Kristen Stewart on GQ Magazine = Good; Movies in October = Shit

October 4, 2011

I had a dream…

Before we get to that – Happy Tuesday. I hope your Tuesday is going wonderfully. Like Zac Efron licked champagne off your calves wonderfully. I hope that happened for you and to you. I don’t know if that is sexy or just ridiculous, but either might make this Tuesday wonderful for you. Happy Tuesday.

I had a dream…

I had a dream where I attended Bernie Williams retirement ceremony. If you’re wondering, Bernie Williams retired 4 years ago I believe. Anyway, it was emotional. There were a lot of celebrities there and one of them was Francis Ford Coppola and another one was sitting right next to him in Martin Scorsese. In my dream, Martin was how he is to me in life – an annoying monkey man with a camera. Martin was filming the event as apart of a New York Yankees documentary he was making, which Francis Ford Coppola was financing. When I woke up, my first thought of the day was “that asshole would make a Yankees documentary”.

I had another dream…

It was Kristen Stewart in a good movie…

No, wait. It was actually a magazine photoshoot. This looks like Kristen Stewart in a good movie, right? It looks like a still shot of the main character maybe discovering Kristen Stewart for the first time in the movie. Or it looks like a devilish Kristen Stewart who is the main character breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience. I could see her making… well… check that… I could see me putting Kristen Stewart into a movie that was a cross between Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Heathers… or imagine Jawbreaker or a darker Mean Girls where the main character is also the villain and broke the 4th wall a lot talking to the audience. That’s what I’m picturing. I would put Kristen Stewart in those types of movies if she were my little robot that I could do what I wanted with… I know what you’re already picturing or thinking and you’re right… but her agent/manager or whomever believe Kristen Stewart should dress as a knight or get attacked by vampires. I don’t know.

I first saw this magazine cover on Yahoo and on Yahoo they said I need to see this “risque” outfit that Kristen Stewart is wearing.

From what I can see, it’s a bikini top and then she’s got on this like high waisted cloth SWATH and something. I don’t know what it is, but it kind of looks like 10 minutes earlier Kristen Stewart was wearing a 1940’s one piece bathing suit and then someone cut out a SWATH of material, so we could distinctly see the bra top and a SWATH of Kristen Stewart’s delicate skin. Also, nothing about this is “risque”. Do you know what would be “risque”? A butt plug. All Kristen Stewart is wearing on the cover of GQ is a butt plug with fake horse hair coming out of it, so she’s appealing to the anal fetishists and pony play fetishists. That would be “risque” and now I need to have a dream where that is involved.

This is also the British GQ. Honestly, who knew? And why? Is that how much written GQ material is out there? What is going on in the British GQ that isn’t happening in the US GQ and vice versa? I’m pretty sure GQ is about turning me into a “fancy man” regardless of country it is from. That’s my guess at least… and I’ll stick to that “guess” because the cover says “Man Up!” and its the “new rules of masculinity” being defined by “Tony Parsons and Victoria Coren”.

1. “new rules”? New rules generally means weak and not nearly as masculine as before. The old ways were always the toughest and most difficult ways. Those people always in the “old” time were dying left and right because their old ways were basically death sentences.

2. I don’t know who Tony Parsons or Victoria Coren are. I can only imagine that Tony Parsons is an old foppish Brit, so masculinity is not his strong suit. I imagine Victoria Coren is a woman and I imagine that she is a rich fashion designer or something and the closest moments of her life when she is acting “masculine” is when she’s forcing her Ecuadorian pool boy Gustavo to rail her over a pool chair. I imagine Tony Parsons has a similar relationship with his pool boy.

3. If there is a list of masculinity being defined and the name Steve McQueen is not making that list then that list is false. Also, Steve McQueen is dead, so I’m not sure you’re going to get any “new rules” out of him.

Anyway… Kristen Stewart wants IT and looks good on the cover. Surprise surprise.

I had a dream…

That there would be one movie worth seeing in theaters in the month of October…

That was a dream because the movies in October look like horse manure. HORSE SHIT! I don’t want to see horse shit. You know? Do you want to see horse shit? Horse poop?! Horse turds!!!! TURDS!!!! ?!?!?!?!??!?!?! DO?!!!!!!!! YOU?!!!!!!!

I’m sorry…

Things got a little carried away right there, but the movies in October look horrid. Generally speaking, the movies in September and August looked bad and so did July, June, and May and let’s just say this whole year. But I actually remember seeing little bright spots where a movie every once and awhile would be good or could be good or at least would be something I would want to see. Not the case in October. Like September did have Warrior, Drive, 50/50 and other stuff. October… NOT. SO. MUCH.

October has horse turds.

I’m going to list the movies, BOLD, but they don’t deserve mean finding their posters because who gives a fuck?

THE IDES OF MARCH

Meh. This movie doesn’t do anything for me. Oh, it’s got Ryan Gosling in it! The movies I like Ryan Gosling in are not these movies. He usually plays a weirdo. Drive = weirdo, Lars and the Real Girl = weirdo, Half Nelson = weirdo, United States of Leland = weirdo. Actually, I kind of like Ryan Gosling when he’s playing an autistic person it appears. This movie does not look that appealing. Oh, it’s got George Clooney in it! And? He’s been in some horse turd movies, so let’s not put our faith in the Cloonster. Clooney also wrote and directed this movie as well. I fear that this movie is the first movie in what will be George Clooney’s Robert Redford era of movies. Robert Redford went whacko at some point. He became more political than anything else. I fear this is Clooney’s political moment as well. I don’t think it will be great. But who knows? Either way, this is about the best looking movie coming out in October, so all bets will be placed on this. It has gotten some good reviews and at the same time so did Thor.

REAL STEEL

Horse turds. Oh my God this looks awful. In every way this looks awful. This movie looks so bad that when I’m out in public and there is a TV commercial for this movie – unprompted – strangers turn to me and say that looks awful. That has happened on a dozen occasions. I have heard strangers in the street talking about how bad Real Steel looks and these are people who play in the street. Anyway, I have said this before and I’ll say it again – if you removed the kid from the movie and titled this piece of shit movie Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots then I would have seen it. But they didn’t so I hope they get cancer in their pee hole. That’s what’s up.

THE BIG YEAR

You may have seen the commercials for this or not, but it looks like the most unfunny comedy ever featuring Steve Martin, Jack Black and Owen Wilson and it’s about bird watching. It’s not about bird watching like Best in Show is about dog shows. No, it looks like Wild Hogs if Wild Hogs was actually about these three twerps trying to look at birds in some snowy wilderness. Also, the title sounds like it has little to do with what is happening in the movie. Trust me this looks like shit. Horse shit.

FOOTLOOSE

Without a single sliver of sarcasm, I fucking love Footloose. I love it. I love Footloose. The movie is epic. Footloose is a quintessential 80’s film that should be terrible, but no one told anyone in that movie it was supposed to be terrible. The reason why 80’s movies are so good is because no one told them that they weren’t making the best movie ever. They didn’t know about making formulaic garbage where if I put in X amount of dollars with Y actors then I’ll get Z money. The studios didn’t know that yet and the actors didn’t know that yet. Coming off the 70’s where a combination of grittier real life acting mixed with movie success and big budget blockbusters made a decade in the 80’s where they all thought they were going to get Oscars. Footloose is one of those movies. It is an atrociously stupid plot, but no one in that movie cares and they’re going to make the best movie possible with it. And they did. It is amazing. It’s just about every type of movie ever sandwiched into one. It’s Rocky, it’s On the Waterfont, it’s James Dean and it’s about a bunch of teens who are not allowed to dance and THEY… FUCKING… DANCE!

So, they’re remaking it. I’ve said this before Julieanne Hough is hot. Like real hot. Like if you were drawing a picture of a hot person you might end up drawing Ms. Hough. And most of the trailer shows this young lady covered in a thin layer of sweat and grinding her tan white girl body on anything within a 5 foot radius… plus cowboy boots. So that’s going to be a little stirring in the crotch region.

Of course, it won’t be as good or near as good or even worthy of tying the shoes of the original… but I won’t lie it looks like it could be entertaining… but I doubt I’ll see it.

THE THING

Another remake. Lord only knows why they’re remaking this movie. It actually looks remarkably like the original. Like the trailer looks like a shot by shot remake, but who cares? Why would you see this movie? The original was fine and that’s that. No one needed a remake of this. If you haven’t seen the original then see the original, if you have seen the original then go rent a movie you haven’t seen. That’s it.

JOHNNY ENGLISH REBORN

How did this even make it over to America? Can we send Rowan Atkinson back to England? I would like to deport Rowan Atkinson. Before you get snippy… yes, yes, yes, yes I watched Mr. Bean. Yep. I’m not talking about those stupid movies, but yes I watched the Mr. Bean TV show and yes I loved it. That was also 1000 years ago and this needs to stop. Go home, Rowan. Spend some time with your family. If you don’t have a family then fucking make one already.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

Fuck you.

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

Yeah, no. Horse shit.

ANONYMOUS

Horse shit. HORSE SHIT. Who the fuck is seeing a movie about William Shakespeare not being William Shakespeare? What the fuck is wrong with you people? If you’re contemplating seeing this movie then you should hit yourself in the head with a mallet until you stop wanting to see this movie.

IN TIME

Horse shit. It looks terrible. Be honest with yourself. Stop lying to me. Stop lying to you. It looks awful. It simply looks bad. You shouldn’t see it just because Justin Timberlake is in it. That’s retarded. Have some self worth. Literally seeing this movie just because Justin Timberlake or just because some actor in particular is in it is on the same level as idolatry and you need to realize they are just people and stupid people at that who make stupid shitty movies. I watched Bad Teacher last night and guess what – it wasn’t funny and it sucked. But people saw it and I hope they regret it like I do. And that movie actually had a better chance of being good. This movie looks like horse feces. Horse feces in the future.

PUSS IN BOOTS

If you have a kid then take your mongrel of a child to this movie. Take your feral annoying demon child to this movie and lock them in there. They’ll love it. But if you are seeing this movie sans child then don’t vote. Don’t vote. Don’t vote because you have an infant’s brain.

And finally…

THE RUM DIARY

I bet a few people out there will enjoy this. Those people won’t be the people who read this book though. You can never guess with trailers nowadays if they’re lying to you and the movie really isn’t like that, but the book The Rum Diary wasn’t a slapstick Hollywood flashy movie. I love Hunter S. Thompson and I really enjoyed his one and only novel The Rum Diary. Years ago they announced they were making this movie. Years ago with Johnny Depp as Paul Kemp and Josh Hartnett as Yeoman. Anyway, that was years ago. Nowadays in this trailer, I don’t even think Yeoman is in the movie. I’m pretty sure the character was cut out and in a sense replaced by Aaron Eckhart’s character Sanderson. As you can guess, that doesn’t stay true to the book in the least bit then. I’m not sure what stays true to the book minus it being in Puerto Rico and there being a hot blonde in it now played by Amber Heard. The movie looks like the opposite I would have expected. It looks like clean and goofy. If you have ever read a single sentence of Hunter S. Thompson’s work then clean and goofy was not his style. I was psyched about this movie until I saw a trailer for it and now … meh. It doesn’t look like the book I read at all. But who is there to complain – the man is dead and Johnny Depp likes making movies that disgust me more than movies that I enjoy.

That’s October for you.

Have fun.

 

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3 Responses to “Kristen Stewart on GQ Magazine = Good; Movies in October = Shit”

  1. I’ve never seen Footloose. SHOCKING!

    Actually, this time that really is legitimately shocking… I love 80’s movies.

    • cledbo said

      Go. Watch. Now. Walk, don’t run. Do not pass Go or collect $200 because you’ll go to Blockbuster and they just take all your money.

      Jordachian is right, Footloose should be bad in so many ways but it ends up being so good. Plus, Let’s Hear It For The Boy? Come on, no one can not dance to that song. I dare you not to dance!

      Ahem.

      I will not see any of these movies, as I have a mortgage to pay and margaritas to buy and drink and hopefully not throw up.

  2. Nix said

    Um….. I like bird watching….

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