It’s FRIDAY!!!!!

It’s also highly probable you will be in a costume later this evening and/or tomorrow evening!

That is, of course, if you are planning on getting DRUNK with ALCOHOL instead of getting dressed up with your KIDS to go TRICK or TREATING. If your plan is to dress in a costume if and only if you are taking your CHILD to BEG for CANDY then you still have a few days because HALLOWEEN isn’t until MONDAY. And, by the way, I’m not sure why I’m capitalizing these words, but I AM and it might CONTINUE in this POST. Just a HEADS up.

So, it is Friday. And with it being Friday, I wish you a HAPPY FRIDAY! Because why the fuck not?

I wish you a happy everyday. I sort of do that already. They never told me how many wishes or hopes or prays I could have or use. So, I’m using every single last one of them.

Yes, it is Halloween on Monday.

For me, as a drinker and a person of reasonable youth, there is a great decision whether or not to get dressed up and drink in public dressed as opposed to drinking in public not dressed up and get stared at like that. I won’t lie, yelling “grow up already!” doesn’t earn you too many friends out in public or at least not the friends you would want. “Hobo Joe” is not in a costume. Hobo Joe is just a hobo named Joe who is drinking alone in the bar regardless of the day or time of year and now you two are fast friends. He also wants to sleep in your car. … with you.

I’m not against dressing up. I’m against dressing up for myself. I don’t want to dress up. It isn’t the “I don’t want to be anyone else, I want to be me!” kind of self-esteem nonsense. I’d love to be someone else. I dream of it most nights. And during the day. Sometimes I do accents even. But dressing up requires effort, forethought, and last, but not least I feel like a jackass in whatever I dress up as because I just do. I’m thinking the whole time like “I should just be in jeans and a shirt, but instead I’m dressed like a knight, but I don’t feel like a knight – I kind of feel like a doofus.”

I don’t think I’m dressing up. I’m not dressing up tonight. I’m watching the UFC fights tomorrow night and Sunday is the Lord’s day aka PROFESSIONAL TACKLE FOOTBALL, so probably not then either. Plus I haven’t put much thought into what I would dress up as if I did dress up. I was thinking about buying one of those Affliction t-shirts with all the sparkly stuff and skulls and crosses and spiking my hair up and wearing fake jewelry crosses and sunglasses and being either/or a Jersey Shore asshole or an MMA fan. But I didn’t go out and get any of those things. Looking back on it, I really should have taken a pair of free/cheap MMA gloves that were offered to me in Houston. They were cheap as mentioned and I didn’t have a bag with me, but really… lesson learned – take everything offered. … …. … … including sex. When a guy offers you sex, just take it. I mean it don’t cost nothing.

But enough about me!

Halloween isn’t about me.

Halloween is about the ki… SLUTTY CHICKS!

Kids suck.

Slutty Chicks rock. They rock like hurricanes.

Thank you, Halloween. Thank you for turning FHM/Maxim et cetera into reality when girls will parade around in more revealing outfits than they normally do. Girls who don’t normally dress slutty will now dress slutty. Girls who do dress slutty… you got it… EVEN SLUTTIER! Thank you, you beautiful sweet Lord of Halloween.

That’s really all that matters. It’s the lucky time of year where if you got to parties or popular bars, they appear for the first time the way bars/parties do in movies, your dreams and around the campuses of big schools like Arizona State University. When people say, “if you had the chance to live your life again, would you make any changes?” Yes. Yes I would. My change would be a 100% focus in high school on making it into one of the top 3 party schools in the country. I’m shooting for ASU because I feel like it is always a perennial favorite plus their team mascot is the Sun Devil (pretty great) and their school hand gesture is the “shocker”… how could that school not be the greatest place on the fucking EARTH?!

Uhhh… YEAH!

UHHHHHHH… YEAH!!!!!!!

UHHHHHHHH…. HELL YEAH!!!!

Uhhhh… errrr… please don’t, Sparky. Please do not.

So, that’s that.

Halloween.

It’s a kid’s holiday that we’ve perverted and that’s kind of how we do.

I’m pro you dressing up, but it’s just not for me. Like gay marriage I guess. Or serving in the military whether straight or gay. Or watching hockey during the season. Or vegetables. Or buying a cat.

If I do find myself out at the bar and not dressed up and someone asks me why am I not dressed up, I’m going to have 1 of 2 reasons:

1. I am in a costume. The rest of the year, I dress up real slutty, so now I’m actually in a costume as dressed as a prude.

2. I’m the Dad from Suburgatory. Do you watch that show? It’s on ABC right before Modern Family. It’s like the new Cougartown where if you saw commercials for it you would hate it and judge it, but if you watch two episodes of the show you start thinking it’s good. So yeah, I’m Jeremy Sisto from that show. Wednesdays at 8:30pm.

And with that… I bid you adieu.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope you dress up as the biggest slut ever.

I hope nothing happens to you bad because of that.

I hope you have a Happy HALLOWEEN!

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And. We’re. Back!

We’re back from the 24 hour break and me and the voices in my head that help write this God forsaken blog are firing on the same 2 or 3 cylinders that are usually producing sparks when we’re writing each and every other day. My eyes are still cloudy from sleep, my head is still foggy from Ambien and recovering from whatever vividly insane dreams I had, currently I have Hulk Hogan’s theme song “I am a Real American” on a loop marching through my head, I have a cup of coffee in me, dogs are about my feet and I’m quietly calculating in my head a depressing number of how many hours a day do I spend with my fingers probing these keys and my eyes glued to this brightly lit screen.

Anyway, I’m back.

That’s what matters.

As mentioned yesterday, I will tackle the second half of November’s movies. I didn’t notice this right away, but when collecting the jpegs for the movie posters – there are a lot of kids’ movies this month. Kids! KIDS! KIDS!!!!! Most of the month is dominated by movies purely constructed for a life form without a fully developed IQ. And I’m not talking about “horror” movies, which are most definitely assembled to enjoyed by single celled life forms all the way to people who have recent credit card purchases from Spencer’s or Hot Topic. So, horror movies at least are open to a lot more people… my problem with these kids’ movies is that kids will undoubtedly watch anything like flashing lights or just play in cardboard box, but we’re spending millions upon MILLIONS of dollars to entertain a bunch of barely humans who only a year earlier they were walking around with bag of their own poop strapped to their waist. A waist with waste. I’m not sure they need $200 million worth of CGI. Ya dig?

Anyway… there are a good deal of kids’ movies. I do understand that adults enjoy them as well. Most of the time, I roll my eyes at that sort of thing. But there are one or two kids movies I like and even more if I’m stoned, which I think says a lot.

Nevertheless… 2nd HALF OF NOVEMBER MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… way too many exclamation point marks.

THE DESCENDANTS

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First, I hate the title.

Originally, this movie was called “Is this him?” or something like that. I liked that title better. The movie is supposed to be that George Clooney isn’t tight with his two daughters and they were close to their mother, but their mother dies unexpectedly, so now Clooney is thrust into their lives trying to figure everything out and being a parent again. I liked the “Is this him?” title because to me it made sense that Clooney would have to ask that since he didn’t know who the “hims” of either of his daughters’ lives were. As for “The Descendants”… unless their last name is “Descendant” (it isn’t) then it’s a stupid title.

As for the movie, it seems a lot like something that Alexander Payne would make and he did make this. It’s about an older male who is kind of out of touch and a reclusive and now has to start interacting with people again and he’s not used to the type of interactions he is about to have as well as the feelings that go along with it. That’s pretty much what “About Schmidt” was and pretty much what “Sideways” was and that’s what this is. Payne usually delivers solid work. I like both of those movies a lot and I absolutely love “Election”. I think this will be an above average film without a doubt. I would be surprised if it is any less than a 7 on anyone’s scale of 1 – 10.

But I don’t think it looks as good as the previously mentioned movies. Has Payne gone to the well too many times? Is it that the movie looks more commercial just because it is bright and colorful and fun looking? I’m not sure, but it does feel a little a light. I’ve read a few early reviews and people have liked it and not loved it. So, I think it is worth a look, but it’s not going to get any Oscar nods like “Up in the Air” did. … … actually this year probably “Real Steel” will get an Oscar nod because this year has been so damn light with good films, so “The Descendants” could win best picture at this point.

Next!

HAPPY FEET TWO

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FINALLY!!!!! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!

I’m joking of course and I wouldn’t watch this or the original if you put a loaded gun in my mouth. You would probably have to trick me into having sex with you (not too difficult), but trick me in the process of us having sex into me throwing caution to the wind and impregnating you and then 9 months after delivering the baby and then while we’re raising this child we would probably have to watch all the kids movies I will actually sit through a hundred million times before we get to this movie and that’s only if the child at that point can say “penguin” – if not! ALL BETS ARE OFF!

If you saw the first and liked it then why the fuck not? Right? If you saw the first and didn’t like it then don’t see it. As simple as that. If you didn’t see the first, but want to see this one – how complicated could it be? Jump right in!

I will not be seeing this. I will be busy doing adult things like drinking Hawaiian beer while playing video games.

Next!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1

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Fuck.

Well, it had to happen. “Twilight” time has come back around as it appears it will continue doing until next year. One more go around on this rascally bunch of teens and vampires and werewolves and zero plot. But this movie will be different. Ahhh yes! This one will be different! As all the hand holding and forehead rubbing finally cums to its zenith when Fake-Kristen Stewart and Fake-Rob Pattinson will have fake sex on screen for what I can only imagine will be a split second or two all to the squeels of girls who have recently had their first period and sadly to the mothers who birthed them and their age bracket.

The only thing I enjoy about these movies is that it truly shows what dirty pervs women are. These books and the subsequent movies are about the squeakiest clean bullshit you could ever read and watch. These people are nearly a-sexual. An episode of CBS’ “Mike & Molly” is downright pornographic in comparison to these “Twilight” books and movies. But two things have happened… 1. women have filled in all the invisible cracks in this story with the filthiest fucking ever – guys fucking girls, guys fucking guys, guys fucking guys while they being fucked by other guys who are fucking guys – it says a lot about the “fairer” sex. And the other thing… 2. it isn’t about old or acceptable aged peen anymore, young peen will do too. As a guy, we’re at least made to feel guilty or people (women) try to make us feel guilty for having all these young chicks parading around as high school girls on TV and then stripping naked in Maxim off the TV. But “Twilight” has shown that women have the same appetite for that as well. I’m not entirely sure, but I think Taylor Lautner was 9 when the second “Twilight” came out and for grown ass women to be frothing at the mouth when this jail bait is stripping off his shirt more than uttering dialogue… it meant we’re all the same.

Men and women – fucking perverted animal messes.

I’m comfortable with that.

Anyway, the more I see of these books/movies, the more I think they could have easily been sandwiched into one book and are far less “saga” than the title will admit. I mean… girl meets guy + girl and guy hang out a bunch (first book), guy leaves girl, guy comes back (second book), they hang out some more (third book), girl and guy marry, they have a kid, kid grows up and marries girl’s best friend who is werewolf (fourth book). I’m not sure any of this warranted any books, but four? I didn’t see the third movie, but it doesn’t seem like to me that it needed to exist at all. It seems like they’re going to get married and have children after the first book, so I guess the second book is the curveball, but it still happens. Either way…

What can I say to make you not go see this movie? It will give you AIDS! All the seats in the theaters at all the movies for some reason have been sprayed down with a fire hose full of AIDS. And it’s highly contagious. You would still go, but dressed in HAZ-MAT suits.

All monies from this movie are given directly to the terrorists. Like REAL terrorists. Terrorists worse than the creators of “Real Steel”.

You would still go.

It looks like shit. It does. What can I say? It doesn’t matter that it does. The first one looked terrible and they all look like the first one. I still have no idea why they have gone through this trouble of hiring other directors when the movies all look exactly alike. I don’t get it.

Go off and see the movie like you will. I am disappointed in all of you. But do try and keep track of how many times Fake-Kristen Stewart puts her hand on Fake-Robert Pattinson’s chest. My guessitmate is a baker’s dozen (13) of times. That’s my guess. From the little I’ve seen, she does it 4 times excluding the movie poster above. So I’m thinking there could be a solid 9 other times.

Next!

A DANGEROUS METHOD

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Let me sum up this movie for you… imagine this all in terrible German accents…

Hello there, Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender).

Hello there, Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen).

I have a question for you, Carl.

Yes, Sigmund.

Do you want to have the sex with Keira Knightley?

Hmmmm… Yes. Yes I do, Sigmund. I do want to have the sex with Frau Keira Knightley.

I thought so, Carl.

I actually have a question for you, Sigmund.

Really? What a marvelous turn of events? What is your question, Carl?

Do you want to have the sex with Keira Knightley?

Hmmmm… Yes. Yes I do, Carl. I do want to have the sex with Frau Keira Knightley.

Very interesting, Sigmund. I thought so.

Hello there, Sigmund and Carl. It is I, Otto Gross (Vincet Cassel).

Hello there, Otto.

Hello there, Sigmund.

Hello there, Otto.

Hello there, Carl.

I am glad we are seeing each other because I have a question for the both of you.

This is turning into quite a day of questions. My brain is titillated.

Mine as well, Sigmund.

Well then, my question – do you, Carl, and do you, Sigmund, want to have the sex with Keira Knightley?

Why we were just discussing this? How delightful?

Yes, Otto. We both answered to each other that we both would like to have the sex with Keira Knightley.

Wunderbar! Can I watch?

– end scene –

I would say this movie is about 90% of what I just said up until Otto showed up. I can only guess that is what Otto wants to do because Vincent Cassel is a creep and he plays creeps in movies, so I feel like Otto will be watching “the sex”. The movie seems to be more or less about Jung and Freud wanted to lay some pipe on Knightley and whether or not them doing that is conflicting with their professionalism as well as the fact that Jung is married.

As much as I do love Jung and Freud the actual thinkers and as much as I like Fassbender and Mortensen and other members of this cast… I’m not seeing this. It looks stupid. It also looks wildly melodramatic. It looks worse than the “Love in the Time of Cholera” movie or just about as bad. Plus I don’t like Fassbender playing this reposed character, this quiet intensity… that’s a disservice to him as an actor. He’s an active actor. Get him an active role. Viggo? Well, he’s a shape shifter, so this could be OK for him, but wouldn’t be my choice.

As for Keira? I feel like I’m over Keira Knightley. She’s had a rough sled of bad movies for one. I haven’t had an actress crush on her since like 2006, maybe even 2005. And it was never that much of a crush either. She was in “Love, Actually” and then that’s pretty much it. Wow, I just looked at her IMDB and it is almost all movies I really dislike. “Love, Actually” is 2004 and the second “Pirates'” movie is 2006, so that was the window. At its peak, that was the window. Maybe she’ll turn it around with this… I doubt it.

Next!

ARTHUR CHRISTMAS

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Why even bother?

I’m not seeing this.

You’re not seeing this.

No one is seeing this.

No one is seeing this just like no one saw “Mars Needs Moms”.

Skip! Skiiiiiiiip!

Next!

HUGO

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Fuck this movie in its heart shaped keyhole.

Martin Scorcese is “saving” 3D by making a kids’ movie? Well done, Marty. I was worried there weren’t enough 3D kids movies. I mean I was worried there for a moment. I was worried because I thought in the moment between “Happy Feet Two” being in 3D and this movie coming out a week or so later that the market for 3D kids’ movies would have undergone an apocalyptic collapse. Thank you, you genius you, Martin. Oh Martin. You’re such a wonderful genius making a movie that looks almost identical to a movie I saw when I was in middle school that was one of those movies purely shot in 3D by no name people just to warrant some movie theaters in New York City to keep a hold of having a 3D IMAX in their facility. I have been reading this wildly masturbatory reviews about how this movie is the greatest homage to the golden age of films. To that I say, go fuck yourselves until you die. That’s what I say to that.

At its best, this is a kids movie. At its worst, this movie is a fucking kids movie. Seriously, this is a kids movie. Get the fuck over yourselves. I honestly can’t wait until these older generations to die off for two reasons:

1. Racism. Not that racism will ever fully go away, but we need to get through some generations of people to get rid of a lot of this bullshit. The farther away we are from a time when black people were treated as second class citizens and the people around who lived during that – the better. Racism is almost nostalgia at this point. At some point, there will be only people who only knew a world with black presidents and gay marriage. That will happen and will happen sooner than later – for the better. Try picturing yourself just living without the internet or TV right now. It’s nearly impossible imagining a world that doesn’t have what you’ve always known. Now, move that forward with racism and homophobia. Yeah, it will be around. There will always be problems, but it will be dramatically less… just as it is now.

2. No love for Marty. At some point, this completely undeserved affection that people have for this director will more or less disappear. What are these great movies? These transcendent movies? “Taxi Driver”? “Mean Streets”? Seriously? Who cares? “Raging Bull”? Do you really watch these movies? The best movies he has made were his documentaries on The Band and the Rolling Stones and honestly not to sound too dickish, but they’re just as good documentaries as other documentaries when a director has full access to that particular band. He doesn’t make the worst movies ever, but he is no where near the top and people treat him as such, but it is getting less and less from what I have seen, which is a good thing.

Next!

THE MUPPETS

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I mean… it’s “The Muppets”.

Honestly, I’m not at all intrigued by this movie. I’ve watched the Muppets and I’ve seen the shows and the movies. Just because Jason Segel is in this I’m not sure how wonderful this will be. I’m not really expecting much.

Who knows? It could be good. People will see it. Probably not as many as people expect. I really haven’t seen this movie being pushed at all. It’s only a month away and I would think this is a movie that Disney is expecting will be a big deal, but I haven’t seen trailers or TV spots or anything anywhere. I mean they’re on the internet, but so is furry sex and the news, so I generally watch that. But… on the TV?! I feel like people will say they liked it just because it was the Muppets and they loved the Muppets. Will have to see?

Next!

MY WEEK WITH MARILYN

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And finally… “My Week with Marilyn”.

*shrugs*

Are you ladies really excited for this? I mean really? I hope so. That’s what they’re hoping for. You’re just dying to see Michelle Williams dressed up as Marilyn Monroe. That’s the movie. It’s more or less a 2 hour movie they made out of a magazine photoshoot. How many actresses have dressed up as Marilyn Monroe? Roughly a million. How many actresses have played Marilyn Monroe in a Marilyn Monroe movie? Dozens. This is pretty well worn territory, but what the fuck do I know? I mean this could be the “Frost/Nixon” of Marilyn Monroe movies. It’s “The Queen” of Marilyn Monroe movies. It’s British is basically what I’m saying. It looks British and it is. Anyway, it’s Marilyn Monroe and it’s Michelle Williams dressed up as her and why not? Let’s just keep making this movie over and over and over again.

This movie is obviously not directed for me, so it’s all on your shoulders, ladies. Your lady shoulders. Have fun with it. Or not.

AND WE’RE DONE!

That’s NOVEMBER!

You’ll be too drunk to see any of these movies or to remember these movies anyway. It’s the Fall going into Winter and the only way to combat that coolness is to get all hot in the chest with booze and sex. Which is similar to how one must beat the heat in the Summer. Stay the course.

Questions?

Helllllllllllloooooooooooooooo…. ooooo… o… ooo there!

Today is Wednesday, you wino.

Now, I already foresee that tomorrow’s post will be the second half of yesterday’s post. But what shall today’s post be? WHAT SHALL IT?!

How about we peruse some of my bookmarked interweb articles?

Yes?

YES!

These lovely South East Asians want IT and so does Kristen Stewart, so be IT.

My bookmarks are usually articles that I see, read and then think I can expound on or make fun of for this very blog then I forget all about them and only remember that I bookmarked them when I bookmark something else. It’s a vicious circle of bookmarking the random.

So let’s begin:

The Secret to Looking 5 Pounds Thinner — Without Dieting (Psst, it’s in Your Closet)

Yeah.

I’m addicted to the internet and I’m addicted to Yahoo.

I must click on Yahoo.com roughly a million times a day. The funny thing is that I’m not expecting great things from Yahoo. I’m just expecting “things”. THINGS! Lots of them too. Yahoo’s top articles can be anything from a game winning half court shot at a high school basketball game by a kid with epilepsy or it could be about curing epilepsy with the blood of an ancient tribe hidden in the darkest jungles of the Uganda or it could be about how Demi Moore looks as skinny in her “daring” dress that one might assume she has a tapeworm parasite from the darkest jungles of the Uganda or it could be a video of a puppy.

It could be anything! It’s actually insane. And that’s what keeps me going back every 15 minutes throughout every fucking day.

I’ve talked about “Shine” before, which is the women’s blog for the greater Yahoo. They’ll get their articles on the front page as well. The titles sound like they’re unisexual, but they are most certainly for women. But they are about topics that guys wouldn’t mind as well. “Secrets to toner looking thighs?” Sure. Who wouldn’t? I’m clicking on that… DAMN IT!… it’s all about soccer moms! “Quick and Easy Ways to Spice Up Your Wardrobe?” Fuck yeah! I’d love a few quick and easy… DAMN IT!… I’m not wearing a million bracelets or a belt around my actual waist cutting a t-shirt in half! Anyway… this is one of those articles.

It’s supposed to be about an ancient Chinese secret (all secrets originate in China) to looking 5 pounds thinner by just wearing the right clothes that could be in my closet right now. Sounds great. Great! Who doesn’t want to look 5 pounds thinner? Why not? I doubt there’s a person on the Earth who wouldn’t try that out for just a day. 5 pounds thinner? Let’s get this roller coaster started! Anyway… spoiler alert… this is for chicks and the clothes are all chicks clothes.

Secret #2 – Pair a black tank top with a colored skirt. Yeah? Well, if I’m wearing a black tank top and a colored skirt – you might be right that people won’t be focused on my weight as much as they are focused on me being a transvestite. That’s awfully astute Shine.

Secret #4 – Try a tall, nude heel – I’m not going to lie to you, Shine, but your opinion of what is in my closet is way off base. Currently, in my closet are 10 or so suits and 20-30 dress shirts that do not get worn. That’s about it. Oh and 40 ties. That’s what is in my closet. I don’t have a “nude heel” section to my closet. But if it will make look 5 pounds thinner then I might have to reconsider. Also, I’m like 6’3″ – 6’4″, so depending on the heel – I could be eye-to-eye with Lebron James, which in all honesty is something I imagine a lot.

Thanks, but no thanks, Shine.

Most Powerful Women

Actually, Shine is still on the clock.

This is an article of the top 10 most powerful women in the world that Fortune Magazine put together, but I did see it on Yahoo through Shine… again! I rue the day that I die and someone goes through all of my internet history. It’s going to be a very very very disturbing day for that person. I’m hoping that the overall randomness of it will dilute the pure debauchery and disturbing nature of some of it. It’s two things – 1. I have a healthy appetite for the weird and 2. it don’t cost nothin’. It’s the internet! It’s only one click away! Anyway… back to Shine and how much I read of it.

So, these are arguably the 10 most powerful women in the world and I was planning on doing an article about them and at the same time making them sound like the greatest sexual temptress’ of all fucking time(!). I mean that’s kind of my deal. That’s my move. Plus that’s how I think. I mean, yeah, that’s great that Irene Rosenfeld is the chairman and CEO of Kraft Foods and she makes all these important decisions and makes all this money and her parents and family should be super proud, but … listen… we’re all animals – even money bags and corner office Irene over there. She wants IT. We all do. So let’s get into IT. Let’s let that freak flag and that ID just fucking fly off its handle and talk about Irene getting dirty.

If Ke$ha has taught us anything, she’s taught us we all want to and should get sleazy. Like look at Andrea Jung over there at #6. Ms. Jung is the chairman and CEO of Avon Products. First and foremost, check out her wikipedia page – the lady is balling in money. BALLIN’. Secondly, she is an exotic Asian flower who was born in Toronto and went to Princeton. Andrea graduated Magna Cum Laude, that’s what she said! This lady is the greatest catch. She’s basically your Lisa Ling sugar momma. It says she’s 53, but she doesn’t look past her 40’s at all. I’m saying that is a combination of her beautiful ancestry and her access to the great skincare products in the world. So… let’s just say she’s going to look at the very least a decade younger than she is – always. That’s a woman that dude’s need to hear about.

….

..

.

Yeah.

I didn’t prepare you at all for that.

That is what we call in the biz as a “severely dislocated knee”. That was from a Bellator (MMA) show in May 2010. That’s Jared Hess (not the director of Napoleon Dynamite) and during the fight he felt something go in his knee, which was his knee. It was the third round of a fight he had won the first two rounds of and he fell back on his leg and that happened. He tried to stand up, but it wasn’t working. He didn’t scream out in pain or even waive the ref over. He tried to get up and couldn’t because his leg wouldn’t support him and the ref noticed that and stopped the fight. Then they take Jared over to the corner and sit him on a stool and that is what happened next. AMAZING!

The dude couldn’t have cared any less about his knee. He just was pissed that he wouldn’t be able to continue to fight and now that would mean he would lose that fight. He was furious about that. That guy is fucking tough.

Hess still fights. He’s had two fights since. He went 1-1 in those fights and the knee seems fine now. But what a great fucking moment for TV.

Speed-flying champion Antoine Montant found dead in French Alps

This is kind of a “no shit” article, but that’s just the cynicism talking.

Antoine Montant was the best at a particular “sport” called “Speed-flying”.

Speed-flying is a mix of skiing, paragliding and sky-diving. Yeah.

The guy was only 30 and it’s easy to be like “well, that sounds like a death sentence kind of sport” and it is. But it’s also something else to have actually done what he did because it is almost unimaginable. It’s truly insane what he was doing. Truly insane. In no way what Montant was doing was safe. He would get on top of these absurdly dangerous and high mountains. He would jump off them with skis and a parachute attached to him. From there he would drift and ski and jump and glide his way down these rock formations, which were in no way ever created for someone to do that.

Everyone’s life is their own and Montant chose to use his short time on this Earth doing the impossible. It’s hyperbolic in a way to say that, but seriously look at what the fuck he was doing!

That’s something that would be in a James Bond movie where there would be hundreds of safety people rigging up 100 feet at a time for a stunt man to go through a zip lines that would be CGIed out later. Meanwhile, this 30 year old nut case is doing it just for the fuck of it. Also, I “”-ed “sport” before because I’m not sure how you grade it or how you compete in it and I’m not sure if just because you’re racing to be the craziest that means it is a sport, but most certainly Montant had to be one of the, if not the, wildest guys on the face of the Earth.

Similarly, to this guy…

The ascent of Alex Honnold

The guy is 26 and he’s climbing the craziest mountains and cliff faces with no gear at all.

It’s insane.

Human beings are the best.

I don’t see any monkeys or dolphins or hippos attempting to free climb these cliff faces.

I don’t see any giraffes or orcas or alligators attempting to “speed-fly” the French Alps neither.

Humans are the best. That’s why we runs this shit.

Also, I love Lara Logan.

Until tomorrow, Lara et al.

It’s that time of year again! That magical time of year again! That time of the yeaaaarrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

TUESDAY!

Yeah!

It’s Tuesday and I’m going to write you a post. Why not, right?

It’s happened on other Tuesdays. Actually, most other Tuesdays. At this point, since you started reading this blog, whether it was a year or two years or 7 days ago, I have been posting on most Tuesdays. That’s a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia or just take my word for it. I’m not lying to you about this. Why should I? Anyway, you’re very accusatory this morning for a bunch of people who are receiving free thoughts from me. FREE! Also, pictures. FREE! So, it’s Tuesday and I’m posting and I may or may not be imagining you reading this in a naughty nurse’s costume talking about “would you like to give me an injection?” because that’s more or less my process as a writer.

Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday!

Today, I will preview the first half of November’s movies… the movies that will be released in the theatres!

Yes, the theater! Thee-at-her!

I have 8 movies to preview, which will get you good until the middle of the month. These 8 movies… let’s just we’ve collectively seen worse in one sense and in another sense we haven’t seen anything worse than what will be offered. It’s pretty much split between the truly awful and the truly… should be good.

So let’s get our hands dirty, our faces wet, and our crotches powdered and read some PREVIEWS!

A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS

Fucking why?

Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I loved Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. Loved it. I loved every second of that damn movie. I saw it in the damn theaters. I bought it on damn DVD and when they started showing it on the damn movie channels I watched it every damn time. I loved that damn movie and I still do.

But then came a time when they put together a sequel for the beloved original. The sequel, Escape from Guantanamo Bay, was shit. Let’s not mince words here, it was shit. It wasn’t funny. It was shit. It wasn’t fun either. It was shit. Listen, I’m more or less the target market of these movies and it was shit. For instance, Euro Trip is hysterical. Good movie. Good good movie. But Escape from Gua… whatever is TERRIBLE. It’s just stupid and thrown together and worthless and I hope someone is peeing on a copy of it right now.

I’m not looking forward to this 3rd movie, which is now in 3D(!). I think we’ve all given up on 3D at the moment, which I applaud. I saw almost 10 movies in 3D and I’m fucking over it. I know that. The best 3D movie was Jackass 3D by far. The rest – who cares? I’m who caresing this movie. Don’t see it. Fuck Kal Penn and John Cho. You made one good movie then you made a shitty movie and I’m not seeing your trivial shit movie.

Next!

ANOTHER HAPPY DAY

This sounds good.

I hadn’t heard a peep, A PEEP!, about this movie until I started doing this very post that you’re reading right this moment with your eyes – hello, how are you? is this post up to your standards? your lofty standards. is that nurse’s uniform itchy… maybe you should take it off – I started researching these November peliculas and this one caught my ojo. First, it was the cast: Ellen Barkin, Demi Moore, Kate Bosworth, Thomas Haden Church, George Kennedy, Ellen Burstyn, Ezra Miller. It’s an interesting cast. I’m not sure what to make of it. Some of those people are in great movies and some are barely in movies anymore. Nevertheless, I thought it was noteworthy. Plus, the website I peruse gave this a 9/10 rating when it played at Sundance. This also caught mi ojo. I don’t buy into reviews, but I make note of them. Lastly, the storyline…

Ellen Barkin stars in this darkly comic story of the emotional rollercoaster of a family gathering. On the eve of her estranged son’s (Michael Nardelli) wedding, Lynn (Barkin), a woman who has always worn her emotions on her sleeve, must deal with her long-simmering feud with her ex-husband (Thomas Hayden Church) and his hot-tempered wife (Demi Moore), the disdain of her cold mother (Ellen Burstyn) and distant father (George Kennedy) and the ridicule of her ever-judgmental sisters. And the fact that she brings along her three deeply troubled children (Ezra Miller, Daniel Yelsky, Kate Bosworth) don’t make things any easier for Lynn.

Sounds like it could be good. That’s all the conclusion I can come up with. It sounds like something I’ve seen before, but that I would see again. It’s a limited release (sounds like my ex-wife, am I right?!) movie, so you might not get the release (that’s what she said) and will have to wait until DVD or illegal downloading. Either way, this could be a good movie. Go November!

Next!

TOWER HEIST

Wow… this looks baaaaaaaaaadddddd. Bad. Like real bad. Like Michael Jackson’s Bad. Like Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay bad. Ya dig?

It’s almost criminal that they got this many talented people (not including Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire) and made them waste their time making a shitty movie like this. Jesus this looks bad. Ben Stiller, why? Eddie Murphy, why? Casey Affleck, why? Alan Alda, why? Matthew Broderick, why? Michael Pena, why?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

It looks bad. Why is Ben Stiller doing that accent in this movie? WHY?! No one else is doing a stupid accent! What the hell is up with his accent? What’s the point of him having this phony baloney accent? Did anyone watch Rome? The TV show from HBO? Yeah, it was about Rome, Italy and everyone was British and speaking in English and not once was I like, “Man, I wish one of these guys did a shitty forced Italian accent to make this authentic.” So, Ben Stiller’s character is from New York? Who cares? Just talk like yourself you fucking moron. They hired you! This isn’t some great work of Shakespeare. It’s supposed to be a comedy, so they hired you a comedian to be funny, so just be you. ON TOP OF THAT!!!! In real life Ben Stiller is from New York and he doesn’t talk like that, so talk like you talk you fucking dolt!

As for the rest of the people, they should be ashamed of themselves and I’m smh-ing all of them! All of them! smh!

Hey, Eddie Murphy. I thought you were done with shit movies. Didn’t you get respectable again? smh!

Hey, Casey Affleck. You’re a great actor. One of the best out there. And you saw your brother throw his career away on shit movies like this. You should know better. smh!

Hey, Alan Alda. Well… you get what you can get, I suppose. You’re old and old people barely get any work. Either way, smh!

Hey, Matthew Broderick. I don’t… smh!

Hey, Michael Pena. You are in good comedies. Stay in good comedies. smh!

And for Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, well strike while the fire is hot because let’s be real – between you and Blake Lively, the world will choose Blake Lively. That’s just how it is. You know it. I know it. So get all the work you can. Do it! I’m not smh-ing my head at you. I’m nodding. Take those skinny white bitches work! Take it all!

Seriously, don’t see this movie.

Next!

J. EDGAR

You’re seeing it.

Why are we even pretending here? We’re all going to see it. We’re going to see it because it looks to be about the most respectable Oscar winning looking movie that’s come out in awhile. It’s also got Leo in it. And chicks love Leo. They love him. And he loves them. He loves them condomless and in bunches. That’s what I’m saying and that’s why we’re all seeing it. Plus it’s directed by Clint Eastwood. And it’s got a bunch of other great actors and actresses in it. And you’re going to learn from it. In all honesty, that is a big selling point. People love feeling smart, but people also hate reading the things that make you smart. Like they say reading in general makes you smart and we all know that’s bullshit. You’ve spent enough time interacting with the masses of people reading books about paranormal teen romance with vampires and wolves and shit and you know you’re not dealing with the cream of the crop intelligence wise. You need to read to get smart, but you need to read the right books- not just any book.

So, this is going to be better than a book. You’re going to get a Cliff’s Notes version of J. Edgar Hoover’s life. It might not be all factual, but you’ll read some Yahoo article explaining what is real or not real a week after you see the movie and you’ll be good as gold. Then for the next 6 months you’ll be able to spice up conversations with little tidbits about Hoover or the FBI or whatever. It’ll be good.

Also, Armie Hammer and Leo kiss in the movie – supposedly. And that’s enough for the slash fans to drop $10 on this.

See it.

Next!

11-11-11

Don’t…

See…

This…

Utter…

Piece…

Of…

Shit…

Movie…

Honestly, a lot of people accuse us internet people as “keyboard warriors” and we wouldn’t say this stuff to people to their face in the real life. I call bullshit all over that. I’ll tell everyone of these people these things I write and for these 11-11-11 people I will tell them they wasted money and they made a talentless piece of shit movie and I haven’t even seen it and I would never spend a second of my life watching it because everyone knows it is shit. It’s shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Don’t see this movie.

Next!

IMMORTALS

I’m seeing it.

Most of you will probably see it for all the muscley dudes who will be oiled up and in slow motion grabbing at each other. I mean there is worse things to do with your money than see this movie. I have seen Tarsem Singh’s (director) other movies and they all turn out the same – kind of meh movies overall with great visuals. Acting and storyline is definitely not on his top 5 things that a movie needs. Lavish colors, dreamy visuals, and slow motion and for it to look like a Julie Taymor play through the lens of a gay man’s ojos. Those are at the top of the list. So, it looks like 300 and Clash of the Titans, but with more slow motion, more green screen and more homo-erotic moments. Which in all honesty, who isn’t lining up to see that?

Also, for Superman fans out there… you will get a first look at Henry Cavill playing an ass kicking hero. Superman will be much different, but this will be about the best preview you will get.

Lastly, I have to mention that Stephen Dorff is in the movie. I mention this because Dorff is almost always in terrible movies. Like that’s what he sets out to be in are terrible movies. It’s not necessarily his fault, but if you’re watching a movie with Dorff in it then it’s probably bad. I have a feeling this movie will also be bad in the grand scheme of things, but it could be fun visually and for its ridiculousness.

I’ll see it.

Next!

JACK AND JILL

This is easily the most offensive movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

It’s on the same level to me as a war crime.

Adam Sandler is a truly terrible person.

In this world of Tyler Perry, white people have pretended that we don’t have a Tyler Perry and in reality we are just as bad as black people because we have Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler is the white people’s Tyler Perry. They are both making deplorable movies and making a disgusting amount of money to do so. They are raping the souls of the people of the world and those who are in any way shape and form exposed to these movies. They have committed treason on the human race and I don’t think any amount of apologies can make up for what they have done.

If you’re planning on going to see Jack and Jill, I think you should seek help. Life help. Whether it is at a hospital, an AA meeting, or even just contact me via Facebook or Twitter and we will try to help you and your life because you are not living properly if you want to see this movie. Make sure to speak up though. Anyone can be treated. Anyone. No one is above saving at this point – minus Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler. Make sure to speak up, vocalize your feelings honestly and do it before you actually spend money on seeing this movie.

As far as Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry, to me they are enemies of the human race. They are enemies to the evolution of existence. And they hate you. I hope you know that. They hate all of us.

Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry hate you.

Next!

MELANCHOLIA

And lastly… Lars Von Trier’s movie about something.

I watched the first 40 minutes of this Nazi sympathizer’s movie and not much has happened that you couldn’t have guessed from this poster. Kirsten Dunst is getting married. That’s pretty fucking obvious, right? I don’t need to tag that as a “spoiler” do I? I mean she’s in a wedding dress in the poster, so let’s assume she’s getting married. So far, the first 40 minutes have been Dunst in a wedding dress. That’s about it. I mean we’ve seen Alexander Skarsgard in a tuxedo as the groom. We’ve seen Kiefer in a tux and we’ve seen Charlotte in a dress. We’ve literally seen other people, but the majority of the first 40 minutes are close ups of Kirsten Dunst from a million different angles in this dress. That’s about it.

If you read the description of the movie, it sounds like Deep Impact and/or Armageddon where a piece of space rock is going to hit the Earth and end the world. Well, 40 minutes in and we haven’t touched on that yet. The movie is over 2 hours long, so I do know there is time to get into that, but I just want to throw that out there that it takes a bit before it gets into “the world is going to end” stuff. Also, the first 5 minutes of the movie are completely skippable. It’s a bunch of artsy shots that I can only imagine have literally no place in the movie and he dumped them in the beginning because he’s a big artsy nut who is a Nazi.

I mean we’re talking about artsy artsy artsy nutball Lars Von Trier. The dude who made Dogville. If you haven’t seen Dogville – good. Stay that way. Don’t change that. Don’t go see it. It’s stupid and a waste of your time. What’s Lars’ best movie? Dancer in the Dark? That’s a good movie, but let’s just be honest and say you’re going to have to be into artsy artsy artsy stuff to enjoy Dancer in the Dark. A movie about Bjork having musical hallucinations isn’t really for everyone. Good movie, but anyway.

I’m not sure what to expect from the rest of Melancholia. It could be good, but it could also be a big melodramatic waste of time. So far the first 40 minutes have been. But there is another 90 for his to make up for it.

Whatever… see it. Don’t see it.

So, that gets you through the first half of November… I’ll you up with part 2 later this week.

You’re welcome.

This chick…

… doesn’t want IT.

She doesn’t want anything to do with IT. Any of IT. Not a single IT that she wants anything to do with.

Despite what her body may be saying to you, her face has made it abundantly clear-

Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

Nope.

Not at all.

She actually couldn’t want IT any less.

Don’t believe me?

I repeat… Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

This is a void of want. This an absolute zero level of want. This is what Lord Kelvin was talking about. These pictures are the absolute minimal level of want. These pictures are the empirical equivalent of the theoretical idea concerning a point where entropy ceases to exist.

Well done, Ms. Tisdale. Well done indeed.

Who would’ve ever guessed a Disney chick would’ve been able to pull that off?

Are these pictures a cry for help?

A person who does not want IT this much is a person who simply does not want to live. What else is there in life than to want… and to want IT? Seriously, wanting IT is wanting life. And Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

I found these pictures, which there are 44 of, on one of the myriad of celebrity websites I go to to see bonitas chicas like Ashley in bikinis like she’s wearing. Usually, I scan through the pictures for research purposes and today I see these Ashley Tisdale pictures and there is just something amiss. Ashley has a great body and is sexy in all the right places, but once you remove your eyes from staring at her perky 26 year old boobies – you’ll find a troubled expressionless face completely devoid of any fire for life. It’s actually quite depressing. It’s depressing in that way that we find celebrities’ lives more important than let’s say the average life of someone living in Turkey who may or may not have died in a horrific earthquake. But they’re not parading around in bikinis to be fawned over I suppose.

Anyway, these pictures are even more disturbing in the regard that the camera man appears to be like 4 maybe 5 feet from her, so is this paparazzi or is this all set-up? I feel like this is set-up because she’s there by herself. What else is she doing just standing next to a guy snapping pictures of her in a bikini – there are 44 of them!

Most of the series looks like this…

Ashley Tisdale not wanting IT and sitting.

Ashley Tisdale not wanting IT, but now shifting her weight to make a move to not wanting IT in some other position.

Hachi machi…

Nevertheless, take your eyes off her ass for un momento and look at the lady’s face when you are ogling her.

Ashley Tisdale not wanting IT at ALL while in the awkward stage of standing up.

This is also the first appearance of MANY of her best friend this t-shirt/cover-up that’s around her thighs at the moment. Her soft, white, supple, New Jersey thighs that do not want IT in the least bit.

And she’s up! Yeah!

And she couldn’t want IT any fucking less. Lady, what the hell?! What the hell has happened to you in your life that you could possibly look this glum about lounging about with a hot in your 20’s body by a pool all day?

Also, she’s almost got this shirt up. It’s a war of attrition for Ashley getting this shirt on. She wants IT so little that she can barely put a shirt on. It’s a newest and lowest level of want I have ever seen. It is slightly terrifying. It’s like a Xerox machine stuck in that “warming up” mode where the power is on, but you can’t do anything until it’s all “warmed up”. Ashley Tisdale is stuck in a purgatory of not wanting IT.

We’re pretty fucking close with the t-shirt. Pretty fucking close.

I mean Ashley’s got it past her ass and she’s standing completely upright, which was a concern before. She was caught in this still bent at a 45 degree angle thing, but now she’s 90. Ok, she’s got this shirt at her navel right now. Someone needs to develop a new word for navel and/or belly button. I can’t say belly button without feeling like a cartoon character and/or I’m talking to a little kid. Plus when I talk to little kids, I feel like a creep. You can’t talk to kids like they’re adults because they’re not adults. Heck, most adults I talk to are not real adults. Then you have to talk to the kids with a kiddy voice, which is more or less coming up with a Nickelodeon cartoon character voice and it’s just creepcity when a 6’3″-6’4″ guy tried to do that. I have a beard… I should not be doing kids voices… at the very least not in public.

What was my point? Belly button is weird because it sounds childish. Meanwhile, navel is on the top ten list of least sexy words ever. Navel. Just say it out loud. Nay-vell. Ugh. Who doesn’t like looking at a chick’s bare midriff? And to think the middle of that bare midriff we all know and love is this little quirk that has two horrible names. And when you try to talk about that cute “quirk” then you either sound like a pedo who works at the circus or a pedo who is a pharmacist. It’s just not flattering to hear either word spoken.

Anyway…

Holy shit! It’s halfway up and … Ashley couldn’t want IT any less.

Her face’s expression is slightly worse than my own expression when I woke up Sunday morning.

Let’s just say I drank every booze that was booze and available for me to booze in my booze hole. Ya dig?

Friday night, I got fucking drunk. I met up with some friends in New York City and I drank let’s say between 10 – 15 beers and did 2 shots. Let’s just say that happened on Friday night the night before I was going to a wedding with these same gentlemen where there would be a 6 hour open bar. Let’s just say, we got drunk in the city. Other unmentionables might have been taken in through the lungs aided by fire as well. That was Friday. Went to bed at 4 am. The wedding started at 1:30pm and I would be in a tuxedo.

At 1:30 pm, I was at the church hungover and I running on two things: water and a medicated marijuana gummy. I wouldn’t have guessed it before hand, but that’s what was going on. It’s good to have friends who live in California.

At 2pm, I had my first beer. Let’s also remember I haven’t mentioned any food because at this point I haven’t had any.

At 4pm, the open bar starts where I have a peach bellini (I was just as confused as you are right now), I followed that up with at least 4 glasses of champagne, I followed that up with close to 10 beers, more glasses of champagne, and two vodka and club sodas. I did eat at the wedding – two dinner rolls, some cheese, some pasta, a steak filet, a nice cut of short ribs and a piece of red velvet cake. I also danced. Or what could be called what I do with the alcohol sets my limbs free in a very conservative manner.

At 10pm, the after party started. I had more unmentionables. I also had about 10 beers and two Jameson and ginger ales. I got back to my hotel room at some time – one that I stopped keeping track of – and passed out until 10:30am when my alarm woke me up to check out of the hotel.

That was when I making a face similar to what Ashley is making in these pictures. It was around then. It was due in large part because I was more or less waterboarding myself with liquor and I did not throw up, so now my stomach and digestive system had the great privilege of taking all that mess and turn it into more or less sludge that I would spend the next 24 hours trying to remove from my body.

But, I definitely still wanted IT more than Ashley does now because I at the very least really wanted a hug. Like badly. Like a quarterback who leads a game ending drive and just misses the wide receiver for the last play of the game. You did your best out there kid. Now sit on the toilet until it’s tomorrow.

Let’s check back in with Ashley to see what progress she has made…

YES! It’s up her torso and she’s got one arm involved.

You’re doing it, Ashley! No one had faith in you, but here you are and you’re doing it! Prove ’em wrong, Ashley Tisdale! Prove them all wrong! Leave it all on the court, Ashley! There’s no tomorrow, Ashley! Leave it all out there and you’ll have no regrets! No regrets, Ashley! NO REGRETS! Get after it, Ashley! All 60 minutes, baby! You’re fighting for all 60 minutes! Just keep scratching away at it, Ashley! Never give up! Never! Give! Up! All day, Ashley! You got this one, Ashley. Winners never quit, Ashley! Where else would you rather be right now? No where! You’re in the game, Ashley. Prove them wrong, Ashley!

By the way, she still doesn’t want IT.

BOOM!

In your face! In your FUCKING FACE! Ashely fucking did it! Fuck the haters. Fuck the doubters. Fuck the nay-sayers. Fuck the media. Fuck all y’all. She did it. That shirt is completely on and there is nothing you can do about it. Fucking Malibu, baby. That’s right. Fuck yeah, Ashley Tisdale. Woooo!! I’m excited. You’ve made me a believer, Ashley. Just well done. She’s got that whole shirt on like pow. It’s not even a thing anymore because she did it. It’s over. OVER! That shit is on and it’s not even on backwards or inside out or nothing. It’s fucking on, bitches. Completely on. Both shoulders and everything. Fucking get off me. I mean fucking get off her. You know what haters, how about you take a step back because you’re standing on Ashley’s dick*? Right?! FUCK YEAH!

*Ashley Tisdale does not have a “dick” in the actual physical sense. It was a dick in the theoretical sense. Like in a parallel bizarro world universe there are these “haters” and they’re right up in Ashley’s face with their hate and Ashley is such a baller ass alpha male that she has an enormous dick that actually goes the full length of her leg until in touches the floor. So some of those haters are so close plus the ridiculous unfeasible length of her male genitalia, so they’re stepping on her dick and she’s like back off stepping on it.

Fully dressed and on the move, Ashley Tisdale still does not want IT at all.

Where you going to go, Ashley?

Going to go want IT? Or find an IT that you do want? Or are you just going to spread your not wanting IT ways?

Where are you going? Going to a movie? Go ride some roller coasters? Get some food? Appear in another television show?

What’s up?

Where you going, Ashely?

Ahhhh fuck.

C’mon. She collapsed. Putting the t-shirt on was too much. I was worried about that. For a person who wants it this little, putting a t-shirt on is a near catastrophic amount of activity. We pushed her too far. Poor Ashley Tisdale.

And this concludes…

Ashley Tisdale does not want IT.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Happy Friday!

As always, excellent job to you and yours (boobs/butt/sweaty under carriage) for surviving another week of life!

I hope you then make risky decisions on the weekend to reward yourself before you end up still alive on Monday and back into another WEEK until Friday again. Ya dig?

Anyway, congratulations. Now, have fun.

But first, I guess read this post…

THIS WEEKEND I WILL BE IN A TUXEDO

Yep.

I am going to the dear wedding of a dear friend and she has dearly asked us dear men to dearly wear dear tuxedos.

I am super excited to wear a tuxedo again. My tuxedo again – I should add. I thoroughly enjoyed wearing this tuxedo in September when I was in Chicago. I did just get my tuxedo dry cleaned by a mystery dry cleaner who didn’t speak English, so I’m going to take a test run in the tuxedo later today and there’s a chance there is something screwy going on with it.

Either way, I will be at an open bar from 4pm – 10pm with a bunch of my college friends, so I’m expecting to ascend to a new level of drunkenness on Saturday as if I was Goku fighting Vegeta for the first time and I reach Super Saiyan. It should be a hilarious good time. Also, it will be fun to be back in Jersey City. I haven’t gotten obscene in that scene in about a year, so I’ll be glad to be back.

What else?

Well, I’ve recently discovered one can make a drinking game out of the new Twilight movie by taking a shot every time Kristen Stewart dramatically puts her hand on Fake-Rob’s chest…

Take a shot.

Take a SHOT!

TAKE A SHOT!

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

These are just examples from one gallery of 15 pictures of movie stills… so I’m betting there’s more.

What’s happening in this movie? Is Bella worried Ed’s got breast cancer? Is she searching for lumps? Wouldn’t surprise me with the rest of the stupid storylines going on. There’s a rare strain of male vampire breast cancer going around, Bella. You need to make sure Edward is clean, but he’ll get vwery vwery mwad if you just ask him, so be sneaky about it. Ok?!

What else?

Well, I read this stupid article on Yahoo (Aren’t all their articles stupid?! Yahoo may have the worst selection of writers ever putting out the dumbest articles, but I can’t stop clicking on them. Each one is dumber than the next!) about the seven weirdest things about Gadhafi and I honestly don’t find any of them weird. They’re exactly what all good crazy dictators should be doing. He just sounds like a North African Hugh Hefner for the most part.

http://news.yahoo.com/seven-weirdest-things-moammar-gadhafi-170209296.html

1. “Bulletproof” Tent 

What’s weird about a “Bulletproof” tent? There are people trying to KILL this dude. I would want a bulletproof everything. Bulletproof Haggar slacks, bulletproof running shorts, bulletproof Pittsburgh Steelers’ hat. What’s weird about being a wealthy man who has committed horrible atrocities and doesn’t want to get killed in a justifiable revenge killing? Nothing to me. Living in a tent is weird, but they were in Africa and doesn’t everyone live in a tent in Africa?

2. All-Female Virgin Bodyguard Retinue

Don’t knock it til you try it. If you’re going to have bodyguards and you’re a man who has sex with just about everything within a 10 foot radius then why not this? If you could make this happen then you would. It’s not like he was truly dodging bullets until the end and it’s not like he really used these women as bodyguards unless you consider them riding his little Gadhafi and guarding his body. I don’t get what is really weird about this. Seriously? The guy wasn’t trying to win “politician of the year” awards. He was pretty much a “warlord” and with that he lived like one.

3. His “Voluptuous” Ukrainian Nurse

Again, what’s weird about this? If you could get away with having a “voluptuous” – thin veiled term meaning big boobied and big bootied – Ukrainian nurse with you at all times checking for hernias every 30 minutes then why wouldn’t you? Isn’t this exactly what you imagine how guys think or would like things to be? And that’s how Gadhafi lived his life. It was all gold and riches and sex. How is this “weird”?

4. Crush on Condoleeza Rice

Racist! You got no love for the darker berries? I don’t see this as being that big of a deal either. The dude saw a powerful African princess in her own right and he wanted her. I’m not really sure what the weird thing is. What was weird was he had his own Condoleeza Rice homemade spank bank books, but really who hasn’t done that? Plus I can’t imagine that Gadhafi was all that good with computers and iPhoto, so he had to do the physical scrap booking.

5. Fear of Flying and Elevators

Weird? Not the status quo, but I know plenty of people who have a fear of these things. I mean John Madden is afraid to fly. Is he weird? Yes, he’s weird, but not for the fear of flying. The elevators thing is whatever. It’s not a-typical, but the guy was paranoid and people did want him dead, so maybe elevators weren’t the best. Plus he lived in a sprawling tent, it’s not like elevators were something he typically dealt with.

6. Bunga Bunga

Apparently, “bunga bunga” is an orgy. Yeah… what’s weird about that? Yahoo is the worst. If I had an all virgin female bodyguard team, a voluptuous Ukrainian nurse, access to buying all the world’s women then why would I ever stop having orgies? Right? I don’t get how this is weird in the least bit.

7. An Eclectic Wardrobe

An “eclectic” wardrobe? I guess let’s go knock down Stevie Wonder’s door to for being WEIRD because having an “eclectic” wardrobe is apparently noteworthy nowadays.

This article is fucking stupid.

You know what was “weird” that Gadhafi did?

When he hired mercenary sniper teams to shoot all of his country’s people.

That was weird. It was a lot more weird them him having sex with a big breasted chick from the Ukraine.

Fucking Yahoo.

Anyway…

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

I hope there are not too many unflattering pictures taken of me in my tuxedo tomorrow.

I hope nothing is wrong with the tuxedo either.

I hope to see you next week!

Bunga bunga!

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