KSWI Science Class: How to make a Biological WMD

October 3, 2011

Yep… Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Yep.

Today, I will teach you a recipe to make a biological agent that has the killing power to be classified as a weapon of mass destruction. It’s a recipe I learned over the weekend. I thought I would pay it forward and give you all the power to devastate what I imagine would be a radius of 5 blocks worth of civilization.

Ok?

Sounds good, right?

First…

HAPPY MONDAY!!!!

You are alive. You had a great weekend, hopefully.

Did you kiss that guy you always wanted to kiss? That is either directed at a young lady who has been crushing on a classmate or a co-worker or a friend’s friend and finally got up the nerve to start flirting and so forth and magic happened. Or it is directed at an old spinster Sadie Hawkins’ type who finally say enough is enough and I’m shoving my tongue down that guy’s throat whether he likes it or not. Hopefully, he liked it. Or it is directed at any aged male homosexuals who kissing boys, which all seems like good fun because gays are gay – they are a spirited people who enjoy dancing and wearing revealing clothing and traveling in squadrons. It’s like gay men are really one big gang, but a gang from a Disney movie. They’re the alternative gang who just wants to have dance parties, gossip, look fashionable, and go out to dinner. Of course, when the Disney cameras off then they just start dicking each other with cocaine orgies. But really… if an old spinster Sadie Hawkins could wrangle together a cocaine orgy – she would.

What was I saying?

Happy Monday!

And with that… THE HAPPY MONDAYS!!!!

AND…

We’re back…

Ok.

So you want to make a bomb?

It’s not like a bomb that will explode… although it might.

Either way, the idea is more that you can take this compound that I’m going to describe and you can just leave it in an area filled with people like a mall and it will do its magic for you and render all, within in that 5 block radius, dead.

Here’s the recipe…

Take 1 human male, approximately 28 years old, between 6’3″ and 6’4″ (on a good day if you know what…).

What you will need is his digestive track, he will be the incubator for the chemical weapon.

The gestation period will be a little less than 24 hours.

In order, you must feed this all to a human male in 12 hours time… and make sure he does make any bowel movements. Peeing is fine. Let him pee liberally, but not bowel movements.

– 1 vodka and sprite

– 1 bud light

– 1 single malt scotch

– 3 glasses of red wine (cabernet sauvignon)

– 1 Miller Lite

– 1 Coffee

– 1 Veal Scallopini entree

– 1 loaf of table bread

– 1 tiramisu

– 1 double shot of Jameson

– 6 24 ounce cans of Bud Light

– 1 Heineken light (don’t ask me why)

– 1 vodka and club soda

– 1/2 an order of Chinese dumplings

– 1/2 an order of Chinese scallion shrimp

– 1/2 an order of Chinese soy sauce chicken and duck

– 1 Ambien

Now, let the incubator lay on a cheap roll away bed for approximately 4 hours to sleep.

Abruptly, wake up subject at the 4 hour mark. Force subject to walk half a mile and get in their car. Force subject to drive 80 miles in any direction of your choosing.

Begin a new feeding process…

– 1 venti Starbucks coffee (by the by, I officially do not like Starbucks coffee)

– 1 Dunkin’ Donuts snack wrap

– 1 order of Dunkin’ Donuts tater tots

– 1 Dunkin’ Donuts chocolate glazed donuts

– 1 cup of coffee (I made my own, but while you’re buying the other DD stuff you could buy their coffee… it’s better than Starbucks)

Then have the subject watch one game of professional football, which is sad and depressing and angering to the subject.

Then allow subject to nap for 3 hours.

At this point, the concoction inside the subject’s stomach is more potent of a killing machine than any nuclear warhead held in the USA’s arsenal. Either, begin the process of collecting the weapon from the subject – hazardous material suits are a MUST – or you can throw in a few other items that you feel necessary to make your WMD your own.

Good hunting.

It honestly could strip paint from metal and I believe poison a water supply for 100 miles.

Have fun.

I hope you had a good weekend.

What did you do?

 

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2 Responses to “KSWI Science Class: How to make a Biological WMD”

  1. Nix said

    Jesus Jordan! How did you…erm, I mean the subject not die?!

  2. cledbo said

    Only about half of that stuff sounds even vaguely paletable. Light beer? Really? Seriously? And Miller Lite, god even just thinking it makes me want to vomit.

    Where’s the Four Loko? 😉

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