle armor. Well, not “full” because she’s not wearing a helmet. If she wore a helmet we couldn’t see her pretty little face. And, if we couldn’t see that face then we could only guess that they have some young boy riding a horse considering how diminutive she is in comparison to everything around her. Hey! Hey there! Why are you bringing a child into battle?! What? Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Kristen Stewart. Carry on. Makes perfect sense now. I would think that Kristen Stewart belonged in battle swinging a sword and carrying a shield…. no… hey wait! That doesn’t make any fucking sense either!

The other category is…

2. Kristen Stewart not on a horse

Oh, Kristen Stewart. You don’t have to smoke to be cool. This isn’t the 1950’s. Peer pressure is bad!

Yeah, there is Kristen Stewart wearing armor smoking a ciggy and not being on a horse.

What’s are the odds that the guy standing with her is some intern from UCLA whose sole job is keeping track of Kristen Stewart’s cigarette butts?

I’m saying like 4:1 odds.

Those are pretty much the pictures.

Here’s another picture of Kristen Stewart on a horse.

Here’s another picture of Kristen Stewart standing around not on a horse.

I won’t lie, she looks awkward as hell in this outfit. Plus what in the fuck does any of this have to do with Snow White?

Riding horses on a beach? I believe that was made popular by the latest Robin Hood movie. Didn’t Snow White take place in the woods? Is the Huntsmen not a woodsmen anymore? I don’t get what’s the point of this movie at all. Also, if this is still destined to be a trilogy then God help those that feel compelled to see all three of them. You poor poor souls.

Here’s Kristen on a horse again.

I really wish this movie was called SWATH. I don’t know what SWATH means, but that makes more sense than this being Snow White and the Huntsmen.

Let’s think up a new storyline…

SWATH the actual word means:

noun
1. the space covered by the stroke of a scythe or the cut of a mowing machine.
2. the piece or strip so cut.
3. a line or ridge of grass, grain, or the like, cut and thrown together by a scythe or mowing machine.
4. a strip, belt, or long and relatively narrow extent of anything.

Ok.

Well, I guess this shit has to be set in the UK, for starters.

I say has too because they’re wearing armor, carrying swords, are on horseback and they’re white. As far as I know, the only “swath” of land we attribute any of that to is merry old England. Plus they have beaches in England. Who the fuck wants to go to them? No clue, but they’re there.

It is the medieval ages and Kristen Stewart is the daughter of an old king or at least the leader to some area of where ever we are saying they are in England.

Then comes along evil people and those evil people are imagine are lead by Charlize Theron as their Queen and her right hand man is that Prince guy I’ve seen who wears the black armor. Those two are near where Kristen Stewart lives, but there is one particular “swath” of land that separates the two rival lands.

What happens? Well, Kristen Stewart has no brothers or anything or maybe she did and they died doing battle with the evil Queen’s men or literally died at the hand of the Prince. Anyway, she’s been the only offspring of the King for awhile and she has been raised to ride, shoot arrows, battle with weapons et cetera.

The king dies.

Boo hoo, it is so sad and such. Of course, when news gets out that the king be dead… Ms. Theron and her army decide they are going to make a move on the entire region. First, though there could be the civility that they have a meeting and in the meeting the Queen makes it perfectly clear that it is either surrender your lands or die. Kristen obviously says she will not surrender her lands and Theron laughs in her face that the old king had no army that could compare to hers and now that army will be lead by some little girl and not the king. So, it is their funeral.

Kristen’s counselors are like we should maybe surrender and work out a deal. But no! Kristen spends all night agonizing over books and so forth and one of her father’s key strengths was strategy and she watched him for year strategizing, so Kristen Stewart knows how to do that and …

They devise a plan to get the Queen’s army to take one specific road to their land. It is a narrow strip of road where they will fortify it before hand with traps and such and with that this will be their best shot and destroying as much of that army as they possibly can if it does reach their castle. So… the “swath” is that “swath” of land.

Basically, the movie turns into a 300 meets The Alamo meets 13 Assassins, which are all better movies than whatever this Snow White nonsense is.

As for the huntsmen… or should I say “love interest”- there could be hill people who do not live in the big castle who just kind of live out there on the plains or whatever that Kristen Stewart has to convince to help her in her efforts to stop this evil Queen. Amongst those wild people can be Chris Hemsworth and he’s the best soldier the hill people got. The two of them have at first an adversarial relationship as it always is and then through battle they start getting sexy in the sack together.

In the end, Kristen Stewart’s side wins with the help of Hemsworth’s hill people. The hill people and the castle folk become friends and Hemsworth puts his wang in Stewart’s poonani and they create the first castle/hill person hybrid.

SWATH!

What the hell is this movie about?

Aside from that…

I saw this picture today…

This looks horrendous.

What are they doing with their faces?

Why does  Mark Ruffalo look like he’s Nick Cave?

Why is Scarlett front and center?

Why does Chris Evans look like he’s constipated?

Oh man, this cover is freaking me out.

The more I look into any of their eyes the more creeped out I feel.

The more I look at Mark Ruffalo the more I think he’s going “ooooooooh” and is possibly confused who the Incredible Hulk is and that Bruce Banner was never in The Smiths.

As for Scarlett, yeah she’s gorgeous and everything, but I hate what they’re doing with her character. Already she looks like this chick from GI Joe

This is Scarlett (the character) from the GI Joe movie. Now, this chick is also gorgeous, but this movie is garbage and Scarlett (the human) looks like she is trying to be Scarlett (the character). I know that’s not completely their fault because Scarlett (the character) isn’t supposed to look like Black Widow, but I think Scarlett (the character) looks more like Black Widow than Scarlett (the human) looks like Black Widow.

Some of that simply has to do with Scarlett (the human) cutting her hair. I’m not sure why Joss Whedon changed around everyone’s outfits, but he did. Scarlett (the human) looked more like Black Widow in Iron Man 2 and I don’t think she needed to be in that movie at all. Plus nothing against Scarlett (the human), but Black Widow’s name is Natalia Romanova… are we saying we couldn’t find a Russian chick who looks good in a black cat suit holding a gun and dying her hair red? I think we could have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… she wouldn’t be as famous as Scarlett (the human), but what do I care at this point?

Anyway…

Mark Ruffalo will be absolutely terrible.

Questions?

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14 Responses to “I Wish Kristen Stewart Was Literally Making A Movie Called “SWATH””

  1. Nix said

    I cannot wait for you to start writing actual movies. The movie industry does not know what it’s missing.

  2. Additional definitions for “swath” via Urban Dictionary:
    1. A person exhibiting cunt like behavior
    2. To roll around in blankets when you are stoned

    I could see her in movies inspired by either of those definitions before I could buy her as this medieval version (or any version, for that matter) of Snow White.

    Bitches hating bitches alert! I guess I should reserve judgment for when the trailer is released, but… Bella and Thor? I would bet all my thousandaire wealth that my opinion won’t change.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      1. “Panic Room” – I know that wasn’t the thrust of the movie, but she was a pretty cunty kid in that. Or “Adventureland” – she was more of a passive cunt in that.
      2. “Cake Eaters” – that’s the one where she can’t walk and has bruises on her legs, right?

      • Bruises on her legs? “Cake Eaters.”

        There’s “The Runaways” too, which I would imagine might cover both of the definitions at once… Though I’ve never seen it so I can’t say for sure.

        Also, “Cake Eaters” is the one with bruises on her legs.

    • cledbo said

      Urban dictionary is both hilarious and annoying. You can pick any word you like, or just throw random letters together, and give it a meaning. It’s like wiki gone completely bonkers.

  3. Heyyyy said

    Here’s a cunt calling HeyyyBrother a cunt. If you think she’s a stoner/cunt why even watch her movies, and not just the ones everyone knows, like Panic Room, but Cake Eaters? Whatever. KSWI, this is not one of your funnier posts. My list of blogs to read is getting too long anyway…

    • Well, technically I didn’t say I thought she was a stoner or a cunt… I quoted definitions from Urban Dictionary (which I think we can all agree is a very reputable resource for true facts and stuff), and said I believed her acting talents would lend more to playing a role of that nature than some Dungeons and Dragons Snow White type. It was a critique of her choice in character.

      But, you caught me! I don’t care much for her. And I don’t usually watch her movies, so I won’t argue with you there. I do read this blog though, so…

      Cuntily Yours <3,
      HB

      P.S. she is a stoner. I would be too if I was a 21-year-old millionaire.

  4. kristenstewartwantsit said

    I think I’m pretty proud of this post if only for the excessive use of the word “cunt” being flagrantly thrown around in the comments section.

    I also got a Nick Cave reference. Not bad for a Rosh Hashanah.

    L’shanah tovah, cunts!

  5. almond said

    That entire SWATH plot synopsis you made up sounds way more interesting than the movie they’re actually filming. I would definitely watch your version, just not with Stewart as the protagonist. She looks as medieval as an ipod.

  6. NIkki said

    i read the script. you’re pretty close to what its actually about!

  7. NIkki said

    who the fuck is named almond?

  8. Axiom said

    Why must you call her a “cunt” you pathetic loser?… you seem to be overly interested in using the most profane words to descrive a young girl who is not all that bad compared to the tragic young girls in Hollywood.. your focus on her is very revealing about your true intentions and perhaps even, the nature of your employer… it is clear that someone is paying you to be so focused on someone that does not deserve your harshness or your profanity…
    Miss Stewart has shown that she is an actress of great talent.. all actors have their own, “aura”.. when they play their characters.. no one can or will ever, escape their true natures and personalities.. she is a serious person by nature and just like other actors, famous and not, they will not escape their personal features, like Robert Deniro for example, or any of the most iconic actors in History.. one can act, or channel, or access.. but one will never escape their true essence.. that happens to all actors… and you focus on that so much… and the fact that you are using this basic feature in human spychology within all actors to attack a 21 year old woman is really disgusting and shameful… you are a PATHETIC, JEALOUS, LOSER.. and a complete COWARD….
    Kristen Stewart has clearly shown her metal in acting.. from panic room, speak, cake eaters, welcome to the rileys and the Twilight films.. and because she is so young, there is still so much from her to be added to that list…
    The basic nature of Kristen Stewart is one of seriousness and I don’t think that she will ever be seen in a comedy or anything like that.. but in great and dramatic roles… if anyone can make scenes of great emotional intensity.. that is her…

    say what you want and continue with your, smear tactics… we all know that the likes of you is paid to smear her and attack her… you don’t fool no one at all…..

    Do yourself a big favor and try and find it within yourself more respect and kindness to others.. especially young and sensitive woman who are still very impressionable and yet, trying their very best to keep their lives in order and at the same time make something of their lives withought caving in to the presures of sensationalism and the Hollywood abyss of immorality, drug abuse and spiritual decadence…
    Please show a little more respect and kindness and earn a little honor for your own.. self…..

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